I fell really hard...

[caseaday]

Please help.

I was doing so absolutely well up until a week ago last Friday and unexpectedly crashed very hard. I had a dinner meeting with my brother whom I have always really enjoying spending time with but rarely get to see anymore. One of our rituals was to drink beers together and have some really good family discussions. I wasn't too nervous about drinking and absolutely not worried about getting drunk.

I was at day 20 AF and feeling great and confident that I could manage the situation because I had been around many dinners with alcohol and it didn't affect me at all. So when he came to my house I had bought a six pack for he and his wife and I bought a six pack of AF beer for myself. We spoke for about 3 hours at my house and I was drinking my AF out of a beer mug so I didn't have to explain anything. Another part of my plan was to have 3 real beers at dinner as a way of being a responsible drinker for a special occassion. Back to AF right after dinner.

The first half of beer scared me somewhat because I could literally feel the alcohol coursing through my veins but I thought it was only because I was hungry. But the second, third and fourth beer went fine over the course of the next 3 hours. I realized that I was really high energy and overly talkative which I then determined was related to AL. So, I decided to get back to my nightly plan which meant getting my butt home and into bed. Not TV no Al no nothing.

The next morning I woke up a little dim witted but was proud of sticking to most of my plan. Two hours latter the most intense urges I have ever experienced kicked in and I paced the floor for two hours fighting them off. I went to town to get a paint brush and also returned with a case of beer. I lost the devil / angel conversation that I was having.

I drank the entire 24 cans and committed to quiting on Sunday because I was hating every drop. I felt horrible on Sunday so I decided to quit on Monday and the story goes on and on. But one thing that was scaring me was that the mental and physical aspects of the AL was much more intense than ever before - bizarre thoughts, strange sensations, and a total dislike of what I was doing. Everyday committing to getting back on this site and quitting and everyday failing.

Well on Thursday I went to my other brothers house because I was bored and drank a 12 pack with him (I think) and decided to walk home. I got half way to my house and suddenly lost all the feelings in my legs and could barely walk. Nothing had ever happened like that to me and I was scared. A lady asked me if I was having a diabetic attack and I told her I was fine. She kept watching me and called the police for help. I made it to my house fell in the driveway and then collapsed in the garage. Four cop cars and eight officers showed at my door and forced their way into my home to find me. My dogs barking, an eight year old scared to death and my girlfriend trying to get them to leave. They finally found me in the garage with a gash on my head and gave me a breathalizer and it was really high. I somehow managed to convince them not to take me to detox or the hospital but they said I needed to leave the home for 24 hours and they would not press charges against me. They put me in the back of a squad car and took me to a friends house.

I can hardly remember any of the details as I just found out yesterday what happened from my girlfriend. After I lost the feeling in my legs everything was a massive blur. I feel like a complete loser!

I can't figure how I went from being so excited and happy about being AF to having AL have such an over the top affect on me. I spent all day yesterday racking my brain as hard as possible on how four beers on a Friday night could trigger 6 days of heavy drinking that ALSO had alcohol affects that were so over the top and extremely intense. It scared me to death and I feel mentally and physically shot as I just am starting Day 2 AF.

I can't get my mind off of how I blew it and how the alcohol had such an enormous effect on me and ruined everything that I worked to hard to accompliish.

[Starlight Impress Forever]

I fell really hard...

Hi caseaday,
Am sorry to hear you`ve had such a terrifying experience, having gone back on the drink. However, if we consider alcohol to be the poison that it is, it`s understandable that even a little drink after 20 AF days could have a devastating effect.......it hits us harder if we`ve abstained for a while.

Further, in RJ`s book, the recommended minimum AF period before attempting mods is 30 days. However, most of us find that a longer AF period is required if we are to attempt drinking moderately and some of us, like myself, have come to accept that we will never be able to moderate. If you`re intent on ultimately drinking moderately, I think you should strive for a lengthy AF period and perhaps then try again. Then again, that 20 days you enjoyed off the drink has given you an insight into just how well we can feel without booze in our lives.

It`s very much a personal decision as to whether our goal is mods or abs. It`s interesting that you could drink such a huge amount after 20 days of sobriety.......it really just shows that you haven`t yet laid firm enough foundations to drink moderately and only time will tell if you will ever make a moderator. I myself, decided to have one glass of wine after an entire 5 mths abs, only, I drank til I was blacked out.....I finally accepted that moderation isn`t for me, although many here can successfully control their drinking......we are all different.

I wish you all the best in your journey,

Darling x

[Chief]

I fell really hard...

Case....everything Darling says is right on the money....

Get through the day without drinking. Then get up and do it again. Strive for that feeling of sobriety you had for 20 days....keep reminding yourself how terrible alcohol affects you. You are going through this because The Beast successfully put into your mind that you "must have a few beers with your brother"....and you fell for it. All The Beast wants you to do is have 1 drink....that's all. After that, he will take it from there....and the result is always the same......exactly where you are right now.

So, it's time to step up and take back your mind.......take back control....

I have learned the only way I can beat The Beast is to never step into the ring with him.....once you're in the ring....you're done.

Keep reading and posting so we can help you get through the first few days....

You can do it....you just have to make it your mission.

Don

[Marshy]

I fell really hard...

caseaday;324562 wrote:

I spent all day yesterday racking my brain as hard as possible on how four beers on a Friday night could trigger 6 days of heavy drinking .

Hi caseaday,

That's not uncommon. If I have one drink, I drink for the next five or six days. I didn't know this until I tried to give up, because I was drinking pretty much every day anyway so how could I know? It's only with some AF time that I realise how dangerous one drink is for me. That's the nature of addiction - you feed it a little bit and it wants more, more, more.

Also, the physical effects are much worse when you drink after a period of abstinence, especially if you go straight back to drinking the amount you were used to before.

You've had a horrible time but you've learnt some things as well. You've now got more first-hand information to help you make decisions about drinking in future.

[Guest]

I fell really hard...

I heard a psychologist lecture explaining that if you have crossed the line into AL addiction then there will be permanent changes to your neurological system. These changes get worse everytime you drink, they are also responsible for cravings and the feeling that "one is never enough". Some of the damage may be repaired after significant AF time BUT for some people they can never go back - which is why abstenance can be the only way for them.

Made sense to me. Explains why I would feel worse everytime I drank.

Which is why after I gave in last week, on day 56AF I was soooooo scared I would be back in my drink-crave-binge cycle again. I hid for 2 days - missed college, work and the dental appt I had waited for 6 weeks, but lo and behold whatever turn around in my soul I made in the rehab has come back - albeit gradually.

All I know now is that the slip was not worth it, sent me right back to where I came from. Ok luckily I only felt spiritually and emotionally rubbish for a few days but I do not want that EVER again. 3 hours and 9 pints of strong cider were definitely not worth it.

[Mohun]

I fell really hard...

Hi Case. Sorry to hear about the trouble you had. If all of us are looking for our "rock bottom" time to change, I'd say you found it.

I agree with everything that has been said above. Your story is exactly the same thing that happens to me every time I try to moderate. I do well for awhile and then think I am ok to drink "a little bit". Then BAM, right back into binge drinking. Repeat cycle.

They say you need 30 days before you should even attempt to moderate. I am playing it safe and hope to go 30 years before attempting to moderate.

You seem like a very nice person and were doing very well. Pick yourself up and take it one day at a time. keep using this site and using us. We are all on the same team here. Get some rest, lots of water, and good food.

You can do this, just get through the first few days and you will feel so much better.

Mo.

[caseaday]

I fell really hard...

Thank you all for you supportive comments and advice. As you gathered from my post that I am really upset and very down on myself. After reading what you wrote, I should have posted on Thursday or Friday and got some advice on to handle the time with my brothers. I would have learned that 20 days is way to early to go out and experiment with AL.

I can at least share some positive news. My girlfriend was in the process of moving out the morning after the police showed up because of the trauma of the situation and her awareness of all of the drinking. I shared with her I am on the MWO program and that I had made it 20 days before I messed up. I had kept MWO secret from everyone including her because I was embarrassed about the whole situation. She was very supportive of the entire program and has decided to stay and help me along the way. I am very greatful for how understanding she was. Probably should have told her about it a few weeks ago!

Thanks again for your comments. They really helped!

[tlrgs]

I fell really hard...

awesome news.. caseaday. really i have to tell you it work out the same way for me too after i started to help myself my gf look at me in a defferent light . time to count your blessing and learn talking is the best way to handle problems.then drnking them away

[Popeye]

I fell really hard...

Hi case,
That was a good, honest post and the replies are spot on.
It's always good to have your partner batting for you. Mine is an angel and keeps me straight whenever I need it. Asking for help when you need it is nothing to be ashamed of especially from a loved one. Nobody can go through life without at least a little help. It's not a weakness. It takes courage to open up.
All the best to you...

[FloridaBoy]

I fell really hard...

In the past I have had the same experience you did with a 'few' beers after being AF a while. It was not pleasant. I cannot moderate and once the AL starts it does not stop. Sharing MYO with your friend was a great idea. Good for you. :goodjob:

[wantrealmeaning]

I fell really hard...

Caseaday, I'm so sorry you slipped and had such a bad experience. I, like you, would be gutted if that happened to me. Please try not to be too down on yourself and take as much as you can in the way of self-awareness and learning from this experience.
I'm pleased that you've opened up to your girl, blessings in disguise hey?

I'm grateful to you for posting your experience, I'm taking nothing for granted where that sneeky bastard AL is concerned.
What UKblonde said makes sense to me. I'm pretty sure.....no....I'm definatley one of those people who has crossed that line of addiction, one drink is never enough for me, hell one bottle of wine isn't enough for me. Moderation.......:argh:....... it's like chinese water torcher, I can't do it, never have been able to.

I hope you begin to feel better about yourself very soon and that you get to 30days AF strong and proud, I have a feeling that you will definately make it this time. Remember to come here if you feel vunerable, there's strength to be found in asking for help and support :l.

Love
Want
xxxxx

[Dolly Sunshine]

I fell really hard...

One drink is too many and a thousand is not enough. We all do this at some point...it's all in what you make of it from here.

[Tiny]

I fell really hard...

Dolly is right... CaseADay hang in there ... I'm there with you... have had too much wine (again)... Monday is Day 1 (again)

[Frogzter]

I fell really hard...

Ouch!

Oh my but your post hit me hard! Being only 2 days AF myself it was a harsh realistic look at the way things really are. I can't tell you how many times I have been accompanied home by a police officer to find my 15 year old son at the door with a disappointed look on his face! I also can't tell you how many times a "few" beers turned into a few weeks of a drunken stupor followed by shame and guilt.

I was terribly disappointed this morning when I decided to go to church (haven't been in ages) simply because my son would be there and it is Mother's day. I found myself crying and walking out of the church and missing the services because my teenage son did not attempt to sit with me nor wish me a Happy Mother's day. The harsh reality hit me like a ton of bricks and I am terribly sad and mad (at myself).

The best advice I can give (am in no shape to be offering it with only 2 days) is what I have read here time and again. "One day at a time" is still one day sober if I keep it real today. I wish for you better days as well as for myself.

My heart really goes out to you as I know all too well what you are going through as apparently do a lot of others here. Some of them have been sober a long time, but they can remember being in the same place we are right now.

I hope your day will end AF and I pray the same for myself!

Blessings,

[matthen]

I fell really hard...

Hi Case -- sounds like a terrible experience and sorry you had to go through it. Like Marshy, 4 beers on a Friday night can lead to a 6 day binge for me. Wasn't always that way but as my alcoholism progressed so did the length of time I seemed to stay drunk. I hate it but also know, that although I am still an on and off drinker, I will Never be able to drink just one.

As I read yours and others posts, I am sharply reminded that part of a horrible hang over is the almost overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. It is part of the effect of the poison and sometimes totally irrational in its intensity. God we have a horrible illness. That's why I want it out of my life for ever, for good. But its a struggle and I am not yet there.

So glad you told us in detail what you went through. It helped me and I thank you. I think that recovery for us is possible -- and probably inevitable if we really want out. Just can't give up fighting against that horrible monster. I pray that we never give up. I don't think you will, you have come too far. Go for it and share often, warm regards,