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    #1

    How do i get out?

    Hi, am new to this forum and i'm joining like many others because i drink, i hate it and all it's negative effects on myself and my family and i want to stop so badly but i can't/ don't coz i am in so much pain, to begin with i cry everyday and fell so crappy constantly. i am experiencing such an intense internal agony i cannot sufficiently describe. To those who have to witness it (mainly my mum, how shameful!) i am just a wreck, a bad person who does it on purpose and won't change and receive God's peace etc etc, but i am not and if i am i do not want/ mean to be. It's almost a year now that i left my severely abusive husband and yet i feel just as bad if not worse than i did when i was being so badly abused. i almost wish i never left him, i was an even worse drinker then coz then i'd down 2 bottles of wine alone at night maybe 3-5 times a week just to blurr the edges which were very very rough to say the least. Now i've 'improved' - i only drink at weekends (nowadays i've started including SUndays and often Fridays), and the after efttects are disastrous! i am extremely rowdy and obnoxious when drunk, and when i get home i scream at the slightest provocation and boy do i have a dirty mouth. My poor mum, my poor niece hwom i recently smacked and good for me coz so far apart from being constantly out of budget coz i cannot drink repsonsibly and i lost whole wallet on Sunday last coz i was so out of it coming from the hair salon.
    I know i drink to numb the pain, 'fill' the void' and becoz i am dangerously self-destructive, but i am aware of my problem and i want to stop. i wan to find a real way to heal my badly abused and weeping soul and leave this bleak dark place i am suffering relentlessly in. i want help - i may not be as bad an alcoholic as i was or as bad as some but i feel teriible about my drinking. I feel like such a waste and a failure to say the least, and i am still agonizing and pining over the end of my marriage and all i lost. Did i mention how i just so love my weed to. Someone please hear me out at least......................
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    #2
    How do i get out?

    Hurtingbad I am so so sorry you are having such a bad time of it. My heart really went out to you when I read your post

    Firstly :welcome: to this site you are really in the right place for love, support and understanding. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON YOU HAVE JUST LOST YOUR WAY:l

    A few suggestions

    If you have not already done it down load Roberta Jewell's book - Reading it will give you peace of mind that you are not the only person going through this living hell. If you can order the DVDs and supplements because they really do help

    Keep close to the boards and read as many threads as you can and put plenty of posts on -you will get so much support and advice

    Try and get some counseling for all that abusive treatment you were put through

    Hope this helps - thinking of you

    Sweetpea xxxxxxxxxx
    :flower: Keep strong and focused things do get better and you will find your happy :h

    Comment

      #3
      How do i get out?

      Hi Hurtingbad,

      :welcome:

      It might not feel like it but you're making progress! You had the guts to leave an abusive relationship - good for you! And you've started to cut down on alcohol. Now you've found this place to help you get more control over drinking. Lots of people have been helped by this site (I'm one of them), and there's lots of info and support here to help you too.
      Good luck!
      sigpic
      AF since December 22nd 2008
      Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

      Comment

        #4
        How do i get out?

        THankyou

        Thank you all so far for your responses and i look forward to more of your support. i am not based int the States and may not necessarily be able to afford but i am definitely goig to look in to Topamax and am researchign on hypnotherapy centres as we speak - i know i drink because of the abuse i've witnessed and suffered all my life which as left me enraged, bitter, empty and very bad and sad. I am willing to pay and do what it takes to get out of here! I think if u guys i can i so can too. June was the worst month - in fact everyday is a bad day but today is the 1st of a new month and the second half of the year - i'm going to try becoz i no longer want to cry. Would it be possible too to get hypnotherapy to help ease the constant haunting memories that keep me interned. ALl ican say is i really need help and support you are the only hope i have left it seems.

        Comment

          #5
          How do i get out?

          Hi Hurtinbad,

          How close our AL stories are, have no fear you can over come it!! This is a great place to be when you are craving that glass of wine, come on line and have a chat.

          Welcome to the AF crew!!
          "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it"

          Comment

            #6
            How do i get out?

            Morning Hurtinbad and welcome to the forum.

            I like you used to get very rowdy and obnoxious at times when I drank and took drugs. MY drinking was pure hedonism and I took everything to excess. It was purely a mask that I could hide behind though as I was fearful of getting in touch with who I really was. I drank from such an early age that I grew up without learning the vital skills of taking any kind of responsibility for my actions. It's taken me the best part of a year to do some 'growing up' and soul searching and gain some self respect and confidence back. My relationship ended nearly a year ago after I had the courage to take the necessary steps to get my life back on track and gain some happiness back in my life that was so sadly missing. My ex had come out of a very abusive relationship too when she met me and I did feel this made her very insecure and clingy. Not a good thing when you're 'married' to a drunk who's one true love can only be found in the bottle.

            I managed to stop the drugs quite easily if the truth be known. I gave up smoking weed daily over 10 years ago when I first attempted to give up the drink (for all the wrong reasons!). I was continually getting more and more paranoid and It just wasn't worth it anymore. I still occasionally had a spliff now and again if I was drinking as the drink gave me the confidence. Drink has always been the root of all my drug taking I think as once I started getting a few drinks down my neck I would start wanting coke and e's and anything else to get me off my head.

            About 18 months ago I was a complete mess and I was binging like it was going out of fashion. 2nd June was my original sober date but I've had a few slips along the way. 2 serious binges lasting about a week and 1 slip a few months back when I was seriously questioning my life again as a sober person. Although the 12 months I have had sober has not been consecutively it has given me the opportunity to turn my thinking around (FINALLY!). I've always learned something from my slips and moved forwards with that knowledge. I also know that it is not good for me to keep questioning everything that goes on in my life. Some things just are what they are and I've learned to accept them. I couldn't of got anywhere without the help and support I've had from my MWO friends and the 2 other forums I'm a member of.

            I'll look forward to reading more from you in the future and I wish you well on your 'journey'.

            Love and Happiness
            Hippie
            xx
            "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
            Clean and sober 25th January 2009

            Comment

              #7
              How do i get out?

              Welcome Hurting. Not sure I can add any advice not already given, but you will find tons of info and support on here. You can order self-hypnosis cds from here to help will not drinking. It does sound like a counselor might be helpful to sort out some feelings. You will feel much better physically when you stop drinking and will have more energy to sort out the other stuff.

              Comment

                #8
                How do i get out?

                Wow!

                I cannot say enough how much better it makes me feel to know that i am not the only one and that this is not my fault - wow! imagine talking to people who don't judge, criticise or laugh at you for drinking. People who actually with and for you. I am lookign forward to this journey, and this weekend is the first step as weekends is when i slip. I have also booked my first hypno session for next Saturday morning so i am so looking forward to hopefully finally getting the right form of intervention to at least alter my state of mind. All i know is i want to end this year AF and tear and pain free somehow. I can't do it alone and i am ecstatic i have peopel to speak to - people. To us all - let's keep strong and stick together. Thanx for all your responses so far. As for the weed, it's tiem to quit that too i just so know and that's starting now too tho i know that's gonna take teh weening method as i know it sounds bad - but at the worst of times it keeps me calm! but we all know that's a lie. I knwo it will be hard but i know i am not alone.
                :thanks:

                Comment

                  #9
                  How do i get out?

                  I,m new and hello to everyone. Wife of alcoholic

                  Comment

                    #10
                    How do i get out?

                    Hi weezer - be there for him he needs you and when he comes through you will be so happy to have your love back. Be strong
                    XXX

                    Comment

                      #11
                      How do i get out?

                      Hurtingbad--sounds like you are off to a really great start already. Keep a positive attitude and keep trying, ok?

                      Welcome Weezer--did you know there is a forum especially for family members??

                      :welcome::welcome::welcome:
                      _______________
                      NF since June 1, 2008
                      AF since September 28, 2008
                      DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                      _____________
                      :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                      5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                      _______________
                      The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        How do i get out?

                        How do I get out?

                        Hurtingbad - Please stop beating yourself up....you are not a bad person...you are in pain and have taken some very brave steps to try to feel better... I can truly understand the level of pain you are talking about, but from a depression point of view... GREAT thing that you got out of that abusive relationship!! You need to realize that you are a valuable person and very worthy of happiness and a good life. Maybe you should talk to a Dr. because you sound very depressed. There are so many things they can do to help you. The key is to start feeling that we have some worth, then the other parts of our lives that we want to change make more sense... I have started to feel better now that I'm on antidepressants and my life is starting to improve as well! Baby steps...that's how you handle this....but you have to believe that you are worth the effort - we all have/had similar feelings of low self worth and trust me, without logging onto this site, I probably would still be talking myself down. There are so many wonderful people on this site with similar situations and fears... Read and take comfort that we are all out here pulling for you and cheering you on... but you need to take a deep breath, and look at what your next step is...keep coming back here!!!

                        Comment

                          #13
                          How do i get out?

                          Welcome

                          Your story brought tears to my eyes. I am struggling worse than ever right now. I know that I have only one option. Believe me I have thought about the other way out lots of times, but being Christian, that is not an option. I have to believe that I can do this. Weed is also one of my great loves. I don't know how I will get that out of the picture, as my daughter smokes constantly. I was physically abused as a child, and went on to have very violent relationships. I am on my own now, which is very hard. My drinking got much worse after my divorce. I am so glad that u are here. Our stories are very similar. I am tired of being sick and anxious. I look forward to getting to know you. I live in the Northeastern part of the US. I am a female in my mid forties.
                          "Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown)

                          Comment

                            #14
                            How do i get out?

                            Hurting, Weezer, all : welcome ... my drinking also got bad during a nasty divorce .. can relate to so much of what you say. Let us beat this beast ..
                            :boxer: Get the hell out of my house, Al, you worthless bastard!!

                            Comment

                              #15
                              How do i get out?

                              Hurtingbad: I'm glad you are here. Continue to open up, vent, share your feelings, etc... It's so true, you are not alone. We all can relate. We are here to help and support you. There's no judgement. Do all that you can to get yourself on a healthy and mindful track. See your counselor, post on MWO and join a support group. I'm looking forward to reading about your positive progress. Take one day at a time, be good to yourself, and look towards a bright future. There really is one! -Reenie
                              September 23, 2011

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