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    #1

    New and scared

    Hi everyone

    I found website this morning hungover and looking for a different path. I have been trying to stop drinking for the whole of 2008. I managed the whole of January but then went back to it and every time I try to stop I just go back to it after a few days.

    I am really really scared of life without alcohol. I suffer from depression and anxiety and phobias....and I guess I have been self-medicating all my life. I'm 33 now and started drinking at 14. I don't drink much, but I drink most days and the days when I don't drink I am thinking about drinking. Just to take the edge off and shut my brain up for a while.

    I am living very far away from home, with few friends. I have a beautiful little daughter, who is 4 and I don't want her to grow up with an alcoholic mummy. But I don't know how to get by without it.

    I am embarrassed to post this, but I am in desperate need of some kindness and support.
    Thanks for reading.
    C
    "Let the beauty you love be what you do. There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth." Rumi
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    #2
    New and scared

    Hi Basilisk - I'm 33 too! I can relate to certain aspects of your story, especially the bit about thinking about drinking on the days you don't drink!!! You're not alone, stick around, maybe pop in for a chat - you'll find lots of support here from people who share similar experiences.
    Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:6 The Message

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      #3
      New and scared

      Hi Basilisk, Im 34 with a teenage son and I can so relate to you not wanting your daughter to grow up with an alcoholic mum. I feel exactly the same way. The guilt I feel is awful, whenever I sneak a bottle into my bedroom.. its a vicious circle really, because the guilt makes me want to drink more.
      Well done for your sober January.. that is such a fantastic achievement.
      Chelle
      ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

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        #4
        New and scared

        Hi Basilisk,
        Ditto on the age!
        I also used to be scared of life without AL and when I joined MWO it was with the intention of only going mod but my whole mind set has kind of changed and for the first time I went without AL on Sunday, what an awesome feeling!! What ever your goal is, there is great support here, so stick around!
        "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it"

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          #5
          New and scared

          Thanks so much for your replies! It really helps to feel less alone and I am touched by your kindness.

          I feel like I must be giving my daughter such a terrible example. But I also want to do something kind for myself. I have taken another step and made an appointment with my doctor to hopefully discuss other ways to deal with my problems. She's on holiday for the next couple of weeks, so it's not for a while. I am very, very good at looking outwardly as if everything's ok while inside, I am literally longing to die.

          Thanks again.
          C
          "Let the beauty you love be what you do. There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth." Rumi

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            #6
            New and scared

            Basilisk,

            :welcome:

            I can't stress enough how good it is you are looking at this seriously now instead of letting it get worse and worse. Believe me, it does get worse. Much worse.

            Stopping now before you ruin your life and your health is important for you and your little one. She needs a happy, strong mommy for many years to come.

            Good for you on making that doctor's appointment. That is definitely a step in the right direction.

            We have a thread in Just Starting Out called ODAT. That stands for One Day At a Time.

            It is a wonderful group of people who know that it is truly scary to stare into the future and think of never drinking again, but we do know we can handle one day.

            Glad you are here.
            Cindi
            AF April 9, 2016

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              #7
              New and scared

              Good morning C.

              I too had been trying to stop AL for all of 2008 as well. I couldn't manage longer than 2 days. Recently I came upon this website. Today is day 11 AF. Yesterday was the first day I didn't feel like crap. Initially I broke the days down into daylight and the darks hours to feel less overwhelmed. I also live abroad, which doesn't change anything for me as I've isolated myself so over the years. If I'm not at work I am alone.

              I know you can stop when you are ready and it sounds like that time is now.
              Check in w/this site whenever you can. It has given me a lot of perspective. Before I would spend a good part of the day waiting until I could have a nice glass of wine. Yesterday I only thought of it a few times, already better. Hang in there... you can do it!!!!!

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                #8
                New and scared

                Hi

                I just wanted to welcome u and reiterate that it does get Worse, much Worse. I got so bad that I needed medical help to detox. It was a horrible experience. Much worse than anytime I had detoxed before. I also believed that I was self-medicating anxiety, depression, etc...but after being sober for a year one time in the past, I was able to go off all medications and I felt great. Hope u will stick around. The people are wonderful here.
                "Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown)

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                  #9
                  New and scared

                  First thing - please don't feel embarrassed here, this is the place you get to be; not judged and not feel embarrassed.

                  second thing - great for you on going to the Dr.

                  third thing - I hope you get a chance to read the book and other info here so that you can talk to your Dr. about it.

                  You found a good place to begin.
                  workout:chick:mwo2

                  It's my world to make now...cuz I found my way out.

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                    #10
                    New and scared

                    Hi Basilisk, I am a mom of two girls. 14 and 3. I am 36 and feel the same as you. I don't want my children to have a drunk mom around. Unfortunately my eldest got to see it, but, it is what we do now that counts.

                    Read and post lots. You shouldn't be embarrassed at all about posting here. You should feel very proud you want to change things before they possibly get worse. There is no shame in wanting to get this under control.

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                      #11
                      New and scared

                      You are very wise!!!Stop now and the amount of damage done stops along side you....We are here and we CARE
                      sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!

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                        #12
                        New and scared

                        Welcome Basilisk. Self medicating is how it starts for many of us. However, alcohol really makes depression and anxiety worse, not better. It is great you are doing this now.

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                          #13
                          New and scared

                          Thank you everyone for your replies. I am really amazed by the support.

                          I didn't drink last night and went to bed early. Feel much better after a good night's sleep. From experience, it is Days 2 to 10 that are the hardest, I rarely get past one week though. My first goal is to make it to my doctor's appointment in 2 weeks. Next week we have a work bbq, which will be a very hard experience without drinking.

                          I so often can't do things with my daughter in the evenings because I am either drinking or else ill and depressed. I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to be someone that I respect.

                          I began writing myself a list of all the reasons to be AF and it is now 2 pages long :wow:
                          I also bought some supplements this morning on the way to work. My mum just turned 70 and I was thinking about what kind of life I want to look back on when/if I reach that age. I know I don't want to waste my life through drinking, I want to look back on a life fully lived.

                          Thanks again everyone.
                          C
                          "Let the beauty you love be what you do. There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth." Rumi

                          Comment

                            #14
                            New and scared

                            Basilisk, Instead of thinking how "hard" it is going to be to get through the BBQ, keep focusing on how much better you feel about yourself and how much stronger you are. We often do ourselves in with our own negative thinking.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              New and scared

                              Yes that negative thinking thing is a killer....Fear is mostly derived from that negative thinking thing... Take small steps and get some small victories that will build up and help you feel good about what you are doing....
                              Everyone here will help and support
                              Control the Mind

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