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    #1

    Giant F-Up

    I had a major social function for work this week on Monday night (just with coworkers).

    On Monday I figured it would be my party night for the week but I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY overdid it. Perhaps I thought I was rewarding myself for not drinking for a few days before? Whatever it was, it was far beyond what I normally do and I am embarrassed and completely disgusted.

    I would give more details, but I don't want to see it all in black and white...

    I really cannot stop beating myself up, I am even sitting here crying and it was two days ago. Not really looking for sympathy, just wondering...how do you all get past the self-loathing? Do you ever get past it?

    Sassy
    Tags: None
    #2
    Giant F-Up

    You gotta move on Sassy. We all have slip ups. Don't beat your self up, it is not going to help and only drive you to AL. Switch your focus on visualizing yourself sober, healthy and happy. I mean reallly see yourself as this happy sobert person. Remember, AL is NOT a reward. Just the opposite - it is a punishment. You are seeing that first hand, as we all have. You can do this. Put the past behind you (To qupte Pumba in the Lion King - we just watched it with the baby last night!) and look towards your wonderful bright future. You can totally do this and we are here to help you. Stay strong friend!
    "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" Buddah:heart:

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      #3
      Giant F-Up

      Sassy,
      You will get past the self-loathing if you can make a concentrated effort to forgive yourself. You need to do that in order to get on with your life. Consider Monday night a just a "slip" and try to let it go. We all have to go thru mistakes to learn from them...then we can go on to make our life better.
      You sound like you really want to get sober, so it WILL happen...you will make it happen. kriger
      "People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning." Lao-Tzu

      Comment

        #4
        Giant F-Up

        Sassy, as KBCE rightly says....we all have slip ups.
        Some of mine have been mortifying, but you have to move on.
        I must say that when I am abstinent I view my 'F-ups' more leniently....probably because when I am abstinent I feel more in control, calmer etc etc.
        I don't know what your goals are with your drinking, modding or abstaining....but I reckon that when you start to meet those goals (I don't know if you are or not), life will begin to lighten up and you won't be so hard on yourself.
        Best wishes.
        x
        Amelia

        Sober since 30/06/10

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          #5
          Giant F-Up

          yes we all have been there and done that .. move on and learn from it ..stay strong and think positive
          :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
          best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

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            #6
            Giant F-Up

            Don't be too tough on yourself. This is a hard uphill climb, you know we're are gonna slip. Just don't stop climbing girl!!!:l
            :flower: I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be.

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              #7
              Giant F-Up

              I think you just need to regard this as par for the course with a drinking problem. It's an unusual problem in that socializing often involves alcohol, so it can be very difficult to quit, along with all the personal reasons that make it tough. But then alcohol turns you into an extremely anti-social person with no manners and no inhibitions. I think you need to remember that the person you are while drunk is not the real you, with manners and consciousness and checks on behavior. The real you underneath is still a decent person.

              This humiliaion is a big part of the problem and probably the main reason why people want to quit. You could use this as a negative motivating factor to quit, but don't let it infect your self-esteem. You badly need your self-esteem to get over this problem.

              In terms of what other people think of you. Some will be more understanding than others. How would you view a terribly drunk person? If it were me, honestly, I would have compassion. Take that compassion and turn it toward yourself. People who mock drunks are not worth much in my opinion.

              There is a strong element of choice in all this. Once you realize that, these incidents will be a thing of the past.

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                #8
                Giant F-Up

                I don't know what my goals are anymore. I thought moderating, but I am not even sure that's going to be possible. I am so new to all of this...last week was the first time I even admitted that I have a problem (and that was to all of you.) I read the book and ordered everything but nothing has come yet.

                I didn't really embarass myself in front of coworkers...I guess I will write it out. Shit, maybe seeing it in black in white will scare me straight.

                I drank so much that I blacked out - and this has only happened to me 2-3 times in my life (I'm 34.) Now, I have passed out (fallen asleep) but black outs are very uncommon for me - where I continue to walk/talk but retain no memory of it. NONE.

                My social function was at a hotel, and my boyfriend was supposed to come down and spend the evening with me once I had finished around 10 pm. Well...he didn't have a key to the room or anything, and I woke up fully clothed on my bed at 4:30 in the morning. No boyfriend.

                I couldn't remember how I got to my room, or what I had done prior to getting there. I figured I must have just stumbled back to the room and immediately fallen asleep, forgetting about my plans with my boyfriend. I was horrified when I listened to my voicemails on my cell phone and room phone and heard my sweet wonderful boyfriend calling, wondering what he should do, and where was I? Was I okay?

                I sent him two text messages immediately (it was too early to call) telling him I had fallen asleep and that I was so sorry I had missed him and left him hanging. By the time we spoke, I was again apologizing profusely...feeling so terrible for not calling him or telling him what was going on. He said, "Why are you apologizing? Don't you remember we had a 20 minute conversation about this last night?"

                He dropped the subject quickly and reallly didn't seem that upset about it. But I hate myself for choosing to get wasted drunk instead of be with a man that loves me. What kind of person does that?

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                  #9
                  Giant F-Up

                  And by the way...thank you all for holding me up right now.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Giant F-Up

                    Hey hun!
                    It'll past. Give it a week or so and you'll feel better. I've had MANY nights like that, it's a horrible feeling. I'm soooo sorry you're feeling they way you do. I know it sounds horrible but what's done is done so you just need to move on from it. Easier said then done i know but trust me, it WILL get better. Try doing something fun to take your mind off it. Sorry i can't help anymore!
                    I hope you feel better soon!

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Giant F-Up

                      Hey Sassy,
                      The self-loathing does go away, but only if you don't allow it an oppertunity to get back in.
                      I spent many years hating myself and not caring if I woke up next day or not. I really did not like what I had become. I wasn't a bad man, or have evil thoughts or anything like that. I simply could not control myself around alcohol.
                      I would wake in the morning and go to work still drunk from the night before, conducting my day with the usual efficiency; having a laugh with my colleagues (the construction industry allows for this), go home, have my dinner and then start on the vodka. The next day was often the same, and social events were just excuses to get totally legless. I have woke up in fields, strange houses and different towns with no recollection of how I got there. Your boyfriend seems to be OK with what happened, but maybe not if it keeps happening again and again.
                      A lot of us here have great self-esteem issues. I know I do. I've never been confident and consider myself unworthy of most of the good things in life, but since getting a better grip of myself, I find that I'm not the waster that I always believed I was. I still have problems with feelings of inadequacy.
                      It's all a matter of balance. Most people who drink overdo it occasionally. I overdid it usually. Now I'm getting to the place where I only overdo it now and then....not great, but not too bad either. It will take most of us a while to find our balance. Don't feel too bad. Take what you can from the experience and use it the next time you need it. It will take time to get where you want to be, but you can get there; never forget that.
                      Take care.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Giant F-Up

                        Thanks Popeye & Michy..

                        You know what is killing me the most? Well, it's two things really.

                        One, I finally ADMIT to myself that I have a problem, and then turn around and have one of the worst drunks I've ever had in my life. Doesn't fill me with a lot of hope about what I can do moving forward, kwim? I know I will get past this, just feeling hopeless for the moment. I WILL keep trying, and I know with time I will be okay.

                        Two, I really just realized that I am head-over-heels in love with bf more then I thought. And that's not something I want to screw up and lose, and I know I will if I keep this up. You're exactly right, Pop. He's not going to stick around if it keeps happening. I have texted him twice today and he hasn't responded, so now I am more insecure then usual that maybe he already has decided he's had enough. Mind playing tricks on me (I hope.)

                        Just feeling hopeless and scared...and need to snap out of it. I really want to go shopping or go get a massage, but I feel like I deserve to just sit here and be miserable.

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                          #13
                          Giant F-Up

                          Go shopping AND get a massage.
                          There are too many chances to sit and be miserable....screw that

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Giant F-Up

                            Hi Sassy. My 2pence worth.
                            I have done similar things more times than I can remember and hated myself over and over again. Like Popeye said, self esteem or lack of it doesn't help. Alcohol made my self esteem even lower and made me more insecure than usual. Once I was able to get a grip and admit my problem and start dealing with it, things have started to get better. It is hard but I find that remembering my bad times (remembering and NOT beating myself up about it) helps me stick to an AF life - 6 weeks so far. It's not easy always but it is always rewarding.
                            You are NOT hopeless but you must be frightened. The more you are able to control this the less frightened you will feel.
                            I wish you well my friend.
                            Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
                            Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Giant F-Up

                              I think self loathing is just a part of our make up. I do it all the time, but I know that it accomplishes nothing. I drank yesterday and made a post that was nothing but self loathing, but today is a new day.

                              Quit beating yourself up. You are AF today right? Be proud of that! Starting over is just that and some of us do it often. We are all here for you!

                              Heres hoping you feel better!
                              FROGZ~

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