I can't do this on my own - help

[wastedtime]

I started on the site a few weeks ago. I knew I was going to have a hard time with this. I went to my mother's funeral last week. I knew that it was going to be difficult to NOT drink during that "reunion". My father was drinking heavily. My husband and my sisters were drinking. For me I actually didn't drink as much as I usually do. But since the funeral, now that I am back home, it is back to drinking acouple of bottles of white wine - almost every night. The worst drinking "episode" I have ever had. I am so depressed. I watched my mother die of liver cancer. Three days before she died and her liver was failing, she woke up from a nap and her eyes had huge yellow globules in them and I thought, that's how my kids are going to see me die. Not from cancer but from a failed liver. I don't go out and drink. I rarely drink with other people - other than my husband. I can drink two or three beers and stop. I don't like hard liquor. It's just the white wine. And when I feel like I have beat the need for it for a couple of days, I feel all powerful and I buy another couple of bottles and it all starts over again. I know on one hand that I am self-medicating for depression and anxiety and low self-esteem. And I know that the alcohol is actually adding to those problems. I know on the other hand that drinking alcohol for "recreation" is a long-standing habit with me. I also know that I have an addiction to overeating and smoking. It seems I'll do anything to add to my self-destruction. I can't do this on my own. I am so tired of this cycle. I want to know what it is like to live a life without alcohol making it all fuzzy and unreal. It is my way of staying detached from life. I want to live without alcohol, but I can't imagine my life without it. Please can someone tell me the steps I need to take to break this cycle. I want to be clean. I want to be there for my kids. Today, I know I won't drink. But what do I do to prepare for tomorrow and the next day. I know that logically I just shouldn't buy any more white wine because I can have the other stuff in the house and it doesn't bother me. Why isn't it that simple - to just not buy the stuff. I'm sorry this is so long. I need help and I feel selfish and weak to ask for help. Please tell me some of the steps you have taken to get well. Thank you.

[keeta]

I can't do this on my own - help

**copied this from your other thread

wastedtime,

Welcome back.
First, please let me offer my condolences to your mother passing. I can not imagine how terrible it is for you. *big hugs offered*

Secondly, I am battling along, the same as you, trying to beat the terrible cycle of drinking behaviour i have created for myself.
This site is for people exactly like you and I, and so many others. You are not selfish and weak asking for help. How brave you are to come and admit to your addiction and ask for help in stopping.

There are many ways here to help you begin your journey. There is the book, and cd's and the suppliments, for starters. Also, as crazy as it sounds, it can be as simple(and as damn hard) as NOT buying the wine. Not taking that very first drink!
Also, this board, this site, is filled with wise people, that care, and can help support you, no matter what stage you are at!

I don't have any better advice...I am sorry. I am sure people further along than I am will pop in soon.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone, and offer my welcome to MWO!

Take good care,
K

[Marshy]

I can't do this on my own - help

Hi wastedtime,

Firstly, it's not weak and selfish to ask for help - it's a positive thing to want to improve your life. You've been through a very difficult time and and it's hardly surprising that you're feeling very down. But, as you said, alcohol does make it worse.

What I found vital in breaking my drinking habit was just that - changing my routine, doing things differently so I didn't automatically find myself with a glass in my hand. So, if you sit down in front of the TV with a bottle of wine, DON'T do that. Have a bath and read a book instead. Go for a walk, go to the gym, just do something to change your daily ritual. Avoid the store where you buy your wine, so you don't follow your usual steps to the booze aisle. I also had to avoid certain social situations for a while.
I stocked up the fridge with soft drink flavours that I hadn't tried before so there were new drinks available and I didn't feel too 'deprived'!

Also, don't think about the rest of your life. Just get through today. Then get through tomorrow. It's not easy but it really does get better if you try.

[Peanut]

I can't do this on my own - help

mama

Hi,
I know how you are feeling. My mother passed away last December, gall bladder cancer, but of course it hugely affected her liver function and she was so yellow, she was almost green. It was so hard near the end, and I went to visit and stay with her quite alot (we are not in the same city), she needed so much help. Old daddy has dementia and I think it tired her out dealing with him and her own illness. It was sad but a relief when she passed and we were all there with her. After the funeral, there was a huge drunken debauchery - even my kids were wasted and my daughter fell off some basement stairs and hurt herself. The drunken party was something my mother wouldn't have liked, as she was concerned about all us kids and our drinking habits, especially with her liver function problems. I think of it often, as without your liver, life is really no good. So why do I keep on damaging it?!?!?!

My bro came through town last night, and we drank all the wine in the house. Not even any homemade left. I am willing myself not to buy any today - if I don't buy it, I can't drink it. Will this be day 1 AF for me??? Hopefully, my van will behave, and drive me home and not to the liquor store!!!!

Have a great day today!
Peanut

[Chief]

I can't do this on my own - help

Hi Wastedtime....

Welcome.....you are here....that's the first step....

Have you read the MWO book? That's the first thing you should do. The second thing you should do is decide if you are serious about not drinking. If you are, then I advise buying the MWO starter pack which has all the vitamins and supplements you need to start on the road to recovery.

You have to want it, though......you have to make a committment to change the way you think and feel about alcohol. It's not just a matter of not drinking....it has to be a total change in the way you view alcohol.

If you decide it is time to get serious and do something to fix the problem, instead of just sitting around wondering why you can't quit, then we can help you. We can't do it for you, but we can sure help and guide you along the way....

There are a lot of caring people here who will gladly give you advice, support, and a kick in the ass if you need it....

So, read the book, do some soul searching, and when you're ready.....jump right in....

We're glad you are here.....this place can change your life....it did mine.

Don
Day 262 AF

[Palatia]

I can't do this on my own - help

Hi wastedtime..

You know, your name says a lot... Amazing how many years of my life I wasted... drinking.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.. what a difficult time. No matter what, you need to take care of yourself, emotionally and otherwise.

There is an alternative to wasted time.. it's not wasting time. It's living.. it's experiencing, learning, growing... getting to know ourselves again. It isn't always easy (some days are), and it isn't instant.. but it happens...

:l

[gelgit]

I can't do this on my own - help

mother

My mother, who died 6 years ago now, had a birthday last week and that was my trigger to start another binge. We had a very difficult and painful relationship which was never resolved. I thought I had overcome the pain and broken all the apron strings, but, obviously NOT. Thinking of you all, g. :h

[Thankful]

I can't do this on my own - help

Wastedtime, I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Wow, I read through your posts and I see so many things I can relate too.

I lost my mom to cancer 16 years ago. Six months after she passed I found out my fiance was having an affair. Yup, I drank very heavialy for over 15 yrs. Only my poison of choice was beer. And like you, I can be surrounded by everything else and it doesn't even tempt me. You are brave for reaching out for help. I am so glad you found us.

I really can't add any more to what Chief has said. That about explains it all.

Best of luck, hun. We are here for you.

Love, Me
:l

[LVT25]

I can't do this on my own - help

Dear wasted,
i would like to reiterate what marshy said--it is not weak and selfish to ask for help, just the opposite!! It would be weak and selfish NOT to ask for help!

My parents passed away 3 years ago--6 months apart. CANCER SUCKS!!!! My father in law also passed away right before my mom. I started drinking alot more than usual at that time. But with the help of MWO I'm doing much, much better. There is hope. Stick around and you will see.....

[Guest]

I can't do this on my own - help

Hi there,

I really feel for you that you are going through such emotional pain. I lost my grandmother and it was like losing another mom, and the worst of it was is that I was in another country and very pregnant and didn't get to see her before she passed. I don't think a day has gone by that I don't think of that; it took me a long time to not beat myself up over that and quite truthfully I am still not 100 percent there.

Somedays it's like pulling out my fingernails when I drive by the shop and don't pick up a bottle or two. I am getting much better at moderation, finding a healthy balance in my life has made that possible. Somedays is much harder then others, but with help from my friends and all the people here have made a tremendous difference. As well as adding up the money I spent on the juice a month prompted me to cut back so much I was able to buy a new sofa for my living room!

It is hard, I'm not going to say it's going to be easy because it's not. And somedays you will feel like you can conquer the world; and other days you will feel like it has you on your knees. But we are all strong, we just don't realize how strong we actually are.

[wastedtime]

I can't do this on my own - help

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I have downloaded the book and have been reading it on and off all day. I know I can get through today and then tomorrow but when I see all those days ahead - all those stumbling blocks - all those days fighting my excuses and my justifications. Believing I'm in control when I'm not. I can't have one drink. One drink always leads to bottles. Wishing my family would hurry up and go to bed each night so I can drink in peace. I think I'm ready this time. Turns out I have anti-alcohol hypnosis CDs already from when I tried to stop drinking right after I found out about my mom's cancer. I will start listening to them regularly tomorrow. That's my first baby step goal. Right now I'm concentrating on today and trying to step away from the guilt from yesterday. I'm actually afraid that people will notice I'm not drinking. I don't know why that makes me so nervous. I need to get to the bottom of that feeling. I have a lot of homework! Thanks everyone! It's so good to hear help and advice from people who understand and aren't judging me.

[Guest]

I can't do this on my own - help

It doesn't matter if people notice you are not drinking; what matters is how you feel about yourself. If you feel great not drinking, then that's excellent. If they notice and find it odd, that's their issues to deal with. We all make excuses and we can all justify why we drink; I can talk myself into pretty much anything. But at the end of the day it's me I'm looking at in the mirror, not anyone else. If I can't live with the decisions I have made, something has to be done. I've spent too much money on this gorgeous bed of mine to lose any sleep in it ;-)

[Thankful]

I can't do this on my own - help

I completely agree with Gia. Right now you have to focus on you. You have too much on your plate to worry about what others are gonna think. Don't waste your precious energy on it.

You hang tough, hun. Good job setting up a plan. Baby steps...whatever it takes. The journey is worth it.

Love, Me
:l

[keeta]

I can't do this on my own - help

wt,

Good job setting up a plan.
The best advice I can give is look at staying AF just today. Just today. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week...other than setting a plan in place to fill up your time, or plan of attack for trigger moments.

One day, one hour...one minute at a time...you can do this!

Lots of support here...hope to see you around,
Love and hugs,
K

[matthen]

I can't do this on my own - help

Dear Wastedtime -- thanks so much for being here, I see so much of myself in you. I too recently went on a binge after the death of a loved one and I am so sorry you are going through that pain. My own binge scared me for some reason I don't fully understand, except to say that I had been reading on this site for about 2 weeks. (Seeing yourself described in so many other peoples posting and seeing the horror we have inflicted on ourselves is powerful medicine.) And while I was reading MWO, I actually had 9 days AF before starting my new binge. I am now on my fourth day AF.

This coming weekend I am going to a big family party and this wing of the family does push the booze -- somewhat obnoxiously. I too am "afraid" they will notice that I am not drinking and will intimidate me into a drink, which will lead to you know where.

I am thinking of inventing a temporary medical condition such as "my doctor wants to monitor my blood pressure" or whatever. Maybe even declare temporary insanity . I figure once I blame it on a doctor, it would have a double benefit. First it will get them to stop pushing booze in my face. And second, after telling them that lie, I would be far too embarrassed to drink. Whatever it takes.

Lots of love and wish you the best.