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    crying out for some help

    Ok so now I've really done a number on myself last night. While dreaming about my Mom, who past away a little over a year ago, I was woke up and being that I had already drank 4 LARGE glasses of wine, proceeded to let a sort of "ex" boyfriend into my apartment. He's not a bad guy but I'm just not interested in pursuing this thing that he calls "love".

    Big-big mistake to let him in, i allowed myself to be physically abused, I ALLOWED MYSELF! I have got to get some help here, I am absolutely lost here in Oregon and want to go back home to Atlanta where things used to be so normal.

    I have to try to stop drinking for 30 days, so this will be my first day. I was going to try on June 10, (My Birthday), really stupid thing to try on my b-day. I say, well why not..Only 30 days, it will be a fun thing to do. Ok, that was back on June 10th and although I haven't had a drink every single day since June 10th, last night was just to much.:upset:

    You know I remember having my birthday and back in Atlanta I used to have so many friends. One birthday me and about 15 of my friends, co-workers and all were sitting on the sun deck at Cheesecake Factory when I saw this huge rainbow, which symbolizes Gods Promise. I started to cry right there in front of everyone because it meant so much to see that rainbow on my birthday.

    When I was driving home from the vet, (my cat has a huge lump in her throat), I had forgotten my keys and didn't realize it because I always have a spare set in my purse. So I turned around to see yet another huge rainbow, this was the biggest one I had ever seen. I mean it reached from one side of the sky to the other! Since I was let go from my job at the Pharmacy, I feel like God was still there looking down on me.

    I'm so scared and now black and blue in places that I shouldn't be. I mean this has got to stop now and I will be checking in every single day until I can get this monkey off my back.

    So please help, any words of encouragement would really help out and I'll try to be in a better mood as time goes by.

    #2
    crying out for some help

    I hear what you are saying

    I feel your pain, anger anger and guilt...we do allow alcohol to rule our better judgement, don't we. I to lost my mother...it will be 5 years in August....than, 6 months later my beloved doberman died in my arms, 5 months later, my grandmother, a year later my wonderful special horse and 7 months later, my grandfather. I think so many of us hold onto the booze because it's predictable and also allows us to give ourselves permission to behave in ways we think we would else wise. Truth is...we don't abuse alcohol, we abuse ourselves using alcohol. And because we value our selves as less than we should, we allow other's to, as well. We would rather feel the hangover and self loathing over regrettable actions than to feel the real pain buried deep in our hearts and souls.
    You keep looking for you r Rainbows...yes, they are sent to you from a Loving Heavenly Father that is so crazy about you that He promises neer to leave you or forsake you....no matter how stupid we act!! Hugs...keep going...our mothers want better for us!!

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      #3
      crying out for some help

      so sorry you got hurt guy...this is a great place....welcome and hope your cat is going to be okay
      dove

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        #4
        crying out for some help

        Hello Guy and welcome, been there done that so don't feel alone, just be glad you found this place and try to take time to read through some old posts if you haven't already done so. There is some powerful stuff here. Keep posting and welcome again.

        Lx
        Rather die standing, than live on my knees, begging Please..... No More.......

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          #5
          crying out for some help

          Welcome Guy, I'm glad you found us.

          I'm so very sorry about your mom. I've lost mine too.
          Many of us here have lost our mothers, some while they were very young.
          Grief is a heavy hurdle.

          I dream about mine often. I look upon the dream as a visit of sorts and am usually glad she came.

          I'm not sure how one can allow ones self to be physically abused but any man that would do that to anyone is not a good guy. I'm really sorry about that too.

          Perhaps it's time now to plan your return home. Loneliness is a trigger for many.
          Congratulations on you decision to go for 30 days AF. Hang around here a while. It's a good place.

          magic xxxx

          Oh, and hey, follow your rainbow.
          ~Are you looking for the Holy One?
          I am in the next seat.
          My shoulder is against yours. ~Kabir

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            #6
            crying out for some help

            yes god does work in mystis ways . and just give it your best . to deal with life test and that is what they are is test to make you stronger sure you can drink them but you get is back to where you were before ..you want to try to help yourself and you can ..just do your best live life . learn ,reading, find anyway that will work for you . just keep on trying .. you can do this and we are here for you ..
            goodluck peace, love and god bless
            :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
            best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

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              #7
              crying out for some help

              You really hit my heart strings and I appreciate it so much because it made sense. Drinking allows me to think in a numb way, or stops me from thinking at all and is a release for me to not feel any pain inside.

              I'm not to much of a social drinker, just wine sipping while watching tv. After last night, I realize that its not okay anymore.

              Speaking of t.v., Guy Smiley was my favorite puppet in Sesame Street, I'll think of Guy while I try this out and get myself together. There are so many rainbows ahead. Thank you so much and may God bless you and keep you safe from alcohol in many days ahead.

              Comment


                #8
                crying out for some help

                Is so precious to dream about my Mom and last night I was actually talking to her like she was right beside me carrying on a conversation. It felt like she had never gone and I was my old self again because she was there, to hug me and tell me everything would be OK now.

                I look forward to those types of dreams because I know I can dream angels.

                Thank you to all of you and in 30 days maybe I'll be able to encourage a Newbie just like all of you have done for me today.

                Comment


                  #9
                  crying out for some help

                  Stick around here, Guy...you will find wonderful support. You should never be in a position where you let someone hurt you!!!! And you can learn to be ok whether in Atlanta or Alaska...it is not about where you are but who you are.

                  Try for 30, but my recommendation is to download the book and check out the other suggestions...suppliments etc...

                  and come here often.

                  Welcome

                  Beth
                  formerly known as bak310

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                    #10
                    crying out for some help

                    Hello from Oregon

                    Hi Guy Smiley,
                    Hang in there and stay with us. I've also stopped and then started before, but getting resources and help like on this site eventually have begun to take hold.

                    Please know that there is someone else here in Oregon who is thinking of you. I'm also a transplant, and it was hard at first but now I wouldn't live anywhere else. And I'm just starting to see how much more beautiful it could be AF.
                    PS: I have cats too! Hope yours is OK.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      crying out for some help

                      You know, I have so much going for me, college - church - getting new carpet in my apartment - I get to volunteer at American Red Cross - I get to take care of Elderly and will soon start College at Marylhurst, Gerontology Program. I also love Portland because its so darn beautiful here! There's so much to see and do and so many positive things that I know are going to happen.

                      My kitty-cats will be OK and so will I. Life keeps happening and I plan on meeting people and going places because there has been more good people in my life then there has been bad. There's a Gym to work out at and I think I'll start to do that to. Maybe even hang out in some downtown Coffee Shops.

                      Yeah, it was not a fun night and these bruises on my body told me that this has got to stop. The first time I thought about this, (on my B-day), he happened to take me out that night and we shared a bottle of wine. Now that its over between both of us, I will give to myself that Birthday present and will allow myself to become AF. Who needs it anyways?!

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                        #12
                        crying out for some help

                        I will definately download the book and thanks.

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                          #13
                          crying out for some help

                          Welcome. You can do 30 days! You just have to start and stay strong. We can help. Gabby.
                          Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

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                            #14
                            crying out for some help

                            These guys have said it all - and you are just sooo welcome - as you stop drinking you will begin to feel better about yourself - just keep logging on to this site - alcoholism is a lonely disease largely because of the stigma associated with it but on this site there is no judgement only warm and friendly people who know what you are going through - they can help you get through this . . . . .
                            Short term goal 7 days AF

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                              #15
                              crying out for some help

                              hey guys and gals

                              :thanksay number 2 - hmmm, feels perfect.

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