Pissed, Confused, Scared

[4tops]

I came a bit back in April, now it's July. Job stress (husband's), my stress (4 children, ages 12-1 and homeschooling), life stress, whatever, has been leading to lots of arguing between my and my husband. Even if we've only had a couple of glasses of wine, he blames THAT. Not necessarily the way we handled the conversation, or how he is so quick to emotional outbursts. Or that I'm at my wits end right now in the children, and household duties.

So now, after a row last night (just heated talking, nothing abusive!), he says if I am not willing to go totally dry for a month or two, to test his theory, then I am potentially jeopardizing our marriage, and he's then extremely concerned about whether or not I'm a full on addict.

How much are we drinking? I'll have 3-4 glasses a night, he'll probably do the same. I'm never hungover, never out of control, never forget, never neglect children, or the house. I work out 3-5 days a week, am in the middle of losing the last of the baby weight. My life is functioning on a very high level, I LIKE my life, but that wine at the end of the day helps take the edge of all of it. "It" feeling very overwhelming at times, especially with our crazy (but adored) one year old...who's already behaving full on two years old.

Seriously? I know how it sounds to say he needs to get off my back. But I feel like he doesn't really GET what I go through at home all day, every day. And I look forward to that wine. It's like it's the only thing I CAN do. I can't get out by myself, I can't just go shopping (tight budget), I'm in charge of all the meals, laundry, whatever, it gets so mundane. I believe in what I'm doing, but it's hard.

The wine is like my reward at the end of the day. I don't WANT to give it up. It's not that I can't, I don't WANT to, and I think my husband is over reacting.

Now WHAT???!??

[Evie.Lou]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

Maybe Hubby is over reacting...Maybe you should ask yourself why Alcohol is a reward for a job well done???? Maybe something like taking a walk or sitting watching the sunset would be a better reward?? If you realize why drinking makes you feel the way it does(brain cells dieing causes drunken sensation)maybe he is concerned that you are harming yourself.Only you can figure out what is true.If stopping is not a problem then I would choose that and see if the rewards are not GREATER..LOL..EVIELOU..WOU WOU

[4tops]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

That's the problem...being ABLE to do something else...with dinner to do, and the 4 children...I CAN'T get away, watch a sunset, walk peacefully...if I tried to walk with all of them, I'd walk straight to a wine store! By 6 pm, I WANT the numbing effect...just enough to take off the edge.

[Evie.Lou]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

Listen to your favorite music,be creative with new foods,dance in place,sing out loud,buy some gold fish....You can create a sence of love,joy and peace from the inside out...Try it....LIFE CAN BE FUN

[4tops]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

OK, I really appreciate the advice, but what if I already feel like my life is fun, just hard? Hence, the nightly wine...everyone here talks about getting a new life, feeling better, etc. I like my life, I feel good. It's my husband who's concerned, not me.

[Accountable for Me]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

Hi 4tops. Have you asked your husband why he is so concerned? If you feel there isn't a problem, then why does he feel there is one?

As far as I am concerned, if you don't feel there is a problem, then carry on. If I could have a couple of glasses of wine at night and stop there, I would be elated really. Unfortunately I drink to get drunk.

I understand about the whole kids driving you to the brink. Even being at home all of the time is enough to want to reward yourself at the end of the day. I have a 3 year old who almost drove me insane from the age of 1.5 until she turned 3. I decided to quit drinking when she was 1.5.... there were many times I wanted to run to the store because .... oh just because.

I wish I could offer you some advise. The only thing I can say is to have a good talk with your hubby.

[KBCE]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

I have three kids ages 14, 9 and 1. I too, have glasses of wine after my full days work and huge commute. Stress, stress, stress! Wine takes the edge of! Wine relaxes me and makes me more mellow! Um, no it doesn't. Not anymore at least. You know, the amount really did not change too much, however the way it effects me has. Things do not get done like if I wasn't drinking - for example I may not get something ready till the next morning when I could have done it the night before because I felt like having wine instead of dealing with my responsibilities. In turn I would be slightly hungover the next day, snippy, overwhelmed and stressed out having to do all that extra stuff. We woudl all suffer. Drinking is not a reward - having a wonderful healthy happy life, happy kids and happy marriage is the reward. I can't go off to watch the sunset, but I can surely have that extra time back that I was wasting with a glass in my hand to play with my kids, go out front and watch them chalk on the pavement, just BE with my family. I am totally not saying that I have stopped drinking completely, but I have gotten to the point where I know I feel better and am a more focused, happy wife and Mom. This is what I have to do. If I want a reward, I remember what it feels like to actually feel rested and healthy in the morning. To see eyes that are clear instead of bloodshot. No anxiety attacks. All my chores complete. Remembering every single thing from the night before - no "fuzzies"! Now THAT is my reward! Good luck to you - it is such a struggle I know. Especially with all of life's stresses and the kids. Try to go AF for a while - you' thinking may change and you will feel better. Now I need to listen to my own damn advice and GET BACK ON TRACK!

[Guest]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

When you say, just 3 or 4 glasses - are we talking 125mls or bigger? Reason I am saying this is it's very difficult to be true to ourselves. Often at home, or even with new larger bar measures we can hide how much we are truely drinking.

Some wine glasses can hold half a pint and three of those = 1 bottle. I'm in denial myself - I think I 'deserve' my weekly blow out. After all I work hard, in a lonely, difficult, stressful job and need that escape. I keep saying it will be different but I know that all week the effect of my last drink is driving my moods and behaviours. Even now I am praying a business meeting will be called off at the last minute just so I can go drink again.

[louise]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

I doubt alcohol is causing of all the problems as your husband assumes. It sounds like you definitely need more help and must find some time for yourself meditating or something to destress.

That said, it may be causing more problems than you think. You are drinking 3 to 4 times the recommended amount for a woman, which is max 1 glass (4-5 oz) per day (and your husband is drinking 2 times the recommended amount, women metabolize alcohol differently and can not safely drink as much as men). Did you always drink 3-4 glasses a night? Or have you gradually been drinking a bit more and more? Due to alcohol tolerance, you may soon find yourself drinking even more. The only way to really test his theory so you can get some support since he has decided this 1 thing is the problem is to do it for a month and insist that he do so as well. And do it knowing it will improve your health so you can have a positive outlook on it. A month is not a long time and you will then be in a better place to discuss issues with your husband. Such as he must help with dinner and the kids so you can have some time to yourself.

Welcome to the site. We are happy to support you in doing this if you chose to.

[Cinders]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

4tops,

Tell hubby you will give up the wine at the end of the day if he takes on the children.

No joke.

Give yourself some time to unwind at the end of the day. It doesn't take wine, it takes relaxation. Unfortunately wine relaxes you quickly.

But, if hubby takes on the kids for a while, you can get out and relax. Go to a gym. Go to a class. Get out.

Believe me. Been there done that where you are now.

I doubt if hubby will take it on.

What you are doing is the HARDEST job in the world. No one wants to take it on.

However, and here is something you need to carefully look at, if WINE is your release, WINE will take you down eventually.

Been there done that!!

At some point, and I do not know how to tell you where that "point" is, the wine will become more important than anything else, because you truly are using an addictive substance to unwind. If it was Vicodin or Valium, your brain would "know" because of society. It is not. You are using a legal drug to unwind.

Hubby can be all "superior" if he wants. I am simply telling you that you are playing with fire. I played with it for years before it got to me but once it got to me, I was totally hooked. Hook, line and sinker.

So, make hubby watch the kids when he gets home and you find something you can do.

Is that fair? I am not sure. Hubby has worked all day and now you are asking him to take on more responsibility than he has ever had at work.

It may take a week or so for him to figure it out.

Do not get into the space where "we" are. You do not want to go there. The wine is truly an addictive substance, find something else.

Love,
Cindi

[KBCE]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

Cindi - you are 100% right. GREAT reply. Wish I had written it!

[4tops]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

Now I'm just going to whine. I don't waaaaaannnnnnt to give it up. So. I have to deal with that.

[WaitingToExhale]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

I started a jounal a few weeks ago after being "dumped" by a man I am very much in love with. All the pain, the stress of my job, the responsibilities ... HELL! I deserved that wine!

Funny thing is, I put time stamps on the times I would type in the journal. I can NOT BELIEVE how many hours / days I lost sitting in that pool of wine feeling sorry for myself (and all of the above). telling myself I deserved it to "relax".

For me, I now know, it's not only the health concerns, but I was letting time just slip away from me. It's amazing what you can get done when you don't spend the time / energy / money on drinking ...

Wine is not my friend ... it steals my time and energy. This is only my 2nd day AF, but it is amazing how it felt to wake up this morning and have energy, and what I have already accomplished in justthe 4 hours I have been up.

Wishing you the best in your choices.

[KBCE]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

4tops, I truly feel your pain. I DON'T WANNA GIVE UP MY WINE EITHER! But I have to. I don't want to end up a big alcoholic slug of a wife and mom. I want to have energy again! I want to NOT WANT MY WINE! It is so hard, but keep whining away...and we will continue to tell you THAT YOU CAN DO THIS! X X X O O O

[DeeBee]

Pissed, Confused, Scared

Welcome

:welcome:Hi 4Tops,

Just wanted to extend a warm welcome, seems like you have a lot on your hands at the moment!
I was also a stay at home Mom for many years and I know how difficult it can be.

You have already been given some great advice here and there's nothing I can think to add except there's alot of great people here so stick around if you need help!