Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

[Sam Handwich]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

Tonight is difficult. Sitting here with my wife. I know she knows I'm drunked up and has said, "Do you need to go to bed?". I answered by saying that I think I need some Cheetos, so I got up and got them. But, when she senses something, I need to take heed. I think I'm going to bed now. What a ridiculous life ... gotta get out of it somehow ... it's a cycle like no other ... day after day; gotta break it up. Throw some dynamite into the middle of it ... come to Jeebus ... wake up, dumbass ... duh ... but, the AL, he just keeps providing, allowing me to be a blind soul (he's a BEAST). Well, thanks alot AL, appreciate it ... not.

Can't wait to talk to you all when this is all over. The support is amazing ...

Sam

[FloridaBoy]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

It is a cycle and a trap. Going w/o AL will certainly help you with navigating your previously referred to mid-life crisis.

Just because AL is legal and socially acceptable doesn't make it less dangerous.

[Evie.Lou]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

It is POISON.....Very deadly POISON !!!!!Get help ASAP.I know if you reach out for support ,you can do this....We can BEAT the BEAST together....That way he is WAY OUT NUMBERED !!!!!EVIE

[shaking it off]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

Hi Sam,

Thank you for your response. I feel a little less alone. I am embarrassed to say I did open it, and drank another glass. I am surprised with how emotional I am right now. I have had no place to go to discuss my frightening relationship with alcohol. Your kind words about my nephew are appreciated. I worry about my dear sister. Life is so uncertain, I can't believe I am drinking my way through it, what a waste. I can't seem to find hope and the belief in myself that I could be a non-drinker.

Shaking it off

[Frogzter]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

:welcome: So glad you shared your story Sam! I too was a daily drinker. I am now 27 days AF. I found out the hard way that moderations is not an option for me, but it is different for all of us. Just keep coming back, reading and positing, try some different things and you will soon find what works for you!

All the best to you! Don't lose what you have! Got a great thing going!

Love and Light,

[RockyRoad]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

I was raised Catholic as well. I consider myself a 'Recovering-Catholic' and Catholicism a form of child abuse. When we weren't in church we were in Dad's tavern. We'd kneel on the hard wooden steps between our home above the bar that led to the bar and say the Rosary for punishment for our sins. I am the youngest of ten. It was like being born into hell and I realize it but apparently I can't get over it and I was certainly taught from an early age how to self-medicate. Somebody died - let's make a toast!!! Somebody got married, got Baptised, got Confirmed, had their First Confession/Communion, was happy, was sad, a Grandchild's birthday, Mom & Dad's anniversary, after Mid-night mass on X-mas Eve, or how about when Lent was over, what did they call that, AH YES, Easter Sunday - for all these occasions - LET'S ALL GET HAMMERED!!! Didn't matter how young or old, who was driving, or the physical fights that broke out that ended the event - it was how we lived - as long as we went to Mass first. I could write a book and ramble on forever. Parents are long, long gone and none of we siblings speak to each other. We're not angry - just whipped. I'm 48 and my oldest sibling is 69. Nobody cares about anybody. Relationships mean nothing. Emotion is a sign of weekness. When I tell people that none of my siblings has ever given my 5 minutes of respite in the last 23 years of caring for my disabled son, they fall over. But according to my good Catholic upbringing, he was a scab on the family and a punishment from God and they told me so. I pity what they have missed out on not being a part of his life. I believe God sends opportunities to learn and elevate our souls for a reason. I believe he has led me to you all and hopefully not to late to give my life some purpose. I keep picturing the day I have to look my children in the eye and tell them that 'Mommy is dying because she loved AL more than she loved you' and the truth is, I think I love and need love too much - I think that's what is killing me. I am trying to understand this. My mother acted like she hated me and of course I recently learned that she was giving me her own special elixor of AL laced 'nerve medicine' to sedate me as a child. Being a 48 YO woman and realizing the onset of Menopause myself and putting 2 & 2 together, I realize that I was Mom's Menopause Mistake and she probably truly was miserable and didn't know what she was going through or why she was cursed with another child so late in life . Well - now she knows (God rest her soul) that she can chalk another one up to Catholicism and 'The Rythym Method' and not her innocent child.

FYI - to my fellow Catholic who's sis lost her son - OMG - I am so very, very sorry. One of my sister's lost a son (who was my age) in 2000 and a daughter (a few years younger than me) 3 years later. I was devastated because I was much closer to them than I was to my sister. I still well up when I think of them. They both went quickly and are at mucher greater peace than I and I talk to them often. We used to love to drink together! Yes, I miss them sooo much, and they really liked my broken son. XOX

[Doggygirl]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

OK Sam Handwich, where are you today? It sounds like you did some excellent soul searching yesterday, and that's a great place to start. Being honest with ourselves and each other here at MWO is something I find to be a relief, and something that reduces stress and guilt - so I can put a positive focus on working towards sobriety.

Oh --and yesterday afternoon in a post you mentioned mid life crisis (age 38) stuff. The only thing AL is guaranteed to do in contribution to your mid life crisis is give you a beer belly. Well, that's the least of it. How are you going to look in a shiny red corvette giving rides to young cheerleaders with a beer belly??????? (OK, sense of humor is required for reading this post.)

Hi Rocky. I'm so sad to read your story. You should copy and paste it to a new thread - you will get even more support and visibility and help that way. You have come to a truly great community. :colorwelcome:

DG
***************

[Sam Handwich]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

Thanks for all the responses and the sharing of stories. Now, I'm trying to visualize myself without a beer belly! (Thanks for the funny, DG - made me laugh). But, this morning, I've just been kind of sad; I just really love Mrs. Handwich and I can see that I'm hurting her - we've never had a fight in 5 years. She's the most understanding, caring, and thoughtful person I could have ever hoped to meet. Our lives up until we met were about as opposite as you can imagine. She grew up in sort of Christian cult, didn't even learn about the holocaust until college, had a long previous marriage that ended when he left her, but somehow she came out of all of that with 2 beautiful and smart daughters and me .... but, I'm not the same guy she fell in love with now because I have this piano on my back. It just makes me sad today. I'll gain more and more hope, I think, if I just stay on this train of thought about quiting instead of thinking about AL. My buddies at the liquor store are gonna miss all the $$$$ I've been bringing to them.

Rocky, thanks so much for sharing your story. Also, thanks for the support Frogz, Evie, FB, and everyone else. Onward to clarity!

Sam

[KBCE]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

Hey Sam - stay strong - we are sending good thoughts your way. And I hear ya about the liquor store...they are going to start sending me "get well, hope to see you soon" cards....and they will definitely start seeing a wine surplus in their store! lol

Seriously, what are we going to do with all this money and time we are saving?! This could be really great!

We are here for you so stay strong and keep loving Mrs. Handwich. I wonder if you leveled with her about your struggle, maybe she could really help you? Not trying to overstep bounds here Sam, but we want you to feel better and be AF! This thing is a big mean monster and you need all teh "ammo" to fight it. Good luck and keep posting!

Kat

[Sam Handwich]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

Hi Kat. Thanks for that.

Mrs. Handwich and I have had several conversations about my lack of sobriety (some I even remember!) and she's been great. I've told her about this forum and how much it's helping me mentally and she thinks it's great - and I even think it makes her a little more settled that I'm actually trying to actively stop the madness. She, without me asking, got me some fish oil capsules, velerian tea, and B-12 complex a couple months ago, so I know she's been doing her own research, and well before I did. I know she'll help me through this, but I also know her well enough to know how hard it is for her to watch me in this state, and that's what's on my mind today ... well, every day, I guess.

I've always jokingly apologized to the liquor store people about the warn-out carpet path to the Jameson. But, lately, I've been trading off between 2 liquor stores so I won't appear to be such a soak. Pathetic, but hopefully I can laugh about it someday soon when they don't see me anymore!

Thanks, Kat

Sam

[Doggygirl]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

Sam Handwich;340280 wrote: But, lately, I've been trading off between 2 liquor stores so I won't appear to be such a soak. Pathetic, but hopefully I can laugh about it someday soon when they don't see me anymore!



Sam

Sigh. Been there, done that (multiple stores) as have many many folks here.

I'm glad to hear that Mrs. Handwich is being very supportive. It's very possible you will go through lots of rides on the emotional roller coaster as you journey on the path to a new and better life. You will need her love and support and it sounds like you have it!

DG

[Sam Handwich]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

As you say, Mrs. Handwich is being very supportive; we just had a conversation about my future plans for AF. She gets it, though it's weird for her since she doesn't know what the physical addiction feels like. I've told her that come Sunday, when I plan to go AF, I might be grumpy and secluded and lock myself in the bedroom with some tea and some TV. This is how I have to do it. She says, "I know ..." so, all is good for the start of an AF attempt. I'm ready. Wish me luck.

Thanks for your thoughts, DG!

Sam

[Evie.Lou]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

I wish you all the LUCK in the world....Having a supportive partner is such a blessings!!!!! Make sure she knows how much it means to you and that not everyone is as fortunate as you are.......You can do this....Believe in yourself as I believe in you,and you will be fine!!!!!!Evie

[4theboyz]

Semi-Functioning AL Boy, But Waffling ...

Sam,

I'm glad to see you still here all fired up for Sunday. I think it is great that you have you have a game plan *and* you have your wife on board as well. Excellent first steps. This game plan is IMO so important so you don't have to guess or improvise on the fly. Thing can and will get dicey, so knowing in advance what you will do and when to bail from the moment is crucial. I didn't tell my wife for 2 weeks I had a problem and had quit drinking and can only dream of how much easier those days would have been had I had her support then.

I'll be gone all next week but I hope to come back and see your smilin' face still here.

Good luck!

4tb