Short summary -
Daughter gone for a month, came back yesterday morning, and we had a great day! With my 9 days AF, I was feeling good, and enjoying every minute of it.
Then, about 830pm, my daughter asked to spend the night at someones house. I normal request, she hadn't seen any of her friends for over a month either. BUT, instead of handling like an adult and being rational, I took it like the "drunk thinker" I am. I handled it with her fine, and did allow her to do this, knowing she hadn't seen her friends for a long time. We did have a fantastic afternoon, and I would've been in bed about 10pm anyway, so why not....all is good at this point.
Well, as soon as I dropped her off, my nasty inner voice began working it's black magic...
"See, she doesn't even care to be around you."
"Did you really think you were that special."
"It doesn't matter what you do AF or not, no one cares to be around you."
"You suck as a Mom so who cares if you drink, you'll never be any good either way."
Then my mind flipped a switch.
I didn't recognize the voice, and just let it take over.
So, I stopped on the way home, and bought a bottle of wine.
I'm not quite sure what my intentions were. I know to drink, but it was almost as if I was on autopilot and had absolutely no problem going and buying it.
I had a glass of wine. 9 days gone. I guess the "silver lining" in all of this is that I ONLY had one glass of wine.
I woke up this morning and thankfully feel ok, no hangover or headache but so disappointed in myself.
I do believe this inner voice, is my alcoholic voice. Its alcohols way of working itself into my life, and I need recognize it, not ignore it. I need to wear a sign or something. "WOMAN BEING AN IDIOT, DO NOT SELL ALCOHOL TO HER". It's as if I have two personalities, and when I clicked into the wino, I didn't have a chance. Why couldn't I see it? Why couldn't I stop it? Why didn't I even recognize it?
I poured the bottle out this morning, and am going running now. As pissed off as I am today about this whole situation, I'm not letting it stop me.
I just don't get it. It was 830pm at night when this started. I was on the home stretch of the day. If I would've just come home, and gone to bed, I would've been fine. But that thought NEVER crossed my mind.
All this guilt for one glass of wine. ABSOLUTELY NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!
Thanks for listening. I wasn't gonna post today, because I thought hiding and pretending was a better idea, then I realized that was my "alcohol laden brain" talking, and I chose to say FU to it. So, I guess I got that going for me. But, why did I recognize it this morning? II'm sorry for letting ya'll down.
FUA - f_ck U alcohol. Thats gonna be my sign. Just have to figure out where to wear it.
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