Spouses who drink

[CS04]

There were a few posts on another thread -- I can't remember which one -- about how those of us who are trying to be AF, or at the very least cut back, when hubby/wife/BF/GF drinks -- especially if that partner drinks as much as we do. When I asked hubby back in May if he would have a few nights a week AF with me (when I was trying to every night AF) he totally backpedaled and basically said no. I then felt totally alone. Beer or wine is always in the house and always a part of dinner. There are some nights when I can say no but it is really hard, night after night. Many nights I cave. I know it is my choice and my decision whether to drink or not, but I end up feeling kind of alienated. I am not blaming hubby for my problems. I know it is doable but difficult, but does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle the other person's AL habit in the house? I know hubby has issues with it as well; he doesn't see it that way. I have been trying off and on to confront this demon of my own for years, and he knows of my efforts and my involvement with MWO, and he "supports" me, but I really don't know if I can do this under this roof with him with unchanged circumstances and a fridge full of beer -- not to mention the wine, which is my biggest weakness at dinner.

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

Well, I tried to send mine floating down the stream this morning (clearing track 2), but he's still here. So I'd appreciate any advice as well...LOL!

I guess I'm doing okay considering it's in my face constantly. I swear every time I turn around there is a fresh drink waiting. But if I just wait 15 mins., then another 15, the time passes and the witching hour is over and he's drunk and acting like an idiot before I know it. So seeing that "helps". But makes me sad...:upset:

Great thread! Look forward to the comments! :h

[Alley]

Spouses who drink

Same Boat

I'm afraid I can't offer any solutions, as maybe some others can, but I can sympathize. I met my husband in a bar and we've been drinking together ever since. He talks about wanting to cut drastically back, but I don't see him wanting to do anything drastic to make that happen. When I told him about the site and the help, he just nodded and said, Mmm hmmm. Honestly, one of the reasons I put off doing something about my own drinking for so long was because I am afraid of what might eventually happen to our marriage if I manage to quit and he doesn't. We know nothing is as boring as a drunk when you aren't drinking. Not to worry now, I've got a long way to go.

I remember someone saying (sorry, can't remember the thread) that her husband became an example of a non-drinker and just never pressured her until she began having serious thoughts about quitting, too. I think I'm just going to take that approach for now. What do you think? Alley

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

Alley, I remember that comment too, about her hubby leading by example, or smth like that. I was hoping that would work for me/us, back in June when I had 21 days AF. Hubby would see that "it's OK!" well ha ha. I think in order for it to be really effective, though, I (!) need to stick with it better, so it is more real. Makes the job even harder, doesn't it?

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

Alley,
I understand that fear of what would happen to your marriage if one quits and the other doesn't. This has been one of the most difficult months ever of our marriage (18 years) , as I have zero tolerance for anything he says or does while drinking. I'm pissed off at him constantly (because he drinks constantly). I feel like I'm changing and growing and he's sitting there commanding the house from his chair - because he's too lazy and drunk to get up from the chair - except to pee or mix another. I look at him and just want to smack him. That's not good...

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

Oh River, I have similar fears -- what if this makes my marriage harder! What if my relationship gets worse? We are not in an awful state, but are totally broke and hubby is refusing to talk with me about any real productive solutions. Have you tried counseling?

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

My hubby's not a talker either (about serious stuff - its all jokes). We did counseling like 10 years ago when I split for a while. Come to think of it, that was caused by a lot of anger I had that he drank during my pregnancies and partied like crazy, I had to take care of the kids, etc. while his life didn't change.

I think we are in for a real struggle...I know I really hold onto resentment and I can feel it growing by the minute...

I think we scare them by doing this. We want to change and they don't. No one could make me quit til I was ready, so I guess I understand that, but wow - does it make it hard!

[Alley]

Spouses who drink

River,
I have also felt like you on the (rare) occasions when I wasn't drinking and he was. He thinks he can carry on a conversation but he starts to stutter and not make much sense before long. We don't live together during the week, but I can always tell when he's been drinking when I talk to him at night. And like the hypocrite I can be, I've told him that I don't want to talk to him when he's buzzed ( like I'm such a catch when I've been at it). I think the person who posted about her husband must have a truly great guy.

CS--I honestly don't know if I could have that much patience if I was trying to be sober at the same time. I think I'm going to try and come up with things we can do together that don't involve drinking so that at least part of the time, we can spend it together sober, and then maybe if he's drinking and I'm not, I can go off and read or do something by myself. It may be easier for me now because he already isn't in my face all week. That's one reason I told myself to try and quit now before we are back together all the time and fall into the same bad habits together. I do think counseling may be in the future if we don't improve mutually. God, I dread that if it comes to be! Scary.

[A Work in Progress]

Spouses who drink

When I first went into AA, years ago, I remember someone saying that it was important to face the fact that if you choose sobriety, you might lose your marriage... even if your partner/spouse is NOT a drinker, the changes that people go through when they sober up (even though they are positive changes) sometimes create an imbalance that the marriage cannot survive. It is a very scary thing to contemplate, even if the marriage is already troubled (and it usually is, of course, if one or both of the partners is a problem drinker). On the other hand, it's important to remember that continuing to drink within an awful marriage is no way to make the marriage last... ! Life gives us terrible dilemmas, sometimes...

I've been there, had a partner who (supposedly) quit drinking... I quit, too, to set a good example... turns out it was only me who had quit, my partner was hiding bottles and pretending that slurred speech was a symptom of low blood sugar! I bought it, for a while, anyway... !

wip

[Alley]

Spouses who drink

Sorry to hear about the past partner, wip. I have a friend who is five months pregnant with a guy. He promised her he would not drink during her pregnancy, but turns out he was lying, sneaking around with spiked coffee thermoses, beer in the truck, etc. She caught him and he swears he's been AF for a month now but wants to go back to drinking when the baby's born. She's afraid he won't be able to cut back enough. I love both of them and worry.

I don't think my husband would hide anything, but we haven't gotten to that point, yet. I so hope I can be the good example and he will follow my lead. What I do know is that I am determined not to keep drinking just to keep us together, so we'll see what happens. Thanks for sharing. A

[time2change]

Spouses who drink

I can relate to this very well. My husband has always been a party guy. I never really had an issue with alcohol until a seperation from him about 7 years ago. I became depressed and was put on anti-depressants. That was when I began drinking to help sleep and it progressed.
Meanwhile the husband has drank and done recreational drugs for years and years. Shortly after that seperation when he returned home, his drinking seemed to progress, but I was drinking too so I ignored it. Not good for the kids when both parents are drinking.
What I am finally realizing is that I used the alcohol to numb my feelings and ignore the failed relationship. He has always been irresponsible, but this has progressed as well. For instance tonight when I got home from work he was in the chair with a beer and he did not leave that seat except to get a beer or pee the entire evening. To top it off he is diabetic and has health issues, so he really should not drink. There is always beer in this house and almost always an open one around.
I have been coming to realize that I can not help him and it is time for me to take care of me. I know my marriage has been over for a long time, but since he has no responsibility he will never leave. I am feeling so much resentment when I see him drinking. I think he would love it if I drank again just so it keeps me stuck in this situation. I am no longer going to allow him to bring me down. i need to be happy again. I know the only way to do that is to break the cycle. Seeing him drink makes me that much more resolved to rise above it all. Thanks for this thread because typing this feels really good right now.

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

A Work, yes - what a dilemma! I do find the troubles much more troublesome to put up with when sober. What I mean is that before I could zone him out by drinking myself numb or at least temporarily happy. Now I see him in such a different way. I see a lazy person who barks at the kids and stumbles up to bed. He just went to bed and I am breathing a sigh of relief. . . I do think we've had an imbalance for a long time, it is just really pronounced now.
Although...I do have to admit I am still quite moody and bitchy from this struggle, so in all fairness he's had to put up with some pretty wicked comments...I'm sure that isn't helping the situation.

[ready2change]

Spouses who drink

My husband drinks as well. When we got together, he told me he had been sober for years. Not so...and we began to be drinking partners shortly after we got together. I had secretly hoped he would be my saviour from drinking when I first met him and believed he had been sober for years.

River..he reminds me of your spouse, when he drinks he sits in that damn chair and cruises in and out of awakeness. It drives me friggin nuts. I just want to slap him sometimes. I drink, and when I've had enough, I fall asleep (go to bed). I am so sick and tired of the lost weekends...hungover...sitting in that damn chair all weekend.

I know that when I get sober for real...it may end our marriage....so be it. I actually look forward to it on some level. Take tonight, I get home (he knows I said this a.m. I don't want to drink tonight) and he brings me home a bottle of MY wine. What do you think I do??? I drink it.

I am so sad...so lonely..no intimacies any longer (we've only been together 7yrs, and married less than 3). I miss what I thought I had. But when I get sober, I imagine it will be over. He lies about alcohol, I don't. I don't care what anyone thinks or says...but he is used to lying about it. So...were not alone, are we?

R2C

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

Time2, what is my husband doing at your house? I thought he went up to bed...Did he at least flush? LOL!

But on a serious note...I feel for you, I know what it is like
We have to stay strong.

[ready2change]

Spouses who drink

(((HUGGS))) Time to Change....I can so relate....you will be okay...keep your path.