Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

[HarveyDanger]

I'm a nervous wreck and I'm twitching and kicking my leg and I can't make it stop and my mind is spinning in circles. I didn't sleep last night. I hate this. Was doing so well this week staying strong and blew it all to hell Friday and Saturday. I know I just keep posting but I'm trying to find something to do to stay occupied and maybe to shed some of the guilt and shame I'm hauling right now. I wish I could just go away forever. Neither I nor anyone else would ever have to deal with me again. I have so many blessings and have no idea how to live. I never imagined I could turn out to be a failure like this. My wife was trying to drag me to church this morning, and that's the last thing I wanted. I know God is supposed to be loving and forgiving but all I can see when I go there lately is my own failure reflecting back at me. There is no forgiveness there for me right now because I can't forgive myself. I'm in a very bleak place. I'm exhausted. I'm afraid I haven't really "hit bottom" and this will keep going. I won't be honest with my wife about this partially because I want to fix it and partially because I don't. Somehow it helps me when I see other people posting these kinds of sentiments to know I'm not alone, and I think it's helping me to write to get this out now. Please be patient while I freak out on your board. I'm hoping I can remember to just live this minute, this hour, this day and not get overwhelmed. You can do anything for one second, for one minute, for one hour. Anything. Anything. I hope.

[brittzak]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

I so know exactly how you feel. I have been so sick and so depressed at times I wanted to give up too, but then didnt wat to say it outloud in fear I couldnt give it up and a part of me did want to drink also. I think we can all relate here. What means of outside support have you tried? have you read RJ's book? Went to AA, tried the supps???? There are many means to sobriety, the key is to never give up.

[Mad Mummy]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Hey Harvey, Your post really cried out to me - you sound as if you are truly wrestling with this AL thing. I'm sorry I don't know your background at all but do think it sounds as if you might need to consider seeing a doctor if that's at all possible. I know they can give you stuff to get you through this kind of s**t!

Really thinking of you and pushing strength across the ether to you.

Bx

[Red-Wine]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Harvey, hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself.

There are many of us who have done the same thing, it does'nt mean you are a failure, just that we are all fragile, and alcohol is relentless in trying to seduce you sometimes.

The important thing, is that you don't give up - keep telling yourself ' I CAN do this' because you truly can.

Are you taking something to calm you ? i.e. valium ? take something to help you sleep as well.

hugs,

Mary

[Cinders]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Harvey.

Yes. There are so many of us who relate to your post. Truly.

Take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or one minute at a time.

Seriously.

You can do it.

I hate to say that, because "you can do it" encompasses a lot.

But you can.

Do you want to live?? Do you want to be Happy?? Do you want to face life head on??

Nope? Go back to your old ways...

Otherwise, hang on. Hang on, do it, fight, make it right. You can do this.

Love,
Cindi

Oh, and from someone else just like you. It is so worth it. Every second sober is amazing. Amazing....

[jessie]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Hi Harvey,
I was there the whole of Friday night, could not sleep a wink. Anxious, panicky, nervous, unable to settle down. Full of remorse, even suicidal. Yes, I know how you felt and it's awful. Especially if you have no meds available to calm you down.
Sounds like you will need meds to help you over the first couple of days. Speak to your doctor, you are only one of millions of us who are problem, compulsive drinkers.
No use beating yourself up any more - just take the first steps. And yes, God is loving and forgiving and grieving when we allow ourselfs to be shackled by AL.
Never give up.
Jessie

[river0123]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Harvey,
Hang in there. I think most of us are here because we do keep slipping and need help. The important thing is to pick yourself back up and KEEP TRYING. Don't give up. I think if we set ourselves impossible goals we doom ourselves to failure and hopelessness. Just take it one day at a time and keep trying, and remind yourself of how well you did last week. And don't keep yourself away from church because you don't feel worthy, tell yourself "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
My husband right now is about rolliing around on the floor, wrestling those demons, as he tries to go his first AF day in probably 20 years.
Like Dori from "Nemo" says (not sure if you have kids, this may not mean anything to you), "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming".
We'll get there

[tea]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

We're all here Harvey and all have been where you are now. Reach out and take the hands of friendship being offered. We are all worth so much more than the feelings you describe, think that is why we understand each other so much here. I thank God for My Way Out, this site has been my lifeline more than once so just you keep venting away, we are here.

Lx

[psb69]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Hi Harvey,

I've been there too, so many times. Every weekend, some worse than others. Absolute living hell, i've been close to ringing an ambulance as i've been convinced in my crazy hangover mind that I was about to have a heart attack. Tossing and turning in bed, for 20 hours last weekend after 4 days on the booze.

All I could think of was death, the worst thoughts imaginable. Pain and suffering, all self inflicted. Will I ever learn I ask?

Well i'm now on day 7 AF and managed a weekend (which is where I drink the most without fail - or I used to!) without a drop of alcohol. This has happened as I am SICK of doing this to myself, didn't reach rock bottom in a gutter or something, but I was determined to get a week under my belt AF.

Now I can see 30 days AF being achievable, all from managing that first weekend without drink.

Make the decision to stop, then see where this confidence will lead you.

Drink. So bloody overrated , even without the horrible after effects.

[HarveyDanger]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

yes psb

Yes yes yes that's exactly it. Tossing and turning, finding it difficult to breathe even, wishing only for release in some way - dark, dark thoughts. That's been my every weekend for a couple of months now. Friday I woke a little hung over but not bad, but I'd been unable to get any real sleep. I planned immediately to not drink Saturday but to heed the warning and be ready for a good Sunday. I took the supplements which do help me out. We were out at a hot outdoor function for the morning and when I got home shortly after noon Saturday I'd rationalized that I was just going to drink on the weekends and I'd take it easy. So off I went. I never got sloshed, just pleasantly buzzed, but drinking for 8+ hours at any level (wow still rationalizing - what a tool) just destroys my ability to sleep. So here I am today feeling exhausted, with a sour stomach, and a head full of regret.

I made it a week earlier this year the first time I tried the program. It was the first time I'd gone that long in many, many years. People keep talking about 30 days in this talismanic fashion. It's only four weeks. At the end of that one week though I despaired thinking about going that long. I really really like to drink. I'm not mean and nasty - I open up and become friendly. I feel at peace in a way I've never felt sober. I can be around my family and enjoy the time rather than being constantly on edge and snapping. It's occurring to me that maybe it's the way I've learned I can accept myself and just be me. People say you have to re-learn how to live sober and I guess that must be true. I'm so closed off and grouchy sober. To use the pool analogy I read on another thread here, 30 days sure looks like the deep end from here. On an intellectual level I want to quit, but another part of me doesn't want to give up my poison; I just don't want the bad things it brings me anymore. Not a very adult outlook.

[psb69]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Yes I am the same. I'm a generally happy drunk, and I like things about myself when I open up after drink. I find it hard to express feelings without it, I can be very funny, I love the feeling of escaping sobriety and boredom.

This is going to be the hardest thing for me to stop completely, but I want to because of being absolutely shattered, the panic attacks and not sleeping, the tightness in the chest, the worst nightmares, not experiencing life.

I am the worst with a hangover ever, I do nothing. This weekend I've done loads of little things, like emptying my garage (exciting eh!?) which I never would. I also went to the gym, and feel amazing.

At the moment I am looking at life with alcohol, and the fun I can have, and a life without it.

I can say I feel so relaxed now, even had a good night out on the town with my drunk friends on friday and still enjoyed it. I can't just have one drink when I start, yet I never drink at home alone. I'm a real social drinker, but the shots start, and I drink ridiculously fast. Our whole culture in the UK is built around getting smashed.

Self hypnosis sessions on my ipod are doing wonders, have you tried this? I have anxiety/depression issues anyway, which I think is why I drink. Yet drink is the worst thing for it!

Good luck, stay positive.

[psb69]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

One more thing.

A breathing technique I have learnt:

Breath from the diaphragm, count to seven on the in breath, then count to 11 on the out breath.

I also imagine parts of my body relaxing, and the muscles becoming soft, the muscles around my eyes etc.

It helps me when I am anxious, doesn't always cure it but helps!

Your body naturally relaxes on the out breath

[1967]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

HarveyDanger.... i'm amazed at how similar your post is to how i feel. I was up all night last night too. Maybe I was just kidding myself believing that I was coming down w/a cold. My brain (and nose) were racing a mile a minute.

I cannot deal w/social interaction w/out AL either. I can't seem to relax and enjoy people. After a 1/2 bottle of wine... well... now there is a different story. I've been like this SO long. It's very unhealthy. Thanks for mentioning the fact that we have to relearn how to live essentially. I'd not thought of this in a long time.

I am ALWAYS intoxicated on the week-end. Today is day 2 for me. I'm determined to go cold turkey. Let's see how I do. Take care. I don't know what the solution is, but it's nice to hear I am not alone w/this problem. Which I have been by my own chosing.

[HarveyDanger]

Twitching (please forgive the stream of consciousness)

Wow the panic attacks too. We should stay in touch. I know what you all mean about getting things done. I've gotten the weeknights pretty much off the table for drinking and thought I'd keep just the weekends. It is amazing how much time you find you have on your hands when you've got to figure out how to fill it.

5 hours to go until bed here. I can do 5 hours.