Self hatred

[stella]

I have spent 23 years of my life drinking heavily. I have always used "liquid courage" to deal with everything. The amount I drink has escalated to daily and five or six mixed drinks each night with my husband. We call it cocktail hour - ha ha. Drinking is all that seems to make me feel okay - temporarily....then the next day - like today - I hate myself because I know it's wrong. I tell my husband we are alcoholics, but he says we aren't. Truthfully, most people would not think we have a drinking problem. Our lives seem great to the outside world. However, I know I'm addicted. I know that I was not as good a mother as I could have been because of this and I feel guilty.....I'm not as good a person as I could be because of drinking and I feel guilty. I have so much baggage that I could go on and on with my pity party, but really all I want is to start living a life I can be proud of. I think if I quit drinking my self esteem would improve and I might actually be able to forgive myself for wasting most of my life. My mother was an alcoholic and used to try to commit suicide frequently. I think I understand now, though I hated her then. I am not suicidal, but I am very very depressed. Just before my mother passed away, and when I was 46 years old, she confessed that my father was not really my father. I knew he never liked me....ha ha again. Now, I have a 25 year old son who is a severe alcoholic....worse than me in amount and behavior, but still just another drunk like me:new:. How can I help him if I can't help myself. Well, enough complaining. Just helps to know others.

[disapprovingcat]

Self hatred

Boy Stella, do you have a LOT of company here.

"functioning" alcoholic - check
drinking partner/co-dependent - check
depressed - check
regret, self-loathing, parent problems - check check check

For myself, the chronic drinking escalated with my depression (knew the symptoms, didn't recognize it in myself) and I was self-medicating. I sought treatment for my depression when it became intolerable and it wasn't until that was addressed that I was able to tackle this problem. In addition to the support here, I really recommend that you find someone to talk to about the underlying issues - you will start to feel better and stronger. I still have fears and many regrets but I'm moving forward and so can you!

:welcome:

[nancy]

Self hatred

Hi Stella

Boy you have said so much in your post it is hard to know where to start in responding or to write an adequate response.

One thing seems clear, that you want to change. You don't want to be like your mother and you sense that you have some control over this. The experience on this site shows we actually do have some control. It starts with self-love, but you need to have this now, not just when you recover and come out of the alcoholic haze. Start caring for yourself now.

I am reading a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. She suggests self-affirming statements like: I love myself therefore....

What comes after? So many things. I love myself therefore I don't abuse my body with alcohol for starters.

So your husband sounds like he isn't willing to face up to the problem. You can still deal with it yourself.

Good luck and take care.
:welcome:

[stella]

Self hatred

Thanks for the encouragement

It sure helps to know others have been where I am at, and that there truly is hope for people like me. I'm hoping I can just make it through today. We have a Wednesday night group of couples we go out to dinner with....always includes drinks. So, I told my husband I did not want to go and I told him why. He was okay with that. I think really he wants to quit drinking too but hates to admit he has a problem.

[Cinders]

Self hatred

Stella,

First off, Welcome!!

Secondly, I, too have drinking children, one of which I am helping get to rehab this morning. She is a complete mess right now and supposed to get "married" May 11, but her liver and her life are so bad right now that she decided rehab is the only way. I agree. So, off to rehab she goes this morning and I pray that she finds the strength to heal.

I, too, have wasted so much time in my life with drinking and am so glad to be free of that for the last 30 days.

You can do this, you can be happy, and you can find joy, just like me, in being sober.

I would definitely download the MWO book written by Robert Jewell and read it. It is inexpensive and explains the program and how it works. This program incorporates much more than just this forum. It advocates supplements, exercise, and hypnotherapy. Most here choose some modification of the program and whatever way they feel comfortable with.

Many here have chosen to choose and AF (alcohol free) path rather than moderation. You must choose what path you find best for you.

Good luck and look forward to getting to know you.

Cindi
XXXI

[stella]

Self hatred

Hope - at last

Cindi, funny I always was so self absorbed I never really gave much thought about other people out there struggling with similar problems. I appreciate you taking the time to encourage me in the midst of your own struggles. I sincerely hope your daughter does okay and has a wonderful marriage and life. I definitely know the worry and the hurt of watching a child suffer from addiction. I appreciate so much your words of advice and encouragement. They give me strength and they give me hope.

[Accountable for Me]

Self hatred

:welcome: stella!

You are in good company here. I can't really add anything more than the others have here, but wanted to say welcome, and give you lots of :l. I am glad you found us.

[bald headed old guy]

Self hatred

Stella,

If you read some of the older threads and posts, you will find (at least i did) that you are not alone..in fact, there are a lot of us here that have been or are in your situation. And one fo the things I found, is that knowing you are not alone, or weird, or different is a good thing.

It sounds like you are really ready to make a big change in your life. i agree with Cindi, downmlaod a copy of the book and read it, look at the possiblity of some suppliments and or medicaitions. If you have a dr you can confide in, tell her or him what is going on and seek her/his advice and ideas.

You talked aobut your husband, and how the two of you "drink together," which is not at all unusual. I would suggerst to you that quitting, however, is something you must do for yourself. I don't believe you can quit for any other person. You may be motivated by a desire to be a better partner, spouse, parent, etc., but you and you alone are responsible for choosing to drink or not to drink.

One of the wonderful points aobut this site it the great support everyone gives each other. Please don't be afraid to post your questions, comments, concerns, feelings as you make this journey! Every day you have AF (alcohol free) is one day closer for you. Each hour is one hour closer. If you "slip" and have a drink, ok, get up, dust yourself off..and come back here and talk with us. You have so much to live for! and so many reasons to make this journey! I look forward to hearing more from you in the days and weeks ahead.
Enjoy Life! I am!

BHOG

[Laurav]

Self hatred

Welcome Stella,
I feel your pain. I discovered that a few weeks after I stopped abusing AL my self esteem has skyrocketed. Nice side effect!
Hang around this place for awhile. There are some awesome people and a wonderful support system here.

[owlet]

Self hatred

Ditto the Above

:welcome: Stella,
Great post. Listen to everyone here. There's always a tidbit from each person that can be of help. For example, I have found that BHOG is a great philosopher. We've all got baggage here - some of it parallels what others have, so we can help each other with advice - or at least compare horror stories and not feel alone. No lectures, no judgments. Just people trying to help each other - either cut down, become AF, or just lay out our problems and hope for a :l.
Change can and will happen if you're ready. Some people have been there - I'm not there yet, but am drawing inspiration from others, and will continue to come to these boards to listen to their stories. When the time is right, it will happen. It's even harder when you have an alcoholic spouse - I know that from experience. Hang in with us and we'll try to get through this together.
Best of luck
Owlet

[FloridaBoy]

Self hatred

:welcome: There are a lot of functional alchoholics...like me. I too realized that I had to do something about it. I imagine that there are more of 'us' than show up in the statistics. When I told friends that I was no longer drinking they did ask why and I just said it was getting in the way and I would get a pretty bad hangover. I really don't think you have to explain anything...it's just a choice. So hang in there and come here nad read some posts when you feel like drinking.


Do try the Kudzu.

[happy4once]

Self hatred

Hi Stella - many of us have been where you are now. Looking back now, 3 months into this program, I can't for the life of me understand what took me so long to stop. I think this program and this site makes it so much easier to stop, but it is just the start...

All that depression and the issues with your mother will still be there to deal with. But I promise you if you decide to make some changes in your drinking, your thinking will start getting clearer as well. It's not always easy to deal with, but you really do feel better. It's amazing how much damage even 2-3 nightly drinks can do to the way you think and feel. I feel great now physically and I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up. Finally learning to be a stronger person. All the things that normal people dealt with along time ago...and it's really great. I hope you decide to stay with us and give up the nightly cocktails for a bit to see how you feel.

Welcome and good luck to you : )

[janedunn26]

Self hatred

you are not alone

Hi Stella,

I am also new here. I have been a functional alcoholic for about 10 years, probably longer, but daily drinker for that long. I have a 9 year old daughter and also feel guilty about not being a good mother as well. I am married and have a good job and from the outside all looks fine but it isn't. I share all the same feelings you do.

I am on day 3 of being AF. Today was easier than yesterday because I stayed busy during the evening. Day 1 and 2 were difficult. I am taking one day at a time. I am going for 30 days. I have ordered the book, CD's and Kudzu and ordered it "priority" last week. I started Topamax last week. I bought L-Glutamine supplement at the vitamin store today when I was feeling weak. I come to this site often and just read posts for encouragement. It helps. I feel better today. No hangover, no guilt, actually spent the evening enjoying my daughter's company.

Stella, you have taken the first step toward getting healthy and gaining your self esteem and happiness.

Jane

[boozehag]

Self hatred

Hello Stella
Welcome to the gang we have all got similar stories and a common wish to improve our lives by getting rid of AL. I am so sorry about your son that must be devastating but as you say once you help yourself you may be able to help him too. Download the book as starters it will really help and if you follow the programme and check in here for support and you will see results. You have the will now so all you need is to find the way and this may be it for you as it is for many others in similar circumstances. I am on day 17 today with the aids of some meds and I cant begin to tell you how good it is. I can feel my brain changing already even at this early stage and I am no longer obsessed with everything revolving around AL. Initially people (and me) seem to worry about missing AL and not being able to think about what their life might be like without it but the truth is you quickly realise that there is nothing to miss and you can have a life without it.
Anyway hope to see you here again.
Best of luck.
BH

[bald headed old guy]

Self hatred

Stella,
how are you doing today? I hope you found some advice and encouragement in the posts yesterday! Please stay on here with us and come back often. I know as I was starting this journey, scared, afraid of my own shadow, I thought no one would care about me and my problem..but I found out this site is different and people here do care!
I hope to hear from you soon.
Stay Strong!
BHOG