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[Seacailin]

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Lukalee
You made me think of a couple of acronyms that I learned in Rehab 5 years ago.
F.E.A.R.=Fuck everything and run (drinking) F.E.A.R.=Face everything and Recover (not drinking) My drinking was all about stomping out the anxiety that I had over finances, work, etc...Funny thing was, I could not go to work because of drinking, but I would drink more, because I would have so much anxiety about losing my job. Insane, huh?

[lukalee]

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Liz, great post. Oh, and I completely forgot about the not feeling good enough part. I don't think I really got that from my parents, but the loser men I chose to marry/date. The inadequency feeling probably stems from the controlling issue. If I can't control it to my liking, then obviously I am not good enough. So, I think I end up dating where I have the least bit of control so I can keep my life as insane as possible. A bit ridiculous, but what can I say.

[CS04]

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Seacailin, those are great acronyms! (FEAR) It's like the devil and the angel standing on both of your shoulders! I will remember that tonight - esp. at 5:00. (even earlier tho, cause it's Sat.) ugh.

[lizalaraine]

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I know all this support is helping....I made it through day 2 and now am ready for a very busy day 3. I don't think today I will even have time to think about drinking (who am I kidding - it's always there) but I feel I can make it through day 3, which has always been a rough one. But I know day 4 will be a BIG challenge. I will be back to work and then will be alone after work.

I have to make this short, as I have to go to my daughters for a busy (hot) day (yard sale), we are suppose to have temps in the 90's and our hummidity is high.

I love the FEAR advice and thank you, thank you, to all. Until tonight.
Hugs,
Liz

[Alley]

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Lukalee,
Your post on the party was so true. I think, Why can't I just order a drink and then take my time with it? Why do I have to suck the first three down like I'm some kind of alcohol-breathing fish? I remember Stephen King stating in his book, On Writing, that even after years of being AF, he can't walk past a table in a restaurant and see a half-empty glass of wine without thinking about the person, Why are you not finishing that? You've got a perfectly good half-glass of wine left there!

Thinking of you, Liz, and all. Alley

[CS04]

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I didn't realize Stephen King was an ex-drinker (or non drinker; whatever). At parties I would gather up glasses with any leftover wine and bring them into the kitchen, so I could, er, dispose of them properly.

[CS04]

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Oh and Lukalee, I have all the same reasons. I will try to think of more. Wouldn't that be a fine thread: Reasons to Numb Ourselves? God how depressing...

[lukalee]

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CS, it really doesn't have to be depressing. Once we are able to face what is going on instead of drinking, it is far less depressing. I may be completely broke and unable to pay many bills, but I am better off than someone who is physically unable to do anything about it because of a disability. Nothing is stopping me from getting a second, third, or even fourth job. And nothing is stopping me from improving my sprnding habits. I am trying my best to not drink or smoke; the money I will save this last half of the year will be incredible!!! Not doing either of those things will save me enough to pay a pretty substantial bill.
There are many actions I can take in order to make the depressing at least a little more doable. It's not going to be perfect; that is not possible. But at the very least, life can be managable; in fact, it can be quite enjoyable once I get the hell out of the way and live life on life's terms.

[CS04]

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Hey Luk, thanks for the positive spin on things. Once we add up (OMG) what we spend on AL, the bills could be paid and gone. Keep on truckin'.....

[vera-b]

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Wow,

So much insight! I, too, believe that we all need to take long stock of ourselves and our drinking motivation. It has to be an honest assessment that includes a willingness to confront our issues rather than merely point to someone else for blame. We may feel worthless because others around us send us that message, but at the heart of things we're probably sending that message to ourselves. And while all the self appraisal is healthy, it's ultimately what we choose to do about it that changes us. We can choose to re-order our thinking, and work on ways to lift ourselves up. Some pray, others meditate, others engage in activities that are rewarding and feed the self esteem, and others do all 3 and more.

And the only way we can approach all of this is with an alcohol-clear head. So, Liz, while you're busy sorting out your life and your motivations, go ahead and practice sobriety. Sometimes the action has to preceed the feeling. And use all the help here in that endeavor. Cheers to our mutual success!

V.

[lizalaraine]

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OK, here goes accountability. I drank last night and am so utterly mad at myself. Had a great day-very busy, in the evening went to a pool party with my daughter and her kids and the minute I got hom I took a drink. Right now I am going to foucs on the fact that for "almost" 3 days I didn't drink and how good I felt, not just physically but emotionally. I don't get hung over sick when I drink-I'm just drug out and feel so frxo?!# guilty. I also realize I was so busy I forgot to take my supplements.

So I am back to square one but I'm here to start over. I received a call last evening, one of my best friends was diagnoised Fri with breast cancer. So that was a bit of a wakeup call.

Today is Day 1 (again) and I am going to take my supplements, read the book, the posts, drink a lot of water, pray and start walking when I get home from work.

Lectures (please)
Liz

[A Work in Progress]

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Hi, Liz, no lecture, I'm just realizing, right along with you, how much we need to remember that it is not always the big stuff, but the small stuff, that will trip us up... Forgetting to be vigilant is what I call it... and forgetting to carefully observe the decisions we are making, because sometimes these little decisions become the foundation of an episode of drinking... forgetting to take my supplements "because" I am so busy is a good example...

There is a wonderful concept in the relapse prevention world called Apparently Irrelevant Decisions. These can be links on the chain of events that lead to relapse and, when we are making these decisions, they seem harmless. For example: deciding to drive home along a different roadway one day... and that roadway just happens to be where there is a liquor store we used to go to... and when we see that liquor store, the urge to stop in and buy some booze is gigantic... but really the urge was already starting back when we were deciding to take that new route home... we just weren't paying attention.

The decision seems to be totally unrelated to alcohol, and it requires a lot of mindfulness, attentiveness, paying attention to what we are thinking and feeling, to notice that we might be going down the path to relapse... So these are called "apparently irrelevant" decisions. Gotta keep an eye on what we are doing... and what the agenda really is...

best wishes,

wip

[lizalaraine]

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I did not drink today. I bought tonic water (which I had never drank before) and lime juice, plus lemon for my regular water and the tonic and lime was wonderful ice cold. I went to the store to get these things and before you know it I had a bottle of wine in my cart.....I mean one more bottle wouldn't hurt, would it? I walked down two more isles and with all the resolve I could muster I put it back on the shelf and got out of the store. I took my supplements and read today so on to day 2 AF. Liz

[A Work in Progress]

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That's great, Liz!!

wip

[mwo2]

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lizalaraine

:goodjob::thumbs::happy::yay::thumbsuproud:

for putting al back !!!!