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[1967]

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good luck liz...

[A Work in Progress]

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I will echo DG: having a plan is SO IMPORTANT, and once having a plan, having everything in place to make sure the plan is POSSIBLE, along with as much support as possible from others... telling them what your plan is... Hard to not drink when spouse is drinking... I did that for quite a while, partly motivated out of reflecting on how the alcohol was affecting my partner, knowing I did not want that for my life.

Whatever works (along as it is not harmful)!

best wishes,

wip

[vera-b]

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Hi Liz,

Good for you for tackling this issue head on! I'm with Doggy - the cd's have been very helpful for me. Since my biggest issue is mental (I'm actually a pretty level-headed person except when it comes to booze - only my adult girls think I'm a little daft!). Anyway, just going through the exercise of trying to replace my old mental tapes that kept on playing that tired old song "Of Course You Want A Drink, Babe" to the current hit "I'm Sober and So Amazing" is worth it. Whatever it takes . . . stay posting, it's the best way I know of to keep on track.

V.

[lizalaraine]

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I had said I would be accountable every day here, at least until I can be quite a few days AF behind me. However, I'm back to day 1. I was sitting here at work yesterday and in the afternoon the "force" took over me and I couldn't stop thinking about stopping and buying a bottle of wine and I did and I drank it all. I woke up this morning so mad at myself. I need to work on developing some kind of plan when these thoughts invade my mind. I hate to spend the money (although I don't my spending it on wine to kill myself) on the CD's - I am going to order them when I am done writing this. I evidently have a lot of mental struggle going on in my head. I listen to all of you and know I am not alone in the fight and I want soooo badly to overcome this and I WILL.

I tell myself - if I went to the dr and he told me I had an allergy to chocolate and if I ever ate any it would kill me - I truly believe I wouldn't touch another piece - I have too much to live for. I truly know the answer to this question but I just keep saying why why why does this have such a hold over me or anyone? I tell myself that the devil is in that bottle and I have to fight the devil every day.

I usually do ok on day 1 but I have the weekend ahead of me, although I will be busy with my daughter and her family all weekend. They don't drink and I don't drink in front of them. I am going to be AF - I am going to get through Day 1, then Day 2 and Day 3 and every day thereafter. I want No Regrets - I want to live to be really old & healthy and be a greatgrandmother someday....I do have a ways to go for that. I think it is sad I'm a grandmother of 6 beautiful grandchildren and I'm an alcoholic fighting the fight of my life. No one but me knows the extent of my problem but if I don't get a handle on it they will and I just couldn't face that.

Well thanks to all for listening.

[mwo2]

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Are you able to listen to your subliminal cd at work? that may help, once you get it. or even in the car on the way to and from work. I have heard that the lglut powder under you tongue also helps for those quick urges. Hope that you do well today, keep on reading and posting! Drink your water !

[kriger]

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Liz,
I, too, have a husband who drinks more than me. I have been watching him go downhill, especially over the last 3-4 years. Since both of us drink we have been making very poor decisions about many things and letting our house go. I decided one day that I need to get in control before we lose everything we have worked so hard for. I have been unable to stop (I have that same little demon in my head that takes over at 5pm), until I found this site and program and all of you great people. You sound hopeful about your weekend-that is great- you WILL get through it. I am telling myself the same thing but at the same time I'm scared. It's my first real challenge. I think my plan will be to plan some really good meals for my family (I love to cook and watch cooking shows) and I'll also start to tackle the mess of my house. Good luck Liz-my thoughts are with you this weekend! Kriger

[SpiritGirl]

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You should join our "August Come One Come All" thread... There are many people that are in your same boat and are challenging themselves to an AF August... We'd love to have you participate with us!

[lil.michelle]

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Hey
Reading your post was just like reading about me. I do the same. All i want to dois give up and as i was driving home i did the same as you!!! You're not alone. *BIG HUG* i'm waiting on what people say for you post to help me too!!!! *kiss* We'll get through it. I have a 9 month old child who i love more then life itself. WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS!

[vera-b]

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Hi Liza,

I mentioned the cd's in my earlier post - have the subliminal one in my laptop and am listening to it now. One of the things I did was set up "my time" every day at roughly 5:00, the old cocktail hour. I turn on the laptop, pop in the earphones (so I can play the cd), pour myself a cool tonic and lime, and come here. I believe one of the subliminal messages is "you like listening to these tapes" which helps make this special time all the more enjoyable. The posts are uplifting and supportive, the beach sounds of the cd are relaxing, the drink is refreshing, and I finish feeling so good. I actually look forward to this special time like I used to anticipate my drinks. In fact, if anything is going on which interrupts "my time," I can be very irritable!! Even husband knows not to call and say he's on his way! Just a thought . . .

And Kriger - I can't stand cooking, but love a clean house. Can we barter our talents somehow? Like I clean a room for a prepared entree??? Having to prepare dinner severly cuts into my "special time!"

V.

[lizalaraine]

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It's 9:15 pm and I haven't drank today and I will be ok the rest of the night. I kept very busy tonight and still have things I want to do. I have a busy day tomorrow and plan to keep busy. I loved the idea of setting a special time aside and making the tonic and lime and listening to the CD, which I've ordered. On to day 2 tomorrow.

I know this sounds silly but I have felt a sadness tonight becaue I have given a lot of thought to not drinking and I know I have to quit. But it makes me sad - I like wine and I like the way 2 or 3 drinks makes me feel....but I don't want to ruin my health. Plus the fact that I can only go 2 and on occasion 3 days and not drink tells me I have a problem.:teeter: These guys remind me of what I go through...I try so hard to not drink and then the darn devil appears. I want No Regrets.

[mwo2]

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I too felt the sadness esp. between days 3-10...but not since. I hope that you get the great feeling after the sadness, the self empowerment of: I can do this, I do feel better AF all the way !

[lukalee]

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WIG was right on the money. You're going to have these thoughts. It is very difficult to push them away, because you're not really dealing with the problem in the first place. You need to deal with these thoughts/cravings head on. Why do you want that drink? What the hell is so special about it?
Honestly, what is so special? Does it relax you? Hell no. Read the boards; most of us suffer from alcohol induced anxiety. Does it make you the life of the party? Maybe when we were in high school; now that we are grown adults, it just makes us look like sloppy drunks. We are the life of the party, because everyone is laughing at us. I challenge you to think of one good, legitmate reason to drink alcohol when you are not able to.

[lizalaraine]

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lukalee - you really layed it out and gave me some food for thought I use the pretext it relaxes me but when I get home. I usually have all kinds of things I plan to do...I make a to do list everyday and if I end up drinking I am lucky to get 1 thing done and then I wake up frustrated because the list just grows.

I know there are no good reasons to drink when I can't - NONE but somewhere in my mind when the urge overcomes me - all the reasons not to drink vanish. As for being the life of the party - when I was younger I would have a drink to make me more comfortable around people. Now the kicker is - if we go to reception, party, etc which is rare I don't drink because I know I have to drive my husband home. Most of his friends think I'm a fuddy duddy because I don't drink a lot out socially. I drink at home by myself. I know I am using it to numb me and I need to get to why I need to be numb....which there are a lot of reasons but I must find a more constructive way to deal with my issues.

[lukalee]

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Very insightful post; this is a very good step in the right direction. How do you feel about being considered a fuddy duddy? I know that tonight I went out with about 20 people; only 3 of us weren't drinking. I got a couple of comments about me being in a bitchy mood---which I really wasn't---but I am usually pretty rowdy when I go out. These people do not realize that I usually slam a few before I even go out. Anywho, these types of situations normally make me cave in. I think, "God, I don't want people to think I am boring or bitchy." The thing is, right now I am trying to find myself. Screw them if they cannot handle it. The truth is, I am the one who cannot handle it. I watched the way these people drank. All but 3 of the 17 who drank nursed a beer/cocktail for an hour.
So my other question is, why are you numbing yourself? This is THE biggest thing to figure out.
Some of my reasons would be.....
1. I'm broke and would like to hide from that fact rather than taking the necessary steps to improve this.
2. I am a fucking control freak. If something does not happen the way that I want it, when I want it, it drives me absolutely nuts. When I drink, most of the time I don't give a shit. But watch out when I am controlling AND drunk.
3. I have a chemical imbalance that I have been ignoring for 20 years. Instead of taking the necessary steps to elevate the problem, I was self- medicating. When fighting addiction, it is not only important to take care of ourselves emotionally and spiritually, but physically as well.
These are just a few reasons why I like to numb. Maybe you can try to write a few for yourself?

[lizalaraine]

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OMG lukalee- we are so alike....
1)I have money issues because of my addictive personality. I have spent my entire adult life addicted to something.....so why should I now be surprised it is alcohol. It's been food, work, spending and now alcohol. Due to my past spending addiction I have alot of debt to repay. I had to come clean with my husband a little over a year ago and was shocked he did not leave me. But we are working through that. I guess that is why I tolerate his drinking - he is gone all week so it's only on the weekends and easier to cope with.
2) I am also a control freak and don't care when I drink, I'm happy go lucky-I feel free. I am a co-dependant & am working on not doing for everyone else all the time. I just had this revelation...if I am doing things for them (my kids & husband) all the time - I'm controlling some of their life. I don't have to work on mine and face my issues. Hmmmm
3) I have had to be on anti-depresents for years. I come from a family of depressed people. Alcohol is just another form of self-medicating and numbing. I know my reaction to alcohol is a type of chemical imbalance - I cannot process alcohol the same as someone else.
4) I would say at this moment in time, the biggest reason I drink is to not face myself and my issues. I have spent my adult life feeling unworthy of anything. I could never ever do anything good enough for my mother, even into my adult life. She was a very troubled soul and I love her (she passed away 4 yrs ago-brain tumor). Bottom line is, this is today - blaming anyone other than myself for my life choices is absurd and I know it...I have to put the past to rest, live for today and pray I have a tomorrow.
So today is day 2 - I am full of hope and insight. I will take my supplements and am going to be very busy today. The challenge will be when my husband comes home - 1st thing he does is grab a beer and then I think - what will a couple glasses of wine hurt? I can do this though. I want to be AF.
As for being a fuddy duddy - when I'm with others that are out of control drinking and telling their drunk storeies it disgusts me. I really don't care what they think of me - 10 yrs ago I would have, but getting older you learn some of those things just don't matter.
Hugs to all, Liz