Spouses who drink

[LilBit]

Spouses who drink

Thanks Be and LVT. It's so great to have your perspective. I really do care for him, and will give him (both of us, really) a chance to grow. Who knows? We may even like each other better without the AL fog. I must say, we've had some really stupid arguments on AL and the next day, we just looked at each other, shrugged it off, and put it behind us. 'Kind of reminds me of the Ghostbusters II scene where the guys were covered in pink slime and ready to kill each other, but as soon as they got rid of the goo, they came to their senses. Oh, the things we put ourselves through!

[startafresh]

Spouses who drink

yes, isn't it? I like your 'picture' by the way, it always makes me smile...
best
starta:new::thanks::l

[LilBit]

Spouses who drink

'Patting myself on the back for not caving last night when a friend invited my BF and I into his bar for free drinks. The BF stopped in, but, after 30 mins. of sipping sparkling water for manners' sake, I left him there, playing dice and drinking whiskey with a bunch of old guys. I cuddled on the sofa with my dog, watched a movie, and had a hot chocolate. Good choice. I wasn't angry with him at all. He just wasn't where I wanted to be.

I think the BF will choose to/be able to mod, but after many unsuccessful attempts at modding and now almost 3 weeks AF, I just don't think I'm one of those people who can do it. Hopefully, we can continue to find our middle ground. Be, it sounds like you guys have worked out some compromises and rules along the way yourselves, so you know all about this.

Thanks, Starta, on liking the picture. "Little Bird" is not a well-known Muppet, but he's near to my heart.

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

bump for Crybaby

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

Bump again for Crybaby and Lynnie.

[crybaby]

Spouses who drink

I see a counselor Friday....am scared!!!

Thank you CS04. Your "bump" really did help me. There are times when I still get so scared. (It's only been day three AF) I would LOVE to be someone who could be a moddie, but really don't know if it's possible for me. I see a counselor on Friday, and I'm scared to death...

I'm so afraid that my husband and I will have nothing in common w/out the booze; he has seemed depressed these last few days AF, which is no surprise to me as his AF amounts daily were pretty up there. It's funny though, haven't noticed him w/ any kind of detox stuff, eg. night sweats, etc. Can someone hide these symptoms??

[CS04]

Spouses who drink

CB,
How long have you been married? I've been drinking with my husband for 25 years (we've been together for 15, but known him since high school). Not that it really matters...Many here are in the same situation. Some have made it work (they are AF while spouse drinks) but I think it takes a while, and it takes a lot of work. What everyone has told me, when I would come on here gritting my teeth about hubby and the beer/wine all evening, was that it is about you and your behavior and health, not him. That said, AL does affect your relationship and the whole family, so it's a double edged sword. But you knew that. I do know that if I am AF or not, or if hubby is AF or not, I know I need to be honest with him about my plans and feelings if I have any hope of being successful.

Also, not everyone has the same detox symptoms. I have never had night sweats, but I have real problems sleeping if I don't drink. I do think one can hide them (if I didn't tell hubby "I didn't sleep well last night" he probably would not know) but everyone's body reacts differently.

Hope this helps. Good luck with the counselor on Fri!

[Tulipe]

Spouses who drink

Hi CB and CS,
I feel your pain. My dad is AL, has been for 50 years, and my mom drank right along with him for a long time until she had an accident in 1996. Since then she drinks only moderately, but he continued to be in a stupor continuously despite nearly killing himself a number of times. She has suffered a great deal of pain, and lost a lot of her life by mopping up his messes and covering up for him. It's a real pity, because now she is 70 and think of all she lost. Him too - he was in the hospital for a month this winter and now seems to have really quit. He nearly died - for real - this time. He seems addicted to his pys therapist and is actually trying to get physcially stronger. For the last 10 years, aside from going to work for a few hours in the morning and drinking over lunch, all he did was sit in the chair with the tv on. What quality of life is that? I contrast that with my father in law who plays ball and rides bikes with our 6 year old. Seeing him go through that has been one trigger in my decision to go AF.
Also, drinking buddies may be real friends, but how much can you accomplish together?
Bottom line - don't letter someone else drag you down. If you choose to stay with them despite their use or AL, there must be enough other good in your relationship to outweigh the bad. Otherwise, if you become more independent and don't let them interefere with their quality of life, they probably won't even notice.
I'm going to start another thread on spouses who don't drink - which is my situation.
- Tulipe

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

As I periodically struggle with this situation, I went searching for this thread. I get so mad at myself, because I can't seem to let go of this co-dependent behavior towards my husband. At times I am almost obsessed with thoughts about his drinking. I can get myself so worked up when I know he is drinking and I think he should be doing something else. Then when he comes home all happy and I am a total bitch I pretty much ruin the whole evening for everyone! May I vent? After work he texted me because we talked about going out tonight for my birthday. We have been busy every evening with kid events and he had also mentioned how many projects he really needed to get done. Anyway, I told him today I really wasn't in the mood to go out, so he could go ahead and get his work done. When I asked him where he was, he was at the bar--he needed to talk to a buddy about some plans. I figured since he was there I might as well ask him to bring us some take out. Well, that gave him the out he needed to stay there for 2 hours since they weren't serving food yet. Of course by then I was pissy, because I thought he should be home getting these all important projects done. He was jolly for a bit, until I complained the food was cold. It went downhill from there and we haven't spoken to each other yet. Why oh why, when he offered to take me out, didn't I go? That way he wouldn't have stayed there and drank and I wouldn't have ruined the whole evening?
He's never going to quit, and our relationship seems to be getting worse instead of better. Some days I feel on top of the world, though, and others like tonight, I feel like crap. The question is, would it really be any better if I started drinking with him again? I think he is so used to drinking with others or by himself now, I would just end up drinking and alone. Which obviously isn't what I want either. My hubby is a good guy, he doesn't mean any harm by his drinking---why do I let it bother me so?? I'm afraid it won't be long before he is tired of my bitchiness. I am a little better at times, but more often than not, my mood is directly related to his drinking. And that just sucks!

[redhibiscus]

Spouses who drink

LVT25, It sounds like a complicated situation. Usually in a successful marriage partners should be on the same page. You are so strong to be AF when he is drinking. I am amazed. And, it sounds like inconsideration on his part, staying at the bar, drinking. But that is just my opinion. Should you drink again? NO WAY. But can you stay married to someone who drinks and do you want to? Only you can answer that. It is always complicated, never simple. You stated that his drinking bothers you. Well of course it does. Hope nothing I said offended you. Take care.

[dill]

Spouses who drink

LVT, You are incredibly strong to be AF while married to a drinking spouse! You should be so proud. Difficult times are going to be a fact in a situation like that. I think communication is most important in a marriage, but sometimes that is difficult as sometimes you can be so confused about your own feelings and wants that it is difficult to communicate them clearly. Have you considered counselling for yourself and/or both of you? If you can get a good understanding of your feelings and your needs, you can communicate them clearly and that would help a great deal. As to your question about whether it would be better if you started drinking again: I think you already know the answer to that. In my opinion, the answer is no.

Like Red, Hope nothing I said offended you. I wish you well!

I know, everbody always suggests counelling. But sometimes it really is the key!

[LVT25]

Spouses who drink

Thanks Dill and Red. No way is this offensive Red--you must be like me I say something and then worry I offended someone!! :H

Dill, as I lay in bed last night I decided I could probably benefit from some counseling. It was weird the way I felt/acted last night, because I listened to a book about couples and communicating as I was working all afternoon--a lot of good that did!
I remember my OB/GYN mentioning they have counseling in their office, and I have an appointment with him in a couple of weeks. I think I'll ask him about it. Otherwise, I have a few friends that go to counseling and I could ask them again where they go.

I re- read this thread from start to finish, and it frightens me that I'm still struggling with this situation. I really, truly believe I have to learn to live with his drinking, because I don't feel divorce is even an alternative for me. Like I said, it's not that bad--inconsiderate and selfish--yes--but the bar thing doesn't happen too often. The one thing that bothers me is I think he thinks it would be all better if I started drinking again, but I know deep down that wouldn't help--it would make it worse. If we could learn to communicate it would help a great deal. We have always had trouble sharing "feelings". We are both way too defensive--hopefully this is something I could work on in counseling.

Thanks again for the support!:h

[shirazgirl]

Spouses who drink

Hi,
I can totally relate. My husband drinks and now that I have a little af time, he looks like a complete idiot. He talks to much, repeats himself and stinks like Captain Morgan. Sex, no way. Not w/ a stinky drunk.

Now, when I was drunk, we were drunk together and I didn't notice. Trying not to be judgemental, but I know I have to completely "fix" myself before I can approach him on the subject.

So, I get it. I have AF wine in the house if I really feel like putting something in my wine glass. It's pretty useless, so I don't do that very much anymore. Besides, it tastes like grape juice!

[sparkleAZ]

Spouses who drink

I met my husband in a bar so we have been drinking buddies ever since. We have been married for 4 1/2 years but this is not my first marriage. My other marriage failed to drinking was or was a very large part of the failure.

I have now been AF for 4 days (yippeeee) which was easy because hubbie was on a camping trip for 3 of them. It is much easier for me to stay AF when he is gone. This has been a good start so I am strong not to cave in to temptation. When he got home last night I told him that I have been AF and that we needed to do this together. It has been a viscious cycle we have been in and I am confident we can get past this. I WILL, but hopefully hubbie will join me, I can not make decisions for other people but I sure can for myself.

[oasis11lg]

Spouses who drink

I didnt drink before i met my husband. Now I drink everynight and am struggling with finding balance. I am scared also how it may change our relationship if I change. I love him, and enjoy having a wine with him, but i find it hard to stop at a few glasses. I am trying to moderate. It is hard when only one in a relationship wants to change and better themselves