This is the first time I have ever sought help for my dependency. My mother is an alcoholic she drinks every night. I have moved in and out of my parent?s house my entire adult life, sans the last 3 years, because of my irresponsibility. In my young adulthood, while living at home spending time by myself reading or writing she would always call me to come and talk to her. This would involve her telling me all the negative things about myself, all the while passing me cigarettes and pouring shots of crown royale. Over time I feel I started to accept the comments on a subconscious level, but even more of a problem is that it created a horrible association with e.g. reading and writing being followed by verbal abuse and drinking, smoking and verbal abuse being followed by acceptance. You can only guess the consequences of such thinking
One of the reasons I believe this was able to happen is my accepting the misconception that your loved ones are always doing what?s best for you, but they are not perfect and blah blah. In my case she used her "love" for me as a tool of manipulation to force me to accept her reality. She succeeded.
My drinking often occurs at night after work either at a local pub or at home. Sometimes it carries over to the morning, but effects work only in that I may have to drink a cup of coffee to get started. BTW I work at night starting at 4pm. Besides my job there are many other interests that I have from entrepreneurship to overseas travel, but when I start to pursue anything of such I start to hear that voice telling me how bad I am. Even more is the fact that I am not depressed or moody, etc. I am usually smiling more than most. I am energetic, outgoing and have a positive outlook on life's possibilities.
I have seen a couple of psychologists, one said I just had adhd and put me on adderall while totally disregarding anything I said about my life till that point. The other was over the phone, we talked quite a few times but he just didn't get it. At these sessions, though, I had still not truly accepted that I had a problem with alcohol. I refuse to go to AA I am sure it works for many but A: I?d like to deal with this privately or in this case semi-anonymously and B: It's way too religious. I want more of a common sense approach and maybe I have found a piece to the puzzle here. As I have already learned much from you all by just reading posts and taking a look around.
Anyway it has been twelve hours since I have had a drink and I just want to get through today without drinking. I do not know whether the goal is moderation or to completely stop and I don't care as of now. Just this first day.
-Marlon
One of the reasons I believe this was able to happen is my accepting the misconception that your loved ones are always doing what?s best for you, but they are not perfect and blah blah. In my case she used her "love" for me as a tool of manipulation to force me to accept her reality. She succeeded.
My drinking often occurs at night after work either at a local pub or at home. Sometimes it carries over to the morning, but effects work only in that I may have to drink a cup of coffee to get started. BTW I work at night starting at 4pm. Besides my job there are many other interests that I have from entrepreneurship to overseas travel, but when I start to pursue anything of such I start to hear that voice telling me how bad I am. Even more is the fact that I am not depressed or moody, etc. I am usually smiling more than most. I am energetic, outgoing and have a positive outlook on life's possibilities.
I have seen a couple of psychologists, one said I just had adhd and put me on adderall while totally disregarding anything I said about my life till that point. The other was over the phone, we talked quite a few times but he just didn't get it. At these sessions, though, I had still not truly accepted that I had a problem with alcohol. I refuse to go to AA I am sure it works for many but A: I?d like to deal with this privately or in this case semi-anonymously and B: It's way too religious. I want more of a common sense approach and maybe I have found a piece to the puzzle here. As I have already learned much from you all by just reading posts and taking a look around.
Anyway it has been twelve hours since I have had a drink and I just want to get through today without drinking. I do not know whether the goal is moderation or to completely stop and I don't care as of now. Just this first day.
-Marlon
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