I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

[RockyRoad]

Why can't we be alone with our thoughts? My thoughts are not that of a contented, but a tormented person. I have never been contented. I have ALWAYS, my whole life, either been angry, panicked, nervous or afraid. I took the 'empty-nesting' very hard a few years ago. The only time I was ever truly, intermittently happy was when I was over-parenting my children. Everything happened at our house; sleepovers, birthday parties, taking in strays. It is sooo-so very quiet here now. My two 'normal' children have moved on - in their early 20's and very busy and self-absorbed and they have a brother who is disabled and is home with me every day now so I had to quit a career I LOVED and we live in the country and it's just him and me during the day and I can't leave the house to take a class or do anything without him or a $20/HR nurse and I don't have close neighbors. FYI - I don't know if I would leave the house if I could (at this stage of my addiction) so this is not me throwing a pity-party. If-there's-a-will/there's-a-way, but there never seems to be A WILL for me any longer. I'm just not quite sure what to do. I have to make my son's meals and bathe him and brush his teeth and he mostly just moans a lot all day and keeps to himself and rocks back-and-forth in a chair. I'm afraid all the time of what will become of him when I finally do myself in with the booze, and at the same time, I'm so profoundly sad all of the time and just can't stand to feel it, not even for a day. I used to make fun of my mother for her EXTREME religious beliefs, but now I envy the peace it brought her. I call it her ?drug-of-choice?. She never watched the news or read the paper ? didn?t believe in it ? to depressing. We could only have church music playing in our house and she would sing along at the top of her lungs and she sounded like a 'catfight' but she really banged it out there ! My friends used to stand outside my windows and laugh(small commmunity of less than 500). She made all of her children (myself included) take Hammond Organ lessons so-as-to accompany the church choir, but we could only play church music in the home-PERIOD - nothing Hedonistic mind you. I haven't touched an instrument since I managed to escape. (I have managed to touch a couple of organs though...wink-wink) I will burn in HELL any way you look at it.

[gabby1go]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Rocky Road,

You sound profoundly sad. I know you must feel very isolated and it is probably very easy to turn to AL. Can you do something to keep your mind occupied? Maybe an online course? I took some not too long ago and they were great. It really took my mind off of the booze and actually got me "thinking" again. Do you read? Garden? Just trying to think of things you can do to keep you busy and happy throughout the day. I don't have much advice to offer other than try and be strong and know that I am thinking of you. Gabby.

[lorisunshine]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Oh, Rocky, welcome to MWO and thank you for sharing your life with us.
I cannot even begin to try and put my feet into your shoes, you really have your hands full. I think that you are trying to fill an enormous void with alcohol and you probably know that. I can also emphatize with the religious upbringing and again yes, you are right, it is also a drug of choice.
You are a caregiver 24/7 and if you read the statistics they are not encouraging if you don't get help or a break on a regular basis. You will burn out and you are already smoldering at the edges. There is no shame in asking for help; you owe it to yourself, your health and your sanity. As you said yourself, where there is a will there is a way.

Even if you could only work parttime in order to get out of the house and if all your earnings went straight to the nursing care, I think it would make a huge difference to you.
Be nice to yourself and don't be so hard on you.
I am so thinking of you and I want to give you a big hug,
Lori

[IAD]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

I can't be left with my thought either ! Ha! Not to make levity of your situation ! Post and people here will help ! Everyone deals thier own way, I with levity! In case you have'nt seen ! Take Care, we're hear to help ! LOL! IAD!

[RockyRoad]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Thanks to you all for the quick responses and the kind words. I guess the longer I sit here and type the shorter I don't drink.

OK - IAD - I hope you don't get offended or aren't running with scissors right now, but your graphics are a HOOT! How old are you? You've certainly been a member for a long time. You're compassionate post and ghoulish graphics reminded me of my 20 something son - METALOCLYPSE, CHUCKEE and the like. The thing is, I witnessed my son accidentally run over a toad with the lawn tractor last summer and it brought tears to his eyes. 1st - DO NO HARM. You metal guys are a hard-candy-coated shell with a creamy filling.

I have books - WHOA - do I have books: Conversations With God 1,2, &3 - A New Earth - Eat/Pray/Love - The Argument For Christ. - Edgar Cayce's Complete Works ? you-name-it/ I-have-it! (but-didn?t-get-anything-out-of-it) I search and search and search for the lightening bolt that is going to strike my heart as I turn the pages but mostly my mind just wanders. Beautiful trees surround me. I have Cardinals and Humming Birds and Bluebirds and Rose-Breasted Grosbeaks sitting on the feeders outside my kitchen window as I write. There are Doe and Fawn in the field. The sky is a beautiful shade of pale blue. My children are healthy. I have a brand new van for transporting my disabled son. My house is not in foreclosure nor am I in a flood zone. My life is a good one, if you're looking at me from the outside in. I have no explanation for my condition. Legacy - YES - Excuses - No.

I HATE being physically alone. My husband thinks it should be enough that I care for our son and he is in the house with me all day. It infuriates him when I say I?m lonely. He tells me it is insulting to him and our son. I crave dialogue and sharing ideas and being creative, and at the end of my day of silence, and my husband craves my silence at the end of his day at the office. Thanks for giving me someone to type to.

[IAD]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

ROCKY....I'M YOUNG AT HEART ! I DEAL A LITLE DIFFERENT THAN MOST..I JUST RETIRED FROM THE FEDERAL GOVT. ( NOT ALLOWED TO TELL WHAT AGENGY I WORKED FOR ) I'VE SEEN LOT'S OF CRAP, SO I'M NOT A IDIOT. I'M HERE TO HELP. I TAKE CARE OF MY BUSSINESS DIFFERENTLY THAN MOST...WELCOME,,, IAD! SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOST....I'M SORRY TO SAY I'VE SEEN A LOT OF THE SAME..MY JOB TOOK ME TO PLCES WHERE THIER ARE A LOT OF TERRIBLE THINGS GOING ON ! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ! IAD! I][/B]

[hippie37]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Hi Rocky I now that feeling well of 'loneliness' as I suffered too while in a relationship with my now ex-partner. I'm a musician myself and was classically trained in pianoforte!!. I do miss the creative outlet a lot of being able to sit down and write and play music when the moments take me. I think though the loneliness with me came about because I only had alcohol as my best friend. My obsession with it was what kept me from being able to show any real feelings and emotion apart from all the negative ones like frustration, anxiety and anger etc. I had a loving girlfriend, a beautiful baby daughter, a good job (although not legit!) and a good home and like you if people were to look at me they would think nothing untoward about my life. Yes I admit I am a party animal and always have been but really this was just a front for hiding behind because I was still so unhappy inside. Once I gained some independence from 'the bottle' though I was able to do a lot of soul searching which I'm glad to say has finally started to benefit me. I think I too was waiting for some bolt of lightening to kick start my new life as a sober person and the more I ended up searching for it the further and further away it got. Reminds me of the guy who went insane trying to take a close up photograph of the horizon!!. I always felt I needed to be searching for the answers rather than just letting the answers find me. When I stopped searching things just seemed to become easier and I became less agitated with not being able to find the 'holy grail'. Don't get me wrong I think I needed to do the searching in order to get to where I am today but I do feel a hell of a lot more at peace with myself these days.

I really wish you well with whatever it is you're searching for but remember it will get easier as time goes by and you learn to let go. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say!! (god I hate cliches!!)

By the way I'm a 38 yr old 'mosher' but a hippie at heart!!!!

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[RockyRoad]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Yes and indeed...may God have mercy on our souls. I am crying now. Baking cookies. My son is with a nurse for a couple of hours and this 29 YO nurse has Cancer. I am making dinner for her family while she is entertaining my disabled son. I don't look at her and feel blessed that I don't have 'The Big-C' yet, I look at her and feel so sick to my stomach that I don't want to feel anything about anything anymore. Gotta' go - my cookies are done...

[IAD]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

[B]Rocky...My father died of the big "C"...It sucks !!!! I can remmeber my father telling me durning the ordeal..."Son even a Chinese DR. can't save my ass now ! " to the end he was a jokester ! Try to remmember the good times, mate. He died too young, me and my bothers and sisters have been taking care of my mother. She's next......Savor the moments you have with your Relitives ! It is ment for all of us to leave this world.....Let us be ready for the next ! ( Christ died for us ! ) IAD. [ /B]

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Rocky,

There are lot of boards online for caregivers, maybe you could communicate with some of those people. Do you have any pets? I love dogs and they keep me busy. If you are in a neighborhood where you can walk the dog you will know everyone! Trust me, sometimes I can't get my neighbors to stop talking to me! You did mention you are in the country though so I'm not sure if that would happen. How about doing something for YOU? When the nurse is there do something that will get you out and talking to other people. Maybe even to talk to a therapist, the good ones are sooo worth it. I also highly recommend SAMe and Sceletium for depression. It seemed prescription antidepressants fed my drinking, heck they made me start drinking in the first place!

I hope you feel less lonely soon :l

Myheart

[RockyRoad]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Yes - thanks for all the ideas and even taking the time to read & write. I have always had a certain type of people in my life because I feel sorry for everything and everybody. Yes -I am out in the country on a few acres - because of our son - because he LOVES to SING at the top of his lungs (badly) and swim naked (he has the body of Buddha) and swear...and damn...I would love to discover and unlock the key to his pure joy, and without sounding vein or self-serving, I think most of it is how much he is loved, so why can't I give some of that back to me? We bought this home as we thought it would bring him the most joy in his limited lifetime. I love the privacy for him - just not the isolation for me - and the location isn't the isolation - it's the situation - for him and me both.

OMG -AM I A RAPPER!!! DAMN...

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

You are FUNNY!

Have you read "codependent no more"?

[RockyRoad]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

I guess I got off the beaten path to both IAD and MYHEARTISDRENCHEDINWINE. 1st, to thank everyone for even taking the time to post. I know people have to pick & choose because of time constraints and attraction.

To IAD: My mom passed of colon cancer at the age of 65 after 7 years of suffering, and this is NOT the way I want to exit the universe. She didn't drink, smoke, talk-dirty or be happy. She prayed ALL OF THE TIME. After her surgery, she walked 2 miles a day and became a vegetarian. I was 22 at the time. My dad passed when I was 12 while he was driving a school bus, trying to supplement our household income. He was 58. He owned a Tavern. He drank whiskey for breakfast. It's a Coin Flip!!! I don't have a good chance comin' or goin'. Thanks for your time and attention...XOX

[IAD]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Rocky, take care, we all hurt one way or another ! Pain is pain !, no matter what !! Our life is a long and hard road....Some of us have more bumps than others ! Counting bumps is ridiculous ! It's like the falousy of the beard. " How many hairs make a beard ? " Who cares ! Hang in thier....we all have pain, one way or another....That's why we can sit and listen !!! LOL! IAD!

[magic]

I Can't Be Alone with My Thought's

Oh Rocky,

I have read your previous posts sweetheart.

I'm gonna put it on the line here and tell you what I think.

You must stop living your life for and through your son and begin living it FOR YOU before it's too late. I imagine you love him with each and every breath you take but that doesn't mean you have to do this to yourself. Get some help and get away for a bit, each and every day.

Of course you have a "good chance". We all do.
But I think you need to change things round, to your benefit and no one else's.

Let others help you with your son, you concentrate on you.

My very best thoughts are with you Rocky,

magic xxx