Giant F-Up

[nanlovesdogs]

Giant F-Up

Hey Sass,

I am in a very similar situation as you. After another "lost" Saturday night (20 beers, in public) my husband of 15 years told me I had to do something about my daily drinking. While not an ultimatum, the message was clear. I told him I'd "work on it" and not another word was said. Monday I found this website.
Sunday night I had 7 beers, almost half of my daily 16-20. Same thing Monday and Tuesday. I will probably stay at this point for a few more days, then keep trying to reduce.

If you really love him, you will do this for yourself. You obviously don't love yourself at this time, but that will come with learning what your issues are and dealing with them.

The slogan "One Day at A Time" means just that. It does not have to mean total sobriety yet. It means that you are not trying to conquer everything at once. That is a recipe for disaster! Seriously trying is (to me) almost as good as doing on this third day of my effort.

If you are not able to acknowledge you problem out loud (I am not), just keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself. You can fool people and make false comittments, but you cannot fool yourself. Don't even try. That's when the bad feelings come in.

We may not get there today, we may not get there tomorrow.
We will not get there in a straight line, but....WE WILL GET THERE!

Best of luck.

[SassyGirl]

Giant F-Up

Good Grief, I am an emotional mess. Nan, your post made me cry (again...I've been like this all day). So many things I don't want to acknowledge. You are right. I really do love him, but do I love myself...not so much. And I don't know why. (That's something I probably need to get to the bottom of.)
And no...I am not able to acknowledge my problem out loud, to anyone except all of you.

Frogz, I missed your self-loathing period yesterday. It's bittersweet to know that I am not alone with that feeling.

Starting, I am frightened. I am desperate for some control...I have a lot to prove, mainly to myself.

[nanlovesdogs]

Giant F-Up

Don't cry Sass,

Be comforted that there is a place to vent to folks just like us. This is the time to set goals. Myself, I am going to "titrate" down every few days. This way, no one will notice that I am conciously trying to cut down/out. I do not think think this is generally recommended, but It's what I need to do for me right now. I am waiting for book and supps and may change my mind at that point.

Pick one positive thing to think about. Nothing dramatic or serious. Nice weather, new shoes, chocolate cream pie...anything. Dry your eyes and set a goal.

Best of luck. You will do it!

[4theboyz]

Giant F-Up

Sassy,

My advice is to take a deep breath. You have a lot of strong emotions going on all at once and probably your head is spinning from it all. Accept the fact that you have done some 'dumb ass' things that can never be taken back and move on - Sober!

Getting stupid drunk may seem fun to you at the time, but is *never* pretty for others to watch but they for one will remember it all even if you don't. Sooo, you have amends to make or at the very least you should now put all your effort into making sure that you for one never do it again or put yourself and (or your BF) in that situation ever again. Start by setting limits for yourself on what you do, when you do it and with whom. Build some self confidence in yourself and allow others to see some conscious changes in your behavior for them to be able to trust the new you in their presence.

Most crazy behaviors and actions can ultimately be forgiven, but it all starts with forgiving yourself and doing what's right for you first and then second for your significant others. Just admitting your mistakes opens up a huge door of opportunity to heal and recover from this.

Good Luck!

4tb

[SassyGirl]

Giant F-Up

Thank you, 4. I do need to take a deep breath. I think I am just SO disappointed in myself. I finally admit I have a problem and take steps to do something about it, and then my problem gets worse. It doesn't make sense to me - I should be improving.

Also, I read a few threads here and there on MWO where I thought "well, at least my problem isn't THAT bad". Feeling like I was "better" then some others made me feel okay with admitting I had a problem. (It was a much smaller problem then a lot of peoples, so surely I could easily solve it). Now? I think we are ALL struggling just the same. I realize I am no better off then the next person. I am going to struggle, just like everyone else. This is going to be no easier for me. I will get no special treatment.

I have beat anorexia. I have kicked smoking. After that I got addicted to Nicorette gum and I beat that too. (LOL - YES, that really happened!)

I am starting to feel hopeful again (thanks to all of you) that I can beat this too.

P.S. My boyfriend finally responded to my texts today...he wrote "I miss you cutie" Perhaps this has added to my sense of hope, that I can recover from this terrible event and triumph over this. If he still loves me in spite of my stupidity and will support me, then I can do anything. I owe it to him to really try.

[Evie.Lou]

Giant F-Up

AL is a REAL BASTARD...He choose for you...We are Strong enough to beat the Beast if we stick TOGETHER...I KNOW WE ARE...

[vera-b]

Giant F-Up

Oh Sassy,

We all have had times like this and the self loathing that goes with it. What we put our loved ones through is enough to shame us all into the next millenium. But still we soldier on. I totally relate to your sensing that your drinking problems weren't as bad as others. Most of us have felt that way at least once. There's always someone who's problems are worse than ours. That little sense of superiority is our ego talking and when it does, we should shut it up! There's nothing like a good f**k up to make us humble!

So now that the event is past, take some stock. What were the triggers to excess drinking? What frame of mind did you enter the event with? How can you change that for the next time? If (I should say when) you get a handle on this and get al to stop calling you by name, it will have a positive effect on your self esteem. And that, dear Sassy, is a very attractive quality which any observant bf will certainly notice. Use this time in your wonderful, young life to affirm the wonderfulness that is you. It will make for a happier Sassy and a stronger long term relationship with your man. Success is what helps build our self esteem. Start looking at all the successes you've accomplished, and add AL to the list. You're well on your way. I know you'll make it. You sound so very intelligent.

Vera-b.

[gabby]

Giant F-Up

you and nan can lean on each other and make progress. keep reading and posting. you can do it!

[SassyGirl]

Giant F-Up

Thanks Vera...no doubt, I have been humbled.

No worries about AL calling to me the last few days...just have been too tired to think about drinking. Tomorrow, though - I am sure I am going to feel great after all the sleep I've been getting. I've already planned that as soon as I get done with work I am heading straight to the park for a long walk/run...need to change my pattern on the weekends.

Thanks to everyone for ALL the wonderful support. I love this place

[nanlovesdogs]

Giant F-Up

Glad to see you back Sassy. How are you doing? Thinks ok with the bf?

[SassyGirl]

Giant F-Up

Just really tired! Still haven't received any supps yet although according to my account, it says they've shipped. Hoping they arrive tomorrow...The good news is I haven't drank since my horrible blackout episode either. I think the fatigue might be in part due to being hungover. (Given that we are going on three days...this is one epic hangover.)

Things with bf are okay I think. One of the issues that lead to my "over-drinking" is that I am alone so much - he travels a ton for work, and i found that on nights he was away I would drink a btl of wine out of more boredom then anything else. Then it got to a point where I couldn't seem to get by without it.
Anyway, he left to go out of town Tuesday morning and I wont see him until late tomorrow night. I miss him.

How are you doing Nan? Is tonight the night you try to cut back again?

[nanlovesdogs]

Giant F-Up

Yes Sassy,

I'm going to shoot for 5 max, which may not be a problem since I am feeling crummy these days.

Glad things are better. They will keep improving. As with you, I am waiting for the supps. I know they will be a crutch, but I think I will need them to go further in attempting AF days. I have zero will power and recognize my limits.....

[SassyGirl]

Giant F-Up

You might do better then you think, Nan. I went a month AF pretty easily when I was trying to lose weight for a somewhat last minute Hawaii trip back in February. I think when you view AF as FOREVER it puts a huge amount of stress and fear in the mix, when it might be better to just look at it one day at a time ("I don't know about tomorrow, but I know I am not drinking today.")

I need to get a significant amount of AF time under my belt...one, to reduce my psychological dependence on it, and two to reduce my tolerance to it. I also need to get some clarity, and I think an AF mind will help me with that.

I wish you the best Nan...I'll be seein' ya around!