Spouses who drink

[kriger]

Spouses who drink

I'm going to log off for a few hours to get some work done around my house, groceries, etc. Talk to all later. I need you all this weekend! I'm determined to make it alll the way through the weekend AF. kriger Enjoy your Day!

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

I don't know if it was a trigger or not. In the past it has been -- "well, he is out, so why can't I have fun, too?" I didn't really feel that way last night -- or maybe I did and didn't examine it carefully enough. I hate when I am home alone all day with baby and then home all evening too. i tried to make other plans. Guess I didin't try hard enough.

Starting, that is a good point about not wanting your hubby to quit for you, and then feel guilty about it. I may mention that to him. But I do believe that as a family, WE need some lifestyle changes if we are to be better parents, and cut down on expenses.

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

Good news

I asked my hubby last night, as he was going to bed, if he would do one week AF with me. He said "I guess." I was ecstatic! When i mentioned it again this morning, he tried to backpedal with "what's this we stuff; I was tired last night..." I said I need your help to jump start this. So I really think he will be on board with me starting tomorrow. I just can't do this alone. He asked me to buy Coke at the grocery store, and I asked if he wanted any other alterna-bevs. I think this will really help me.

[time2change]

Spouses who drink

CS
I am glad that he is going to do the one week AF with you. You need to remember and you posted this already so this is not being harsh, but you have to do this for yourself. You have to remember that after that week you will need to be committed to do it for you. It is not easy when there is alcohol in your house. This I can say from experience, but it is doable. We all want this to work for you. Stay strong!!

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

Hi, sorry to bring this thread back to life if you all were done with it, but I just have to vent...
Thursday afternoon as I was surfing the boards, I just wasn't feeling too great, really bloated and tired. To make a long story short, around 3 I started looking up my symptoms, which all pointed to appendicitis. I mentioned it to drunk hubby and he wanted to take me to urgent care. Well, I'd just as soon die as arrive there with a toasted hubby, so I waited until he took his afternoon sober-up nap and left while he was sleeping. A few hours later he was up and drinking again as I was getting diagnosed. I sent a text telling him I needed surgery and to sober up so he could drive me to the hospital. By 10pm I was still waiting on the gurney and I knew he wanted to leave. So I told him to go, that I was fine, but quite frankly he stunk and I didn't want him there anymore. You know that boozy smell that mouthwash can't take care of -like it's seeping out of him. So I sat there alone from 10pm - midnight when they finally started. (I had never had surgery so I was freaking out, but would rather freak alone - how sad is that). He even told the dr. just to LEAVE HIM A MESSAGE when it was over since it would be the middle of the night. What the F***! Here my daughter (15) was in hysterics and he comes home, drinks and was just about to fall asleep when the dr. called. He doesn't even remember the conversation because he was "too tired". So I get home Friday night and he hops into his usual position, sitting there in his chair, commanding the household with drink in hand. I'm looking at him thinking "I just totally don't even love you anymore". He drank all day yesterday - well after I begged him to make a trip to the grocery store for the basics. So he thinks he did he good deed for the day and was back to drinking at 11am. I was in a drug induced haze all yesterday, but every time I woke up he was sitting there on the chair, drink in hand watching TV. He'd say, can I get you anything honey, and when I'd ask for water he'd yell for the kids to get it. Finally I yelled at him that I wanted him to get it and he replied "that's what we have kids for" (to do our work), which really hurt my son, it made him cry (he has asperger's/autism). He was still tearing a few hours later, asking me why dad would say that.
Today he had to be at work at 7am. I hope he had the hangover of his life!
Thanks for listening, I'm not expecting any solutions, just needed to be heard. I felt like I needed to voice my anger and disappointment somewhere, and this is my haven. :l
Love you all, River

[mwo2]

Spouses who drink

Oh... Dear River...I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that alone! What a scary thing ! I simply do not know what to say in regards to your husbands behavior except that the fact that you ""would rather freak alone" and that you say " I just dont totally love you anymore" may need some soul searching...
Is there not anyone you can call for some bedside help? I so hope that you recover well ! And am glad that you were able to share this with us.
Best Regards,
mwo2

[vera-b]

Spouses who drink

Well said MWO2,

What a nightmare for you River. I am encouraged, however, that you are a source of strength and reason for your children. At least they see one parent modeling the self control and compassion that will help define their own lives. You deserve a sober, happy life and they do, too. I'm hoping you're well on your way to healing from your appendectomy; and hope the rest of your world can heal as well (though you make it sound like that's not happening any time soon). Vent if you need to. We can take it. That's what MWO friends are for. Take care--

V.

[river0123]

Spouses who drink

Thanks so much mwo2 & verab. I am very lucky that the kids and I have a sweet relationship, which I owe a lot to being AF. We talk and share things now, where before I would have been "too busy" to listen. I know I am a much better mother now than before MWO. They have been truly wonderful and I feel very loved by them. I think it was good for them to miss mommy overnight, and wow, do they seem to appreciate me all the more! My daughter has been a dream, taking care of me like a little mommy. It's great to feel so loved by them.
Thanks again for listening, I feel so much better just getting it "out there".:h:thanks:
Oh, no ma'am, if you read this, just spend one night away from the little ones and you'll see how much you are loved and missed. Mommies Rock

[mwo2]

Spouses who drink

VeraB - YES ! To be able to be the source of strength and reason for our kids! and all that you said.

River - YES ! To be able to talk and share with our kids ! and all that you said.

It brings strength to ourselves knowing that we are the ones that our kids see as making right choices and to be whole. It is a driving force to continue on our path of being free from al. It also brings strength and the clarity to help them deal with others in their life that are not making good choices and how they can still love that other but not approve of what they are doing and to see that it is not the way that they need to go ...( my kids Dad for one who they see every other weekend and school breaks.) And for them to be able to verbalize their feeling and to be heard is so important.

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

River,

What an awful experience for you! "They" just don't get it do they? It is still amazing to me the way AL can control all rational thought. I hope you are feeling better by now. It's nice to have a place to vent, isn't it? sounds like you are doing really well AL-wise--that's great. We just need to stay strong in our own sobriety--no matter what!! Esp for the kids!

CS--I'm wondering how it's going for you? My Internet has been acting up all week. Seems to be working today for some odd reason!

ODAT for me. Seems my hubby's drinking to excess in spurts. And some days I handle it better than others. The kids and I went out to a function last night, I'm starting to socialize again. Did great--kinda fun watching the drinkers.:H

Thanks for being here.:h

[shelbysmiles]

Spouses who drink

Bumping for Happy Feet

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Had to track this thread down so I could come here for my weekly venting. Happy feet, I hope knowing that there are several of us in this situation helps some. Any words of advice are welcome!
I'm trying so hard to maintain a good attitude. I went to bed last night and prayed hard for a tougher exterior and a softer heart. I'm sick of being tense!! I feel like I'm always running interference for the kids, or I'm not doing all the right things myself. Or I'm just crabby. Why can't I just be loving and kind--at least most of the time?? I know I'm happier. Sometimes it's hard knowing "who" I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do.
What triggered this: Last night we were invited to a church bbq. I knew hubby prob wouldn't go. I made salsa to take. Told him, not sure what you'll do about supper. He said, it's ok (drinking beer of course) maybe you can bring me something from the bbq. Well, there really wasn't anything to bring him, it was 9:00 when we got home, 9:30 when he came in so a little late to make a meal. I figured I'd make him a grilled cheese sandwich. When he did come in and asked what was for supper, didn't we bring him anything, or make him a pizza, I offer the sandwich idea. Instantly his mood changed to grumpy, wouldn't hardly speak to my son or myself. He's just make himself a pizza. Since we had pizza Sunday night--I said wouldn't you rather have something else. More grumbles, heavy sighs and making an ordeal out of his pizza. WTF???
This supper deal is kind of an issue for me, it pisses me off when I do make a nice meal and he's working (and drinking) so late, it's dried up by the time he gets to eat it, then I have the mess to clean up at 10:00 at night. I spend a lot of time with my kids now. I'm able to go to their functions and take them to things I wouldn't have been able to in the past. That is part of my "job" now. I guess he'll either come around to that notion, or not. In the meantime I either need to kiss his ass and make sure he has something to eat besides pizza every night or grow a "pair".:H
See, this helps, at least I'm making jokes now. Yes, it would be nice to talk about this with him. Prob not going to happen.:h

[Happy Feet]

Spouses who drink

LVT25, you certainly had what I call "one of those nights". I am thinking that our hubbies were from the same mold. (and that's just cheezy..sorry, I had to add that).

This change of life of putting down the bottle is, to me, a major change. Like having a baby or loosing a family member. It's not like I think I'll dye my hair a different color thing.

Here's an example of what I am going through. 3 examples from last night.

#1 Phone call on his way home. Trust me, I can't remember him ever saying this to me in 20 years. I don't remember what I said but this was his remarkable response. "Well, for a person as sweet as you..blah..blah. I don't remember the rest because I was dumbfounded with what he just said.

#2 Again him talking but now he's home sitting across from me with his beer. (for the first time since I can remember he didn't drink a 6 pack on the way home as he usually does. trust me, I could tell the difference). This time his voice was sarcastic and mean. "Did you take a happy pill today?"..that hurt because sober or not I am known to be happy. He has always hated it when I am happy, which is daily. He rains on my parade every day. The last and only time I can remember us laughing at the same time was when we were watching Ron White. We NEVER share a laugh.

#3 and this is a repeat I have heard since 8-11 when I laid down the AL. "I knew it. I told you. Things are going to change between us now. Have you already found someone else? I knew this was going to happen. Why do you have to stop cold turkey? This is just stupid. Why are you doing this to us?"

I truly don't know what brought that on. All I remember was playing with my dog when he said that.

You need every ounce of sleep you can get right now. I hate the nights when I have to go to bed praying and hoping for a better tomorrow. You do sound like me. If he was to go to the stove after a hard long day because he was concerned about my hunger and even attempted to make me a grilled cheese sandwich I would have done a back flip. Why didn't your husband just come up and give you a big hug and just say Thanks sweetheart! Him (my husband) making a pizza is like telling me I am a failure.

Sometimes I think that the addage I have always heard is some men are looking for their Mother and are trying to correct all the mistakes she made by taking it out on us.

My husband has ceratinly changed since I put the bottle down. Most would say that I am the one that has probably changed but I swear all that has changed with me is that I am not blacking out every night.

Your intentions towards you life and your families life are remarkable. Don't change that. You deserve happiness and so do your kids.

My husband is a Jeykll and Hyde right now. Is your husband doing that too? He's feeding me just enough love to keep me hanging on. I feel horrible typng behind his back and there's a large chance that he will somehow find out what I am doing online in this community and confront me harshly. I don't always remember to delete history. Even if I do delete history (on my own computer. He has his own too) he will ask me why I had to delete my history...geesh

You and I and I suppose others on here have controllers in our lives. I don't understand controllers. Shoot, I have enough trouble keeping control of myself let alone someone else.

I will tell you one thing that has ALWAYS been effective each and every time. God assured us that we have control over the devil. These bad attitudes surely did not come from our Father. I use the power God gave me and in my mind , when he is acting mean and obnoxious, I scream IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST! GET BEHIND ME DEVIL! I swear to you not that there have been times when my brain screamed that he has fallen asleep in the middle of his rant! It has never failed me. Whenever I have strayed from God the command has been weaker. For the last couple of years I have not strayed from the knowledge of His presence and His profound love for each and every one of us. I know for a fact that God put my bottle down for me. The very thought of drinking any AL turns my stomach.

It is SO frustrating to keep a stable mind when we are constantly being bombed with heavy sighs and being treated like dirt.

I tell you what. I will pray like mad for you today and let's see what God has in store for you and your kids tonight. Please Dear God put grace and love in LTV25's husbands heart. She is trying really hard to do all the things that you have asked her to do. Command your worst enemy, the dirty awful devil out of her life. Please God she deserves love and happiness and appreciation and so do her and YOUR children. In Jesus' sweet precious name I pray.

I do belive in miracles. Hang tight. Know and believe you are doing the right thing. Keep making those grilled cheese sandwiches because you know what? It is the right thing to do. You are doing your part really well! Don't rely on him to be happy. It may not happen. Be happy for you and your kids. You stopped drinking for you and your kids. Pray for hubbies happiness and COMMAND the devil to stay the HELL out of your house!

Happy Feet

[Happy Feet]

Spouses who drink

PS..

I should not leave out that my husband, on the other side of the page, responds really really nice to me whenever I compliment whatever he is doing or what he has done. I shouldn't leave that part out of my rant. I need to do more of just that thing right now because he probably is feeling very threatened.

I can tell he is scared. But so am I. It's been 20 years of drinking. This is no little ordeal.

and of course, coming on to him ALWAYS works wonders...lol

Happy Feet

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

Dilemma -- family or career?

Hi LVT, Happy Feet and everyone,
Sorry for not getting back to you LVT. Hubby and I did last week AF -- till Friday. I had figured the weekend would go back to drinking, but here has been the real kicker for me -- I had a job interview over the phone this morning, excellent pay, but it's 3 hrs away! Relocating would be really tough - we would have to sell our house, and it's in no shape to sell -- repairs needed. And I have the baby! He will be 2 next week. My best friend livesin the city where the job is, but she has 4 kids so I can't stay there permanently. And the weekend commute? How do I raise a 2 yr old if I am working 3 hrs away? Or do I keep him with me and hubby is here by himself - which I can see being a disaster. Of course hubby being single parent Mon-Fri would also be a disaster I have not actually been offered the position yet, but I am supposed to hear back from them later today.

But back to hubbies drinking. Both of you are in a real nasty situation -- how dare they be so rude to you and completely disregard your needs! My hubby and I talked last night about our AF "experiment" last week -- I think it made him think a little bit. He doesn't see himself as having a problem though, so there is nothiing I can do to that end. Someone said on this thread that having to choose between sobriety and my marriage -- if the marriage is indeed worth saving -- is a hell of a choice. I feel tense when I am AF, but I suppose that would improve over time. I know hubby felt tense too.

So I don't know where I will go from here. Maybe ODAT. The job thing is comsuming all of my thoughts and energy, and I have been drinking because life is in a tailspin. (I'm not drinking right now.) It is a major life change, that I thought I was ready for, but I keep questioning myself. I do hope the 2 of you, and anyone else on this thread in this boat, can find some peace. You don't deserve to be treated badly.

xoxo
CS