Want to be AF

[redhibiscus]

Hello Everyone,
I have been reading these posts since last week - I am thrilled that there is a program/community besides AA. I desperately need to make changes regarding my alcohol use.
I have been drinking for 34 years. There...I finally said it and it is painful. I know that I am on the verge of becoming physically ill - pain in my right side after a binge, 3 to 4 day hangovers. I am already emotionally ill. The anxiety and guilt from my drinking is overwhelming.
I feel I am such a hypocrite. I do not appear to have this horrible problem. I work full time, look put together (except for the 25 lb weight gain) and put on a front no matter how terrible I feel after a night of drinking. No arrests, no missed work. I do what I have to even if I feel like hell.
I have ordered the book and vitamins and CDs. I was AF 5 days last week and then on Saturday night drank to the point of blacking out again, and fell. I don't remember. THat is the scary part. So.....I am AF two days at this point and waiting for my book, etc. And this community's support.
I am fascinated by everyone's stories. For so long I have felt that I am the only person who is so messed up. It is a great comfort to know that there are so many other people willing to make positive changes ODAT. Thanks for being there. I hope to become a part of this community.:thanks:

[Sunbeam]

Want to be AF

Welcome, RedHibiscus,
This program will definitely help you, especially all the people here. I too never missed work, but I sure didn't feel like my usual self. I even went swimming often, since that is my am exercise routine. UGH! Never again! I feel like I have my life back under my control. You can do this too.

[Ripple]

Want to be AF

love resting in peace.

oh dear redhibiscus~its time to freshen up and join the ladies group. we have all been there at some time and its HELL! there is help here for you dear one...step in and have a seat..look around and see you are not alone..it gets better you know..give some time. :h

[Eastender]

Want to be AF

Hi Red and :welcome:,

Your story is a lot like mine and a lot of other folk here.
Well done on your 5 and now 2 days AF thats a really good start.
Try not to beat yourself up over what has happened in the past and think only of the new today and the beginning of a new you.
You have already started to change just by being here.
Good luck on your journey and look forward to seeing you around the boards.

Eastx

[aquamarine]

Want to be AF

Redhibiscus - You are most definately not alone. I can totally relate to looking very normal
and together on the outside no matter how you felt. It is a very stressful and exhausting way to live. Keep coming here, read and post and you will be suprised how much it helps.
You can do this. It seems very daunting when you start out but just keep plugging away.
You will feel so much better not leading that double life. Take Care, Aquamarine

[Seto]

Want to be AF

Hiya Redhibiscus
I'm new too. I can relate to your story about putting on a "face" even when you are feeling really rough. I can even manage 5 mile runs daily and appear to be really healthy. Stick with it, I am. We can do this. Well done on the 5 day AF and 2 days starting again. That's better than what I've done so far. I'm starting day 1 again today and hoping to eventually manage a run of 30 days AF. My big goal is to be AF forever. Wishing you the best of luck. XXXXSeto

[Guest]

Want to be AF

A lot of people at my gym didn't believe it when I told them... but I have lost several jobs, been arrested, drunk driving, looking terrible in the middle of a binge.

Two sides.

[redhibiscus]

Want to be AF

still trying to be AF

:thanks: I can't tell you how great it was to get some replies. I need to hear from others who have been in the same situation as me...acting as if everything was normal when I was dying on the inside.

The funny thing is, when I make an effort not to drink, I feel better and better...good mood, no aches or pains, can think clearly. That is the insanity of this whole substance abuse thing. Why in the heck do you keep on doing something that makes you feel so horrible.

I can tell that each and every person on this forum has tons of good qualities. For many, the only thing is their alcohol use that brings them down.

I am going to keep on keeping track of my AF days and I can barely wait for my book, CDs, and supplements. I am worried about the weekend.

[maggymay]

Want to be AF

dont even think about the weekend. When it comes you can take care of it then. Each day is one step further. I have only been AF since Monday but already feel better. I was worried about lunch Tuesday, dinner last night and again tonight. But seem to be getting by. Stay active - that helps me a lot. And this site is wonderful.

Like you I was acting normal but was beaten up inside. Alcohol had a very strong hold over me but i still managed all the normal things. Already I see the difference. I even woke this morning wondering what was wrong - I was calm and rested. No stress at all and looking forward to the day. The worry I had yesterday of meeting friends tonight is gone. I will drive and look forward to my dinner with glass of water. The plusses of sobriety far outweigh what went on. Easy though to say and hard to sustain i guess otherwise why on earth would we be killing ourselves like this.

good luck

[redhibiscus]

Want to be AF

Feeling better

MM,
Thanks for your support. I realize your are right...everyday has its temptations. It is just this weekend we are having a visitor who we usually drink with...but I have already set the stage for no drinks by saying something about my diet.

That's another thing, I just don't feel like telling anyone about my stuggle, except my husband who I need to have on board if I am going to make changes. And he is on board so far, but then it is not the weekend. I think he feels horrible alot too but acts as if everything is O.K. Of course he probably compares himself to my intense emotional and physical hangovers. I have tried for a while to quit after feeling like hell in the morning.

Anyway, AF 4 days and feeling great. Slept 7 straight hours, woke up feeling rested, and ready to take on my busy day. And, I feel as if I can handle it because I do not feel ill. Yeah!!! RH:thanks:

[bald headed old guy]

Want to be AF

Red,
:goodjob:!! Day 4!! WONDERFUL!

And you even can start to feel so much better! YES!!!
you CAN do this! It is not "easy" but then anything worth value is never "easy"! but it is possible and with the support here, and your own desire to make it happen, yes, you CAN do it. Stick around here! Keep posting! read the book, read some of the older threads.. make some new friends!

Again, CONGRATULATIONS on day 4!
looking forward to hearing more from you...each day, each hour is a success story waiting to be written!
Stay Strong!
BHOG