V:
I write this new topic because I hope YOU ARE NOT THE DEAD HORSE. Below is only a copy of what I responded to the original post. forgive my redundance..... but this is SERIOUS. In my oppion/experience there are more safety issues than drinking alone - b/c I felt it is SO IMPORTANT...I played it safe and started a new topic:..... here goes following your post:
"he is definitely worth the effort; aren't we all?" yes we all are. but we have to be 50% of our own rescue - I think that is what everyone is trying to tell you. none of us are here expecting that someone can do the whole thing for us. maybe in the back of our minds we have a secret hope - but it is a PART of helping ourselves. For ME - if i want to drink - i sit here first and write - even if at times it is just discombobulated sounding - it is reaching out. i think what others are saying is that J isn't reaching out or even have acknowledged he has a sincere problem.
As you, I am also highly educated and successful: no one took a test for me and no one enrolled me, no one paid for it. nor wrote one word of my thesis...although i DREAMED someone to do it for me. BUT actually not - because had i not done it myself - i would not really have done it: it would not hold the same value.
i think you are still sorting through and grieving the loss of your husband. but how are you robbing yourself and your child of quality by working with J who 'seems' to not want to help himself...he has no reason to. also, professionally, the latest behavior he exibits will only escate to push the boundaries of destruction and pain: that is th echange he will statistically bring. you can love someone and support them: you have offered him so many options. you HAVE been there for him; but he has to be 50% of that. If he is not ...you are beating a dead horse, by your own admission.
PLEASE do not put yourself at further risk as this situation seems to escalate - don't let all your hard work and other responsibilities be engulfed in a situation you intelligently realize isn't going to get better. In AA lingo (not an AA member): If noting changes ...nothing changes. And the best thing you can probably do for him is to force change on him - something significant has to happen to change the situation. That might be throwing him out on the steps of a treatment center.... and God forbid the change doesn't come from the police b/c of some horrific and irreversible event in your home. You already stated you wre going to leave him in the dust when you have the wonderful Dr. before your name. So why delay that? At least you'll be arround if he is in a facility he will probably need (from my reading of his habits), There is "tough love" - you can still love him and suport him - just not in what his delusional ideal would be - later he will understand, when he is clean.
I know everything writen by others is out of love and concern. Everyone here IS looking out for you. YOU also have to be 50% of your own rescue.
My love, El
I write this new topic because I hope YOU ARE NOT THE DEAD HORSE. Below is only a copy of what I responded to the original post. forgive my redundance..... but this is SERIOUS. In my oppion/experience there are more safety issues than drinking alone - b/c I felt it is SO IMPORTANT...I played it safe and started a new topic:..... here goes following your post:
"he is definitely worth the effort; aren't we all?" yes we all are. but we have to be 50% of our own rescue - I think that is what everyone is trying to tell you. none of us are here expecting that someone can do the whole thing for us. maybe in the back of our minds we have a secret hope - but it is a PART of helping ourselves. For ME - if i want to drink - i sit here first and write - even if at times it is just discombobulated sounding - it is reaching out. i think what others are saying is that J isn't reaching out or even have acknowledged he has a sincere problem.
As you, I am also highly educated and successful: no one took a test for me and no one enrolled me, no one paid for it. nor wrote one word of my thesis...although i DREAMED someone to do it for me. BUT actually not - because had i not done it myself - i would not really have done it: it would not hold the same value.
i think you are still sorting through and grieving the loss of your husband. but how are you robbing yourself and your child of quality by working with J who 'seems' to not want to help himself...he has no reason to. also, professionally, the latest behavior he exibits will only escate to push the boundaries of destruction and pain: that is th echange he will statistically bring. you can love someone and support them: you have offered him so many options. you HAVE been there for him; but he has to be 50% of that. If he is not ...you are beating a dead horse, by your own admission.
PLEASE do not put yourself at further risk as this situation seems to escalate - don't let all your hard work and other responsibilities be engulfed in a situation you intelligently realize isn't going to get better. In AA lingo (not an AA member): If noting changes ...nothing changes. And the best thing you can probably do for him is to force change on him - something significant has to happen to change the situation. That might be throwing him out on the steps of a treatment center.... and God forbid the change doesn't come from the police b/c of some horrific and irreversible event in your home. You already stated you wre going to leave him in the dust when you have the wonderful Dr. before your name. So why delay that? At least you'll be arround if he is in a facility he will probably need (from my reading of his habits), There is "tough love" - you can still love him and suport him - just not in what his delusional ideal would be - later he will understand, when he is clean.
I know everything writen by others is out of love and concern. Everyone here IS looking out for you. YOU also have to be 50% of your own rescue.
My love, El
Comment