my first post...

[evie]

my first post...

:welcome: Alchemy -Just try to start. Best off to post in the 'just starting out' section and hopefully you will get a very warm welcome.
Hi PSB69 - Just want to say welcome - your openness and honesty really touched me and I'm glad you have found this site.
Eviex

[psb69]

my first post...

Thanks for the posts, I've been single for 8 years now and only had 2 girlfriends ever.

Not bad for 31, but the chase is the thrill. As Morrissey said, "Will Never Marry..."!

Get bored so quickly, usually 1 or 2 dates or after... Girls you really don't want to meet me as I can also
be such a charmer, but it's all a front.

Underneath is rivers of hurt, a hope long lost. Sobriety, a mind that never stops thinking. Drink dulls, as a brief sojourn, then gives me a kicking. Blackness, nerves shredded like stanley though imagined equanimity. Imagine death, imagine eternal panic.

Music, my first love, rarely touches me anymore. Emotions last felt many moons ago. Tears last shed way too long ago. No release.

Self pity. So full of it it's as real as the blood that runs through me. Does blood run through me?

Hope springs eternal.

[Nia70]

my first post...

Hi psb, there is a lot of truth in the saying that if you cant learn to love yourself then how can others be expected to?

Dont want to go into too much detail about my background but I had a pretty emotionally empty and/or angst ridden childhood. Problem is you do start to build a wall around yourself - as Pink Floyd so eloquently put it.

Until you can start feeling again you will be permanently in a void. Have you ever had any counselling?

[boozehag]

my first post...

Hi psb
You would be surprised how many people on here expressed similar feelings to you when starting out about not being abe to let go of the drink and about being boring etc. The cornerstone of the program is to get 30 days AF and believe me you can do it. One day at a time (ODAT). You would be absolutely amazed at how different your outlook would be once you get there. There are lots of us on here who were in a really bad place starting off and have achieved much on this site. My advice is read the posts - identify your own plan and hit the road. Once you get on a run of days AF and join with others who are doing so it will really help. The main thing is you have to get a PLAN as if you were about to train for a marathon or climb a mountain or something like that. Its a big challege but the rewards are amazing. Hopefully very soon you will be able to look back at that post and wonder if you were really in such a bad place.
Good luck.
Keep posting.
BH (no more)

[psb69]

my first post...

Hi Nia70,

No, never found talking helped. I've got a loving mum and dad, and a really well balanced and happy brother and sister that don't do anything like me. People have been through millions of times more than me and much better inside. Crazy really, there's so much real sadness and people have had such terrible childhoods.

Had so many girls that want relationships, really fit ones too...But it's all too late. Intimacy one of many issues ha ha. It's all overrated anyway, and i wouldn't wish my mood swings on my worst enemy!

Think im undiagnosed manic depressive, but as I'm sure you know the mental health side of the nhs is shocking. My doctor told me not to drink too much, not to take drugs etc like I didn't know that and it was so easy, then said there was no spaces available for therapy - and it didn't help that I missed an appointment with a pyschiatrist about 10 years ago....!!!

"Walk in silence,
Don't walk away, in silence.
See the danger,
Always danger,
Endless talking,
Life rebuilding,
Don't walk away."

p.s. i'm ok when im on an upper. we are h a p p y!!!

[psb69]

my first post...

Was mainly depressed from the age of 12, didn't start drinking until i was 18.

It's there, it's as real as teeth. Sure quitting drinking would help, but not enjoying anything and the frustration inside takes me back to drinking a couple of times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

If I can make the weekend, and the second weekend the not drinking would be easier. But what the hell do you do with yourself? Excercise becomes boring. As does feeling good, clean and healthy.

Self destruct. Buy 20 fags. Probably smoke 30. Regret, a promise to never do it again. Boredom, willpower like Anne Diamond with a bag of crisps.

And the cycle begins. Eternal cycle. Infernal cycle.

F***king hell, I would make Robert Smith on a comedown sound like the Teletubbies.

Apologies to the Americans et al for the British references...!

p.s. can't stand depressed people. Can't understand them, they irritate me, little empathy, don't deserve it myself.

[IAD]

my first post...

THIS WAS MY FIRST POST, BACK IN 79" ( US ARMY ! HA!) TAKE CARE KEEP POSTING ! IAD!

[Red-Wine]

my first post...

Alchemy - you did just post your first post - if you want to start your own thread, click the 'new thread' thinger above whichever section you want to post in - lol ! look at me giving advice, I had to ask yesterday how to send a PM.

Good Luck x