19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

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My name is Amber and I am a college freshman in Colorado. My mother has been an alcoholic since I can remember. She recently checked herself in at a local hospital and started attending AA meetings and support groups but as soon as she "graduated" she returned to her same life almost immediatly. My family and I were convinced that she was cured but we were wrong. About a month ago, the drinking returned but this time twice as bad as before. Being a psychology major I have learned that the average recovering alcoholic relapses once or twice after the help. But to me personally I believe that if she continues in this path she will not be alive in the next 12 months. Her drinking is so bad that I find myself coming home every night scared as to what I will find. In some cases I have came home to her passed out, leaving lit cigerettes around the house, falling very hard into the wall and not recalling this in the morning. I guess the reason I came her was because I have tried everything. I need someones advice, preferably a recovering acoholic. I am desperate and extremely scared. No matter what I seem to do or say it doesn't work. I love my mother and I can't stand to see her like this once again. We have told her repeatedly how we feel and it seems to have no effect on her AT ALL! I have tried to make her feel guilty, I have tried to be her friend I have even gone to the point of researching this disease to educate her. I want a mother-daughter relationship that so many people have. I really feel as if I don't have a mother that I can depend on. Im scared that she will not be around for the important things that make living life worth while; like my wedding, her grandchildren etc. So if anyone can offer me some advice I would sincerly appreciate it. Thanks for listening....amber

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19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

Oh My Gosh... I cannot even imagine what you must be going through! But I admire you more than you know for standing with your mom through all of this. I am amazed that you are not mad as hell at her! But I am sure you have probably gone through plenty of that too. I wish I knew exactly what to tell you.

I too struggle with a drinking problem, but not near that bad. It is in fact my daughter, who is almost 16, who has made me want to change so bad. I cant stand the example that I have set for her. She has only seen me drunk a few times, but I have felt so horribly guilty because she will not speak to me for several days afterwards, and I feel like she has lost all respect for me. The last episode was about three weeks ago, and she saw me trip and fall, and so did my husband and 8 year old son. I hardly remembered the next morning, and my husband told me if it EVER happened again, I would have to leave. Well believe me, that scared me to death. I was so ashamed of myself that I left for the entire day and just went and parked and sat in the car and cried. I was too ashamed to come home. When I finally did, I got online and found this website. It has been a lifesaver. I have not completely quit drinking, but I have cut WAY, WAY back. I have ordered the program.

Please research this program... from what you will learn, AA does not work for a lot of people. Many people cannot deal with just quitting cold turkey, and then being condemned if they every "slip up" or have a set back. There is so much encouragement and love here, even when we blow it at times. I think your mother would find that here. Please go and read the posts if you havent all ready. If you could just get her on this site and to read the posts, when she is sober, I think she would probably find for the first time, that she would be surrounded by women who would not judge her, but would commit to help her as best we could. The medications here, the Topamax, really do work to make you NOT WANT TO DRINK, which is amazing.

If you want, just get registered just so you can get support from us. If nothing else, I will stay in contact with you and you can email me privately to my EZ box email, so it will not be on the public post. Whatever you choose, my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the luck in the world, because you deserve it sweetie! Please post back!!

Allie

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19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

HELP ! re:Mother

You sound like you're doing everything you can. My Mother was also an alcoholic. Nothing will change until your Mother really wants it to change for good. I am a recovering alcoholic and still fall from time to time. It is a brutal existance and I will say a prayer for you and your Mother. All you can really do at this point is be there for her. It really is in her and God's hands. Best of luck, and bless you for being a caring daughter.

rem

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19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

Amber,

My heart broke as I read your letter. I quit drinking not just for myself; but, for my children as well. I had nightmares that my daughter would grow up w/ an alcoholic mother that was out of control. Like the previous post stated...only your Mother can help herself. You can help by either 1) continue being supportive or 2) removing her from your life all together. As a Mother, I would recommend the first option. When your Mother attended AA did she get a sponcer or anyone's phone numbers? More than likely she did. Find out and call them if possible and explain your situation. They WANT to help. They will not look upon her harshly for relasping. If there are no phone numbers, call the location where she attended and ask to speak w/ another woman. They are there to help. Also, you can research a medication called Campral for your Mother. I take it and it totally removed all phy. cravings w/i one week. It's for total abstinence, your Mother must understand this. Your Mother will need help and support for her "mental" cravings. Thats where a support system comes into play...hence, MWO and/or AA. I do both. I rarely post on these boards, but I still come and read. I get alot of insight here. For me, person to person works best. There is an accountability factor when you have another person by your physical side that promotes true abstinence....if that's what your goal is. Also, please look in your phone book for Al-a-non. There will be much support for YOU there. I will keep you and your Mother in my prayers...please keep us posted.
Stac

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19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

Amber - my heart truly breaks for you. You sound like a really strong woman. I yound like my son's age. When he was 2 1/2 I quit drinking for him. I HATED tht I would put him in his high chair with some cereal by the TV so I could 'recover' from my hang over. His father was also badly alcoholic and so much trauma happened. At that time - I just wanted to do it for my son. I quit drinking for 17 years. There were so many wonderful times!. At that time I went the AA route and it worked and was wonderful - but soon I realized it made me feel worse in many ways - I didn't drink but after a few years dropped the hard line AA. I am so glad didn't expose him to a drunken mother while he went through school and college. Actually - it wasn't until college that i began drinking again occasionally. As he is older now he will tell me "Mom, you are living pretty HARD". He is right. Amber from my own expereince - I know that the desire to stop drinking will never go unless thre is pain involved...something you just can't let go of. Pain is a powerfl motivator. This works for some - but for others a FEW others - there is such a powerful grip fromteh etoh, they can't quit and never do.
Can you call the treatment center where she was ans ask for advice and strategy? Have you done an intervention? It is one of those things that by removing yourself it could give her some incentive or it can go the other way. She has to want to do it for herself...have someting to look forward to and feel a part of. There are some "RAPID DETOX" centers she can get into and beon a program of Naltrexone. If you email me with any interest in this I can give you more information. You too will be in my prayers tonight. You are surely in need of some loving and healing hands around you. If you pray for comfort and contact God in your mind....it is like noting you will ever expereince. Ask for guidance. And you will one day know exactly how to approach this for yourself. I think yuo can email me through this site - if not write back and I will give yu my private email.
With BIG LOVE, El

[Guest]

19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

Hi Amber,
I also live in colorado just to start. Also you know the drill of people who have serious drinking problems and the effects of alcohol and so does your mother. You had said that your mom has been in AA twice and unforunatley she has to make that decsion her self to get the help she needs. Some how you probally should seek a counsler for addictions because there is someting deeply rooted in her to be this way and counseling will help her to figure out why she is in self destruct mode. All you can do is be a shoulder for her to cry on, help to give her the strength and the courage to do so. For her self and her self only. The reason can't be any conditions or guilt. Just for her. And just remember by being understanding with her without enabling her will do more than you will ever know. As hard as it will be just remember that she has a problem and loving her will help. Depending where in colorado you are. In colorado Springs there is Pikes Peak Mental Health (719)573-1723 24 hr # or (719)630-7362 (719 )572-6330 or cedar springs 633-4114. Colorado Counseling (719)444-0250 I hope this will help and be strong it will all work out for you

[Guest]

19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

Hi Amber,
I have direct experience of watching my loved ones struggling with addiction.. and feeling frustration, grief and anger at them for not WANTING to stop. In my teenage years I watched two of my brothers go through that and one of them died of it. I spent the next few years terrified I would come home from work one day to find the other one dead on the floor. Thankfully he recovered.
I stumbled upon this website by accident and one of the things that really inspired me is that Roberta, the author of the "My Way Out" book was an older woman who found her own cure.. and she did not have to take an "all-or-nothing" approach. She did it HER WAY! That is tremedously empowering and everyone on this website is also DOING IT THEIR OWN WAY!! It has restored my self respect.
I think many people who have been through AA have felt traumatised by failing in the "all-or-nothing" approach when they have relapsed. Roberta approaches it as a serious health problem on a mental, nutritional and medical level. Perhaps if you are able to read the book and talk about how different the approach is with your mother, also read the posts and talk to her about the support and self-empowerment she can find here, she may become interested? I know there are quite a few people posting here who are not abstinent - that is not a requirement. Many people begin posting while drinking. Also anyone relapsing from their goal, whether it be moderation or abstinance, is never shamed or persecuted. All your mother would find here are understanding, friends, love, laughter and support.
That has been my experience.
I will be thinking of you and your mother and wishing you all the luck in the world with getting her to come and see the website.
God Bless,
MFM

[Guest]

19 year old - mother is an extreme alcoholic - HELP!!

I just want to thank all of you who responded so quickly! All the thoughtful things said have truly benefited my attitude towards this whole situation. My love goes out to all of you who have experienced so much pain as well, you all seem so strong and it helps me tremdously... I also will be here for anyone who needs a friend or just someone to talk to. Thank you once again and God Bless...