I've been on the program for a few months - pretty high dose of topa at this point. I thought I was doing well until this past Friday when I had a couple of drinks. I can't seem to get over the shame - not only self imposed, but also because I got caught by a few family members who have lost patience with me. Has anyone else slipped up like this? Has anyone also used anti-depressants with topamax? I am a little scared to mix too many meds and wondered if they are compatible. I'm getting really tired of forgiving myself.
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Hi Marie,
I don't really have much info....Other than, my family lost patience with me long ago! You have to forgive yourself before others can or will. It will be a long road for me, only on day 4. Look how far you have come! Way to Go!
Today is a new day!
Take Care,
Tammie
PS: Sorry can't help you on the anti-depress. question. I haven't taken paxil for 2 years.
PPS: Just re-read your post again. A couple of drinks and you have been on the program for a few months. Unless I am reading this wrong. There is NO shame at all! WTG -
Anyone else slip?
Hi Marie,
I have been slipping here and there a good bit. I have been on the program since September, but I have had a lot of success with it too. I am trying to look at it as a life style change. Sounds like there is a lot more to your story than a couple of drinks. Care to elaborate? Seems like you might need to get some things off your chest. That is what we are here for. Bring it on!
-NinaComment
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Anyone else slip?
Hey Marie - Guilty as charged. Slipped Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. Didn't drink as much as I usually do, though, so I am taking that as a good sign.
Don't beat yourself up. I only had 10 days of sobriety behind me when I slipped. The counting starts again today. It's a bummer, but I'm trying to get over it, pick myself up and try again.
Jane.Comment
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Anyone else slip?
Yup, i was only on week 2 but had only had 1 drink in that time than, last friday nite, virtually lost it. A(due to circumstances, i know good excuse) analysed it, figured out didnt work, took a couple of days to forgive myself and got back on track i also am on anti depressents. i take celexa in am and trazedone at nite. only reaction if any i have noticed is that i think they are finally doing there job. the alcohol , i believe was really negating there effect, other than maybe the trazedone, would passout quite nicely at night... but usually didnt last all night and woke up pretty much every am in a fog. no longer. check with your md if your worried, and as i am sure you are aware, DO NOT stop your meds without talking to your md, anti depressents MUST be wiened off of . hope this helps - sorry your family is disappointed, but you have to expect it - i ran into that too.How many times have we done this to them i just dont share too much with those that wont get it. cause, this WILL work then, they WILL get it!!! take care and do work on forgiving yourself, youll go nowhere if you cant be your own friend. just think of yourself as a third party that you love and want to take care of, if you can;t forgive her, how can you help her, dont be so hard on her, she's having a tough time.Comment
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Thanks everyone, it's nice to talk to people who don't pass judgement and understand.
I guess I just get really frustrated with myself. I really wish I could just STOP drinking completely. The guilt really gets to me. I drink alone, when the kids are at school and hubby is at work (I've read I'm not the only one). I drink for any and all reasons - boredom, anger, frustration, celebration, cause I think I deserve it, whatever. I just know that the first one isn't going to be the last one. After being on the program, I do admit that I am drinking MUCH less, which is great. Thanks to all of you for being here and understanding.
MarieComment
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OK Nina - you asked for it......you are right, and for the first time in a loooong time, I am going to be honest. I am tired of lying. I am tired of hiding my drinking. I drink when I am alone and when my kids and husband get home, I hide my bottle and my drink. If I speak to a family member on the phone and they ask if I've been drinkingm I lie. If my therapist asks if I've been drinking, I lie. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I can't stand the lies and I can't stand the drinking. I don't drink that often anymore (sounds good, doesn't it?), maybe once or twice a week at most. On the program, I do drink less, but I am still drinking. I have tried AA, and to be honest, getting to meetings is just not feasible with a kindergartener and an older child, active in everything.
Why is it that some days, I can see alcohol as a fleeting thought and other days I just know I have to stop at the liquor store? The lack of control is really taking a toll on me and relationships around me. People want to "cure" me, and sometimes I just resent the hell out of that. I am 40 years old and don't want to be treated like a child. Then again, I guess I should stop acting like one. Gosh I am in a whiney mood today! Thanks for letting me vent.
MarieComment
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Tammie, Nina, Marie, Jane and The new free me,
We've just confirmed we're human..I drank 3 glasses of champagne since 12/20..not bad it's almost 1/20..
Big hug and congrats on the progress you've all made!
BrandyComment
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We've come a long way....
Marie,
I did the exact same thing, drank when hubby was at work and when he got home. I had to go outside for many smoke(drink) breaks and I was always doing work(drinking) upstairs on the computer at night when he was home. I'd have to run to the gas station for cigarettes(and beer) every night. When I was going to the store somehow I would end up at the bar.
Last weekend I told him I was running to Target and he said "funnny thing, I actually believe you are going to Target". I don't know who I was kidding before.
I did tell my doctor I was drinking a lot, but of course I still lied. I said it was only 8-10 beers or two bottles of wine 3-4 nights a week. It was more like 12-15 beers or 3+ bottles of wine EVERY night. I have an appointment for a physical in 2 weeks. I'm didn't tell her the truth yet, but I think I will then.
Great job everyone on doing better. We've all come a long way and things will only get better from here by keeping the alcohol demon away from us or at least under control!
Here's to 2006!
MarcieComment
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Anyone else slip?
We've come a long way....
Hey Marie, Nina, Marcie, and All!
I was up on my soapbox (I get all worked up about black and white thinking and the whole notion of success/failure) and obviously, my response was a bit over the top, and the powers that be made it disappear into cyberspace:lol ! Anyway, Marie, I've never known anyone to shame themselves into wellness, we are all works in progress! I vote that we should count all our sober days and keep counting them up, and stop feeling that we should go back to day one every time we have a drink. Every sober day is a blessing and an accomplishment! Like Nina, I have been looking at this as a life style change, which allows me to be a lot kinder to myself if I do drink. My goal is moderation, which has a pretty broad definition. What I mean is that I would like alcohol to just be a social thing, when I go out with friends and stuff (and no, that doesn't mean I'll be going out 7 days a week:hat ) But not something I do at home when I'm just hanging out by myself or cleaning, doing paperwork or what not, i.e., everything!
I take antidepressants, specifically, Serzone 300 mg in the evening. I also take Clonazepam to help me sleep; I used to take trazadone, and I also had that horribly hungover feeling in the morning. I've been taking clonazepam for about 12 years now, and started at .5 mg; several years ago, I raised the dose to .75 mg, but haven't had to raise it since. I am also sleeping so much better since I am drinking less, I may be able to cut back on that. I haven't had any problems using the topa, and I'm up to 200 mg/day. Hope that info helps. I don't think that topa is a problem with most antidepressants, except possibly some of the older ones, particularly MAO inhibitors (which are problematic with many things, but the one you're taking isn't in that class).
Anyway, I noticed that this is your first post, Marie, I hope you'll come back and post often. Incidently, I drank this weekend, too. My uncle died, and I was up in Pennsylvania. It was kind of fun. My mom and sisters noticed that I drank much less than I used to, and my sister L, was quite supportive of me. I was happy to get home, and now be here, back with my MWO pals, and sipping my fruit juice and seltzer, sober! I think it's the hypno tapes, because I'm enjoying being sober, and the thought of having a drink tonight after drinking for two days in a row was vaguely nauseating! That's a switch!
Hugs,
KathyComment
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Re: We've come a long way....
Great idea Kathy,
I guess we're all in the midset of AA where you have to start counting over anytime you slip. Well, this is not AA because most of us don't agree with some(or all) aspects of their program. I think counting total days is a much more optomistic way to look at it. Let's see how many days from the time I was born until I was 15:lol ..... Just kidding. I like your way of thinking!
MarcieComment
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Re: We've come a long way....
Gosh you guys are great! I am so glad I found this place and all of you! You are all so right - I have to forgive myself and I can't shame myself into getting well. Today is a new day and hopefully a sober one.
One day at a time - that's one AA mantra I do agree with. I WILL be checking back often and posting and reading. I feel like I have met some great new friends here.
Have a great one everyone, I'll check back later. It's raining like HECK here and I have a little guy to get on the bus!
Love to you all - Marie
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days
Kathy,
That's great if that works for you. I know it wouldn't work for me. I don't ever want to go back to the place I was (the drinking me). No, it wouldn't be a huge failure if I one day decided to drink and stop the next day. But, I believe it takes a lot of planning and scheming (days worth), on my part, to lead up to something like that and would take me a long time mentally to get back where I am today. I wouldn't consider it a loss, but a lesson to grow on. I'd still start over in my counting, and look at the previous period as positive growth and move forward. I've grown tremendously in my past successes and failures, I wouldn't change anything. But for me I need 100% honesty in my individual program. That's what works for me. GinaComment
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anyone slip?
Hey Gina,
I think what works best is what works best for you! I admire and respect where you are coming from, and I am glad that you are doing what works for you. I don't ever want to go back to where I was either, drinking a bottle of wine a day most days... I'll take topa for the rest of my life if I have to. I am so grateful that I felt relieved to get back home to not drinking. I never thought I could feel this way about alcohol even if it were only for a few days at a time. I never knew that it was possible to not "white-knuckle" it! The "stinkin' thinkin' " does creep in periodically, though....
Just for a little insight into me, I grew up in a background where there was a lot of focus on what I did wrong and not a lot of affirmation on what I did right; it's part of what I have struggled with in AA, even though there is so much that is valuable in the program. I very much need to stay focused on my successes in MWO, especially because it is so easy for me to get down on myself and be negative. I don't need help with beating myself up, I'm really good at it. It's been harder to learn to be kind to myself. Being a therapist, I have been very aware of all the rationalizing I've done as an alcoholic as I've been doing it. Didn't stop my drinking, but I haven't had the lack of awareness of denial, ever. But being down on myself is a soul killer for me--doesn't help me at all!
One thing I did want to say though, I noticed I said that I had "fun" at the funeral in my previous post. Well, that sounds pretty cold hearted! I was actually rather sad, but I also haven't seen some of these relatives in over 5 years, and I must admit, I did truly enjoy seeing my aunt and cousins again, even though a very sad occasion. Brought up lots of childhood memories, both good and bad. My nickname for my Uncle was the "big bad bear", he was a little scary in his day.
Anyway, have a good day all! Cyberhugs!
KathyComment
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Re: anyone slip?
Hi Everyone,
Marie, I am glad this has given you an opportunity to vent. It really hit home for me when I saw it in writing that I was getting drunk 3-5 nights per week. You should read the "Hiding Alchohol" thread if you haven't already. It is a side killer!
I have decided that although in the long run I am going for moderation, I am going to shoot for 30 days of abstinence. I have been on the program for a while and really want to commit myself to a few other aspects like the All One powder cds and exercise. I just feel like it is something I have to do.
I am on day 3, wish me luck.
-NinaComment
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