Scared - but moving forward!

[HockeyMom]

I'm still just discovering the fact that I have become a "problem drinker", from reading Roberta's book and others. I never thought this would happen to me, as I've always been the responsible one and in control of everything - Ha! But life's stresses and years of emotional issues with my teenage daughters left me weary and wounded. Wine seemed to be the way to escape the reality of life. For a while it worked - just one or two glasses at night every other day or so - took the edge off! Lately, I would often drink 1 to 1.5 bottles in a night, and I started to hide it from my family. I guess because of my genetic makeup, I can drink a lot and not show it right away. When things in my marriage started to get strained, I decided to get help. I'm taking a break from the family for a few weeks to do an intensive outpatient program. It's the first time in 23 years that I've had any time to myself, to discover how I feel about things, and why I drink to cover up those feelings. It's been 14 days now since I've had a drink, but the cravings in the early evening are very strong. This is all so scary, and I feel very alone most of the time.
I plan to follow the program and do more therapy, and I hope to be able to some day drink moderately again. But if I can't, I will give it up. It's just not worth it.
Glad to have others who understand!
HockeyMom

[jessie]

Scared - but moving forward!

Hallo Hockeymom and a big welcome hug!
This place has been a real life saver for many of us. Keep reading and posting.
Yes, the beast catches a great many of us the same way. To relax and take the edge off and then so slowly that you don't realize it in the beginning 1-2 glasses become 3-4 and then a bottle or two and then on some days like me 2 litres!!!
And yes, teenagers can drain you in every way there is - I often felt that mine were using me UP.
Does your family know that you have a problem and are they supportive? Have you hit bottom like done something dangerous while drunk or injured someone. Here you can tell all, nobody will judge and condemn.
Yes, we understand because we are here for the same reason as you.
Love
Jessie

[boozehag]

Scared - but moving forward!

Hi Hockeymom
Welcome. Teenagers..... yeuck they would drive anyone to drink. But they do eventually turn into normal people again so hang in there. Good to hear you are having time out for therapy and that you are 14 days AF - that is just great. Hopefully it will revive you and revitalise your life and goals. Dont let those teenagers drag you down - be tough stand your ground and never take anything they say personally and never ever engage in any discussions of any kind with them (just let it all roll off you like water off a ducks back). I just repeat oh that is wonderful darling absolutely wonderful - no matter what they say. It really pisses them off!
BH

[vlad]

Scared - but moving forward!

Hey, I haven't even got children and I found myself plowing through cans of beer and half a litre of vodka nearly every night. I feel like had no reason at all other than the fact I was obsessed! I only began to admit I had a problem when I starting putting drink before anything else. It's takes strength to admit you have a problem, you must be strong - you've gone 14 days without a drink! I am trying to moderate, but after a few slip ups, thought it would do me good to go without for a while, I'm only on Day 4 and nearly crumbled last night.

[happydog]

Scared - but moving forward!

Hi Hockeymom,:welcome:

Well done on 14days AF......
When we stop drinking thats when we learn about our feelings thoughs and emotions are ( dont be surprise if you are crying a lot as well all part of it) Drinking covers all those thinks up.
I use to go to bed very early to stop thinking about AL, but my body was very tired as well!!
now i will go on a bike ride or a jog it good to clear the head.
I know it scary but you have found the right place here lots of people to support you and make you feel at home. All the best of luck.x

Take care

Love

Teardrop.x

[Doggygirl]

Scared - but moving forward!

:colorwelcome: Hockeymom! Congratulations on your 14 days AF, and ESPECIALLY for taking some time for YOU - to put yourself first for a short time rather than your family first. I think we women are wired in some way to put everyone first in front of us.....then turn to alcohol to blot out our feelings of being drained from giving giving giving all the time. I don't even have kids and I feel that way sometimes! We all have to just find other healthier ways to cope and "fix" what might need fixin' in our relationships rather than hiding out in the bottle.

Enjoy this healing time in your program, and read and post lots here! This community is fantastic.

WE CAN DO THIS!!

DG
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[caseaday]

Scared - but moving forward!

Congratulations on making it to 14 days of AF as it is a very big accomplishment. I have an 8 year old...it gets worse???? Yikes? Love her to death but her mouth can get out of control at times.

I wanted to let you know that the morning of days 12 - 22 of AF were absolutely horrible for thinking about AL. Everyday it was the first thing on my mind! It wasn't like I was thinking about running to the kitchen and grabbing a beer or anything but it was more about..."okay, today once again I have to spend the whole entire day thinking about not drinking. Great. While other people are living normal lives I am sitting here thinking about not drinking."

Don't worry and keep plugging along! It will go away in another week to ten days. Then you will be waking up saying to yourself "Holy crap there are about 10 gazillion things that I want to do today and I got to get going!"

Take care...Case

[Wolf Dreamer]

Scared - but moving forward!

Hi Hockey Mom, I too have very strong craving's in the early evening. I've ordered Kudzu and hope it will help me with that window of time when it seems so hard to resist. I now really focus on that period of the day and try to be with someone who doesn't drink. Also I try to give myself some kind of treat like a double fattening latte or something I like specifically at that time. I'm childless but maybe you will be in a better position to deal with the stress of the kids now that you have some AF time behind you. I know I deal with life's stresses SO much better when I'm AF. Strange how we drink to relieve stress and what it really does is make it harder to cope with in the long run. The innate wickedness of AL at work.
Take care
Wolf Dreamer :welcome: :new: too.

[FloridaBoy]

Scared - but moving forward!

:welcome: :goodjob:

Kudzu and L-glute will help with the cravings. Come here and read posts or go to chat when you feel like drinking.

[Sheepish]

Scared - but moving forward!

Hi Hockey Mom-
Your headline made me smile- 'Scared, but moving forward'- because I joined 2 days ago with the headline 'Nervous, but doing it anyway'! Separated at birth? :H

I too have also been in an intensive outpatient program 3 years ago- good for you for taking time for yourself! I found it helpful. My only (and unsolicited) advice would be to try and stay in the moment. I found that when I was in the program I spent a lot of time worrying and feeling guilty about 'being in the program' and 'taking time out for myself'. Sort of like when you are on vacation and you feel guilty for not being at work- and then suddenly the vacation is over and you wonder why the heck did I spend ONE MOMENT of my vacation feeling guilty about work?????

You mentioned that you would 'someday like to moderate'. I found that I spent a lot of time in my program thinking too far ahead- trying to control what my outcome would be- ie, 'I want to moderate', 'I want to not drink for the summer', etc... instead of concentrating on what was in front of me, right then and now. These days I am trying (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) the 'how do I feel right now' approach.

I am sorry if this post wandered off and went a little astray- your story of the outpatient really got me thinking. I am new here too- and learning.
Again- good for you for taking care of yourself!
I wish the best for you-
Sheep

[aquamarine]

Scared - but moving forward!

HockeyMom, Hi and Welcome. I am also a "hockey mom" and understand what is like dealing with teenagers. Yes- they can absolutley drain the life out of you. I too started with wine which turned into a very consuming dependent habit. This is very scary in the beginning , I remember very vividly feeling very scared and in disbelief at how this could happen to me. There are many people in similar situations - responsible, caring, intelligent, together people who get "addicted" to alcohol. Keep coming back. There are many wonderful people here who care and really truly know what you are going through.
It can really help alot. BeWell,Aquamarine