second time back

[wastedtime]

Hi, I'm a newbie again. I started on this site months ago - can't remember how many - maybe close to a year ago. I'm back because I thought I could control the drinking on my own - just moderate - or so I said. My mother died in January. I've tried to be the strong one. But the funeral (after cremation) is this weekend. since Jan, I've been spinning more and more out of control. Working up from a bottle of wine a night to two bottles and sometimes even more. Although I feel better on the mornings that I don't drink the night before, I've never really suffered from hangovers so that doesn't stop me from drinking. My husband never says anything about it, so that doesn't stop me either. I'm tired of not really remembering what I said the night before. I'm not a mean drunk, so I don't normally say things that hurt people. In fact, I try to be overly bubbly and everyone's best friend when I'm drunk. I guess I do that because I don't want people to know that I'm afraid to talk to them and because if I'm really really nice, they won't tell me to stop drinking. I'm exhausted and I'm getting too old for this. I want to live my life happy and healthy. After watching my mother die over a period of 15 months, I don't want to waste all these years. I'm already in my 40s and have been drunk at least twice a week for the past 20 years. Gosh. That sounds really terrible now that I have actually written it down. I don't understand what drives me to drink on any given day. I usually drink when I feel happy and powerful and not when I'm down. As soon as I have a glass of wine, I know that I'm going to have the whole bottle and I make sure I have another one to follow it. You would think it would be simple enough to just not buy wine when I go out to the store, but for some reason it's not. I will drink some beer and I will occassionally drink hard liquor but for some reason, those kinds of drinks can stay in the house for weeks or months without me drinking them (maybe one beer) but not white wine. How can I be hooked only on one kind of liquor? I don't understand this at all and I'm so frustrated. Am I mentally weaker than other people? Is it hereditary? Is it environment? Are my kids doomed to drink? If I get passed 30 or 40 days or some other number, will it get easier? Is there any place that you know of where I can get more information on breaking the addiction?

[LVT25]

second time back

Hi wasted,

I've been a "heavy" beer drinker for a long time now. I drink more than some of my friends and less than others. But I think I started drinking more after a sad series of events. I don't share much about it, because i don't feel like I have any excuses to drink, more of a habit. Some here have had it really rough and they drink to mask the pain. I don't think I do that, I could be wrong. But, it got worse when in 2004 one of my best friends and her young brother in law were killed in a car accident, then 3 weeks later another friend killed in a car accident. Six months later my mother in law found my father in law-dead. Three months after that, my mother passed away after fighting emphysema/cancer, seven months after that--my dad--after a 2 year cancer battle....On Easter morning in 2005, a very young friend of mine died in a tragic car fire....there's more in between, but this year in February a good friend died from acute liver failure-mostly caused by drinking.

I decided it was time to get healthy, I had already decided to quit smoking, and the drinking went with that so that's why I'm here.

I started out to reply, that I'm so sorry about your mom, i miss mine terribly! But my point is, we all have different reasons for drinking, but the bottom line is if we want to quit, we can. I think it's harder for some. I think it's important to take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what the future may or may not bring. You know, there is lots of good advice and support here.

Thanks for letting me share on your thread...I just seemed to relate to it I guess.

[tlrgs]

second time back

well as you know already this site has alot to offer and there is alot more out there too . so if you want to try something else. try AA go to meetings .meet some new people. with the same problem as we have. everything helps in one way or the other .stay strong peace and god bless

[BigMac]

second time back

Hey WT, just a quick welcome back and response to your liquor of choice question. I can have a bottle of vodka or tequila in the house for months - even beer in the fridge... Wine is my drink of choice too ('choice' is probably not the right word to use here...). I started drinking wine fairly late in my drinking career and it quickly became my downfall. I drink (drank ) red wine and lots of it; 2-4 bottles almost every night. Like most other types of liquor I think wine gives you a different kind of buzz and for some of us it's a buzz that is close to euphoria. Everything in that moment is wonderful. Until the next morning. :yukko:

Hang in there.

[nojoke]

second time back

Hi wasted,

Firstly let me say how similar your story is to mine. But good on you (and us) for returning to a place where we can share our problems and find support and encouragement. I don't think the problem we face with alcohol ever goes away. The only thing we can change is how we deal with it. Recognising that it is a problem is the biggest and most confronting step. You have done that, and now it is baby steps, one day at a time.

It is also a personal thing. I could always use the guilt to stop for about 3 days, then wham! I would be feeling better and past the guilt and start all over again. My longest AF period was 18 months, but then I let it slip, and used my partners cancer, then funeral as an excuse to let go and numb myself.

Well, its been 3 days AF, and it is danger time. I would love to hear of your progress, so keep posting. Hopefully you will find the support here that you need.

lots of positive thoughts your way

no joke

[livingfree]

second time back

Welcome back wasted time. I am glad you came back here - as I do believe MWO is the most supportive web site and the best program around ....... with that said :

wine ~ It does seem to have a "different" effect. I can down 3 beers and not have the same effect that 3 glasses of wine will have. I would love to hear more on this and find what you said BigMac interesting also. There is something powerful about wines effect.

I am very sorry to hear about your Mom. :l to you. That is a very hard thing to wrap your heart around .....

Come here often and read read read. Then post post post. It seems to be a common factor in those that are successfully working this program. Lots of good information - some great motivation (good and bad sort!) and also a way for you to "write" you daily feelings in active time!

[boozehag]

second time back

Welcome back WT
So sorry to hear about your Mum too.
My story is very similar to yours except I was binging up to 3 times a week. I also drank when I was "up" and would easily get through 1-2 bottles (and a pack of cigs) in a night which contrary to what other people seem to feel it didnt make me feel tired or sleepy - it was more like rocket fuel to the brain. Up up up and away. Until the next day of course. I could also go 3 days without drinking but that was it -never got past day 3. I also have no interest in any other alcohol could be truck loads of it in the house and it wouldnt interest me. That is so strange really isnt it. My vice is white wine. It seems to be a girl thing somehow. I am on the path to a new life for 15 days today and I feel so much better. You will too if you can just get past those first 3/4 days. The supplements and the kudzu seem to help.
Keep posting it really helps.
BH