Don't know what to say

[lukalee]

I really don't know what to say, but I feel like I need to type something right now. I have tried to commit to opening myself up, and I have not done very well lately, and I think that may be the cause for my slip ups this past week. I feel very empty inside right now; I don't know which came first, the binge or the emptiness. I am trying to rap my arms around this, but just can't seem to hold on. :upset:

Thanks for having a place where I can share, even when I'm not really saying much of anything.

[dexterhead]

Don't know what to say

Lukalee: You can share anything you want, or not share. We'll be here ..:l:l:l

[greeneyes]

Don't know what to say

Lukalee, I know how that feels. I can wrap my arms around you. We are all good people with a problem. Kick your arse up and try again. It's all about you, babe. You can do it!

[lukalee]

Don't know what to say

Thanks gals; it really means a lot to me. Aside from the nights that I have gone out to drink (yuck) I have pretty much isolated myself from family and friends. It's nice to know that I can come on here and read, write, get frustrated, and cry (and be happy too with adults. I need to get my ass out in the world and make me some sober friends.

[southernbelle47]

Don't know what to say

Lukalee

:l:l:l


Post away honey......or not.....It does help to get it all out and said though...
We're here .....

:hNancy

[Suzanna]

Don't know what to say

I was feeling alot like that last month, and I tend to isolate myself. Here it is Saturday night and I am alone again. If you feel things it is good to get them out:h in the open and here is a great place to do it. We are waiting here to help you through all of these feelings you have. This month is better for me... hopefully and surely in a while it will be better for you too, luckalee.

[lukalee]

Don't know what to say

May 17, 2008
I am the type of person who really hates confrontation. And the past 5 ? years I have been being a real wus about my ex owing child support. But I honestly don’t know what to do about it. He is there for the kids, and buys them whatever they need, so I don’t think he quite gets that I need to be able to buy them things too. They see their dad as Mr. Wonderful who is able to give them whatever they want (including vacations), and mom is the one buying crap toys from the dollar store and taking them to the local swimming pool.
I ended up going back to school to get my master’s, not because I was ready to pursue my higher education and take on new challenges, but because I needed the money from the student loans to survive. I graduated in January, so the extra income is now gone, I owe $70,000 in loans, and I am afraid I am going back to that place where my kids are actually thanking me for going to the grocery store and buying food.
I know in the scheme of things, my problems are very minute; there are people who are far worse off than I am. I will survive; I have for this long. It is really not about having to scrape by; most people I know have to at some point in their life, and sometimes always. It’s about doing the right thing, and in order for that to happen, I will have to get nasty. And I don’t want to do that because of the kids. They are the reason why I have been passive for so long. I feel like I am just “taking one for the team.” I will struggle and suffer through this so my kids don’t have to.
But I am finding that this has deeply affected my ability to become truly intimate with anyone else. My frustration levels are high, and I find that I cannot be passive in any way with men. I am controlling; I need things to be perfect. I need to feel protected- not taken care of (because I am way too independent for that and could never let a man take care of me), but protected in the way that makes me feel, at least for a little while, that nothing can hurt me; that time stands still with no worries.
I know that if this is the place where I truly want to be, I need to either step up and confront or finally accept my circumstances for what it is, make the most of it, and open up so I can love the way I want to love without holding back.

Sorry so long; I finding this is a part of the process to my sobriety.

[Beaches]

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Lukalee, thank you for being so honest and sharing. You really are on your way to sobriety and helping so many along the way.

[dexterhead]

Don't know what to say

Hi Luk. good for you for opening up. I can relate on one major level: money problems. My payments from my ex ended several months ago, so for the first time in many years, I am trying to live on my own quite pathetic income and worrying, worrying every day about money. It's demeaning ... my ex got the house .. I am a renter for life. I do think you need to get after your ex in some way, although I have no insight on that. thinking of you Luk:l:l

[CS04]

Don't know what to say

Luk,
Why is he not paying paying child support? It is mandated in most states. I know the $ does not help the emotional stuff, but it is part of the big picture. I would not want to compare my situation to yours, but I have a 17 year old stepson and an almost 2 year old son, so I DO hear your pain and frustration. Please continue to reach out.

Take care,
CS

[lukalee]

Don't know what to say

Beaches, I used to be so open and honest; I really want that back. And I really do hope it leads me down to complete sobriety. I have been trying to use my slips as a time for reflection; this has been so hard for me, but I'm trying.
Dexterhead, you have always been there for me; thank you so much.
CS, it is mandated by the state, but he so conveniently quit "real" work a month after the divorce. Although his girfriend's family is very wealthy, she does work full-time; I don't know how she puts up with that shit. I think it is because she has a full-time babysitter for her kids.
Right now, the only thing the state does is send letters stating that if he wins the lottery, I will be the first to get paid. LOL!! If he is entitled to a tax refund, I will get that, another LOL!!! The one good thing is that he cannot get a passport, so he cannot take his all paid vacation to Costa Rica every year.
I could probably cause a ruckus and have him thrown in jail, but I just don't think that would go to well.

[Miss Behaving]

Don't know what to say

Lukalee - that was such a great opening up and my heart is with you.

I wonder whether you really feel that you have to get nasty, because it sounds like you relaly dont want to. But I think you have an absolute right to stand up for your rights (and your children's). I have no idea what the laws are in the US, but are their neighbourhood legal advice centres or something like that where you can talk to someone? I believe that you can still stand up for yourself while still acting with integrity and in a way which is in line with your values.

I have been in a similar situation in the past (although not with kids thank god) and rolled over and played dead and told myself that I didn't really care that he had got everything and I was left with nothing. but it was the root of a whole lot of resentment that I carried around for many years ....... and was the start of my drinking and isolating myself from lots of people.

I heard something really great once, about how important it is to look after yourself well in order to be emotionally available to nurture kids. It used the analogy of emergency procedures on planes where they have that line about oxygen masks appearing in front of you is needed. The line they have is ""If you are travelling with children, attend to your own needs first". There is a reason why they say that.

thinking of you and hope you go from strength to strength!

[Dolly Sunshine]

Don't know what to say

Now that you have graduated have you been looking for a better job to apply your education? I understand the being passive with the ex for the kid thing. I've been doing it for years and listening to him bitch about money while he takes them to Disney every year. Just keep your head up and better yourself.

[Kiri]

Don't know what to say

I live in California and recently got a divorce. As I understand it in these matters the spouse cannot just up and quit their job in order to not pay spousal or child support at least in Ca. I don't know how it works elsewhere. Furthermore it is not being "nasty" to request the court to enforce its judgement. You are raising the children and he is living in luxury. The children will ultimately realize the injustice of this. Hold your head high, don't use this as an excuse to drink. that only makes the entire matter more confusing and you feel evan more guilty asking for what is due you. Make lemonade but do not let anyone tell you (including yourself) that you are being nasty, selfish or a bi**h for getting what you need here. Good luck
K

[Rusty-576]

Don't know what to say

Luk
I am too a single mom and I know the feeling that you are feeling right now but remember Your children will remember the time you spend with them even if it is only the swimming pool be kind to yourself. All of this is part of being sober, the feeling are intense but remember one day at a time