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    Hey Nice People, I need advice

    Hi and Good Monday Morning!

    I could easily explain my dilemma in one quick sentence but I feel I should preface first.

    We've been married for 20 years. During this time most nights were spent drinking. The first 17 years our drink of choice was beer. Like most of what I have read on the boards we timed our outside events around drinking. About 3 years ago I decided to loose 50 lbs so I switched to whiskey and no carb no cal lime fizzy mix. Sure enough the weight came off within 6 months but I was drunk the entire time. Not really all the time. But I sure was every night. Recently I began drinking myself into black outs. Scary stuff indeed.

    Jump forward to last week (8-11-08) I, all by myself with the help of God, decided that I no longer felt like drinking. Our fights all happened during either my blackout, his blackout or both of us blacked out. I had virtually hit rock bottom. During the 20 year drinking phase I was as functional as could be during the day. Nobody would have guessed, unless they knew me personally, that I even drank.

    THANK GOD my wanting to stop was all I needed. Haven't touched a drop in 9 days. Now understand that I am already on meds that I recently learned on this very community that I would need to help me wean myself off booze. I take Atenolol for hypertension. I take Klonopin for anxiety. I take an anti depressant for nerve pain. I elected to start l-glut and muli vitamins about 6 months ago just because I wanted to. Never knew I was all set to stop because I already take the right meds.

    I feel EXUBERANT. seriously, I feel normal now. After only 9 days AF!! I had only one effect..lol..it was my first night of not drinking. This actually is very funny to me now but it did scare me so bad at the time that I almost fell out of bed. I had just drifted off and all of a sudden a very loud radio announcer appeared talking into my right ear. This episode lasted only 2 seconds but it scared the bageebies outta me!

    Now on to my problem. My husband is scared to death. This is not a whine session here. I just would love to know how others have handled this problem. Right now he is a pendulum. One minute he's nicer than heck to me then the next he's very discouraging and in NO way supportive. Not that I expect him to support my decision. This is my decision and mine alone. He even poured me a stiff drink last night and sweetly asked if I would just have one with him. I smiled and thanked him but told him I had absolutely no desire to drink. I have tried to be very aware of his feelings because I am not trying to scare him. I even explained to him that unless he became violent towards me that he can drink if he wants. It has to be his choice to quit. I assured him that my feelings for him have not changed. My reasons for stopping the drinking is because I want to.

    Is there a way to handle this situation that I am not thinking of?

    If I have left out any info that could make this post seem confusing please let me know.

    Sorry for the LONG post. You people were the rock I held in my hand and said YES..I CAN do this! When I read and read through your posts I was SO encouraged. THANK ALL of YOU!

    (I hope this form has spell check..if it doesn't please excuse my mistakes..lol)

    Hap-Hap-Happy Feet!:new:
    And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~Anais Nin

    #2
    Hey Nice People, I need advice

    Hi Happy, welcome! You are doing GREAT! This is a very challenging situation... there are a lot of folks here who are working within the MWO program, with spouses at home who are drinking... some spouses supportive, some not... There is an entire thread devoted to people supporting each other around this issue.... anyone here? where is it? Also, I'd suggest you jump into one of the newcomers' threads, or one of the 30-day abstinence threads, do some more reading and posting, and get to know people here. It will help tremendously.

    best wishes,

    wip

    Comment


      #3
      Hey Nice People, I need advice

      Welcome and CONGRATULATIONS! You are very strong indeed and you CAN do this. I believe your hubby is feeling threatened by your new found sobriety, maybe? Years and years ago, I quit drinking (I am trying once again ODAT!!!) and my ex-husband could not handle it. He did not like the confidence I had, nor the clarity. Unfortunatley, after we divorced, he kept on that road and started to do drugs as well which led to his death this past April. I digress...after I stopped, his drinking escalated. He was sooooo angry and would say things like "you think you're so much better than me," yada yada yada. He wanted me to be a drunk mess so he would not look so bad. I hope your husband is stronger than my ex. Hopefully he will see your new found clarity, health and happiness and find that it is something he WANTS too! I don't have any advice, this was just my experience. You seem very very strong and have your act together. I see great things happening for you in your new found sobriety...AND hopefully your husband as well. My best wishes to you in this situation!

      K
      "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" Buddah:heart:

      Comment


        #4
        Hey Nice People, I need advice

        Hi Happy. Welcome to you!
        I was worried how hub would react when I first gave up the booze too. My situation is similar to yours 20 + years of hub and me drinking. Over the weeks he has come to see me become happier and happier (mostly) and I think that puts him at ease. He is also drinking less (except for a big blip last weekend :H)
        I think that any big change takes some time for everyone to come to terms with. It is a big learning curve for both of you. My advice would be to just give it time.
        Take care and good luck - you are doing great !
        Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
        Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

        Comment


          #5
          Hey Nice People, I need advice

          :hello2::colorwelcome::wave::groupluv: stay strong and think positive
          :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
          best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

          Comment


            #6
            Hey Nice People, I need advice

            A Work in Progress;386258 wrote: Hi Happy, welcome! You are doing GREAT! This is a very challenging situation... there are a lot of folks here who are working within the MWO program, with spouses at home who are drinking... some spouses supportive, some not... There is an entire thread devoted to people supporting each other around this issue.... anyone here? where is it? Also, I'd suggest you jump into one of the newcomers' threads, or one of the 30-day abstinence threads, do some more reading and posting, and get to know people here. It will help tremendously.

            best wishes,

            wip
            Thanks Good People. Shoot, I tried to look for a thread that could lead me to some answers but I guess I put my shovel down too early.

            Hopefully your shout out will have someone post the thread you speak of.

            To everyone..thank you for your responses. I had not thought about the fact that he may not like drinking alone because of the unfamiliarity of it. I have noticed that he goes into the kitchen to be alone to have his drink. You hit the nail right on the head!

            This is a great community. I have been a avid news reader since way back in webtv land. I really haven't found any groups that I have enjoyed until I came across this community.
            And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~Anais Nin

            Comment


              #7
              Hey Nice People, I need advice

              Welcome Happy Feet! Congratulations on nine days!
              Your hubby is missing his drinking buddy it sounds. I think that is normal. It sounds like you are handling it very well.
              There is a thread on spouses who drink. I'll try to find it and bump it up for you.
              Good luck, you are doing great!

              Comment


                #8
                Hey Nice People, I need advice

                Like has been said- he could come around. It was a couple of days before my husband even addressed it and he said-- Just don't ask me to stop drinking. And I said- Okay. It's been about a month and he has been drinking less and offering more positive comments.
                It's baby steps for us all! Remember that movie What About Bob? That is a funny one!
                There is truth to baby steps!
                Welcome, Happy Feet!
                **aclassicgirl

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hey Nice People, I need advice

                  hi Happy Feet

                  I would say he is feeling threatened.
                  And, welcome to this site! It is good company, and I have been helped thru some rough days.

                  Lila

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hey Nice People, I need advice

                    Hi Happy and welcome:welcome:

                    You sound as if your mind set is exactly where it should be.
                    You sound strong and it I think you are handling the situation with your husband very well.

                    He is probably scared. You have decided to move on without booze in your life and he still allows it to be in his. I believe, even when we are drinking, deep down inside we know it is not good for us and that we want to 'escape' the downward spiral.
                    He can see you are blossoming and growing in confidence and yet in his mind he is not ready (for whatever reason) to stop.
                    The dynamics of your relationship are bound to change.

                    Perhaps one of the things you could do, is sit him down and really put into words how your sobriety feels and how much it means to you. Then also let him know in no uncertain terms, that you no longer want him to offer you ANY alcohol.

                    That is one of the greatest dangers that I can see from your situation. Your hubby sounds like he would be more than happy to have his drinking buddy back. You have to ensure he doesn't try to entice you. You may feel fabulous at the moment (and so you should), but there could be a day next week, or in a few months time when you are tired, stressed, low etc. If your hubby were to offer you a drink then, you may not be able to be so strong.

                    Hopefully, as your hubby watches you bloom, he will want some of that 'life' for himself.

                    I wish you the very best and look forward to seeing you around on the boards.
                    x
                    Amelia

                    Sober since 30/06/10

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Hey Nice People, I need advice

                      happy, I bumped up Spouces who drink. Should be directly below this post.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Hey Nice People, I need advice

                        Welcome HAPPY....You will only get happier and happier the longer that you are AF.Maybe as hubby sees you feeling better,looking better,being better at being you...He may catch it,like a phyic virus of BETTER...In any case,nothing is sooo bad that a DRINK won't make it worse!!!!!
                        sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Hey Nice People, I need advice

                          shelbysmiles;386294 wrote: happy, I bumped up Spouces who drink. Should be directly below this post.
                          The thread is right there just as you say and I have just finished reading all the posts. I can tell that I am not alone in my situation.

                          Once again, thank you all for your encouragement and answers!:thanks:
                          And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~Anais Nin

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Hey Nice People, I need advice

                            Hey hun!
                            First i'd like to say WELL DONE! You're FANTASTIC for giving up drinking and even more fantastic at being able to turn down a drink when it's offered right infront of you!
                            I agree with Lila, i think he feels threatened. Maybe he feels like you're moving on, growing, becoming you're own person who doesn't need drink (if you know what i mean) and you'll leave him behind.
                            Welcome and be strong! I'm sure it'll get better when he gets use to the situation.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Hey Nice People, I need advice

                              You are all so right. He is feeling alone and threatened. I didn't plan this change. Maybe somewhere deep inside I did but was not aware of it. When I did make up my mind last week to stop drinking I knew it was a do or die challenge. Now or never kind of thing for me.

                              Our family suffered a terrible horrific tradgedy May 1st of this year. I think it's made all of us take a second look at our lives. I've seen family members turn to God and sincerely mean it. I've re-developed relationships from very missed family members.

                              My niece and her wonderful new hubby got married last August in Lost Wages. I didn't attend their ceremony but they did plan and held a bee-U-tiful reception on May 1st of this year. I was in flight to Minnesota to attend the reception arriving a day early so I could help with the final details. Upon landing I immediately was met by an employee of the airlines and they took me to a private office where they said I had an urgent call from my daughter back in our state. During my flight our beloved Wally, that lives where I was headed, was on his way home on his Harley and was hit by a train. Thank goodness he left us instantly. It really hit our family hard. He and my daughter were born 4 days apart so he spent many days at our house. They were inseperable.

                              Needless to say that kind of a trauma does put your perspectives in the forefront. He left his soulmate and 2 sweet young boys. I'm not sure whether this event had any part of my decision to quit drinking but it may have. An unexpected funeral and a wedding reception in one weekend. It wasn't easy for any of us. Don't think I am looking for, I don't want to say pity because it really isn't the right word. I'm done crying ever other minute finally and I am now on remembering a crying little sleepy boy in pampers and red cowboy boots..lol

                              I guess this event did enter in some how enter into play on my decision.

                              Happy
                              And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~Anais Nin

                              Comment

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