:new:
So, I'm 38 years old. I've been drinking every day (save for a few 5 day stints away from it over the past year and a half) for about 8 years. I drink beers and every time I open a beer I have a GULP of vodka or whiskey or tequila. I may have 4-10 beers per night. I've been hiding my hard-liquor stash for about 9 months from my wife. Some nights I put myself to sleep early - which I will probably do tonight as well - with a couple Benadryls - to keep myself from drinking too much. This seems to work for me sometimes.
But, here's where I think this has become a problem. I went to the post-office today and had to fill out an over-night shipping form. I was shaking bad enough that it took me way too long to fill out the form so that it was legible. I think the postman behind the counter noticed and I felt terrible and ashamed ... so, I backed-out on the other errands I had to run (one being the liquor store) because I didn't want anyone else to see me shaking while I attempted to write out checks or deposit slips (I live in a small town - everyone knows everyone).
My liver (I think - pancreas? kidney?) has been aching; not a lot, but enough that I notice it when I get up and about in the late morning. This is not good. I have been regularly taking fish oil capsules, vitamin D, B vitamins, multi-vitamins, and trying to make sure I have some sort of healthy breakfast. Of course, this helps. But, right now, I am into my 3rd beer and my 5th gulp of tequila; it's 7:15PM. My wife will be home by 10PM and I will likely be sleeping, even though she probably would like to tell me about her day - probably won't happen. Had some Cranberry juice for the kidneys.
I should post this in "My Story", but it should translate well enough here.
I never was an abuser of anything until I got into this marriage - my wife is 13 years older than me and she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. We are deeply in love. We talk about my drinking quite often (she drinks moderately and smokes), which is good to have on the table. But, she seems to think that I don't have an addictive personality (she was previously married to an addict for 19 years), and that I can control this drinking by allowing myself only so much alcohol per night. I want to believe her and give it a try (keeping a "drinking journal"), but cutting back has proven difficult for me (as highlighted by the hiding of bottles). I'm a very introverted person and absolutely love the "social lubricant" that alcohol gives me. I'm funnier, wittier, and more social - and I write better and more freely and don't get down on myself (I think of Hunter S. Thompson) ... people love me when I've had a few. And to be honest as honest can be, our sex life is even better if I've had a few - and what's better than that in the grand scheme of things?!?!
So there you have it. I come from a very sober Catholic family and I love them very much. I'm kinda the black sheep of the family, but I've never hurt anyone with this binging; always kept it at home. I don't drive drunk, I'm not violent, I don't get into stupid arguments when I'm drunk ... but, I do black-out on occasion (and by occasion, I mean probably 4 nights per week where I don't remember the last hour of consciousness - I gauge an "okay" night on whether or not I got my contacts out properly and brushed my teeth). I know I'm well into the early stages of alcoholism and I want to ween myself off. Taking the Benadryl when I know that I've had enough has worked a little, but like everyone else on this board who has been at this stage, I'm afraid that I'll TOTALLY lose control and wreck something beautiful.
Sometimes life is extremely hard and that can turn us to the AL ... but, in my case, sometimes life can be exactly what you always wished for and it drives to the carefree use of AL. I'm slightly stumped.
My point is that no one could have a more blessed life than I have had, but damn I love the drinks now for some reason. But, it's beginning to be something that I think about all day (when I'm not working) and I don't like that. Is it possible for me to go back to my mildly social lubricating phase, or do I sound like someone who should do the total AF deal?
I've been lurking on this site since January when I first went for a week without AL (inspired by MWO), and just now (as I get into the carefree days of summer) have gotten the courage up to post. You're all wonderful people and this forum is an amazing resource. Opinions taken with the utmost respect.
Best to all ... sorry so long (months worth of thinking).
Sam
So, I'm 38 years old. I've been drinking every day (save for a few 5 day stints away from it over the past year and a half) for about 8 years. I drink beers and every time I open a beer I have a GULP of vodka or whiskey or tequila. I may have 4-10 beers per night. I've been hiding my hard-liquor stash for about 9 months from my wife. Some nights I put myself to sleep early - which I will probably do tonight as well - with a couple Benadryls - to keep myself from drinking too much. This seems to work for me sometimes.
But, here's where I think this has become a problem. I went to the post-office today and had to fill out an over-night shipping form. I was shaking bad enough that it took me way too long to fill out the form so that it was legible. I think the postman behind the counter noticed and I felt terrible and ashamed ... so, I backed-out on the other errands I had to run (one being the liquor store) because I didn't want anyone else to see me shaking while I attempted to write out checks or deposit slips (I live in a small town - everyone knows everyone).
My liver (I think - pancreas? kidney?) has been aching; not a lot, but enough that I notice it when I get up and about in the late morning. This is not good. I have been regularly taking fish oil capsules, vitamin D, B vitamins, multi-vitamins, and trying to make sure I have some sort of healthy breakfast. Of course, this helps. But, right now, I am into my 3rd beer and my 5th gulp of tequila; it's 7:15PM. My wife will be home by 10PM and I will likely be sleeping, even though she probably would like to tell me about her day - probably won't happen. Had some Cranberry juice for the kidneys.
I should post this in "My Story", but it should translate well enough here.
I never was an abuser of anything until I got into this marriage - my wife is 13 years older than me and she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. We are deeply in love. We talk about my drinking quite often (she drinks moderately and smokes), which is good to have on the table. But, she seems to think that I don't have an addictive personality (she was previously married to an addict for 19 years), and that I can control this drinking by allowing myself only so much alcohol per night. I want to believe her and give it a try (keeping a "drinking journal"), but cutting back has proven difficult for me (as highlighted by the hiding of bottles). I'm a very introverted person and absolutely love the "social lubricant" that alcohol gives me. I'm funnier, wittier, and more social - and I write better and more freely and don't get down on myself (I think of Hunter S. Thompson) ... people love me when I've had a few. And to be honest as honest can be, our sex life is even better if I've had a few - and what's better than that in the grand scheme of things?!?!
So there you have it. I come from a very sober Catholic family and I love them very much. I'm kinda the black sheep of the family, but I've never hurt anyone with this binging; always kept it at home. I don't drive drunk, I'm not violent, I don't get into stupid arguments when I'm drunk ... but, I do black-out on occasion (and by occasion, I mean probably 4 nights per week where I don't remember the last hour of consciousness - I gauge an "okay" night on whether or not I got my contacts out properly and brushed my teeth). I know I'm well into the early stages of alcoholism and I want to ween myself off. Taking the Benadryl when I know that I've had enough has worked a little, but like everyone else on this board who has been at this stage, I'm afraid that I'll TOTALLY lose control and wreck something beautiful.
Sometimes life is extremely hard and that can turn us to the AL ... but, in my case, sometimes life can be exactly what you always wished for and it drives to the carefree use of AL. I'm slightly stumped.
My point is that no one could have a more blessed life than I have had, but damn I love the drinks now for some reason. But, it's beginning to be something that I think about all day (when I'm not working) and I don't like that. Is it possible for me to go back to my mildly social lubricating phase, or do I sound like someone who should do the total AF deal?
I've been lurking on this site since January when I first went for a week without AL (inspired by MWO), and just now (as I get into the carefree days of summer) have gotten the courage up to post. You're all wonderful people and this forum is an amazing resource. Opinions taken with the utmost respect.
Best to all ... sorry so long (months worth of thinking).
Sam
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