This forum has a very good feeling and although its taking me a bit longer each day reading than I'd like, its worth every minute. thanks to you all.
Part of my reflections at the moment are around what am I trying to achieve. I know that I spent many years putting myself last before my kids and not allowing myself to grow - and there are varied reasons for this but I have to take responsibility for it myself.
I've just had visitors (an OLD school friend) and I have a complicated relationship with this girlfriend of mine, but we have known each other so long we keep trying. When we were at school we were very very close and spent our gap year together. Part of our problem is that we (well at least I do) try to recapture what we had, rather than trying to find something new and that really complicates our relationship.
I think its the same with alcahol. Initially I thought, I'd like to go back (note BACK) to being able to just have a few drinks and then stopping. But the thought of going back is not the right one.. because that takes me back to the beginning of this slippery slope. I have to go forward and find a new relationship with alcahol and also with myself.
This forces me to address issues within me - particularly my willingness to run from emotion and also to not trust those around me to help me when I'm struggling. At the core of this, I think is relearning a new reality about my own self worth which I'm finding quite exhausting right now....
These are all deep seated issues which I find very confronting and ironically think a few drinks may help me address them better!!!!, however, that would be to go back and I'm not going to do that.
Thats me for today.
Brigid
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