Spouses who drink

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Hey there! Ahh, Livingfree--she's a wise one, huh? I miss her and her experience and advice! Sorry you're having issues again (still) with hubby. My sil and bil will be here again this evening for a few days. When the guys get together they drink like there's no tomorrow. I've accepted it as a fact of life and fortunately sil doesn't drink so much around me.
I'm getting better at doing my own thing and calling hubby out when he doesn't communicate with me, etc. I don't mention the beer drinking, because I know that would just make things worse--he knows....So I'm just enjoying my kids and doing what I want/need to do.
Financial issues are a tough one in any marriage--even worse right now. I was fortunate to get another little job--so now we don't have to worry about grocery money and a little extra. It wasn't the greatest timing when I quit my job, but I still believe it was the right choice for me and my family in the long run.
Hang in there, CS--do what ya gotta do to "get" happy. Ok?

:l:h

Will you make me some granola--I'm too lazy!:H

[aprilmoon]

Spouses who drink

I haven't read all the post, but here is my reply.

My husband drinks on occassion. He can have one and stop. What is that???? One drink??? WTH????

I love him, but after a night of my drinking he would make so many comments that it really hurt my feelings. Now, I think he just didn't know what to say to help me. He would say things about my snoring or my coughing during the night, my breath, my kicking him in the middle of the night. Some nights of heavy drinking, I would sleep in our other bedroom and then I would hear comments about why I didn't sleep with him.

All I wished was that he would just be my drinking buddy. Now, having 3 weeks AF.....I found that he still makes comments about my snoring, my coughing during the night and my kicking. He really wasn't saying those things to be mean. It's just what I do while sleeping even without drinking. We laugh about it now.

[peacenik]

Spouses who drink

i'm not sure if this is relevant to this thread, but i have noticed that since i stopped driking 6 weeks ago, i have gone through alot of "inner changes" but my marriage is still the same. i think i drank out of boredom and loneliness since i got married 7 years ago. my alcoholism definitely progressed during our marriage as we live in the middle of nowhere and there really is no work for me (or anyone for that matter, unless one is a rancher!). i feel like i am changing and growing, but our marriage isn't. i used to think if my husband would just drink with me a little bit, we would have more fun in the little time we have together in the evenings...but now i know that isn't true and that our marriage is really just kind of boring in general...i feel terrible saying that, but it feels so true. i don't know, i think it was wip who said that even if your partner doesn't drink (mine doesn't AL ALL) and you quit, the marriage can fall apart becasue of the drastic changes after getting sober...i don't want that to happen, but i fear i drinking was what made it all tolerable.

oh boy, alot to think about...

peace!

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Spouses who drink

Hey CS,

Thanks for this thread, I just read the whole thing. My HB drinks a lot of beer, too. He knows about me and MWO, I've been very open and honest with him. I've noticed when I'm AF he slows down. He's even put in some AF days which I thought was impossible.

It's hard being the strong one. When HB and I went to marriage counseling years ago, the therapist told me my HB really listens to me. I hadn't noticed that before but I realize now she's right. He does. I'm lucky that way. I also have to "pick up all the pieces", too. My HB simply can't handle a lot of it. He's just not as strong as I am in many ways. I had a hard time with that for a while but then came to realize I said "for better or worse" and meant it.

It's going to be 20 years of marriage for us this year. I'm spending some of my AF time making a scrapbook for him as a present. He'll love it and it'll give me something positive to do and will be a keepsake for our kids. It'll also keep me focused on the important things in life, like love, giving, forgiveness. That's hard when it comes to AL. It's hard for both of us.

I'm going to continue working on me. Continue reading my books, taking better care of myself, trying to be a good role model for my kids, taking care of our home. Continue with more AF days under my belt. I won't stop. I can't. I've come too far to stop now. I slip and slide, weeble and wobble but I'm not going to fall down. Not anymore.

Maybe you're the strong one, CS. I don't know. I do understand how hard it is, though. I really do. It's every single day, every single year. We have financial stress right now, too. It's making things very hard.

I'm here with ya!
Take care,
Be

[sunshine_gg]

Spouses who drink

Great thread... thanks for bringing it back to life, CS!

I would think it'd be pretty difficult living with someone who drank a lot. I commend all of you who do it every day.

I've actually noticed that Mr. Wonderful's AL consumption is wayyyyyyy down from what it used to be. I think he's just more aware of drinking in general now, plus he probably thinks it's hard on me. Actually, I need to sit him down about that... LOL... he really can have his wine in a wine glass It's OK with me...

.

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Spouses who drink

Well, last night wasn't too much fun. HB came home from work drunk. We were supposed to sit down together and plan our business trip. Nope, he was too drunk. Had him eat something, that's called dinner, and he was rude, obnoxious and a disappointment. I was so sad. It didn't help when a neighbor, and fellow drinking buddy of his came over for a while to chat. He had a beer with HB and was able to leave after one beer. HB just kept going. He slowed down after he ate, he's got hypoglycemia. I can tell. He eats too much after not eating all day then falls asleep from being so tired. I didn't wallow in the AL, though. Just fed the kids and went upstairs to read.

One high point, when I was in bed reading my son came in. He's 17 and very anti-AL, anti-drug. He wanted to tell me something, "Sure" I said. He told me a friend of his, a 23-year old alcoholic has been 7 days AF. My son saw him in the mall and he told me his friend was 4 days AF a few days ago. I was thrilled he was sharing this with me! Anyone who has teenagers knows what I mean. I'm so happy I was open with him about my drinking and getting healthier (as I called it. He's still young enough where he doesn't need to know every detail about Mom.), about MWO and my reading and studying about addiciton. My AF days, my journey. Now he's opening up about some of his friends and their struggles, too. It's so cool we're having this dialogue and I just hope I'm a good influence. I think I'm becoming one finally.

There was no drama last night, though HB sure tried like hell, no fighting, nothing. Just a tired Mom making dinner and going to bed to read. My daughter still had her sleepover, my son had fun at the mall and gave me a kiss goodnight. Life is good and I'm going to stay strong for the bigger picture. Not bitter, drunken squabbles.

I could wring his neck! LOL, there, it's out! :H

Be

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Dear Be,
It helps to get those frustrations out here. I haven't had any difficulties with DH since the night before Christmas eve. It seems to make a difference what time of the month he decides to push my buttons. Sometimes it's a lot easier to let it roll off than others!

Now that I am sober, it's harder for me to understand the whys and hows of the ways people drink to excess. I know I can't do anything about it--so I concentrate on doing my own thing and spend lots more time with my kids. It's awesome your son had that conversation with you!!

Hang in there--:l

[gyco]

Spouses who drink

hi cs, didnt see this thread b4,never been stuck for words either ,hahahha,c s ive been doing this stop and start thing for,39 years,more so in the last 20 or so,believe it or not,my wife has been here watching me to,i guess that's part of the contract when we got married,sickness and in health,ive read some of the posts by these fine folks,what way is the best,i think the hard thing is when one gets old enough and finds out they have liver problems or other related problems from drink,thts the hard part,watching them die,cause that's what it will do,when i went back to AA last year,one of the fellows i met worked in a hospital,he worked on a ward just for people who neglected to take care of themselves when they were younger,thts one of the reasons he said as long as i keep seeing them come in id never drink again,he s many years sober now,he probably will never drink,again the motto of the story is,this is all about YOU,IF SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE IS TO HARD FOR YOU,DO AS I DO EAT SOMWHERE ELSE IN THE HOUSE,IF THERES A PARTY,TAKE THE NT OFF AND GET A HOTEL ROOM,KIK YOUR FEET UP AND GIVE HIM THE BILL THE NEXT DAY,DONT FORGET THE BUBBLE BATH,AND IF HE DONT DRINK TELL HIM HE S WELCOM,theres an old saying when the going gets tough,I figure out whats best for me.ps c s. my wife got rid of all the booze in the house,she s not my alcohol control board,do whats best for you,your friend gyco

[Luvwins]

Spouses who drink

Bump for AZnative

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

Bump for Rebus.

[Bashley]

Spouses who drink

Hello all,

Am I right in saying that most of you are women?
Well, now that I've given "it" up (again), my wife of 14 years seems to be drinking more than before. Almost like she's trying to get back at me for all the bullshit I must have put her through during my last binge and subsequent withdrawal seizure.
When she's coked and 1/2 tanked after a trip to Bogota "to pay bills" with the inevitabe "friends" she just "happens to run into", I shrink back and find a quiet place to avoid the the inevitable posturing and hot air brought on by the combination of the two drugs.
Never in my life have I hit or even thought of hitting a women or my wife, though animosity has to be fought off by getting away.
Just go out and come back when the drinker has gone to bed. They know in their heart of hearts that they have a problem - no amount of pushing and nagging is going to help until they themselves realize and admit to themselves and to others that they need help.
Not easy to say the least. I'm happier with the devil I know rather than the alternatives mentioned in various posts.
Fight the good fight.
BFN
Bashley

Pee. Ess.
Thank you Magic for the link - most informative.
XXXXX Moi

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Spouses who drink

Hey Bashley!

Yes, there are more women than men on this board but there is a separate thread for guys here.

My husband and I are in our 20th year of marriage. We are both alcoholics. We've hurt each other so many times I can't even begin to count them.

I used to do coke, don't anymore, and could never drink on it. I know others who can drink super excessive amounts on it, which makes things very difficult, I know. I've seen it. I feel for you, buddy, I truly do.

We'll hang in there, huh?

Love, :l
Be

Bashley;618395 wrote: Hello all,

Am I right in saying that most of you are women?
Well, now that I've given "it" up (again), my wife of 14 years seems to be drinking more than before. Almost like she's trying to get back at me for all the bullshit I must have put her through during my last binge and subsequent withdrawal seizure.
When she's coked and 1/2 tanked after a trip to Bogota "to pay bills" with the inevitabe "friends" she just "happens to run into", I shrink back and find a quiet place to avoid the the inevitable posturing and hot air brought on by the combination of the two drugs.
Never in my life have I hit or even thought of hitting a women or my wife, though animosity has to be fought off by getting away.
Just go out and come back when the drinker has gone to bed. They know in their heart of hearts that they have a problem - no amount of pushing and nagging is going to help until they themselves realize and admit to themselves and to others that they need help.
Not easy to say the least. I'm happier with the devil I know rather than the alternatives mentioned in various posts.
Fight the good fight.
BFN
Bashley

Pee. Ess.
Thank you Magic for the link - most informative.
XXXXX Moi

[LilBit]

Spouses who drink

Some of you may have seen my other posts describing my alcoholic BF's bad behavior when I first mentioned that I was "taking 30 days off from drinking." He did not take the news well. He became extremely insecure and actually tried to sabatoge my efforts to stay sober by continually asking me if I wanted a drink (sometimes as many as 20 times a day) and once even opening a bottle of champagne and leaving it sitting in front of me while I worked on my laptop. That actually ticked me off and only strengthened my resolve.

Somewhere along the way, he said, "But our relationship was built on AL..." and I thought, if that's true, then it's not much of a relationship, is it? I calmly reassured him that we have a lot more going for us than a bottle. I kept my own doubts abou this to myself and decided to adopt a wait-and-see stance.

Now I'm on Day 18 AF, still feeling great, and (what do you know) the BF quietly decided to go AF too. After two extremely crabby, and did I say CRABBY days, he's on Day 3. Seems a little better.

I'm still waiting to determine if I can ultimately stay with someone who could sabotage me like he did at the beginning of this effort. I want to be smart & honest about the relationship -- and non-judgmental. I know that AL makes us say & do things we wouldn't otherwise do. I suppose time will tell.

Any thoughts?

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Spouses who drink

Hey Lil,

I have a very strong thought on this. When I did my first 30 days my HB did the same thing. At the time I thought it was cruel but now I realize it was his fear. Fear of losing me if I stopped drinking. I've always said our relationship/marriage was built on partying. But time has tested that to be untrue. It was at the time, but we're growing.

We now have an agreement no AL prior to 6pm on weekdays. Also, he has had a few AL days with me, 2 this week in fact.

Stay with him. It's his fear. He doesn't want to lose you.

Love,
Be

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Lil, I agree with Be. Give it some more time, especially if he is trying also. That really does say something. You're right that a relationship shouldn't be built on AL, but when you take it away you'll know if there is something else there.
My hubby was a little sad about losing his drinking buddy--but he has plenty others, and he doesn't mind drinking alone. We were both heavy drinkers throughout our 20 year relationship. I tend to get a little frustrated with his drinking, and I am still trying to figure out who I am sober, so it does take time. Sounds like you're doing great!! Stick to your guns-you won't regret it!:h

Bashley you're absolutely right on--no amount of nagging about it will help--I'm sure in my situation it would have the opposite effect. He knows.