:new: I hope this ends up in the right spot so you can give me some advice? This is a long one - sorry.
My situation
I have been married 10yrs this year to x, I have a 2.5yr old z. I love x and z they mean the world to me. All in all my life is great, good job, home etc. X and I have an open and honest relationship, don't fight badly but I am scared this is all about to slip away.
X and I used to party with drugs and alcohol, extasy, coke, marijuana, beer and spirits. We could have be considered extremists.
X gave up cigis and marijuana in a day. I gave up marijuana easily but it took me till I fell preg with z to give up everything else.
X has continued drinking and occasional drug use. Because the drug use has decreased the alcohol is affecting him more.
His drinking has been a prob for about 2 yrs now. He binges. He was the one who told me he thought he had a drinking problem. His sollutions have been to do the following
- not drink for 8 weeks at a time, and get really fit instead (didn't work but didn't make the binge worse )
- if he had more than 4 drinks in a sitting he would binge so he has tried a 4 drink rule - doesn't really work consistently or rather if I am not around.
- he has booked and is seeing one of the best drug and alcohol counselers who's solution was to still aim for the 4 drinks a day max, and to write down what happened after a binge this didn't work and x didn't write in the book ( this was after the first session with dr )
- second session I was asked to go, dr asked me to see a dr about my feelings of hurt re x's drinking, x to still have 4 drink minimum and 1 night / mth agreed on by both x and me where he could have more than 4 - did not work
- third session , not with me , dr said 4 drink max, no to the drug option 2 drink free days / week and keep a drink diary - had 2 benders consecutively 2 days after the dr appointment.
x's benders include going out to a work lunch or meeting a potential client in the evening or going to the football in the evening say 6pm, ending up at a pub, not coming home, possibly getting a friend to drive him to pick z up from child care if he has gone to lunch, either calling me to tell me he will be home in an hr and not coming home till between 2 - 9 the next morning , or not calling me at all. He often will go out with people who are friends but when they go home he makes new friends or hooks on to "old friends he hasn't seen for a while' and will do this till the sun comes up? In his repetoire he has slept on church steps in the city once, on the street down at the beach once, in a mates care, he has lost several jackets, mobiles etc, has come home with a black eye once, a broken rib once, i have had to pick him up several times and most recently he came home at 7am with a mates mountain bike and told me he had had 4 extasy pills but had had a sleep!!!! this was on the day he is responsible for looking after z!!!! he will often do this when he is responsible for looking after z the next day which means I do, as I would never leave z with x when he was not 100% straight.
this is his monthly cycle
tues - go out
wed get home betw 2 - 9am and sleep( I will look after z at work or my mum will
thurs hung over will work and sleep and start feeling like he has a flu
fri tired will work be really sleepy on the couch at night because' he has the flu'!!
sat will feel a bit better but will not go out
sun will drink and potenitally have a bender
mon if had a bender will come home btw 2 - 9am I will take z to work
he will have btw 1 and 2 weeks between bender weeks
After the last bender I asked him really nicely to go stay at his parents till I saw the dr his dr suggested as I needed time to get my head straight as I was over the repeat behaviour that he know hurts me and is potentially leading to us breaking up. He was totally understanding and went. I asked him to write me a plan of what he was going to do about his drinking and our relationship so i new what to ask my dr . He wrote up a contract which he left me it was 4 drinks a day max, 6 drinks on holidays but only 4 in a sitting!, no coke and 2 days no drinking - so really he has added drinks. and 2 days without drinks
I have seen the dr I was meant to who really didn't offer much info on why x repeatedly does what hurts us, apart from going to al anon and possibly seeing a marriage counselor.
I went to Al anon for the first time the other day - love it highly recomend it and will definately continue to go.
x is coming back into the house tomorrow to stay - hopefully. I was going to say his contract should be 4 no more on hols or not, no drugs not just no coke, 4 days alcohol free.
One thing I got from Al anon is to have boundaries and that it is up to him to make this work. So I am just going to say that I have zero tolerance to him being drunk and hung over around me and z inside our house and on holidays. I also want to see a marriage counselor.
I am nervous that he will just end up never being at home because of the zero tollerance and if so how long do I let that go on as the next step would be separating which I ultimately don't want but I can not stand around and watch him destroy himself and family especialy if it is all up to the drinker to get over it and decide to abstain.
Have any of you done or experienced zero tollerance and for how long and what happened.(i am interested in both sides)
Also the fact that he will say to me he needs to stop all together ( after a bender ) and that he is actually seeing a counselor ( although is not telling him everything as he prob doesn't remember) and that he also says he would never give it up altogether - is this all just manipulation.
And how can I help him to stop his denial or to remember stuff with him getting defensive and feeling attacked.
Can you tell I am confused?!! I am just starting to doubt him and his word in general and that hurts as I believe love comes from trust.
Is it not really odd that the victim has to be the one that is uber sensitive, understanding, patient etc of the abusers feelings when they are the ones doing the hurt to both themselves and the victims?
My situation
I have been married 10yrs this year to x, I have a 2.5yr old z. I love x and z they mean the world to me. All in all my life is great, good job, home etc. X and I have an open and honest relationship, don't fight badly but I am scared this is all about to slip away.
X and I used to party with drugs and alcohol, extasy, coke, marijuana, beer and spirits. We could have be considered extremists.
X gave up cigis and marijuana in a day. I gave up marijuana easily but it took me till I fell preg with z to give up everything else.
X has continued drinking and occasional drug use. Because the drug use has decreased the alcohol is affecting him more.
His drinking has been a prob for about 2 yrs now. He binges. He was the one who told me he thought he had a drinking problem. His sollutions have been to do the following
- not drink for 8 weeks at a time, and get really fit instead (didn't work but didn't make the binge worse )
- if he had more than 4 drinks in a sitting he would binge so he has tried a 4 drink rule - doesn't really work consistently or rather if I am not around.
- he has booked and is seeing one of the best drug and alcohol counselers who's solution was to still aim for the 4 drinks a day max, and to write down what happened after a binge this didn't work and x didn't write in the book ( this was after the first session with dr )
- second session I was asked to go, dr asked me to see a dr about my feelings of hurt re x's drinking, x to still have 4 drink minimum and 1 night / mth agreed on by both x and me where he could have more than 4 - did not work
- third session , not with me , dr said 4 drink max, no to the drug option 2 drink free days / week and keep a drink diary - had 2 benders consecutively 2 days after the dr appointment.
x's benders include going out to a work lunch or meeting a potential client in the evening or going to the football in the evening say 6pm, ending up at a pub, not coming home, possibly getting a friend to drive him to pick z up from child care if he has gone to lunch, either calling me to tell me he will be home in an hr and not coming home till between 2 - 9 the next morning , or not calling me at all. He often will go out with people who are friends but when they go home he makes new friends or hooks on to "old friends he hasn't seen for a while' and will do this till the sun comes up? In his repetoire he has slept on church steps in the city once, on the street down at the beach once, in a mates care, he has lost several jackets, mobiles etc, has come home with a black eye once, a broken rib once, i have had to pick him up several times and most recently he came home at 7am with a mates mountain bike and told me he had had 4 extasy pills but had had a sleep!!!! this was on the day he is responsible for looking after z!!!! he will often do this when he is responsible for looking after z the next day which means I do, as I would never leave z with x when he was not 100% straight.
this is his monthly cycle
tues - go out
wed get home betw 2 - 9am and sleep( I will look after z at work or my mum will
thurs hung over will work and sleep and start feeling like he has a flu
fri tired will work be really sleepy on the couch at night because' he has the flu'!!
sat will feel a bit better but will not go out
sun will drink and potenitally have a bender
mon if had a bender will come home btw 2 - 9am I will take z to work
he will have btw 1 and 2 weeks between bender weeks
After the last bender I asked him really nicely to go stay at his parents till I saw the dr his dr suggested as I needed time to get my head straight as I was over the repeat behaviour that he know hurts me and is potentially leading to us breaking up. He was totally understanding and went. I asked him to write me a plan of what he was going to do about his drinking and our relationship so i new what to ask my dr . He wrote up a contract which he left me it was 4 drinks a day max, 6 drinks on holidays but only 4 in a sitting!, no coke and 2 days no drinking - so really he has added drinks. and 2 days without drinks
I have seen the dr I was meant to who really didn't offer much info on why x repeatedly does what hurts us, apart from going to al anon and possibly seeing a marriage counselor.
I went to Al anon for the first time the other day - love it highly recomend it and will definately continue to go.
x is coming back into the house tomorrow to stay - hopefully. I was going to say his contract should be 4 no more on hols or not, no drugs not just no coke, 4 days alcohol free.
One thing I got from Al anon is to have boundaries and that it is up to him to make this work. So I am just going to say that I have zero tolerance to him being drunk and hung over around me and z inside our house and on holidays. I also want to see a marriage counselor.
I am nervous that he will just end up never being at home because of the zero tollerance and if so how long do I let that go on as the next step would be separating which I ultimately don't want but I can not stand around and watch him destroy himself and family especialy if it is all up to the drinker to get over it and decide to abstain.
Have any of you done or experienced zero tollerance and for how long and what happened.(i am interested in both sides)
Also the fact that he will say to me he needs to stop all together ( after a bender ) and that he is actually seeing a counselor ( although is not telling him everything as he prob doesn't remember) and that he also says he would never give it up altogether - is this all just manipulation.
And how can I help him to stop his denial or to remember stuff with him getting defensive and feeling attacked.
Can you tell I am confused?!! I am just starting to doubt him and his word in general and that hurts as I believe love comes from trust.
Is it not really odd that the victim has to be the one that is uber sensitive, understanding, patient etc of the abusers feelings when they are the ones doing the hurt to both themselves and the victims?
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