hi - i'm new and scared....

[bernadette]

hello everyone,

i don't want to make this a life history, but i'll get to the basics as i really need some help. i have a broken cervical fusion (surgery gone awry and can't be fixed by surgery - too dangerous) and have been in pain management for 10 years (low doses of time released morphine and xanax - never escalated my dose in all that time). years before that occured, i lived with an alcoholic and drank pretty heavily and quit one day....for 15 years. i left him a few years after i stopped drinking. then, before the spinal cord surgery i started drinking a few beers a day, and stayed at that level (even with the meds for several years).

in the last three years some life incidents have been hard to take and my drinking escalated. for about 2-3 years i have been drinking approx a pint of wild turkey a day. it gradually started from a few shots of jack daniels to several shots then shots of wild turkey to the pint a day (a bit less than a pint actually).

i want and need to stop the alcohol. a few things concern me. one, NO ONE knows that i drink this heavily. my fiance with whom i live, my friends, my doctors, NO ONE, and i want to keep it that way. everyone thinks i have one beer a night which is what i do in plain sight and then sneak to my stash for 7 or 8 shots of w.t. usually during the hours of 4:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. some days i wait till 6:00, some days i start at 2:30 - just depending on my "need."

i have called a few detox centers and hospitals but no one will do alcohol detox and allow me to continue my pain management meds (i would have to detox from everything at once and then not be allowed to go back on the pain meds becuase i was so stupid to get myself in this position), SO, i am going to do this myself. (i'd have to tell people anyway if i were to go into a detox center) i've started taking most of the supplements i've read online here, and i'm going to taper off of the alcohol.

i do NOT want to have seizures, dt's, hallucinations, strokes, heart attacks, or any of that scary stuff. i have enough physical problem being in pain all the time and having poor motor function from the spinal cord issue. i don't think i should try the topamax because of the pain meds and possible interaction - bad enough i'm drinking this much).

i know no one can really "advise" me, but can you give me an idea of how much per day to cut back so no scary things happen to me? how much per day and for how long at each level?

i am supposed to go on a road trip the first week in july and i would really like to be free of this burden, but if that is too fast i can work around that...

any suggestions for me?

thank you in advance. you all seem so kind and caring and supportive. i'm so glad i found this place.

bernadette

[tlrgs]

hi - i'm new and scared....

hi there..brenadette..welcome and so nice to meet you ..i really dont know anything about the meds but . as for quiting drink i did it cold turkey it hard but doable . with you being on all that pain meds it hard to say. what would be good for you and if you are going to weing yourself off of al . just do it one hour at a time and go from there. you can do this . if you really want to .but its all up to you .
peace and god bless

[greeneyes]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Hello Bernadette and welcome.

First my disclaimer. I am not an MD. I understand about the cervical fusion. Have you considered acupuncture or magnets for pain management?

I don't know where you are but there are confidential places that will cost you an arm and a leg but it's your life we are talking about. Have your read the book, listened to the CDs, take the supps and kudzu? Kick it up a notch and theres the topamax or campral that you can get from River Pharmacy which is on this site as a link. Privately.

If you want to wean, monitor our dosage of AL closely. Write it down. Measure your shots and gradually reduce day by day. Journal your progress and read it daily.

And people know. They are just polite.

Good luck. There is lost of info here to help you.

[KateH1]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Hi Bernadetter and Welcome to MWO. So sorry to hear about your constant pain. I know this is not easy to live with. We are here to support you in any way that we can and we are happy to do so. But, your situation is quite complicated given the heavy pain meds and the alcohol. You should definitely talk to your doctor.Your doctor can help you with the issue of narcotics (morphine for pain) and alcohol. This is a very dangerous combination. Please see your doctor right away. A treatment centers approach to this is quite different than a medical appoach. In the meantime, hang out, read and keep posting, it really does help!

Best Wishes,
Kate

[Finding My Self]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Bernadette - I just want to say welcome..... and we were all scared...and you can get past that and not feel scared any more. Honest.

Good luck to you. Greeneyes has some good advice there... Just remember, you ARE worth sticking to your reduced, monitored dosage.....come here for help with the wanting to have more....until you don't. (But keep coming!)

Love FMS x

[caseaday]

hi - i'm new and scared....

When I decided to go AF I did it cold turkey even though it is more painful in the short-term and there are some small risks of seizures. I was drinking 24 beers a day for a very long period of time. I just wanted to get my three days of hell out of the way and start feeling better as soon as possible. By day four the shakes, tremors and headaches began to diminish significantly.

If you do choose to reduce over time PLEASE make sure you take greeneyes advice and very carefully monitor every drop. I tried it numerous times and found it didn't work for me because I would play mind games with myself along the way and actually begin to drink more. It sounds crazy but many other people have had similar issues when reducing.

I am sure that you will find the right path. In addition, make sure you read a lot hear, learn as much as you can and post often. This is a great place to be...

[dexterhead]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Hi Bernadette and :welcome:! sorry you are feeling so trapped and scared. I really think it would be best to talk to a doc ... pay someone out of pocket if you are afraid of it going on your record. They can assist you with safer detox .. I think they often prescribe Librium? Hopefully others will have more info ... in any case, please keep in touch .. there are people here who have dealt with a wide spectrum of addiction.

[greeneyes]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Dex, there won't be a prescription without ID. You can do alternative tx anon but not the med route.

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

thank you all so much - all good advice. i am going to try the taper - i guess i'll just be able to tell if i am going slow enough by how i feel; i realize there are no hard and fast rules. oh yes, i have had accupuncture, botox shots, electrical stimulation, magnet bed, magnet pads, vitamin supplementation for pain, hypnosis, accupressure, physical therapy, trigger point injections, massage, meditation, yoga, prayer, and the morphine is the only thing that reduces the pain enough for me to want to live.

i'll keep you posted on how it goes. has anyone heard of "rational recovery?" i just visited that website but it doesn't take into account any detox issues. and basically, you stop right now forever and realize that anytime you want to drink it is a certain part of your brain (pleasure center that wants more) that he calls the "beast" trying to get you to do it, and with recognition of that fact it can be an easy process to stop drinking.

still, i need to get to the point where i can stop safely.

thanks again so much.

..b..

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

oh greeneyes, thank you and i just wanted to say i really don't think anyone knows. my "one" beer got warm last night halfway through and i dumped it down the sink, and my s.o. said "don't feel like drinking tonight?" i explained it was too warm which it was. if i wasn't such a good actress i probably would have gotten help sooner. i just would feel awful to fess up to him now after hiding it for so long - and that is very motivating, plus it's not enjoyable - for the last 6 months, i feel like i'm just drinking to stop withdrawals. also, i want to believe that since i was able to do it before, i can do it again. when i stopped for those 15 years i did it cold turkey but i was much younger and didn't have medical issues.

thanks again, talk later....

..b..

[Chyrsa]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Dear Bernadette,
I have a different take on this. But it is just that..a different take...you need to find your one way... and I really think that you will..

1st..I know about chronic pain..severe migraines for yrs & heavy pain medsjust to get through life...
2nd..if you were drinking 1-2 beers a night along w/ the morphine that was great..

3..give yourself a break here....nobody here (or very few on these boards) & even a lot of the medical community know what it is like to live in severe chronic pain...

4...as we age or just proceed through our life all of our chemistry & of course our pain thresholds, etc change...Again,.give yourself a break

5 OK...1 pint a night...for a ..I think you said 2-3 yrs...My brother drank that for many years to deal simply with anxiety, stress, etc...when he guit ..he did not have withdrawal...and I do not think you would have seizures or withdrawal either...please this iis my non=medicalopinion...
6 So here is my feeble suggestion...go to your doctor and tell him/her the situation. They know about chronic pain..what has happened is totally understandable medically...

Whether you are an official alcoholic or not is not the issue here...just tell the drs that you want to taper off the whiskey but feel you may need some supplemental pain medicine while you do this....that makes perfect sense...

If they are not caring ..then go to another doctor..you have a valid medical history..

I totally understand your fear of more pain and the medical community should also..

Don't do this alone...this site was started for healthy, moderately alcoholic women...This site will certainly be of aid & comfort I am sure...but professional mecial advice is just that ..as you know..

Peace to You
{{{SummerAir}}}}

[Chyrsa]

hi - i'm new and scared....

a couple more ideas..for wat they are worth..grains of sand..

I agree 150% or more about taking topamax..don't do it....you may not be able to function..I barely could...plus as you know you have a unique nervous system...

What about tapering off with wine...something sweet, tangy....

Again..best idea is talk with MD...

do you have hangovers? how is your liver? if answer is "NO" & "fine"...my personal observation is that you will not have seizures...but again..talk to MD, a pain MD

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

summeraire, you had me in tears. i'm sorry for the physical pain you experience and all the physical and emotional pain of everyone everywhere.

i really resonate with what you said and i'm going to tell my pain doctor in june when i see him. i have not asked for an increase in pain med dosage in 10 years which is unprecedented in chronic pain management - i didn't want to seem a drug seeker and i didn't want to escalate my dosage too high too fast and have nowhere to go in 3,4,5, 10 years. so, maybe this whiskey thing is just a way to cope with the pain. i quit smoking cigarettes (with hypnosis - cold turkey) a year and a half ago and that was when my drinking escalated to this point - i used the "ciggy break" as an escape from pain as well. i feel very relieved to have read your post.

my ex (the alcoholic) died of complications of chirrosis, an upper gi bleed. he had been dead for 4-5 days when i found him. it looked like a homicide scene - i think that had an effect on me as well (and he blamed his disease on the fact that i left him causing him to escalate ) - i was at a few beers a day at that time after complete abstinance for 15 years and i think i started escalating a bit then, too.

i'm happy that your brother did so well.

i recently asked for a blood ammonia level, a liver panel, etc. complete CBC, (which needs to be monitored in pain management with meds anyway) in a way hoping they would show something and that would "scare" me into stopping - everything was fine. i do have some right upper GI pain, but i don't have any hardening of the liver from palpation (i have gallstones which my doc says is causing the pain), no ascites (my ex was huge from such), no pitting edema. it's almost a miracle i don't have anything tangible/testible, BUT, as i'm sure you know, a person can have hepatic dysfunction/chirrosis/fatty liver way before anything shows up on tests, so i don't think i am home free for sure.

i did just read some good stuff on harm reduction, where you don't become abstinent immediately, but do behaviours daily that lessen harm to yourself. even after finding this site, today, at this time of night i've had less to drink by now than i have in perhaps a year.

will be interesting to see how i feel tomorrow. thank you for your input. it means the world to me and i thank you and everyone for your support and compassion.

..b..

[lucky 2.0]

hi - i'm new and scared....

bernadette,

Don't forget Calmes Forte. You can buy it @ the grocery store or health food store. It is homeopathic and some detox centers use it during withdrawal periods. Research it first, but I think it must be ok for the liver.

I wish you well.

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

thank you lucky,

yes, i do know calms forte, but didn't know that it was used medically. sad thing is, i have an extensive background in medicine, herbalism, health, nutrition, and still i got in this predicament.

thank you. i actually forgot about calms forte in my panic over this situation. i'm getting some tomorrow. i do not believe there are any liver issues, or med contraindications.

..b.. (you all are so great. i really feel better already. i hope this isn't temporary euphoria. time will tell, right?)