In my year or so effort of trying to quit, I typically don't make it to day two, regardless of the circumstances. Usually, by the second, or third day, I feel good and start convincing myself of all those "beast lies" I've been reading about. Yesterday was no exception and I'd like to post what happened to me yesterday so I can make some sense of it all and possibly get some feedback on how I can handle it differently next time.
Tuesday was a great day, AF, I ate low carb and healthy and got in a good work out. I woke up Wednesday feeling AMAZING, clear head, motivated, happy, etc... Spent most of the day with my girls, at the mall, at Lowe's picking out paint and other home improvement projects I plan on working on this summer, visiting a friend with a new litter of puppies (we're thinking of adopting one),and I had a good workout. At 4:00 I began to feel irritable, frustrated, bored, generally yuck. I felt like I was ready to crawl out of my skin. I didn't know what to do with myself. I agreed to let my older daughter spend the night at her friend's house, and basically it was then and there that I decided to give in and and buy beer on my way back. I rationalized that I needed it, I felt awful, and that I would only have my younger daughter so I wouldn't have to "hide" buying or drinking it. Isn't that sad?
I had my first beer around 5:00 and literally sat on the couch, and watched TV for a couple of hours. By about 8:00, I was buzzed, accomplished nothing, considered stopping, but didn't. By 9:00 I put my daughter to bed and began to feel sad, reminisce about old times, old friends, my hometown (thankfully I didn't call or email anyone). My BF came home at 10:00 and somehow I successfully hid all of this, including the drinking from him. I went to bed 11ish but when my dog woke me up to go out around 4, I remembered that I had drank (my throbbing head and dry mouth were gentle reminders) and I began the self-loathing, guilty, regretful thoughts and banter in my head. Bottom line - it wasn't worth it one bit. Drinking alone (which is basically all I do right now) is lonely and pathetic- not fun. It's not good for me, my daughters, my BF, so why do I allow myself to continue? I am educated (I have a psychology degree for goodness sakes), I am a hard working professional, and I have a great life. AL is pulling me down in everyway imaginable - despite every diet I try, I fail, because I drink. I have to lose over 75 lbs - who is this person? Yet every time I try to quit, within a day or two I convince myself that I can drink, that I deserve to drink, blah blah blah. Please, help. What can I do just at those weak moments were I have the power to make a choice, to make the right one, for me, my girls and my life?
Thank you for reading this long post. It was theraputic for me but now I need to do something with it.
Tuesday was a great day, AF, I ate low carb and healthy and got in a good work out. I woke up Wednesday feeling AMAZING, clear head, motivated, happy, etc... Spent most of the day with my girls, at the mall, at Lowe's picking out paint and other home improvement projects I plan on working on this summer, visiting a friend with a new litter of puppies (we're thinking of adopting one),and I had a good workout. At 4:00 I began to feel irritable, frustrated, bored, generally yuck. I felt like I was ready to crawl out of my skin. I didn't know what to do with myself. I agreed to let my older daughter spend the night at her friend's house, and basically it was then and there that I decided to give in and and buy beer on my way back. I rationalized that I needed it, I felt awful, and that I would only have my younger daughter so I wouldn't have to "hide" buying or drinking it. Isn't that sad?
I had my first beer around 5:00 and literally sat on the couch, and watched TV for a couple of hours. By about 8:00, I was buzzed, accomplished nothing, considered stopping, but didn't. By 9:00 I put my daughter to bed and began to feel sad, reminisce about old times, old friends, my hometown (thankfully I didn't call or email anyone). My BF came home at 10:00 and somehow I successfully hid all of this, including the drinking from him. I went to bed 11ish but when my dog woke me up to go out around 4, I remembered that I had drank (my throbbing head and dry mouth were gentle reminders) and I began the self-loathing, guilty, regretful thoughts and banter in my head. Bottom line - it wasn't worth it one bit. Drinking alone (which is basically all I do right now) is lonely and pathetic- not fun. It's not good for me, my daughters, my BF, so why do I allow myself to continue? I am educated (I have a psychology degree for goodness sakes), I am a hard working professional, and I have a great life. AL is pulling me down in everyway imaginable - despite every diet I try, I fail, because I drink. I have to lose over 75 lbs - who is this person? Yet every time I try to quit, within a day or two I convince myself that I can drink, that I deserve to drink, blah blah blah. Please, help. What can I do just at those weak moments were I have the power to make a choice, to make the right one, for me, my girls and my life?
Thank you for reading this long post. It was theraputic for me but now I need to do something with it.
ray:
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