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    #1

    JUST STARTED

    Hi

    I am also new to the site. I am 31 and have been like this for 10 years, the cycle of the drinking to black out waking up, hating myself and feeling guilty and full of anxiety promising myself i won't drink again and then have a days rest and feel good and in control then the next day it starts again. It is complete madness. I manage to hold down a job but am so full self hatred, and bewilderment at my behaviour that i have almost given up and resign myself that am i going to be like this for the resto f my life. I have recently been in thailand on a retreat and didn't drink for 2 weeks but as soon as i am back it is back to the same routine. I did manage to give up last year for 6 months but started again. I do have hypnotherapy to raise my self-esteem, but the compulsion to drink is so strong i am almost shaking and just can't control it.

    My drinking has changed and now i just drink on my own as a bit of me time, so in effect i am lying to everyone else. I think the thing is is that i also suffer from a bit of social anxiety and feel frightened of going on a date so that keeps me not wanting to try and when i am dry again for a while i start to think about how i am going to get married if i can't even go on a date!! It is a vicious cycle and i am so jealous of people who can drink normally.

    Anyway, i am glad to be on this site as it makes me feel like i am not alone.

    Good luck to everyone and any advise would be great!!

    Thanks
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    #2
    JUST STARTED

    Hi Lausibel
    I am new to this also- it has been a great source of comfort and has kept me going. I was in the worst state of self hatred, anxiety and all that wonderful stuff after a particularly blurry/black out night. I don't understand it either- why can some people get completely boozy and don't think a thing of it or they can just drink "normal"? I am caught in the same viscious cycle that you are and I just can't stand what I am doing to myself. I am always certain I have done something dreadful that I am not remembering and I feel deeply ashamed and guilty- it makes me crazy. I take solace in finally knowing I am not alone. The live chat room is a wonderful tool, anytime you need support, there is someone there. I was encouraged to start posting, so I am being brave and doing so. I feel I am walking on thin ice at work as well, I have been unreliable and lethargic...I just feel overwhelmed most days and don't want to get out of bed. I feel paralyzed with fear and self loathing. I hate to be so dramatic but it is how I have felt for over 20 years and I want it to stop. Thank you for listening, input and reassurance is always appreciated.
    Best to you all!

    Comment

      #3
      JUST STARTED

      Welcome Lausibel,

      If you have read many of the posts on this site you will see you are in good company.

      Not sure if I can give you much advice since I don't go alcohol free until 1 May. There are a number of us who have chosen that date.

      Sounds like you are doing the right thing having help with your self esteem. You have just as much to say for yourself as anyone else and it is just as interesting. When you believe that, things will become easier.

      I too drink alone a fair bit of the time, partly to destress and partly so that I don't have to feel anything. Not healthy I know but I just drifted into this over the last 16 years. So totally understand what you mean about the dating game etc.

      Seems like the best idea is to keep logging onto this site and reading what everyone else is doing and feeling so that you don't feel alone. Then whenever you need to ask for help and chances are someone else wil have been through it before.

      Hope this helps
      Learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow - Einstein
      AF 8 June 2012

      Comment

        #4
        JUST STARTED

        Hello and Welcome!

        Life is too short to continue going through it feeling that way!! My Way Out is a great program. First thing you need to do is read the book (it can be downloaded from Health store here) and go from there. Keep posting and reading in the meantime. There is hope, ok?
        _______________
        NF since June 1, 2008
        AF since September 28, 2008
        DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
        _____________
        :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
        5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
        _______________
        The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

        Comment

          #5
          JUST STARTED

          You have come to a great place.
          I know that horrible feeling if guilt and self loathing.
          You CAN do it.
          I now look forward to waking up each morning feeling GREAT.
          ~Laura

          Insanity          : doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results................... Albert Einstein

          Comment

            #6
            JUST STARTED

            Lausibel, welcome to MWO.

            You say that you listen to hypnotherapy for self-esteem. If you are open to this and this works for you, there are CDs available for this program. I do not have them, but I have read many great things about them.

            I too used to drink a lot for social anxiety, but then it got the point where the social life got in the way of my drinking and I just always stayed home so I could drink more. You certainly can't meet anybody new that way either. Don't worry about finding someone right now, hun. Work on finding yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Once you get some AF time under your belt you will see things much clearer.

            We are here for you. Good luck!

            Love, Me
            :l
            Alcohol is simply the device between success and failure.

            Comment

              #7
              JUST STARTED

              You have come to the right place!
              Trying to stop drinking is one of the hardest things I have ever done; and I'm going through a seperation/divorce! Everyday I have to give my self pep talks and emotionally prepare myself as things are going to come my way which will make me want to drink. Right now I am moderating, and it's working for me. If I feel the urge to drink to much I call my very good friend and he helps me though it, we are eachother's rock. I would not have gotten this far without him.
              Everyday will be a new day to get through, and it's not as easy as someone saying "just don't do it" as I've heard so many times. It's the emotional battle that goes along with it, and if you are having physical withdrawls that just adds to it.
              But, we are all here together in the same boat all pulling the oars to the same destination; spiritual peace within ourselves.
              So, chin up. Be proud of who you are and take it as it comes.

              Comment

                #8
                JUST STARTED

                May 1 start

                Hello Lausibel and Bluesy,
                I have not yet gone AF, but like Loppy Lugs, I plan on starting May 1. I still haven't received my cd's and supps, but I think I will try to do it with or without them. Not sure how successful I will be. There is no wine in my house right now, and I just might be doing an AF day starting today!!! I feel like crap right now - drank too much with my brother last night - ended up taking the morning off. So yes - work does suffer somewhat with this problem I have. I so look forward to getting up in the morning feeling good, not hitting that snooze button, over and over again.
                Good luck with everything and keep posting.
                Peanut

                Comment

                  #9
                  JUST STARTED

                  Hi Lausibel -- Welcome to the site and keep coming back and post often. This is a great place to learn about who and even why we are the way we are. I just commented on another thread about anxiety and social fears, etc.

                  This fear of interaction with other people I think is very much of alcoholism. Forgive me for repeating myself from the other thread, but the question of which came first the alcohol or the inadequacy is an open question.

                  I was told by a psychologist that the social skills and personality development of an alcoholic stops at the point one behaves as an alkie. Once we stop relying on booze to ease our way through a social situation, our personal coping skills begin to grow again.

                  I sort of think he was right. But really don't know. Good luck, I am on day 4 and beginning to feel a smidgen of self confidence, and a little less fearful of social interaction. Good luck and post a lot, we want to know how it is going.
                  Matt

                  Comment

                    #10
                    JUST STARTED

                    Hi Lausibel

                    I can't recommend the MWO book highly enough. :welcome:

                    You're in great company here. I'm glad to meet you :l
                    "Action is...the enemy of thought." :l Joseph Conrad

                    Comment

                      #11
                      JUST STARTED

                      Lausibel and Blusey!
                      Welcome! to the best site on the WWW for learning about and controling AL (alcohol). This site can give you a lot of support, love, and encouragement. It will not give you lectures. It will expect you to stand up and be resposnible for yourself.
                      You CAN do this! If you are ready, and are willing to learn how to become A/F (alcohol free) or to moderate your drinking, this is the site for your.
                      Here you wil get support, love, encouragement, please post, read, chat, ask questions, talk about your feelings.
                      I hope to hear a lot from you!
                      Stay Strong!
                      BHOG
                      War isn't working. Let's try Peace!

                      Comment

                        #12
                        JUST STARTED

                        THANKYOU!

                        I have just logged on and was so happily surprised to see all these lovely replies. It really has given me a boost, so Thankyou to all of you.

                        I have a work convention on Thursday and am dreading the though of picking up a glass because of feeling nervous or having a compulsion, (are they the same thing?), but am going to drive, and just leave after the directors have spoken because after that it really is a massive drinkfest. I have got to do it!!

                        Anyways good luck to all of you!!

                        Many Thanks xx

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