I screwed up

[FinallyRN]

Ok, I screwed up. BIG time. I went out to dinner with my son last night. We ended up at a rib place that was AMAZING, chard, mash potatoes, slow roasted, fell off the bone baby backs??..get the picture? I decided I would have a beer with it??..it tasted incredible with the meal.
My plan has always been to moderate. I did the recommended 30 days and remained AF ODAT. Once I had the beer I got the buzz in my head that makes me feel wonderful. On the way home I stopped at the liquor store and bought a bottle of wine and I?m embarrassed to say a pack of cigarettes. I sat home, by myself, drinking and smoking, loosing myself in my thoughts. Needless to say I felt like shit this morning. I actually called in sick today. What would once have been nothing ( only ONE bottle ) made me pretty ill. I?m sad because I feel I haven?t learned anything. I?m depressed because I?m mad at myself and I feel so guilty. I have sat on this website and told others to pick themselves up and try again??I have tried to learn by reading and advising....I?m exhausted. I don?t think I can help anyone if I can?t help myself. Although I realize a lot of what I?m feeling today has to do with the hangover and won?t be so intense tomorrow?.it doesn?t help. I feel beaten, I give up, I?ll be dealing with this madness for the rest of my life.
So here goes again. Today was day 1 AF.

[Chief]

I screwed up

And Day 1 it is, RN....

I want to tell you I have the upmost respect for you....we've gotten to know eachother here, and I've known for a long time that you get it....you take this problem seriously.

The fact is, The Beast got you....he set you up with the perfect storm...I can almost smell the ribs!...lol

So what do you learn from this?.......never step into the ring with The Beast...

I'm so glad you posted....be very strong right now. A slip is one thing....a relapse back to your old ways is another....

We're all here for you....keep posting and helping others......it also helps you...

Don

[dexterhead]

I screwed up

Oh Finally. just typed a long post and lost it. I am sorry you are down! But please only beat yourself up the requisite amount , because I have so admired your progress and you have inspired me. I mean it!!! You know the drill ... this is a slip, you will learn a hell of a lot from it ..

FinallyRN;326240 wrote: I?ll be dealing with this madness for the rest of my life. .

Funny you said this .. I was just feeling like this tonight and feeling sad. But hell, we will just have to be on our guard against this bastard .. and I have to think it will get easier.
Hugs ... :l:l

[Thankful]

I screwed up

I don?t think I can help anyone if I can?t help myself.

Finally, please don't think like this, hun. You have helped many and continue to do so just by coming back and posting such honesty.

I agree with whats already been said....it was a slip. No reason to make it any worse. I won't even give you the "you know what to do" bit.

You are a strong lady with so much to offer not only to other members, but to yourself as well.

You'll bounce back. I know you will. Be kind to yourself, hun. We are here with you every step of the way.

Take care.

Love, Me
:l

[LVT25]

I screwed up

Rn--thanks for your honesty. Just goes to show AL has no favorites! You are one of my favorites here, don't forget that. It's always a learning experience!

[JLMDetermined]

I screwed up

I agree with everyone else. This was a slip (or a test) but it doesn't have to be a relapse. Get back up on the horse!

[Ripple]

I screwed up

RN...at least you were able to fully relax and get the job done! No harm done to you really, although feeling like crap the next day and not going to work is the biggest bummer. I had to drive home with a man who was onery and woke me the next morning early only to taunt me and make me feel more crappy. I started and stopped before trouble came along. It is not easy, just start over like i am. I'll be here just like you in the same boat..:l

[Croft]

I screwed up

I am thinking of you sweetie!!!

[FinallyRN]

I screwed up

I have to tell you, reading all you entries gave me a lump in my throat.......I mean it. And I am greatly humble by your thoughts. I can't say thank-you enough............maybe its not so bad.

[livingfree]

I screwed up

Rn - Honey just keep looking forward. Do not - I repeat do NOT let this be a spiral backwards. You just keep on keeping on.
Love ya
Liv

[SpiritGirl]

I screwed up

I just joined MWO tonight and this is one of the first places that I visited. I'm nervous and a little scared of failing. However, reading RNs post made me realize that this is where I belong. It is a relief that not everyone is "perfect" - that like me, there clearly are people here that are still a work in progress. I am ready to begin this journey. I hope to get plugged in quickly. RN, you're "slip" and the honest post that you have shared inspires me. You are not giving up - which is admirable and inspirational. Thank you for sharing.

[Ripple]

I screwed up

One thing about sobriety is when we take that BIG PLUNGE...we have done something to ourselves we can never change. It is an inner battle daily. No matter how many drugs we take, the thought comes along about that drink every single god damn day! Its even worst when we give into oursleves. I could not help it the other nite either RN, i came home and made myself a meal and went to sleep. I wanted more believe me and probably should have went all the way. Due to my circumstances I cannot. take care...i'm in the far back seat with the pink life jacket on with a sh*t load of mints in my purse and vouchers for slot play.:l

[Kiri]

I screwed up

consider analyzing it as a learning opportunity. Maybe a full month of sustained abstinence didn't change your brain chemistry enough for you to exercise the option for moderation. Maybe the smells and feelings of excess around the food and the meal triggered a full scale release. My feeling is that many of these patterns are learned and are like dominoes. One falls and the others follow. This is why abstinence makes more sense for me. I just don't let the first domino fall and I don't have to control the rest! I have not yet been able to predict where "just one" will take me so. If I could I wouldn't be here!
Most of us have tried and "failed" many different times at this. It is all part of the learning that leads us to change. Chin up, dust off, limp back on board. The only true failure is the one who gives up the fight.
Kiri

[Bessie]

I screwed up

RN - chin up. Tally ho and toodle pip and all that old girl! (best English accent). :H You are brilliant - the slip is just that. I know you can get back up and get going.

The bit about battling it for the rest of your life? Well, I thought that a lot a while back and it really felt depressing. But really it isn't because think of all the days you HAVEN'T had to battle. The days you've enjoyed being AF. The 30 day buzz, the knowing that you don't need/want a drink. I'm sure there must have been lots of these. So not a life long battle just a small daily (ODAT) check/adjustment needed to keep Al at bay. Like crossing a busy road each day - you need to watch out for the traffic but when you've crossed it you can keep on walking in safety.

Bessie xx:l:l

[beatle]

I screwed up

As everyone here has said-- IT WAS JUST A SLIP.

I think Kiri summed it up perfectly, so I won't repeat, but I do have one thought to add:

If "just" one bottle of wine, something that would not have affected you so much a while ago, made you feel so lousy, that means your body is returning to its natural state... which means you have already made progress not just mentally, but physically, too-- and neither one will be reversed by one bottle of wine