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ATT

I don't know if you ever need it, but there's another website called soberrecovery.com. It's a lot bigger support site. But I am just throwing it out there in case you are ever in a pinch and need support (or just want another board to go to) at night for example and are feeling like a drink because there are always people online there to talk to.

It's different, there's more debate, etc, but sometimes it may be good if you're struggling and have no place to go when you need some help at night.

Jen

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Jen,
thanks I do know about soberrecovery. I also (for the record) do acknowledge that I need more than just this forum given I'm not doing meds... I just havent worked out quite how I'm going to get to that part before I seriously need it.
ATT

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Hi All,

Just wanted to report in, as well as catch up with everyone's comments. I finally woke up today with that much-desired clear head! What a great feeling. I have never been a true morning person, so I don't think I will ever just jump up with the sun and be happy about it. BUT, I did finally wake up without a headache, grogginess and regret.

I did decide to have ONE glass of wine last night. I knew it was dangerous, but I really wanted to see how it would feel. Honestly, I was scared because I know that the temptation is the disease talking. But I also desperately wanted to prove to myself that I could have only one. And I did! Oddly enough, it wasn't even hard. I think the combination of supplements + this forum + a brand new attitude made me really want to be able to have just one. The good news is, it took me forever to finish (I was sure to have a glass of water on hand too) and I really didn't want more. I just went to bed, read a book and went to sleep. It is now about 2pm and I still don't feel like I want anything tonight. It doesn't even sound good. Maybe because I just got done exercising and I feel so good, I don't want to wreck it. I hope I have not already started to derail myself, but with this one tiny victory under my belt, I feel stronger. I do know not to get falsely "cocky" or that will be my undoing. Honestly, I think checking in here daily will save me.

ATT - Congratulations on saying NO last night, that is just wonderful. I think saying no in a social situation is the hardest of all. I am sure that was difficult, but you must be proud of yourself and feeling so much stronger today. I guess it really is one day, or one "headache" at a time!

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need a friend

Hi kim

You posted on my first post and were the only one to post there. Thank you. I have been on my supps for over a week now, received cd's 2 days ago and got topamax and started 4 days ago. I think our drinking habits are so much alike. I am still drinking but I think it is a little better. I actually remember going to bed these days. No side efects so far on the topo. How are you?

SM

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Re: need a friend

Hi SM,

Great to hear from you. I am doing okay. Better definitely, but not perfect by any means.

Thanksgiving was a lost cause for me, as I had so much family at my house, and some who are my constant wine drinking buddies. I did my best to moderate, and actually felt good that I was under control till the end. But, that started me back on the 2-3 glasses a night habit after I had stopped drinking altogther for about a week. And of course that leads to more.

The holiday weekend also got me way off track with taking my supplements and doing the hypno. I started supplements again yesterday, and hope to start the hypno again tonight. I am finding that the holiday season is a hard time to start all of this, since it does take some time and some privacy, both of which are at a premium when people are visiting!

I am still planning to do this without the meds, since I am trying to get pregnant. For me, the possible side effects + recommendations to not take while pregnant override my desire to see how the meds work. I do think the supplements (esp. Kudzu) make a difference. I don't feel the craving nearly as much. My problem is getting kind of bored and crabby by the end of a long day with a 2 year old. My struggle is in trying to find another way to keep my sense of humor and energy level up at the end of the day.

I am glad to hear you are not experiencing any side effects on the Topamax. How are you feeling in the mornings? Are the supps making a difference for you? How about the hypno? I actually had some trouble sleeping after doing the hypno. It was like something got into my brain and wouldn't let go. My mind was spinning all night. Hopefully this won't happen on my second try.

Thanks for checking in!

Kim

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need a friend

Hi Kim

I know how you feel. Holidays are associated with drinking for me. I wish you would give the topamax a try. You can always stop if it is not right for you. This is day six for me and still no side effects. I am very faithful about the supps but can't always do the hypno cd's and actually have trouble getting into them now but will keep trying. I am not exercising like i should and believe me, I need it. The topamax has really made a difference to me. I up my dose tommorrow so who knows what will happen. I really only drink wine but I usually guzzle it and lots of it. Last night I actually wanted coffee after dinner. I drank two cups of coffee and watched the Biggest Loser. The winner actually said his greatest accomplishment was not the weight loss of 150 lbs but that he had been sober for 9 months. I did then have two glasses of wine but that was it and I was very satisfied. A lot less than the usual 3-6 Large glasses that I usually have. I don't post here as much as I should but I read the posts often and I am proud to be a part of MWO. Hang in there Kim. I am always here for you.

SM

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First time here

Hi out there,

I just spent the past 2 hours reading everything on this site and feel brave enough to weigh in. This is the first time I have ever participated in an online forum-with strangers no less! Kim really struck a cord with me. (sipping then gulping..) I feel I have found a community of smart (mostly women?) people who share my embarrassing "secret". How the hell did this happen? (Geez, I did grow up in a family with alcohol abuse-why am I so shocked that I may have a problem?) May have a problem....I definately have a problem. I can't wait to open that bottle of wine when I get home from my high paying professional job. I can barely have a conversation with my beautiful family without a glass of wine in my hand first. And if they aren't there well then my private party launches quickly so I can get in my "happy place" before they return. Of course "happy" almost always quietly disintegrates into drunk and the inevidible next morning hanover-which I hide from the rest of the world by being "tired" Speaking of which, I am only now getting rid of from last nights "fun". Today, I had planned to take a much needed personal day to dress up the house for the holidays before my kids and husband came home but ended up ruining the day by drinking like an idiot last night and needing to go back to bed to releive the headache-of course followed by as much high carb food I could eat to speed up the recovery time. Why can't I drink in moderation like the rest of the people in my life? I travel extensively and entertain often and think I have been able to keep this problem under the radar-(I am in control when out for business) but now I wonder if everyones not on to me. Fine wine is part of my business so I must find a way to reconcile my demons and live a healthier life-(what kind of example am I to my kids like this??). Of course I wasn't always this way-I've been on the the slippery slope for years. Maybe the Topamax will help or should I go cold turkey???
Fresca
ps I picked Fresca because thats what I crave after a night of drinking(sorry for typos-spellcheck is not working)

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we're all so much alike

Fresca,
You really are among friends here. The MWO program really offers a way to deal with your problem drinking in a manner that works for you.
If you read some of my other posts, you'll see that I've been back and forth with doctors who want to prescribe me anti-depressants rather than attacking the problem of alcohol dependence.
Anyhoo, about 4 weeks ago, I decided that I had had enough of the doctors and I decided to do the program in all aspects except for the meds.
I've been taking Kudzu and l-glutamine as my primary sources of craving control. I've found that I don't seem to have a huge physical craving as much as a psychological one. The Kudzu and l-glut give me a bit of a buzzy feeling and the desire to drink is drastically diminished.
There are so many options with this program. You do what works for you. At least start with the supps, kudzu, l-glut, etc as the book recommends.
I've decided that I'm going to abstain for now. I realize also that moderation is not an option for me without meds. At some point I may want to try the Topa in order to drink in moderation, but I'm not there yet. I may never be there.
The great thing about this site, though, is that there is no failure. We're all on a journey and sometimes, we might trip and fall, but we'll help each other get up and keep moving forward. I've been 4 weeks without a drink and it's the best I've felt in years.
The meds are not magic pills- there is a lot of work that goes with them, but it is so worth it.
By the way, Campral is for those who abstain and Topamax offers the choice of moderation.

Keep in touch and good luck!

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we're all so much alike

Fresca,
Yes, we are alike.. there are also differences but regularly when I come on this board I find someone saying something that resonates with me and more often than not I find it inspiring.

Like you, my high paying professional job was an easy place for me to hide the extent of my drinking and in many ways I covered and hid it quite well.. even from myself. Its really only recently that I have faced up to myself and I'm not sure i've totally done that yet, but I'm further on than I was before. At least I feel like I'm on the way. I'm like lovecarps - doing this without the meds and abstaining as moderation just makes me go back to drinking and I'm nearly 5 weeks into this now and feeling better than I have done for many many years. I think that its good to just peruse the posts and work out what you think will work for you.. if it doesent work, try something else.. this is not a criticism forum but a supportive forum. Some of the posts that are sent to people who have slipped are the most powerful, I think.

BTW, I've NEVER done anything on an online forum before in my life (43) so this is new to me also.

I hope you can find stuff here that helps you like its helped me.

ATT

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Re: we're all so much alike

Thank you both! I found myself obsesively checking this site for hours after my first posting-hoping for a response-thank you, thank you. Our traditional friday evening includes movies, fire, red wine and last night I had one glass and I sipped it-probably as much a result of my secret(-my husband was out of town)bad behavior TR. night but also the hours I spent on this site as well. I am going to buy the book today and will swing by GNC for the supplements lovecarps suggested. The dream (of course) is to be able to always stop at 2 drinks -never revealing the problem-but we'll see. If I can't then I will seriously consider the campral-the topo doesnt seem realistic for me. Again, thanks for the response and I will check in regularly.
Question: did you feel compelled to reveal this to friends/family/business to explain your abstainance? I want to avoid this at all costs.

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Re: we're all so much alike

Fresca,
Welcome to the site. I haven't really started the program yet, but I've been reading the posts alot and got the book(I couldn't find it at any local stores so I had to order online). I ordered the CD's yesterday and I have been cutting back a ton, although last night had a big slip.

I actually told one of my close friends who has noticed I am starting to have a problem and my husband knows. I guess tell whoever you feel comfortable telling.

Marcie

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we're all so much alike

Fresca,
The only person in my life who knows is my husband. I've said before that the only modicum of control that I have over my drinking is to keep one foot out of the AA/Rehab door. You tell who you are comfortable telling. I'm not comfortable admitting anything to anyone, because I don't want to be labeled and consequently have people change their behavior and attitude around me. None of my associates or friends know that I'm struggling with this and until I'm standing well on the other side of control and abstinence will I admit that I've stopped drinking and then I'll probably just say, "the older I get the less tolerance I have for alcohol." (Which really is true in many respects.)
Also, if you can't find the book in your local bookstore, you can download it online and have it today. Make sure and follow the supplement advice very closely. I think we all tweak the supps a bit to what works for us, but I'd follow RJ's recommendation to the letter until you figure out what works for you.
If the supps don't take the edge off the cravings- run, don't walk to your doctor for meds.

Take care and good luck,
Kel

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we're all so much alike

Fresca,
I am in secret here apart from this forum!! This is despite the fact that I have a really great husband.. all I've told him so far one day was I've stopped drinking wine and he just said softly, thats good.. I've come so close to telling him, but I'm also very scared of people changing their opinion about me. I'm struck by the thought that I will probably have to reveal more to him at some stage, but I'm working out how/when that may happen. Part of me is trying to work out if what I"ve said is enough and trying to get out of it. Like kel (gee, we are alike in so many ways) I'm hoping once I have confidence in my sobriety that I'll say something like she has suggested that she will say to her associates.

So thats not much help to you, I'm afraid!!!
ATT

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Re: we're all so much alike

Ladies I am in the same boat. I am a successful professional with a great family. Sure there all all kinds of stresses and "reason's" to drink. Whatever! I have been telling my husband for about a year that my drinking is getting too much power over me and he has watched me in a supportive way keep struggling. BUt things have changed lately to the point where I started drinking alittle on my day off. Even at lunch. And at social events, more than most other people, just striving so hard for that elusive "better buzz" that just never arrives, it just sort of reaches a peak and its all just poison to the system after that. I pay for it the day after then promptly forget how bad it was. My "off" switch seems to be malfunctioning more and more. Most people "graduate" from heavy college-like drinking, but I just LOVE the stuff way too much, especially chardonnay. It is some kind of magic elixir for me, but has caused me alot of suffering too, and I do not want the long term health consequences.

Right now I am on day 3 of this program and so far have only told my husband about the hypnosis and the supplements. He thinks it sounds good. He says he would rather see me go for moderation than abstinence but that might not be realistic.

I would love to hear how everyone is doing.
Merry Christmas.
(I must be crazy to pick this time of year to start but I did.)

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Re: we're all so much alike

Hi, it is nice to know that there are more like us in the same boat. A few months ago I told my closest friends what was going on. It was a really bad time, I had started going to counselling but I made the mistake of going to see an addictions counsellor and every time I left a session I kept thinking there is more to me than an addiction or whatever this is. Throughout it all I kept my job and to my friends and my co-workers this was a well kept secret.
It was becoming very hard for me emotionally and I decided to tell my friends and ask for support. This is so unlike me. I went through a divorce and raised three children alone and developed my career without asking anyone for anything but I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't tell them face to face, I sent an e-mail, they were shocked and were really supportive. Although outside of one friend I don't think they really believed it because I have kept the secret so well. So we have all gone back to living the way we used to live before. I know if I ask for the help it is there but I don't know if I can do that again.

I also told two of my sisters over the last year, they live in a different country. One of them I told when I was home last year and when she came to visit me this year we talked some more. She is great, but what I am learning is that people are funny and they will step in only so much (may be that is different if they are spouses or partners) so this disease you really have to get on top of on your own and then you can use the support that is there. No-one else can do it for you, that is lonely but for me it is true and maybe affirmative.

AA is not for me, the idea of talking to strangers in person or giving up control of my life to another power just doesn't work. The one and only time I ever went to an open meeting and my friend came with me, it was very nice to see people talk and I admired them. I think I cried in my tissue the whole way through and the narrator turned to me and said "would you like to introduce yourself and tell us your story", I couldn't belive how insensitive that was and I know I will never go back. I couldn't even tell my best friends in person so I can't tell a bunch of strangers anything sitting face to face. My daughters are great, they are young adults and they would do anything for me. I don't want to burden them with this. They know all about this program and are totally supportive even to the point where right now they are laughing at some of my written and spoken mix ups.

So I too have a great job, no one at work has a clue that I am going through this. I hardly ever drink at work functions because I would never take the chance that I would slip up. It gets very tiring sometimes living all these lives.

Anyway this forum and this program is a bit of a life line. I am on week three of the program. I have just moved up to 75mg of the topa and have noticed over the last two days that I can sip my drink although I am still drinking almost a bottle of wine a day. I am coming up to my period and am hoping that once that is over I see a difference. I used the few days over Christmas to really reconnect with the CD's and that has been great and I am committed to all the pills and powders every day (although I will be glad when they are done).

On the bright side at work I had a great big success on Friday on a project that everyone was counting on and it went off almost flawlessly. That and a beautiful Christmas with my daughters has me thanking my blessings every day.

YB