How can I make this time different?

[jls10]

I haven not been able to not drink for longer than a week of time in like 6 years. And if I do go a few days without drinking, it is SUCH a conscious effort, and, in my eyes, a major accomplishment. No one in my life knows how I struggle with this. My BF knows that it's a problem but he doesn't know the extent. I am a single mother of two young girls, a successful professional, I have great family & friends...but yet my drinking has gotten to the point where it is a feature in my life. Being busy with my kids, job and my house (and since my BF pretty much forbids me to drink), I mostly drink alone and hide it. So when I manage to go a few days, I feel so proud and no one to share it with, b/c everything in my life seems just great to everyone else. I know that so many of you can relate and that is such a comfort to me.
I plan to try AA (again) within the next few weeks when my schedule frees up. I have many of the supplements and the CD's and I've readthe book. I all seems to work, and honestly, I've cut down and had more 3-4 day stretches since I began trying MWO about 2 months ago. But I feel like once I hit 3-4 days, I convince myself that I don't have a problem and that I can "moderate", but I can't. I end up drinking 10-12 beers at night or a bottle of wine, feeling awful the next day, and the cycle continues. I know I am missing out on some good stuff in my life. The constant buzz, followed by hangover, takes me away from accomplishing tasks, exercising, really "being with my kids", and basically living life.
I have actually noticed these past two months how much happier and at peace I amewhen I don't drink. When I drink I have started to become frustrated , irritable, lazy, and downright miserable. So, duh, why do I do it?

I am now at 2 days AF and I feel clear, calm, focused, optimistic about life. I get things done, I take care of my kids better, I better at all I do. I'm on day 3 and it's a Friday. Weekends are beyond hard for me. I don't want to cave today and have to start all over again. I will carry my supps (esp kudzu and l-glut). I am just so afraid that after work, I will convince myself that I deserve it.

Thank you anyone who has taken the time to read this. I feel alone in this struggle, even though I know I shouldn't. I am going to give it my all today, I promise myself. I really would like to become more active on this board and share in all of the support that I read here. I will keep you posted, I promise, and not just disappear if I screw up (which I WON"T- at least not for today..)

[debruce]

How can I make this time different?

You are not alone. This is a great site, for moral support.
Hang in there and do the best you can
We do all care
xx:welcome:

[Guest]

How can I make this time different?

You are not alone. It's an everyday struggle..raising children alone is hard work, you never really get any down time to just sit back and take a breath in.

Stay with us, read the posts..the people here are lovely and are always willing to help you out.

[Grape]

How can I make this time different?

jls10,
U have just summed me up in a tee! except for the partner n kids..
This is my first post, and I am just thankful that, there are other people who understand!
I hope all goes well, 4 you.

[FloridaBoy]

How can I make this time different?

But I feel like once I hit 3-4 days, I convince myself that I don't have a problem and that I can "moderate", but I can't. I end up drinking 10-12 beers at night or a bottle of wine, feeling awful the next day, and the cycle continues. I know I am missing out on some good stuff in my life. The constant buzz, followed by hangover, takes me away from accomplishing tasks, exercising, really "being with my kids", and basically living life.
I have actually noticed these past two months how much happier and at peace I amewhen I don't drink. When I drink I have started to become frustrated , irritable, lazy, and downright miserable. So, duh, why do I do it?

:welcome: You are not alone. My behavior was the same. Then I found this site and realized I was not the only one with this issue. I just should not drink because I cannot moderate. The 'light' came on and I made a choice. I would rather feel good than :upset: and I do not miss the hangovers.

Tonight, if you feel like drinking, come here and read some posts instead. Get through this weekend and you will feel so much better about yourself.

[Muddle]

How can I make this time different?

I can relate to what you say about AL being a feature in your life. For years, I've seen people around me that can take it or leave it. If they have a drink fine, if they have other things to do, fine. For me, the wine at night is what I look forward to from about 3:00 on. I'd rather go home and drink then do something positive after work. I've known for a long time my focus on AL wasn't like how "normal" people view it. Day 5 here I come.

[Guest]

How can I make this time different?

Yes, you sound a lot like me too. You have to reach a place where you decide to accept you cannot drink - it took an awful lot for me to get there, and towards the end I was a useless wreck (even though I had 4 or 5 days AF in between drinks).

[rustop61]

How can I make this time different?

You are not alone, you sound so much like the rest of us. The book recommends 30 days and from experience I can tell you that it is well worth it. The more AF time you get under your belt the easier it gets. I have had more alcohol free days since joining MWO than in the previous 20 years. You have to stick at it otherwise its too easy to slip back into old ways. Lots of people here have struggled getting beyond the 5 days. One person who had a 5 day block for ages is now at 50 something days. Do whatever you can to get through the week-end. I found the AF Becks really helpful, it does not taste bad and it gets you over that initial craving. Good luck.

Rustop

[Eastender]

How can I make this time different?

Hi Jls10,
I can so relate to the number thing. Today I am 56 days AF after spending some considerable time at not getting past 5 days. I don't know why or what it was ,but as soon as I got to 5 days I gave myself permission to drink.
I kept reading and posting on here and one day after some bad failures someone said that it was just a number. I had to prove to myself that it was NOT going to beat me.
Like teaching your children,they don't always get it first,second,third....I could go on.
Eventually they will get it, as you will with perseverance,be patient with yourself as you would with a child. You will get there just do not give up trying.

Eastx

[Beck]

How can I make this time different?

Hi Jls10,

I can tell you that you sound like many of us. What can make it better this time is commitment. You need to set your goal and stick to it - no matter what the voice in your head tells you. The voice in your head is wrong - you don't deserve a drink - you deserve to NOT drink. Getting through that first weekend is critical. This is something you can do. It is hard but worth the effort.

Good Luck,
Beck

[Evie.Lou]

How can I make this time different?

Check out women for sobriety web site (there is a men for sobriety as well)I like them but LOVE these people here.Come join our FAMily and you will never feel alone in this again. You can do it , I know you can Blessings, EVIE

[caseaday]

How can I make this time different?

JLS,

The worst thing about AL is that it gradually makes your world smaller, and smaller and smaller. AL begins to chip away at the things that you liked to do and replaces them with a routine that is controlled and focused by him. I.e. Staying at home alone, reading alone, watching TV alone, watching your children but feeling alone. It's almost like he makes you numb and enable to engage in life.

It feels to me from your post that you really want to engage in a much bigger world. Your kids, family, friends and all of the happiness that goes along with that.

So...draw a line in the sand and determine the point in which you are going to start engaging again. I would suggest that you start here. It is a place where people understand your struggles and can help you move from where you are today to where you want to be in the future. You will see in a very short period of time that a new world has opened to you.

GO FOR IT...IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

[Peanut]

How can I make this time different?

Hey jls

It's like joining a club of samesies!!! I have practically the same story as you too!! We are all in this together. Just take it a day at a time, and use whatever resources available to you - but this forum is the best for putting your mind on the right path exactly when you need it. Almost every day I could cave in, but I come here, and a get just that little push I need to make it through another day! You will love it!
Peanut

[Dolly Sunshine]

How can I make this time different?

I agree with everyone. You sound like many of us. I isolated myself for years on weekends b/c I was either trashed or showing the effects of having been trashed. One thing I'd like to add is it sounds like you don't have much of a problem with withdrawls. Do yourself a favor and get a handle on the drinking before you do start to have problems detoxing. It's no walk in the park and I feel that alone causes many people to fail.

[jls10]

How can I make this time different?

Thank you all so much for the feedback. Everything rings so true to me. I have slowly isolated myself even though many of my friends and famiy just see it as me being so busy. Little do they know. Also, it is a great point that no, I do not suffer from withdrawl so much. Obviously when I'm hungover, I feel shaky, etc...but once I get through a hungover day AF, I feel great. I am grateful for that. I'm sure withdrawls make it so much harder.

An update, that I'm not proud of, but I'm going to take the good from it, learn from it and start a new day today. After work yesterday, for the first time in YEARS, literally, a co-worker suggested we go for a drink (and for a rare day, I did not have my kids that afternoon). I ignored it the suggestion, but then another suggested a pedicure. I jumped on that! A much better choice! So we all head over to the salon, but they are booked. We try another, still booked. So, of course, the next obvious suggestion: let's have a drink. Funny thing is...I rarely, except on special occassions or vacation, drink outside of the home. Mostly because my life revolves around my kids' activities, my job, and my home. So, I looked at it as a rare opportunity to bond with some women and I went. Had only one Corona, but I could feel my face get red and I wanted MORE. I came home, had a glass of iced tea, and went shopping as planned. After much debate, I bought a six pack of Corona and 2 limes, came home and drank them. After the fourth, knowing I only had two left, I began to feel desparate, because six beers is just not enough for me lately. When I was finished, I drank some water and got ready for bed. I felt tired, lazy, cranky, and kind of like- why did I even bother? It wasn't worth it.

Onto a new day. Thankfully, I am NOT the least but hungover. Unfortunately I'm beginning a new string of AF days, but I feel stronger after reading all of your respsonses and writing this update..sort of facing up to it and coming clean. I will be around much more often. I should have come on here last night, next time I feel that desire, I will. Maybe I will have a better result.

I am still amazed that I have allowed myself to get to a point where this is such a battle for me. At least I'm not alone.