Damn... starting over

[HarveyDanger]

I was here back in January and February and had some decent months then - not drinking most days of the month and not going nearly as crazy with it on the few days that I did. Then March came, and a vacation trip, so I took a vacation from my plan as well. That vacation continued through April and May and June.

Now I've gone too far. I'm depressed and making an ass of myself in front of my family on a weekly basis. I woke up Saturday with burst capillaries around my nose that are visible at conversation distance. This is the first time that's ever happened to me and I'm terrified and mortified at the same time. We're about to go to church and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to stand showing off my lack of control so vividly to all the people who see me. Don't even get me started on my terror and dread of how this will look in front of all my coworkers come Monday.

I'm deeply ashamed and scared and panicked and wish I were back to where I was in February. When church is over I'm off to pick up all the supplements again to get back started with those. I also remember what a difficult climb it was and how hard it was back in January to get as far out as I got, and I am dreading facing that again. I then get depressed that I threw that away and get more down on myself, more anxious, more depressed. It's all the stupid cycle that you read that people like me get into but that doesn't make it not real.

If life were a videogame at this point I'd turn me off or hit reset. I'm pathetic. Woe is me. Pity me. Cue the tiny violins for the poor victim here. Stupid jerk - fix yourself.
:upset:

[time2change]

Damn... starting over

Harvey
Welcome back. I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. For me remembering those first days going AF has kept me from drinking again. i never want to go through them again and I won't have to as long as I don't go back to drinking. I never thought I would be able to say that I don't want to drink again. I know that you can do this. I can hear in your post how badly you want it. Stick around here. It has really helped me and I know it will help you too.

[Doggygirl]

Damn... starting over

Hi Harvey. BOY I can relate to what you are saying. After 2 months of complete sobriety last summer after finding MWO...I just had to try the moderation / "just one" thing even though in knew in my heart that would spell disaster for me. I too had a REALLY hard time climbing back on the wagon, even though I knew how much better my life could be wtihout AL in it. Part of what made it difficult to get back on the AF wagon was knowing how difficult those first days and weeks can be.

Finall I pulled my head out of my a... oops I mean bottle, and am back to AF for 32 days. YOU CAN DO IT TOO. It's hard but you already know you can do it. It's worth it, and you already know that from how you feel right now about your drinking life.

LET'S JUST DO IT. Welcome back.

DG
Celebrating 32 Hangover Free Days!
:award: + **

[Nia70]

Damn... starting over

Hi Harvey, No advice to give really as its my first day AF for well over 5/6 years.

This day has been really wierd for me but Ive found so much support here so far and so many inspirational stories and posts that I gained quite a bit of strength/resolve from them.

I wish you the strength and resolve you need to get back on the wagon again.

Best wishes.

[biscuit]

Damn... starting over

Welcome back Harvey. You can do this. 11 Days AF for me. Read all you can here on the site.

Good Luck Biscuit

[JMT]

Damn... starting over

Harvey, we've all been there done it and heaven knows I've done it more times than I care to admit. But, you pick yourself up dont' look back because what is done is done, don't borrow problems from tomorrow, just get through today. Whether you do it like I do (one minute, second at a time) just start over. At least you are aware that it's a problem and are not walking around in denial continuing on, you are going to try and fix it again right?
I feel you pain, I understand where you are, how you feel, we all do, we've all done it but at least we have eachother to get through it!
((((HUGS))))

[HarveyDanger]

Damn... starting over

Thanks. Yeah, I was so smart that I didn't make it down to get the supps today and instead got drunk again. Wonderful. I'm so proud. Tomorrow. (yeah, I trust me...)

I've done this before. I can do this. I will do this. Thanks for all the kind words that I failed to deserve. I'll do better tomorrow.
:thanks:

[hemlock]

Damn... starting over

Hi Harvey -

I am right there with you. Last night I made an ass out of myself in front of my family and friends. Today I am just sick with regret and guilt. I am terribly embarassed and depressed. I am wondering if I will ever be able to let go - move forward - and not drink again. I want to be sober SO bad.

[greeneyes]

Damn... starting over

Dolly Sunshine had a great idea of writing down how you feel at this moment. All the gory details. And next time you think it is OK to drink, read it. Could be a big motivator to pass up that drink! Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

[HarveyDanger]

Damn... starting over

Yes

Thanks Renegade. I found things to do for a part of the afternoon, but unfortunately not enough. It's amazing how slowly time passes when you're sober. What a lot of things I found I could get done in a day earlier this year when I managed to get there! :-)

But really - how do you fill your time when you're sober? That was one thing I never got. My vacation killed me on that when March came - how on earth could I fill day after day without work or anything else to do? It sounds stupid, but come on - life is boring. Or (I hope) maybe I'm just blind to it...

[JMT]

Damn... starting over

I have found and know that life is much more exciting when I'm drunk because I perceive it that way. In all actuality it's alot less exciting because I'm either to lit to go do anything and sit at home or I'm so hungover, I sit at home.
Sober, I do the things I love and enjoy doing, cycling, hiking, being with my husband and daughter and can remember everything we do. Yes, I always have that little "voice" in the back of my head about a beer sure would be good right now, but me personally a beer leads to a 12 pack and more if available so I have to just steer clear of it all together. IF I fall again, which I'm determined to TRY and not to, I'll get back up and keep fighting that's all I can do, I can't let this thing beat me.

[HarveyDanger]

Damn... starting over

Thanks, everyone. I'm officially rolling the status to "hungover" because I can feel that's where it's gone. My Monday pre-dawn jog and then work in the morning will help me for many hours - a trip to pick up the supplements during lunch hopefully will help kickstart the rest of day 1. Goodnight from day 0 from this zero.

[JMT]

Damn... starting over

Hey Harvey, I hope your night went ok and I hope today goes better for you!! Thinking of you!

[KBCE]

Damn... starting over

Hey Harvey - a "zero" you are NOT. Get back up on your feet and start over. NONE of us are perfect - I was AF for 14 days, then blew it, then was AF for a few days until unfortunately my trigger - my best friend - came over with a bottle of wine yesterday while I was cooking. Did not overindulge but drank wine when I did not want to. I start again today. Download the book - it is great. I read and re-read it alot. I also got the Kudzo hoping that it would snap me out of this. You know, I feel so much better when I DON'T drink...do all I have to say to myself is DUH!!! Why the heck do we do this? What a beast it is. Good thoughts coming your way. YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THIS! These people here are the best and have really supported me in my stupidity....