I start again here. This may get long winded, but I've never been able to tell anyone what I've done or been through over the past couple of years.
I feel like things have been pretty stable in my life, but if I look at the facts, I'm very wrong. My marriage was much stronger than I thought (at least she was) but I threw that away back in '03. While my drinking had gotten progressively worse, my ex went to meetings without my knowledge and was always there for me - to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. It's not that I didn't help out; I did a lot of house work, car maintenance, etc. After 10 years, we kind of found rolls that worked best for us as a couple. I was not living in the real world anymore by then. I was drinking everyday, and at times as much as a fifth of hard stuff. I even remember throwing up or passing blood on at least one occasion. A new girl came back to the office after spending time with her two kids' early years, and I had a physical attraction for her that I couldn't describe. She was really nice and we got along great when I ran into her on occasion. We grew closer and the closer we got the more emotionally distant I became with my wife, as she did with her husband at the time. We went to 'happy hours' with others from work and sometimes just the two of us. Before long, we kissed for the first time (both of us still married, but a little buzzed that night), and it wasn't long before we were going to lunch together pretty much every day. Lunch really boiled down to some really steamy stuff in places you'd never imagine. It was exciting and new, but very stressful. My drinking at home only became worse, as it emotionally disconnected me from my wife. I made myself believe that she was instigating the problems we were having. I drank even harder and more to escape the reality of what a horrible husband and person I had become. We separated. I left a beautiful home and wife, with my clothes and a couple of cars, to move in with a friend, and January 1 of '05 I was officially divorced. Free to drink, I did just that, and have continued since even though my girlfriend from work has addressed this issue many times. I know I've tried taking attention off of it in several ways, such as buying a house big enough for her and the kids, in their school district. It's been a year and I'm still here alone, barely able to make the payment.
The introduction of me into the lives of her kids and family has gone amazingly smooth. I get along with her ex just fine, and even built a computer for him. but my alcohol problem is without a doubt the root of 90% of the problems she and I have with each other.
The part that is making this more obvious and scary is the fact that just before my divorce I blew a .32 after getting pulled over for speeding. I actually passed the field test but the cops could smell the stench of alcohol on me. They even took me to the hospital for fear of alcohol poisoning, were I blew a .21 (I remember the nurse saying how surprised she was that I wasn't falling down drunk). Needless to say, even though it was my first offense, they put me into the most intensive programs they have. This is the scary part; I promised myself that I'd never drive again under the influence and have held to that almost entirely - alost - yesterday I was drunk to the point that it was obvious to myself when I came home after going for a "cruise". What's worse is that I didn't drink after getting in the car to begin with!
My girlfriend has had enough; I'm about to lose her if I already haven't. I've lost friends already. I have family members that make no effort to reach me anymore (some that quit drinking because they see what's happened to me - older brothers even). I feel like dirt. I'm losing my self respect no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm really a smart, kind, attractive, and giving person. Those good things may still be true but I feel so weak and worthless that no girl in their right mind would want anything to do with me, and I coudn't blame them.
Where do I start? ...here I guess. I have no one that's willing to support me or any effort to help me fix this bad part of my life. I don't expect this to be anyone elses problem - it's mine, but not even my gilfriend will do anything but come down on me. There is no encouragement, support, or anything said to give me that little boost to stay sober. I'm trying, but it's hard to do by myself when she knows what's really happening. The AA thing is very uncomfortable and inconvenient for me, and sheer will power has been the only reason for the 3-5 day dry spells so far.
Please tell me this is a better alternative. Please tell me someone has been through this too - I can't be the only one. I know if I could get this under control, I would be a great catch for a great girl, I would make new friends, and wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
Sorry this was so long - I just feel really lost. I am going to order all the 'get better' stuff I can to help me out, but I'm open to any suggestions. My thoughts and best wishes are with all of you, as I hope to get started in the right direction as too.
:
I feel like things have been pretty stable in my life, but if I look at the facts, I'm very wrong. My marriage was much stronger than I thought (at least she was) but I threw that away back in '03. While my drinking had gotten progressively worse, my ex went to meetings without my knowledge and was always there for me - to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. It's not that I didn't help out; I did a lot of house work, car maintenance, etc. After 10 years, we kind of found rolls that worked best for us as a couple. I was not living in the real world anymore by then. I was drinking everyday, and at times as much as a fifth of hard stuff. I even remember throwing up or passing blood on at least one occasion. A new girl came back to the office after spending time with her two kids' early years, and I had a physical attraction for her that I couldn't describe. She was really nice and we got along great when I ran into her on occasion. We grew closer and the closer we got the more emotionally distant I became with my wife, as she did with her husband at the time. We went to 'happy hours' with others from work and sometimes just the two of us. Before long, we kissed for the first time (both of us still married, but a little buzzed that night), and it wasn't long before we were going to lunch together pretty much every day. Lunch really boiled down to some really steamy stuff in places you'd never imagine. It was exciting and new, but very stressful. My drinking at home only became worse, as it emotionally disconnected me from my wife. I made myself believe that she was instigating the problems we were having. I drank even harder and more to escape the reality of what a horrible husband and person I had become. We separated. I left a beautiful home and wife, with my clothes and a couple of cars, to move in with a friend, and January 1 of '05 I was officially divorced. Free to drink, I did just that, and have continued since even though my girlfriend from work has addressed this issue many times. I know I've tried taking attention off of it in several ways, such as buying a house big enough for her and the kids, in their school district. It's been a year and I'm still here alone, barely able to make the payment.
The introduction of me into the lives of her kids and family has gone amazingly smooth. I get along with her ex just fine, and even built a computer for him. but my alcohol problem is without a doubt the root of 90% of the problems she and I have with each other.
The part that is making this more obvious and scary is the fact that just before my divorce I blew a .32 after getting pulled over for speeding. I actually passed the field test but the cops could smell the stench of alcohol on me. They even took me to the hospital for fear of alcohol poisoning, were I blew a .21 (I remember the nurse saying how surprised she was that I wasn't falling down drunk). Needless to say, even though it was my first offense, they put me into the most intensive programs they have. This is the scary part; I promised myself that I'd never drive again under the influence and have held to that almost entirely - alost - yesterday I was drunk to the point that it was obvious to myself when I came home after going for a "cruise". What's worse is that I didn't drink after getting in the car to begin with!
My girlfriend has had enough; I'm about to lose her if I already haven't. I've lost friends already. I have family members that make no effort to reach me anymore (some that quit drinking because they see what's happened to me - older brothers even). I feel like dirt. I'm losing my self respect no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm really a smart, kind, attractive, and giving person. Those good things may still be true but I feel so weak and worthless that no girl in their right mind would want anything to do with me, and I coudn't blame them.
Where do I start? ...here I guess. I have no one that's willing to support me or any effort to help me fix this bad part of my life. I don't expect this to be anyone elses problem - it's mine, but not even my gilfriend will do anything but come down on me. There is no encouragement, support, or anything said to give me that little boost to stay sober. I'm trying, but it's hard to do by myself when she knows what's really happening. The AA thing is very uncomfortable and inconvenient for me, and sheer will power has been the only reason for the 3-5 day dry spells so far.
Please tell me this is a better alternative. Please tell me someone has been through this too - I can't be the only one. I know if I could get this under control, I would be a great catch for a great girl, I would make new friends, and wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
Sorry this was so long - I just feel really lost. I am going to order all the 'get better' stuff I can to help me out, but I'm open to any suggestions. My thoughts and best wishes are with all of you, as I hope to get started in the right direction as too.
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