I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

[Chardonnay123]

Is there anybody out there? I'm here and new to this. Didn't realise that sites like this existed until I stumbled across it about a week ago - have been plucking up the courage to join ever since. Have been fascinated by other stories of people very similar to me, How did we end up like this?? It torments me every waking hour (or seems to do) I'm sure when I am well occupied that this is alien to me though (is that the answer?). What's going on and where do I start!!

I have everything going for me - 1 wonderful husband, 2 fantastic healthy and successful children, 1 beautiful home, v v sucessfull business, an adorable pet, parents and inlaws still happy and healthy, active and busy social life, wonderful car, and a wardrobe to die for!! - all the trappings - no money issues, no health issues (yeah lol! - not yet anyway), brilliant friends, travel the world - spend christmas each year in the far east, have several other holidays throughout the year - in fact travelling to europe later this week (wine, wine and more wine!!).

I am drinking heavily and really need help to stop, I hide bottles, I pretend I am ok when I am drunk and I drink and drive (occasionally with my daughter in the car!! ) - it's escalating I know and realise. I am too embarrassed to go to the doc's - this doesn't happen to people like me - does it?? I am too scared to stop as when I have abstained in the past - I can't sleep - spend all night feeling hot and 'clammy' in bed and wake the next morning feeling dreadful. Try all the right things, hot bath, hot milk, herbal remedies, cool bedroom, etc etc etc.....!! Easier to down a bottle of wine night after and know that I'll sleep like a baby!!

Am drinking on average 2 bottles of wine + a day at the mo - know it is damaging me and have started suffering from panic attacks - terrifying - made my husband call an ambulance after the first one as I thought I was dying!!

I feel selfish, self loathing, miserable and not getting the potential out of life - I hate myself as I think of all the misery in the world - mine is self inflicted - and that makes me hate myself even more!!

I know I can do this!! with the right help, I just keep putting off starting!!

Sori for the war and peace story! - promise i can relay in fewer words in the future. just needed to offload for now.

Thankyou for listening. x

[nunewf]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Hey Chardonnay, sounds so very much like my story, and I know there's hope....you've made the most important first step by reaching out. You'll find great support here, keep checking in and sharing. Get through the first day with many of us. then you've got something to fight for....you'll surprise yourself. Great to see you here!

[shelbysmiles]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Welcome Chardonnay, You will find many people just like you here. Like Gia said, alcohol could not care less who you are.
Read the book, read the boards . You will learn so much about yourself here.

[Cinders]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Chardonnary,

I want to reiterate from Gia's post that you are not alone. This "whatever you want to call it" afflicts many. From all kinds of walks of life, from all kinds of families, from every ethnicity.

I posted today to someone that I wished I could "see" who was a moderator and who was truly an alcoholic. I do. I would be rich and able to retire.

However, please understand that you did not do this to yourself, you do not make it happen. You are caught in an addiction of some sort.

Please download RJ's book, read it CAREFULLY and then consider the supplements.

Only you can decide where you fit, "alcoholic" or "addicted" which are not the same.

I wish you the best.

I am like you. I have it all. Beautiful family, beautiful grandchildren, a sorta beautiful husband of 33 years. I make lots of money and can lose it in a second with this addiction. One second.

I am more at risk of losing the hubby and children and grandchildren. That scares me more.

Please read the book, try the supplements and exercise. Post here and we will support.

No judgements. We are all where you are.

Love,
Cindi

[Chardonnay123]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Sori guys, if this is duplicated!!

Sori, stil trying to get 2 grips with this site - so most of what I say now may have been duplicated or not, dependent on whether last message got through.

I said that I realise that this is not a selective 'disease' I was just hoping it wouldn't have selected me.

I am on vacation at the end of the week to one of most beautiful cities in the world with my most beautiful husband - but - without the thought of alcohol in a beautiful candlelit restaurant at the end of a days sightseeing it seems BORING!! What's going on - when did I lose sight of all that!!

'He' knows I have a problem - but I believe he thinks it is under control. I am a good deceiver (lol) aren't we all.

I will not drink during our days out - but will want more once that first one has hit my lips. He will retire early with coffee and leave me feeling frustrated and let down - I know -not by him, but by my addiction to want more, which I will take out on him until I fall to sleep - hopefully!! In the morning I will be the model wife, totally glam, dressed to impress and the woman of his dreams. Christ, how long can I keep this up, is this how it starts, whats the time limit before I am outed a fraud, 23 years in he still can't see it, or he is igoring it..

I need this right now, and am glad I hav found you guys, not sure when I can join u on the road to sobriety, but hope that the fact I have enrolled I am least thinking seriously about it!!

xx

[Cinders]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Chardonnary,

No, this is not a duplicate.

This is what WE ALL DEAL WITH on a day to day basis.

My husband did not know I was a drunk until this time last year. He laughed when people said "she had a problem." He did not see it. At all.

I did.

I wish a glass or two would be enough for you at the end of a wonderful day together. But, if you are like me, it won't. It will be torture. Pure, unadulterated torture.

Face it now, face it later, but please face it.

This "whatever you want to call it" will take you down.

Totally.

Love,
Cindi

[tlrgs]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

hi there welcome stay strong and think positive .. you can do this good luck

[lil.michelle]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Hi!
First... Having a drinking problem can happen to anyone. I too am a respectable person with a chain of childcare facilities which i've opened.

Reading your post... to me there is one thing that i would really REALLY think about and hopefully will help and motivate you though all the hell that you'll go through to quit..... is it worth risking your daughters life for a few drinks...?

You have come to the right place. We are all in the same boat and we're all here for you!

The one thing that got me motivated was.. It was the FIRST day since she was born and i hadn't drunk a thing and suddenly she had to be rushed to hospital.... What would i have done if i was drunk..?

Anyway, i'm just starting out so please join me in my 30 days AF. It'll be bloody hard but we can do this!!!!!!!!!! For our children!!!

:welcome:

[shirazgirl]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Hi Chard,
I feel your pain. I too, was embarrassed and seemd to have no outward reason to drink. It only took a few years for me to realize I needed to "cap" this thing before it got me. I never got terrible but I am sure I was on my way. I set rules for myself which made me think I had control of it.

I tried Topa, but it just wasn't fore me. I suggest you order the book, it's relatively inexpensive. Try the supplements, they seem to help tremendously. If you can reveal to your Doctor, go straight away and do so because she might be able to give you a little something to help you off.

Look at all you do have and know you can enjoy it without drinking. I didn't think I could have fun without a cocktail. It takes our brains a little while to reprogram itself. This is a much better way...trust me. The guilt will dissapear and you will look forward to mornings.

This is a good place to start....:welcome:

[Chardonnay123]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Thanx Cindi, I totally understand what u r saying and where u are coming from.

I understand it, my logic just doesn't right now.

Know, that I will not be able to moderate - so unfair - when some can - but have to come to terms with total abstinence.

I look at my daughter - 13 years old - so carefree and happy - no issues about tomorrow, no issues about yesterday and living for today ( what I beautiful place to b) never had booze (of course)- never needs booze (to feel okay again)

- to have that mindset again would be more than I could wish for. when do we lose it?

and if I go thorough this - will i get it back??

[Cinders]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Chardonnay,

You WILL get it back.

Unfortunately, it takes a long time to "get it back."

Been there done that.

You can, though, and you can be carefully and happy with your children through the entire journey.

You could be a drunk through the journey and they will be appreciate the carefree and happy times.

Which one do you choose?

It is up to you.

It is HARD. It is difficult.

But, It is up to you.

Love,
Cindi

I mean the salution. Love Cindi. I know how hard the choice is. Umm, my children or my drinking?? When your children mean more, you know you are on the right path.

[Chardonnay123]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

lil michelle, and shirazgirl,

thanks for the response, and like i have said I am overwhelmed by the swiftness of replies, - the non-judgmental - diplomatic advice - which I have received in just 2 hours!!

I am so not proud of my drinking - I remember being by my daughters bedside when she had a broken arm and having a mini bottle in my bag in case they wanted me to stay over - that was 9 years ago!! I am only 39!!

i am a functional alcoholic, I suffer no hangovers, I turn up for work for 8am every morning and work with v vunerable children - I truly love my job. my children are well educated and turned out, my house is clean and tidy, I cook from scratch, my dog is well exercised, i go that extra mile for everyone I care about.

So why have the alarm bells sounded - or have I been ignoring them for 2 long.

I never used to drink like I do now, and I remember my life being a happier more fulfilling place - what's changed - more importantly - how do I change it back?

[Bambi]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Wow to be able and or wanting to stop at one or two like normal drinkers! Wouldn't that be Wonderful! Oh to go back and do so many things all over again...but you know what? I don't think that was ever in me looking back....what a shame! How I wish it were different.....dreaming....

Dear Chardonnay,
Suggestions for your trip. In the book if you download it (Bookstores have to order it for some reason) it explains this.... You may try taking Kudzu and L-glut to help with cravings and they should "help" with the stopping of more wine after the first few glasses....There are others explained in the book, topamax (Prescription, helps with cravings and giving up AL).....There are other supplements and helpful hints in there too.

We are all the same in the fact that we drink too much...No reason for it for me other than I like it and the buzz and one just doesn't do it!

Have fun on your trip....
Hugs and Best Wishes,
Bambi

ps.....After a few days/weeks of AF you begin to enjoy life without it. Try fun tea's and coffee's from where you are at! Remember the calories you save from not drinking you can enjoy in the fine food!

[vera-b]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Welcome Chard,

Cindi hit all the right nails on their proverbial heads. The first is to admit you have a problem, and then put all the brains and energy that God gave you to tackle the problem. Read RJ's book, read the posts here, and take a long, honest look in the mirror. Face the demon. I wouldn't spend too much time at the moment worrying about how you're going to cope without your "best friend" alcohol. Dwelling too far into the future is often the demon AL's handiwork" ("you'll miss me sweetie . . .") and may sabotage your efforts. Focus on today, this very moment. And know that you have the support of so many of us that have felt just like you.

V.

[Chardonnay123]

I'm here! - how did I end up like this??

Cheers Bambi, am strugging rite now - and have loads of things to do household wise right now - can't/don't have the motivation- feel that i am letting every down - the irony being that they don't think anything is wrong!!!??