Spouses who drink

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

Ready2, my hubby does that too, mixes me my drinks as a "favor". His last favor almost killed me when I drank to the point of almost throwing up in my sleep. I was on the phone not paying attention to drinks and he kept supplying jack & cokes which got clearer by the drink. I woke up barely able to make it to the bathroom, gashing my wrist somewhere along the way. So remember those drinks or bottles of wine are no favor. I am also on a constant diet and he makes me a huge plate of food I can't resist just as I come off the treadmill. I seriously think he is threatened by me trying to improve myself. But I will keep plugging along, telling myself that my kids deserve it and I deserve it. You do too!
I'm so sorry you are sad and feeling lonely...but no, you are not alone.:l

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

River, Time2 and Ready2,

Owwie owwie! I feel so bad. I was pissed at hubby earlier for being uncommunicative, but I know we will eventually talk. I do love him with all my heart and think that we can and will be OK. We've been married for almost 9 yrs, been together for 14, and our baby will be 2 at the end of the month. We're both 42. As much as I know we need change, I am worried what those changes will bring. Last night we were finally talking, and I thought the AL may have lubricated the conversation, so I went with it. River, I think my hubby is threatened too by my efforts, so when I don't hold to them, I think it undermines me even more. I don't know if he doesn't *get it* or he gets it and won't admit it.

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Wow, the Lord does work in mysterious ways. I logged on tonite to start a thread about how I miss my husband. I've been depressed all evening, and finally came out of my bedroom after a major pity party with myself.
I don't know what to do, but I'm tired of feeling like I did when I was pregnant both times. Alone. At least I've got the boys now. But I miss the conversations. I want to sit outside with him and drink beer and smoke ciggies. Then again, not so much. I don't know. But if this keeps up, it's not going to work. This all started today when he got home from work, he sat down and was actually talking to me, making plans with me. Then one of our friends showed up to work on my car, and DH couldn't get over to the beer fridge fast enough! When I went back outside 3 hours later he was in the process of packing his cooler with more beer so he could go do some farming. Then more beer drinkers showed up. I was obviously upset, I think he'd rather have me drinking and smoking again. He thinks I'm just a bitch, we're never together anymore. Unless he doesn't feel like drinking, then he sits in his chair and watches tv. Which is VERY rare.
It makes no sense to want to drink and smoke. The only ones around drinking are guys. All the good wives are home waiting for them.
I can truly relate to the above posts, I'm going back and reading them again. I'm sure I will be posting again too. We have this wedding to go to this weekend that is going to totally suck big time--I was looking forward to it, thinking I could go and be AF, but at this rate I'll be drinking and smoking right along with the rest of them.:upset:

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

LVT, I am so sorry you are having this hard time -- but I think I agree with you about hubbies wanting us to keep drinking. That's how I felt during my AF stint in June. It was still the elephant in the living room -- he would drink and I would not, and it would be...stifled (not all the time but a lot). When I was pregnant, this bothred me a bit, but not as much. I drank a little bit when pregnant, a glass or 2 here and there, bit it was really no big whoop. I think men may be a little more resistant to change than women are (I do not want to piss off our male MWO friends!) Change is fucking hard for all of us. I still think that hubby is wanting our old life before baby, or even our old life before I lost my FT job 5 years ago, when we didn't have the financial turmoil we are now in. I don't mind trying and facing a new life (yeah, having a baby at 40!) but I do NOT want to be alone while doing it. I even said this to hubby when pregnant, and I just don't think he got it.

[livingfree]

Spouses who drink

Hi Ladies -- I don't know if this will help but just some ideas to think about.

It is hard to quit drinking when you have a drinking spouse. It's esp. hard when they drink to much ... but you have to do this for you and your Children first. (if you don't have kids - than it just for YOU). Living with a drinking husband tests your patience in more ways than one, but you will get used to seeing the alcohol around with out taking as much as a sip.

After you have grown into this new lifestyle - you will be able to go ANYWHERE and not be tempted to drink - as you are used to seeing it daily. Then when you have some time AF - and are ready to tackle the "marriage" with a clear AF head ... you need to deal with that relationship. Some marriages won't make it - BUT by living out your sobriety - you will be a great example to your spouse, and they will have a slight change in how they view their own drinking.

It may come down to having to make a move --- but right now - you just need to stand firm in your decision not to drink - and leave that "team" effort alone for now. If they spiral out of control - it is not you that can fix that -- only they can.

My husband still drinks and there is always beer in my refrig - but I am no longer tempted by it. Even when I am home alone. It's like seeing milk. It's there .. . But I won't drink it. My husband drinks a lot LESS now - and we both know I'm no longer his drinking partner - but our relationship has been deepened by MY being clear headed and sober.

Baby steps ... one drinker cleaned up at a time is sometimes reality. But you can DO THIS. Find other interests, places to go and people to see. He will see that you are enriching your outside relationships, not isolating ... and start to see how great life can be without al banging on your head every morning.

Time will give you a better view as to what you should do. Just hang in here and don't give up.

Hugs to all of you

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

CS--
I guess when you've been drinking buddies your whole relationship--its bound to be really hard when one quits. I'm trying to be real about how I'm feeling. I could be hanging around with him, it's my choice not to be around him and the drinking. What do I really miss, him or the beer/ciggie habit? I hated my pregancies--there was always someone around drinking beer with him. Hubby was the one that taught me how much a person can get done in the evening when you're tired--just keep drinking. He works really late as long as he has his beer cooler--has been this way as long as I've known him--that will never change. What needs to change is the way I feel about it. At first I could find plenty of things to keep me busy, including coming here, but lately it's really starting to bug me. The fact that we have always had a horrible time communicating doesn't help matters. Now when he talks after he's had a few it just irritates the hell outa me. then I get really frustrated when he doesn't remember what I've told him, and he almost goes out of his way not to tell me anything.
Oh, I'm rambling again--so happy for a place to vent. I still can't believe you started this thread tonight!

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Oh, Liv,

Please keep saying stuff like that to help me through this. I haven't felt this bad since I started the program.:upset:

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

Liv, what an awesome post. Thank you!:h

[time2change]

Spouses who drink

I don't think it is just their drinking that is the problem. At least for me, it is the total lack of responsibilty. Even over the last 7 years while I was drinking too, I was responsible for everything.
We lost our house in a hurricane in 2004 and had to move to an apartment for 7 months while the house was rebuilt. In that entire 7 months, while I fought insruance company, dealt with contrators, picked out the floors, cabinets etc, called goverment agencies for assistance, went to mediation with insurance people, well you get the picture.....
His only responsibility was to walk into the apartment and ask "what's happening over at the house today?" I'm not sure if I just let it be because I was drinking or I was drinking because of it.
Either way this is not healthy and I have let it go on too long.
Like you all I think that he would prefer for me to continue to drink so he can continue to be irresponsible. If I get myself sober and strong he knows I will move forward with my life and leave him behind.
I for one no longer want to just exist. I want to be happy again and I know that living like this is not the way to achieve happiness.
I am sorry that you are all in this type of relationship as well, but it helps to not feel so alone. I hope you all realise how important it is to take care of you first. It took me so long to understand that. I'm still working on me, but I am heading in the right direction.

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Well I dug out a couple of books my sil had given me when she quit drinking for a year, and started reading sober recovery and fell asleep to my clearing cd.
This morning DH was awake bright and early, and clearly had a quickie in mind. Sorry, not with that breath!!
Anyway, he really is a good man, that works hard. and drinks too much.

Liv's post truly gave me hope and inspiration. I do want to do this for myself and my kids. With school starting, I will be busier with their activities, and that should help alot. No more sitting around feeling sorry for myself! I've got to continue to focus on myself and the kids, he is just trying to do his best.

And it does help to hear about other's experiences with this issue!:h

[kriger]

Spouses who drink

Hi CS, Alley, River and WIP,
My husband and I have progressed pretty far into the AL pattern. We polish off 25-30 beers each night and more on weekends sometimes. We also have a neighbor that chimes in on the weekends. I am cutting down and he has noticed but last weekend wasn't so good. It is really hard to have a frig full of beer and pass it by. I haven't been able to go 24 hours yet. My best day was when I had two. We all need to try to be compassionate with our spouses during this process. Remember that when we get angry being around our drunk spouses is because we are really seeing ourselves-that is why we're angry. The mirror effect. Right now we should all just concentrate on our own health and the rest will follow. If you "detach" a little from that spouse and work on yourself things will get better. I'm trying to find things to do in the evening to break my couch and tv habit-that is where we do the most damage drinking our beer. Habits are so hard to break. I wish all of you well; we have some challenges that others on this site don't have. It can be done; I think everyone here is determined to make it work. Kriger

[kriger]

Spouses who drink

Hi Liv and Time,
I didn't see your posts when I posted before. I am just getting the hang of this posting thing. I think one good thing to keep in mind is that we can not change another person- even though we want that in the worst way. Our spouses need to make that decision on their own. Every person reaches the point of being "fed up" with their drinking at different times. The "lead by example" is a wise and gentle path to take. Some of our spouses will follow and some will not. It is a scary road to travel, but well worth the trip. kriger

[Luvwins]

Spouses who drink

Thanks CS

CS, thanks for starting this thread even though it?s a damn challenging way to start the day. Brings up lots of issues I?d rather ignore.

I?m lucky, I think, because I didn?t start my now 10 year relationship as drinking buddies. I did however successfully initially ignore my suspicion that my now-spouse had a drinking problem. And prior to being with him I had a complete non-issue with alcohol. It was just an occasional tasty indulgence for the first 20 years of my adult life. Being with my husband has allowed me to express my inner alcoholic ? he is oblivious to it partly because my problem drinking is sneak drinking.

I think my first sad realization in my relationship was that beer was his best friend, not me like he said. It was the friend he always turned to and spent the most time with even when I let him know it wasn?t working for me. LVT I can totally relate to being left behind for the beer buddies. Mine?s a blue collar boy and there?s not many models in his social sphere for NOT drinking and hanging out. (Hey men out there ? comments welcome on that one). And LVT, I'm totally with you about that breath :H and he is sheepish when I bother to mention it as a turn-off.

And then there?s the nagging worry of what this means for the kids ? I have a 6 and almost 8 year old. That?s too overwhelming to think about right now.

For me the MWO site has meant a significant shift toward much less drinking for me. That is such a blessing. I have not involved my spouse in any of my thoughts about this because I feel I can?t count on his support ? have avoided really thinking that one through.

[ready2change]

Spouses who drink

A bit of relief to hear I'm not alone..how sad is that!! Had to chime in on the "smell" issue. When I first met my hubby he smelled like popsicle sticks!! Honestly, don't know how else to describe it.

Now, when he's had 2-3 bottles of wine and a pack of ciggies...yukk!! And the next day, stale wine wreaking out his pores, and cigarette smoke clinging to his clothes. It actually gags me, and I have to plead with him to take a shower. How romantic could that ever be? How sad that AL has done this to our relationship.

R2C

[keeta]

Spouses who drink

Morning all,

Wow, I can't believe how many of us are married to the same man!

Kidding aside, I can relate to all your stories, sadly.

When ever I try to "seriously" discuss either our relationship, or our alcohol problem, it is always turned around back at me, and my problem. He refuses to see himself for the problem drinker he is. I know I can't make him see it, and I know I can't make him stop...and I haven't tried, or implied he should. But it does make it damn hard when I am trying to abstain.

Liv, your post was a good one. Thank you for pointing to the more positive. Sometimes it is too easy to get stuck in the negatives...and THAT certainly doesn't help when trying to attain sobriety!

As we approach our wedding anniversary, it makes me sad to question whether or not our relationship will survive if I get sober. That said, I know I can't let it keep me from trying. That and I can work at letting the anger and resentment go..maybe with all those things working for me, our relationship will be better. I do have to take atleast half the blame for what it has become...through drinking, and simple neglect.
I miss feeling "in love", when I look at him. I really do. How is it, now, I can look at him, and think..."What the hell was I thinking???" :upset:

Time to work on me....and there is a LOT of work to be done!!!!!