My old hands

[Riker]

I feel like I'm 51, yet I am 41. Outside of my skin, my life is great, inside, I die a bit more every day I wake because of..you know... Same merry go round, wake up feeling slow and heavy, it's to early, need about 4 more hours..but got to get in the shower and go to work... work, I work to live, I don't live to work..I guess in a way, I work to drink because without work there is no funds for purchasing the drink.

As I type this, my hands on the keyboard look 10 years older than they should, I use to be in great shape about 3 years ago, but shoulder injuries, one then the other, has kept me out of the training program since, nothing really serious, just taking a long time to heal.

I know where this road leads to.. I drink 10 beers each and every day, that will put a bump in anyone's gut. I should have a most a 34" waist, but I have a 38" waist because of the " cold ones " .

I'm in a funk, maybe even depressed, non motivated for anything, not motivated to stop drinking, to eat better, to execersise, to work out like I used to, to go out, to do anything except drink.. go to work , cause I have to.. and I do a great job, everyone at work loves me etc.. but they don't know how much more I am capable of..so much more if only..

I think I have reached my " breaking " point.. I am way to fat .. I'm 20lbs overweight and hating it every single day I get up. But somehow I just can't stop frigging (I'm being polite here) drinking. !! AutoPilot to the beer store .. 10 a night on weeknights, 15 a night on weekends. not good.. like someone said recently, it's going to catch up eventually..like 5 years ? ? ? then I'll be really screwed.

Been here many times before, have the book, have the CDs, have the Kudzu etc.. read it , took it, etc.. registered almost 2 years ago.. come and go.. made some friends here but I've been away for quite a while.. time to get back here, back on track, back on LIFE.

Thanks for listening, as always..

Riker

[lukalee]

My old hands

Riker, very much like you, I have been on autopilot. It is time to take the car (your life) out of autopilot and let you do the steering from now on. AL wants us on autopilot so that it makes it easy for him to take control.

[Accountable for Me]

My old hands

Nice to see you back Riker.

I think for MANY of us, we got so fed up with what this was doing to us, we finally threw in the towel and said f-it, I am quitting this madness once and for all!

You are 41, so very young still. Start the program again. Once you get into the swing of things like exercising and eating better, I believe you will have less desire to drink. Alcohol is a waste of time, and it is a waste of health/life. (Of course this is my opinion only........ no offense to anyone else).

Jump back in and get back on the road to feeling better.

[Sam Handwich]

My old hands

Riker - I hate this shit - it's not right - none of us should have to go through this; specially if we are at a point of understanding that you are ...

All i can say is for you to keep reaching out into this forum. You will receive prompt replies and you will be guided. Wait, and do it for yourself ... I've done it for awhile now, and though I'm not sober yet, I',m gleaning all of the reasons and experiences that will allow me to become sober through this forum.

I am an alcoholic. I am going to bed right now instead of having another drink because of the people on this site. Stick with it ... seriously ... it will help.

Goodnight, Riker ... you're 51, I',m 38, but we're on similar plains .... keep posting here and talk about your life ... we want to hear about it. We can help ...

Bestest,

Sam

[AMELIA]

My old hands

Hi Riker,
Good to see you back. Shows that there is a part of you (a big part of your inner self) that just knows that you have to do something to change. If you don't make changes....as the old saying goes.....nothings going to change.

You do sound really fed up and your drinking/weight sounds like they are really getting to you.
Could you go take something to help your resolve? I am not sure what you have tried before...topa maybe or campral? If you need help go to your doc and ask for it....

I have just recently started taking Antabuse. It has only been a week, but I feel so different to when I took Topamax. When I took topamax, I still felt I could drink...if I wanted to, which gave me the inch or two I needed to take a mile (so to speak). But now, on Antabuse I just can not drink and for me that works. It takes the decision making process out of my hands really, because my resolve to be abstinent is always so much stronger in the AM than the PM,....so I take my tablet in the PM.
Works for me and that is great.
Riker, think about different possibilities to get you to where you want to be. Could you cut down the beers one by one, day by day to D-day, when you stop altogether...do you want to stop altogether?

Anyhow. I can hear your frustration. Keep coming back to the boards and let us know how you are getting on.
x

[headless1]

My old hands

Riker, I don't know you but I do. I'm where you are. It's painful and dark because you can't see any other way. Seven years ago I weighed 40 pounds less than I do now. I am 55 and know how great it is to be in top shape. All my life I've worked,exercised &drank like a champ. But now I must choose. Alcohol and no life/health or enjoying the rest of my life with my priorities and principles guiding me. Injuries and surgeries(I've had 11) are tough to overcome as we age. Why face all this crap w/o alcohol. Blot out everything and then you don't have a problem. The weight is what motivated me, I am 10 days AF and am starting slowly to exercise. Reading your post inspires me. I wish I could turn back the clock to where you are, you can change. The sooner you do the happier you will be, don't let the thousand tomorrows go by and lose your precious years to booze. The way we appear on the outside is only a manifestation of what is going on inside. Change from the inside takes effort. Pouring booze down is easy. Nothing worth having is ever easy to attain,
GO FOR IT--looking forward to your future posts--
best to you,
H

[jessie]

My old hands

Hi Riker,
You sound as if depression might also be a factor, Alcohol is a major depressant and I have been getting more and more scared that I might actually do something terrible to myself in the aftermath of a binge. Please stop. You can. Amelia has sound advise re the Antabuse. Just to get you out of the pit.
I am still struggling but everytime my resolve is stronger. Some people can stop just like that - but for me it is a process. The important thing is to not give up. Start again and again till your brain registers that you cannot drink.
All the best.
Jessie

[meditation mama]

My old hands

Hey, Riker..

I am really glad you posted. That was an honest account of your current life. Have you had long stretches of AF before?

I know the desparation that you feel right now. Jessie is right, AL is a depressant. January 6th I woke up 20 pounds heavier than I am right now, completely depressed and as hungover as I have ever been. I made a big decision, the biggest of my life. I couldn't go on like that. I wanted my active life back. The fist thing I did was make a solid commitment here to be AF and ask for help each and every day until I was strong. The people here were fanstastic! But it was me, I came, I posted, I stayed almost glued to this site for the first 30 days. So, I guess what I am sying is that if you are ready, we are ready to help.

Stay close, Riker.. let us know what is going on, OK?

I'll be thinking of you..

MM

[57Shelby]

My old hands

Riker, Hi, I remember reading your posts when AceofBase was here. I rode his coattails like the wind!!! He made is sound so easy and effortless. But, the truth is, we all have a difficult time facing this battle and we can't live our battle through anyone else's story. We LIVE our own. It took me YEARS and YEARS to finally talkd to a doctor about this. It took this program and the need to ask for Topomax for me to discuss it. But, I feel so much better now that it is out in the open with her. I had my first pani attack right after Thanksgiving. That started my journey in search of real answers to where I was headed with my drinking. I tried to blame it on low blood sugar, thyroidism, anything I could think of besides the alcohol. When all my tests came back and I was healthy as a horse including my liver, I was thankful. I decided then, at almost 50 I was lucky and better start thinking about making some changes. I am rambling on, but my point is it seems you haven't found what works for you. Is there a doctor that you can confide in? It does sound like you are deep in the arms of depression and maybe some meds for that and the AL would jump-start things for you.

Riker, it is good to see you again. Keep coming back. You CAN do this. You just have to find your way.

[Evie.Lou]

My old hands

Welcome back....I look 10yrs.younger in less than i month.....The body is an amazing self healing divice when we stop poisoning it.....Every day you will feel better and better!!!!!LOL..EVIE

[Riker]

My old hands

Thanks everyone

Thank you for your replies, I am always amazed at the support on this forum. MM, Amelia, Acountable, Shelby, it is really nice to reconect with you guys, it's been to long.

MM, I have not had any long streches AF in a wile, and long means 2 weeks.. not 2 months. But coming back here, yet again, is a good thing. I remember reading posts after posts of you and reteacher, chief, satori, betty boop, imatree, accountable, shelby, beatle, of course Starlight, who can ever forget Starlight Empress, and so many more .very inspiring and the direct reason for quite a few AF days here and there for me.

Headless1, we seemed to be at a very similar point in the game, I appreciated your post a lot and can definitively relate.

Last night was a bad night and yes, I was a bit depressed, but I'm ok really. I just needed to log on and vent out some frustrations about this damm AL ! Today I'm good, did not drink yet and don't plan on it.. and if I do I'm going to keep it as low as possible.

I'm really close to trying Campral , I'm going to make an appointement with the doc soon. Not sure how that's going to go.. but hey, I have to start taking steps.. n'uff drinking, more action.

Again, I can't thank you guys enough for your responses and I'll be sticking around for a while for sure.

All the best to everyone,

Riker

[louise]

My old hands

Hi Riker, I also joined, did really well for a while, then got busy, ran out of supps, thought I was ok and slid down again. I'm just very recently back as well and thanks to support here have made it to day 8AF. So welcome back and I wish you the best.

[Riker]

My old hands

Thanks Louise,

Great job on 8 days..man, it's been a while since I did 8 days.. in fact, it's been years.. I did 6 days, then slip for one, then 6 , then slip back to everyday .. so my biggest AF strech so far, in about 10 years, is 12 days out of 13 days and that was last year..

got to get back to basics..I know what to do, I have the knowledge, ie: food, excersise etc.. it's applying it that is the issue :-)

Thanks again,

Riker

[Doggygirl]

My old hands

Hi Riker and welcome back. I remember your screen name from last summer I think. I can relate to everything you posted! I made it 60 days AF, then bought into that "just one" bullshit and down into the pit I went. Been struggling ever since and off and one here (more off than on) until May 22. Now I'm 18 days AF because I finally got SICK enough and DISGUSTED enough with my wasting of my body and life that I just had to take action again. I hope I can keep those feelings of disgust firmly planted in my memory bank to always remember when I'm tempted.

I'm more like 50 pounds overweight but have lost 7 pounds in the last 18 days by NOT drinking alcohol, eating low carb, taking my supps, and working out LOTS. And MAN does that feel good. It also feels good to look in the mirror and see a less bloated, much happier face staring back at me. I have just come to hate AL so much I can barely describe it! :b&d:

Different things work for different people, and like others suggested I would not HESITATE to talk to a doc about the prescription med options - especially if I lived in any other country than the US (health care system fraught with risk if you have alcohol treatment in your official medical records). I have not had to go the med route, but I have experimented pretty extensively with the supplements.

In terms of mood enhancement, reduced cravings, and better sleep I like L-Tryptophan which MM recommended to me. I'm having better results with that than I did with various combos including the Kudzu, L-Glut, GABE or SAMe (tried both at different times - liked GABA better of those two). I started a thread on it in the Holistic section hoping for feedback from others who may have used it longer term if you want to check that out.

This is such an awesome community, and I DO believe we can all stop if we work hard enough at developing the right program and attitude to suit our individual needs. Good to see you back Riker! I want to be like July, Chief, Satori and so many others when I grow up!!

DG
******************

[Riker]

My old hands

Hi DG

Hi DG, so nice to hear from you, yes I was here last year at around this time. Thanks for sharing your latest experience, I guess eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.

I'm doing ok, I drank way to much all of last week and now I'm fed up with this crap. It was movie night last night and I kept it way under my normal. .I would wait longer before getting another beer, drink it slower etc.. I had half of what I would had have.

I will check out your thread in hollistic and read up more on the supp you mentioned.

Good to hear from you, take care and stay strong, I'm on my way too.. trying very hard to get there as well.

Riker