hi - i'm new and scared....

[dexterhead]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Bernadette: I think Summer Air's advice sounds wonderful. just want to let you know we are rooting for you :l:l

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

thanks dex/head,

gee, i wish i had a lot of energy and time to learn about each and every one of you who responded to me. the how's/why's and wherefore's of your individual situations. how you got into this and how you got out. i've never been into "support" - when i drank "before" and when i became a chronic pain patient. not even when i was in the service, was raped and beaten by a military policeman (had multiple surgeries as a result), in my youth, and later had the option for support "groups" for PTSD - i have a really long history of serious trauma and have this strong sense of trying to go it alone. i guess i'm like my mom; she contracted aids from my stepdad (as a result of his open heart surgery one month before transfused blood was being tested for aids). even after he died she continued to relate that he died as a result of complications from the surgery and when she was tested HIV positive still would not admit it, nor ask for help - she was involved in a religion that across the board thought aids was a "sin" so she didn't even tell any family members until she had about a year left on earth.

well, sorry to go on and on about all the drama/trauma, but i feel some sort of need to express myself as i've kept my drinking habits to myself for so long.

thanks for being here everyone. i hope i don't drive you crazy as i go through the withdrawal process. still doing better ounce per ounce than i usually do.

thank you,

..b..
"

[tawnyfrog]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Bernadette - you'd be surprised at how many of us weren't into "support". I think for a lot of us, this was our first experience with any sort of "on-line" forum.

I just want to add my welcome to you.

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

thank you frog, that's good to know. i wonder why some people are not "into" support. i think for me it was a "learned" behaviour with both parents being martyrs.

but all of a sudden i find that telling my story is cathartic. i hope it's acceptable and not boring. at 10, i was sexually molested by a family member, at 13 found my mom near death from an attempted suicide for which she blamed me, i saved her and we never discussed it even on her death bed from aids, and as i mentioned before my ex blamed me for his disease, and impending and ultimate death from chirrosis.

but i've always been of the mind that past trauma shouldn't be a precursor for present addictions, if one is STRONG. and that we are in complete control and responsible for our actions daily, despite our past traumas, of which i'm sure everyone has. and now i'm so tired. i did good today. still below my "average" limit.

thank you all for being there and for listening and responding and giving support.

goodnight,

..b..

[Kiri]

hi - i'm new and scared....

I have read a lot and tried Rational recovery but it was missing something and this MWO seems to have what RR is missing- a multilateral scientific based approach to abstinence (for me at least) or moderation for those who so choose. For most young relatively healthy people detox is not that difficult physically. I have done it many a time. If you are old, fragile or have a history of malnutrition, DTs seizures, head injuries or have been drinking more than a quart of hard liquor per day for a month you are more likely to have serious withdrawal symptoms and should be monitored closely. I wonder why you are being told you may not take prescription meds as prescribed for chronic pain if you are not abusing them. Maybe you need to check out a different rehab model if that is your goal. I also wonder if you may be able to discuss your situation openly with a physician familiar with these issues who may be willing to check out your vital signs and lab early in your detox phase to be able to reassure you that you will be OK. I think you are on the right path and the sooner you get alcohol out of the mix the sooner you will be able to handle this admittedly difficult situation you are in. Good luck and keep us posted
Kiri

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

kiri - thank you for your respojs...

it seems that the general consensus in "traditional" rehab/detox is that "ALL" substances are bad/evil, even if medically necessary. and that is why, with your response as well as summer air's am going to approach my pain management doctor at my next appointment in june regarding my alcohol ingestion. he has openly admired me for not asking for, nor escalating on my own, my pain dosage, which (his admiration) has also kept me from admitting i need a higher level of pain control.

in talking to y'all and getting your responses, i feel more confident in approaching him in what i have been covertly doing as far as self-medication and i will let the chips fall where there may.

you ALL have been an incredible source of information and comfort to me.

thank you and blessings upon you....:-)

..b..

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

p.s. for kiri,

by today's standards i am elderly - being 58 years old. but i've not had a history of bad withdrawals, seizures, or the like as you mentioined. i do have spinal cord injuries and failed surgeries but i don't think they come into the mix. i do believe i am at risk from the combo of morphine and almost a pint a day of 100 proof alcohol for a few years.

i would be thrilled to find a center/program that allows me to stay on meds for chronic pain (and my adherence to schedule over 10 years has been validated by random ua's which is common in pain management) - i have a strong suspiciion that my pain management doc will be supportivel i've just been afraid he wouldn't be and "ashamed" and guilty for self-medicating .. i will let all of you know the consensus after my appointment with him in june.

i admire all of you so much for your status and relationship with your substance of choice (i assume alcohol). i can't wait to be where you are....clean/sober and helping other people.

i think i love you....:-)

..b..

[fresh-start-at-36]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Hi Bernadette

Hi Bernadette,

welcome aboard. You are certainly in the right place.

Personally, quitting AL has been relatively easy in comparison to getting off pain meds. You name it I was on it.

After many failed attempts to mod, I decided it best to go totally AF.

The first 5 or 6 days were the hardest for me. I was probably drinking a couple of bottles of wine, a few beers and a small amount of spirits a day when I gave up.

I found that I was really craving the sugar/carb hit on my palate. I therefore had plenty of sweet non al drinks at my disposal. This really helped me.

We are all so different, so I think a lot of it is "suck it and see" so to speak.

All I can say is there is no feeling that compares to being alcohol free.

Good luck with whatever you decide is the best way for you.

Warm Regards

Brett.

[gabby1go]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Bernadette,

I can't say more than others have here.

Be careful because you have a combination of meds/al that may send your body into a tailspin if you stop cold-turkey.

Because of this I would suggest being under a doctor's care while you detox. It may not be the "happiest" road but it will be the safest.

Also, on another note, not knowing enough about your injury, there may be other treatment alternatives. Just a thought.

Best of luck,

Gabby

[voices]

hi - i'm new and scared....

My thoughts are with you!

Hi Bernadette,

I am in sort of the same boat as you but in reverse order. I broke my back 8 months ago and have been on OxyContin for the past 4 months. Prior to that I had finally quit drinking after many, many failed attempts. MWO was my savior!

I've had to have my OC dose changed but I think their is a weird thing with this addictive behavior; I started to drink again. I started taking the Topamax again (my dr prescribes all my meds and monitors everything - I quit taking it after I quit drinking for 3 mos). I have hep C to boot so recently had a liver biopsy. After drinking so heavily for almost 20 years, I slowly cut back and if you buy the pint bottles, maybe you should just get the little "airport" size ones so you won't be tempted to have more. That is what I am doing to get off the AL. My goal is the end of this week. You probably need to have your pain meds increased and you have been compensating with the Wild T. Also, I have high anxiety so I also take Lexapro and valium as needed (I think you said that you take Xanax which is about the same). I was a very happy camper when I wasn't drinking and didn't have my back issues. Pain mgmt is hard for me since it has limited what I can and cannot do.

As for REBT, I also belong to the SMART Recovery?. I joined that site in 2003 when I was seeking help with my alcohol problem. They have some opiate boards with some smart people that may be able to help answer some question regarding the pain meds. I just want to quit drinking, find a solution with my pain and move on.

Like you, I've tried the acupuncture, heated rocks, herbs, ect. I hate taking opiates (I don't get "high" off them). With my hep C they mentioned putting me on methodone. Yikes...I said no. I hope you are doing well, and want you to know that you are not alone. Feel free to PM me if you want.

-V

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

hey voices,

sorry to hear all that. we really do have similar situations. (really sorry about the hep c - i just got tested for that as well and it was negative). it's true that pain meds don't make you high if you are in pain - they stifle the pain rather than going to the pleasure centers - mine don't make me high whatsoever probably one reason i haven't increased my dose in the 10 years of pain management.

i hope you achieve your goal of one week. i can't WAIT to get this crap out of my system, but i have to do it slowly and scientifically - just wish i knew how fast or slow to go. i'm thinking of decreasing by 1/4 ounce every two days. i measured accurately and kept a journal as was suggested to me and i'll do that again every day until this nightmare is over. i drank less than usual yesterday ( by about 2 ounces by the end of the night) - probably cuz this is the first time i've told a living soul and finding people who "get it" really helps. i do have a horrid headache today, but that also could be from the pollen in the air. it's really thick this time of year.

10 years ago i started on oxycontin and then after two years my insurance refused to pay for it, so my doc put me on methadone and i HATED it, then went to the morphine. oxycontin worked so much better. hmm, probably another reason i went for the alcohol. there are a lot of people who think methadone is a great pain med.

thank you for the link to smart recovery. i'm going to check them out right now.

good luck, talk later,

..b..

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

thank you fresh for your input. and congratulations on being free! i can't wait to be there myself.

..b..

[Tri-it]

hi - i'm new and scared....

B, I didn't read all of the posts, so you may have heard this already. But since I read your entry, I've been thinking about your situation. I found a D/A counselor who referred me to a recovery friendly / familiar family physician. This was months ago. He had originally prescribed Librium and Campral. I floundered around for a while, but as I have become more motivated, gotten more active in my own recovery, I decided to call him today. I was motivated by your post b/c I was going to suggest that you find an informed GP. Well, he gave me new scripts, including something to help me sleep. It is helping so much with my withdrawal. I would really try to find someone that has the ability to work with you to help you through the maze of dealing with your pain and your addiction. They are out there. GOOD LUCK with whatever you do. -Matt

[bernadette]

hi - i'm new and scared....

thank you matt,

good luck and i'm happy that you are doing well with the new scripts.

i have decided that if my taper isn't working by june 11 when i see my pain doc, i'll fess up to him about my problem. so far, i'm on my 3rd day of taper - i'm systematically decreasing the alcohol, measuring every drop and time, and writing it down. if by then, i'm not free, or getting sick, i'll show him my journal and the fact that i tried so hard. i'm just afraid he is going to be really upset with me for introducing alcohol into my pain management and dismiss me as a patient - although we really have a good relationship and i've been 100% complaint with my meds and pain contract for 10 years. hopefully, he will understand, but i'm hoping to be free of this problem by then.

thank you again.

..b..

[Kiri]

hi - i'm new and scared....

Bernadette, I am pretty sure that if you feel OK you can taper more quickly than 1/4 ounce every few days. after all the typical medical detox in hospital is only 3 days or so before the patient is cleared. I imagine you can cut your drink in half each day for 3-4 days then stop entirely. you will have some discomfort and if you are quite shaky you should seek help but if you feel OK don't delay your detox. Eat well, drink lots of fluids, tell someone you trust what you are up to and self monitor. You are responsible for yourself and generally if you feel OK you are OK. Good luck and "get goin". You are going to feel much better and I suspect your pain level will actually diminish once you are off the sauce.
Kiri