Suicide and the stay at home mom.

[noma'am]

There is one word that sums up the last 4 weeks of my life: BENDER. There were some sober days in there but in general, that word has been my noun and verb. And do you know what? I like it. I am sick of being told no and of telling myself no. Do you know why? Because shit stinks whether I'm sober or drunk. And pain hurts, fear scares, insults scar. Life is a business. Profit and loss. I am a slip though the cracks kinda girl. And I don't mind that so much but I'm afraid I might drag others through those cracks with me. Two little future men. Two little boys who (god help them) seem to need me and want me. To them I am great. No matter what. It's black and white. In their eyes, I am white, not black. In my eyes, I am oozing, spreading black. Are children crazy or are they able to see beauty in the grotesque. Two days ago I tried to make a list detailing why I shouldn't kill myself. The only reason I could come up with was that my little boys would be immersed in fear, pain and insults. To soon it seems when they have an entire lifetime to soak in that bath. So that is why I'm here. I resent it but I accept it. I suppose that is why we have kids - so that we have an excuse NOT to .... whatever, something... who has the guts to say it. Not me. That's cruel. Putting my life or death on the shoulders of innocent little kids. So, what to do? Hold on and postpone the inevitable? What's the most humane? Are they better equiped to handle it now or later?

[A Work in Progress]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

NM, you are in a lot of pain, and I am concerned you may also be putting your kids at risk. Is there anyone else at home with you, with your children? Is there anyone you can talk to TODAY who can help you get some serious help, right away? Please let us know.


wip

[shelbysmiles]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

It is hard. And yes, they do see only the good when they are young. They are resiliant and forgiving. But, it will not last. You have got to get yourself together. No one said that it would be easy. But I do believe that it will be worth it.
They will love you until you can love yourself.

[Chelle12]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

NM... Simple answer... your kids need you.
No question about it.

How would they feel if you weren't there for them?
You're "Mum"...you're their Whole Life.

Believe me... I've been there... Ive been a single mum for 13 years and it IS worth it.
You may feel like shit at times, but your children need you..

SO many times Ive spent the night ' inside a bottle', but so glad I managed to wake up the next day alive and to try again.

Be there for them.. and relish that goodnight kiss and hug that is so needed.... both for them AND for you

C

[akgirl]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

As a fellow Mom I am sending you love and support. :l

[Bambi]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

Dear Noma'am,

Stay Strong! Reading through some of your old posts you are a strong Lady! You can pull yourself back up, we all can! It is hard, but we have to do it for our kids.....THEY NEED US! YOUR KIDS need and WANT YOU!

I am a stay at home Mom also. It is the hardest job in the world with little to no credit. But we are doing a wonderful thing just like all the other Mom's out there working or not.

Please get the help that you need! .......and Let us help you if we can....

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sending you lots of Hugs,
Love, Bambi

[vera-b]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

Noma'am,

I echo WIP - your post is so full of pain that I can feel it. I encourage you to seek a real person to talk to immediately, preferably a professional. Your life is precious whether you feel that way at the moment or not. I'm not surprised that your sons look at you the way God does - as his beloved creation. The eyes of a child are God-like in that way - we should take our cue from them!

I hope that with encouragement from your MWO family and the expertise of a professional you will come to realize that every single life matters. That lives have purpose. That love is at the center of our being and is meant to be shared and cultivated with others. That when we radiate love we set off all kinds of positive energy in the universe and it comes back to us tenfold. That little boys need a Mother who loves them and herself. That this is all possible even when we're at our lowest. That alcohol, drugs, and other crutches are a delusion. And yes, shit stinks, which is why we flush it.

V.

[river0123]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

Noma'am,
My heart hurts just reading your post. I understand the utter despair you are feeling, your post could have been me 14 years ago. Please realize this is a temporary situation and each day is a new chance to start over. I know those are "just words", but I think we are all trying to reach out and can't really do much other than give you online support. There are professionals who can truly help, and I'm so grateful to the friend who convinced me to finally go for help. She saved my life. As much as you dearly love your boys, the stress of motherhood is tremendous and a real trigger for many of us.

My brother committed suicide ten years ago. As an adult I still can not deal with it. I feel so terribly sad for the despair he felt, and the despair you are now feeling. Please allow yourself to be helped.

And remember what another on said on here before: GOD DOES NOT MAKE JUNK
Love to you! :h

[IAD]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

Noma....even animals seek his help ! Think about it.....if you take your life how can you take care of your problems here on earth ! You can only solve problems in the here and now ! We are here to help. Check us out ! IAD.

[CS04]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

Nomaam, you are a strong and funny person -- I loved your posts earlier about WalMart! Many of us are starting -- again -- today with Day 1. Your community most likely has a suicide hotline # -- please call it and talk to someone.

Your kids love you. It will get better.

[Accountable for Me]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

:l to you sweetie.

Suicide is not the way out. Your children love their mom and need you.

Being on a bender for 4 weeks will make you feel like this.

Maybe speak to some one or a counsellor. Life is really worth living. It can be fulfilling and full of happiness.

[HealerHealing]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

Hello, I dont know you, but I feel your pain. I know your desire to just walk away, sometimes life can seem so overwhelming that it seems the only answer. I want you to remember a time when you felt happy, in control, loved, and worthy. That feeling is not as far away right now as you believe it to be. There is another answer and it is asking for the help that you need, and working your way into a better place. I hear what others are saying about doing it for your kids, but for the rest of us and for you to. You are not able to see the impact you may have on this Earth. It is not okay for you to just give up. You have a place and a purpose here. You can do this, I know you can. Stop telling yourself NO and tell yourself YES...Yes I am worthy of this life, YES I can be more, Yes I do matter, Yes there is goodness inside of me, YES people do and should love me, YES I am strong enough, YES I can make a change, YES I can forgive myself.

[Dolly Sunshine]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

Hi,

I have felt the same way you feel right now. More times than I care to admit. You get so tired of letting people down. The anxiety in the middle of the night is the WORST. I have often contemplated how much better everyone in my life would be if I was gone and they didn't have to worry about me.

However I have had a family member kill himself and the carnage left behind is starteling EVERYONE will blame themselves and everyone will always wonder what they could have done.

Once I got off al things weren't so sad or so hard to overcome. You are using a very strong depressant and if you are already sad...it's a tragedy.Just try some time AF and see how you feel in a few weeks. I have had benders that probably would have killed some people. It's rough but you CAN and WILL get through it.

[shelbysmiles]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

How are you doing today?

We are all here for you.

[Cinders]

Suicide and the stay at home mom.

No-Maam,

I have so been there. Couldn't really see a good reason to keep living other than my obligations.

This is not a good place to be.

I hope you take everyone's advice and see someone or at least talk to a friend.

Just like AFM says, drinking will make you feel that way all by itself. It really does.

Get a few sober days under your belt if you can and then take a look see and see if you are feeling better.

Yes, please let us know how you are doing.

Love,
Cindi