I screwed up.

[Panacea]

Ok, so yesterday was a fantastic day. Happy, all good and thought I was on the right track.

Short summary -

Daughter gone for a month, came back yesterday morning, and we had a great day! With my 9 days AF, I was feeling good, and enjoying every minute of it.

Then, about 830pm, my daughter asked to spend the night at someones house. I normal request, she hadn't seen any of her friends for over a month either. BUT, instead of handling like an adult and being rational, I took it like the "drunk thinker" I am. I handled it with her fine, and did allow her to do this, knowing she hadn't seen her friends for a long time. We did have a fantastic afternoon, and I would've been in bed about 10pm anyway, so why not....all is good at this point.

Well, as soon as I dropped her off, my nasty inner voice began working it's black magic...

"See, she doesn't even care to be around you."
"Did you really think you were that special."
"It doesn't matter what you do AF or not, no one cares to be around you."
"You suck as a Mom so who cares if you drink, you'll never be any good either way."

Then my mind flipped a switch.

I didn't recognize the voice, and just let it take over.

So, I stopped on the way home, and bought a bottle of wine.

I'm not quite sure what my intentions were. I know to drink, but it was almost as if I was on autopilot and had absolutely no problem going and buying it.

I had a glass of wine. 9 days gone. I guess the "silver lining" in all of this is that I ONLY had one glass of wine.

I woke up this morning and thankfully feel ok, no hangover or headache but so disappointed in myself.

I do believe this inner voice, is my alcoholic voice. Its alcohols way of working itself into my life, and I need recognize it, not ignore it. I need to wear a sign or something. "WOMAN BEING AN IDIOT, DO NOT SELL ALCOHOL TO HER". It's as if I have two personalities, and when I clicked into the wino, I didn't have a chance. Why couldn't I see it? Why couldn't I stop it? Why didn't I even recognize it?

I poured the bottle out this morning, and am going running now. As pissed off as I am today about this whole situation, I'm not letting it stop me.

I just don't get it. It was 830pm at night when this started. I was on the home stretch of the day. If I would've just come home, and gone to bed, I would've been fine. But that thought NEVER crossed my mind.

All this guilt for one glass of wine. ABSOLUTELY NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!

Thanks for listening. I wasn't gonna post today, because I thought hiding and pretending was a better idea, then I realized that was my "alcohol laden brain" talking, and I chose to say FU to it. So, I guess I got that going for me. But, why did I recognize it this morning? II'm sorry for letting ya'll down.

FUA - f_ck U alcohol. Thats gonna be my sign. Just have to figure out where to wear it.

[LucidLynn]

I screwed up.

Why doesn't it get easier? It seems that, when you put this much work into something, it should get easier...

[New Day]

I screwed up.

Pan ---- you didn't screw up .... you were tested and passed with flying colours .... to be 9 days AF and then stop at one glass ... that is an amazing accomplishment! You are going to be tested again and again ... and now you know you can deal with it. I'm having a hard time stringing 2 AF days together, but started again yesterday with one.
Good on you that you were able to throw the rest of the bottle out too ... I couldn't have done that ... there wouldn't have been anything to toss! Instead of getting down on yourself, congratulate yourself for how you handled it.

[Panacea]

I screwed up.

OMG! Thank you ALL!!!!! I'm so glad I posted this morning. You have no idea how much I thought to just forget about this place, and face the fact that I'm a failure, and just drink away.

Ok, so I caught the beast voice this morning! I'm gonna treat this as WAR! I'm not good at losing, and alcohol is now the enemy. I'm not going down without a fight!

BTW - the running really helped. The fact thats its 192 degrees outside sorta sucked, but it cleared my mind of all the negative thoughts.

I'm thinking I'm gonna turn into Forest Gump, and just keep running. RUN FOREST RUN!!!

[mwo2]

I screwed up.

Pan, Yes al did talk to you and the "icky" inner voice but your new voice was way LOUDER and the best Pan WON !!! So it will be o.k. I truly believe this. Your new voice will get louder everytime and soon won't be heard at all. (I know that voice and al, they can learn to shut the heck up)

Peace will be yours

[CXD863]

I screwed up.

I am proud of you Pan. How hard was that to do? 10 days ago would you have stopped at one glass? This is a new venture that we are all going through. Congrats on coming to these boards to clear your mind, they do have a way of doing that. Remember it's a war for our lives and there will be hiccups.

Oh, and at twelve years old when you were gone for a month, who did you want to see more? Your parents or your friends? Don't take it personally, she's human and she loves you.

[Panacea]

I screwed up.

Ya'll are just wonderful. I know for a fact, that at 12 or older, friends are sooo important. I'm glad I didn't let her see how it affected me. I totally understood when she asked, and we had such a great day together, for me to say no for my own reasons or insecurities would've been selfish.

and NO!... I wouldn't have stopped at just one 10 days ago. I would've woken up and felt like crap today, so I will take this a little more lightly.

I just need to let this go, and forgive myself and realize how much more damage I could've done.

[1967]

I screwed up.

Pan... just read ur post.
I check in every morning to remind myself to be strong.
I'd say what happened was a big learning experience for you. You've recognized one of ur triggers and will be vigilant the next time no doubt.

Plus, you only had ONE glass. I would have, for certain, drank the entire bottle. NO doubt about that one and I'm now 23 days AF. So, actually if u want to look at this as a positive learning experience you did fantastically. If you realize it or not you have definitely decided you no longer want to drink AL at all, period. And any small lapse you consider a failure. (Aren't we both just control freaks? ~ I would have had the same reaction you did!!!!)

As I said, though, I doubt I would have had the strength to stop at one glass never mind to dispose of the remaining bottle. GOOD GOIN' CHICKA!

[river0123]

I screwed up.

Hey Pan, we must have been posting at the same time, feeling down
You've done GREAT! And to stop at one glass! You've accomplished a lot - remember that! And dont' feel bad about your daughter. Mine turned 15 yesterday and our plan was to spend the day at Mall of America. Then she invited a friend. I shopped alone and sat reading at Barnes & Noble. But she had a great day, so it was good.

I've also decided that I have two voices - one lives in my head, the other in my house.

My hubby asked me why I was down and I told him it was just hard some days (he drinks all day/every day whenever he can). He told me I shouldn't expect to go too long, and that I should be "rewarding" myself (with drink, of course). Ahhhhhh!!!!!! I wish I could leave, go to a health spa, something to get away from his bad influence. He wonders why I am cold to him and don't sit and watch TV with him or am rarely in the same room with him, but he is always drinking. I want to SCREAM!!! :upset::thumbs:

Okay, feel slightly better. . .

[nancy]

I screwed up.

Hi there,

I think it's great that you stoppped at one, a lot of people couldn't.

I also think you should use this as a learning experience for your recovery. Seems like everyone has that inner voice and that negative self-talk plays a big role in relapse.

The experience you had on this day was disappointing but how would you react in a major crisis? I also self-medicate for emotions so I know how it feels. I have been strong recently,not giving in when I feel bad. But I have also given in and felt very bad the next day.

Glad you are keeping strong.

[Sheepish]

I screwed up.

Panacea;366757 wrote: OMG! Thank you ALL!!!!! I'm so glad I posted this morning. You have no idea how much I thought to just forget about this place, and face the fact that I'm a failure, and just drink away.

Ok, so I caught the beast voice this morning! I'm gonna treat this as WAR! I'm not good at losing, and alcohol is now the enemy. I'm not going down without a fight!

BTW - the running really helped. The fact thats its 192 degrees outside sorta sucked, but it cleared my mind of all the negative thoughts.

I'm thinking I'm gonna turn into Forest Gump, and just keep running. RUN FOREST RUN!!!

That is about as far away from failure as you could POSSIBLY BE.
Genius. Seriously.
-Sheep

[vera-b]

I screwed up.

Oh Pan,

Did you hit a nerve or what?!? That nasty al inner voice has us all by the chokehold at times. Now that it appears you're getting a handle on it, why not turn some of the positive juices on that OTHER inner voice that tells you you're not good enough? Perhaps it was someone in your past or an experience you had, or just a vivid imagination that's gone amok - whatever it is, it's convinced you you're not worthy of such a beautiful daughter, deserve a drinking husband and are probably taking up too much space on this earth. RUBBISH! Toss out that inner voice (probably al's ugly uncle Harry) and let the real, genuine wonderful you emerge. You must be pretty wonderful, because you didn't slink off into the al sunset, fought back, and came here. You're my hero. Bravo.

V.

[LVT25]

I screwed up.

Dear Forrest--I mean Pan--

How exactly did you screw up???:H

I hope you've stopped beating yourself up--and take this lesson as just that....it's how we learn what our triggers are, and what that voice in our head sounds like. Next time--you'll know to talk back. "No, it's been a great day, but I'm exhausted, I think I'll treat myself to a relaxing bath, and a good book, and then go to bed."

:l

Glad you shared!

[KBCE]

I screwed up.

Pan - you should be proud of yourself. You stopped at one - I can't say that I could do that at this point, although I am pretty sure I could stop at 2 since the supplements make me feel icky if I have any alcohol! You did good and we are proud of you. I had a slip this weekend and I felt the same way almost not posting and fessing up. But I knew that I needed to tell someone how I was feeling. It helps so much. Be proud of how much you have accomplished thus far. You are a good Mom and never forget that.

Your new friend,
Kat

[Panacea]

I screwed up.

Thanks again!!!! Feeling good today, and my first day back to work and with no hangover. Works not that bad....could it have been that alcohol is part of the problem???? hahahaha! I betchya!