I need some desperate advice please...

[louisec]

I have joined this forum not for myself, but for my husband. He is in complete denial about his drinking...but to me, our children and his family, it is more than obvious....I want some advice on how to get him talking about it, as every time I try to touch on it, he clams up and insists there is 'no problem'....It is starting to affect everything in our daily lives...the children hardly ever see him, he always smells of booze and now he has started lying about how much time he is actually spending down the pub...I am at my wits end and simply havent got a clue where to go from here. I dont want to have to leave him, but for the sake of the children, I am starting to think it might be for the best...please help, before that is my only option....

Many thanks in advance.

[Evie.Lou]

I need some desperate advice please...

Welcome Louisec,Will he read this forum and what you just wrote?If he does,he will see that there are so many others that are suffering and read that there is hope for happiness then maybe he will want to end the pain that he is in.I KNOW YOU HURT...SO DOES HE.YOU ADMIT IT,HE DOESN'T.We will help him,if he let's us.

[SassyGirl]

I need some desperate advice please...

Louis, It's hard when he wont admit there's a problem and has no desire to change. Try to get him to come here and read...

[Glen]

I need some desperate advice please...

Wow Louisec. That’s a tuff one as there are no easy answers and so much at stake.

Alcohol is addictive and deceptive. Your husband could well be choosing to believe he doesn’t have a problem in order to avoid dealing with it. Maybe you could challenge him to go 30 days with out a drink to show that he is in control and not the drink. (Warning. This could back fire. But unlikely if he really dose have a problem.)

I agree with evielou and SassyGirl. Getting him reading posts here could plant a seed. One problem drinker will often relate to another problem drinker.

[AAthlete]

I need some desperate advice please...

Lousiec, I am sorry for the situation that you are in. The honest truth is that until HE is willing to admit he has a problem and needs help there is really nothing that you can do for him.

You're story sounds similar to what my wife went through. I was so sure that I could do this on my own; that I could handle it all. I would do everything that I could to assure her that I would quit, but once the pressure was off I would start right back up again.

It was obvious to her, and it affected everything about my family life. I was so sure that because I was drinking by myself I wasn't hurting anyone but myself, but the sad fact was that I was not there for my wife, and I was not there for my son. I was so focused on getting that buzz that nothing else really mattered - it utterly dominated my thinking. I think that by not addressing it, I was able to use that as an excuse to not admit I had a problem. That caused me to isolate even more - and I withdrew from anybody and everybody. Then nobody could accuse me....

For me, it took the promise of losing my family to make me finally take a hard look at reality. I had to find my bottom, the point at which the consequences of my drinking outweighed the satisfaction that I got from it.

Everybody's bottom is different, and what affected my might not affect someone else the same way. You need to focus on you and your children. Have you ever checked out Al-Anon? It is a group of men and women who are dealing with the same things that you are, and they can offer support and advice on how you can get through this.

I wish that I could offer you advice that could truly help you right here and now. Do know that changes can come if he is willing to work for them, but it has to be his choice.

May God bless you and take care of you and yours.

[louisec]

I need some desperate advice please...

thanks...

:thanks:thank you everyone for your comments. I know that in the end it has to be his decision to get help, and that really, no ammount of nagging and hint dropping on my behalf will solve anything..but I cant just sit back and watch him do it, especially when the children keep asking me and HIM why he drinks???
It's a tough one I know, but most of all I have to be there for the kids. I'll be here for him, of course, when he decides to do something. - note that I said when, and not 'if', because I believe one day he will.

Thanks once again. :thanks:

[flower28]

I need some desperate advice please...

I can imagine how hard this must be.

My husband made his first step by saying he was worried about how much money I was spending on wine, and could I cut down. That challenged me as it was not a direct 'attack' on my drinking.

The next step was him saying he was worried about my health, as I am overweight (and I knew what he was getting at , but he didn't expect me to quit drink overnight)

Finally, I admitted to him, that I must be addicted to drink, and that if it continues it could become fully blown alcoholism, and that I would start by cutting down.

Try and encourage him to have a drink at home - not at the pub- that way you can monitor it. Also, it will be harder for him to get out of control maybe when he is with you/ the kids.

These are just ideas- you need to try and stay a 'team' and imagine how he must be feeling inside, behind the facade.

xx

[tlrgs]

I need some desperate advice please...

i would say do what you have to for your kids and you .. there is no help a person that doesnt want the help ..so like you said I am at my wits end and simply havent got a clue where to go from here. I dont want to have to leave him, but for the sake of the children, I am starting to think it might be for the best...please help, before that is my only option....
stay strong and think positive

[brittzak]

I need some desperate advice please...

I have to agree with what otehrs have said...he has to want to help himself. You nor the kids can help him without his acceptance of teh help.

[Boss.man]

I need some desperate advice please...

My greatest fears were:

a) Someone would force me into a 12 step program.

b) I would have to stop drinking forever and therefore never feel good again.

c) I would have to stop drinking forever and miss out on my tasty drinks.

What finally got me turned around wasn't anything anyone said. It was the loss of sleep, and the other physical symptoms from being on "alcohol maintenance" for a long time.

Long term symptoms for me were: I slept an extra 3 hours a night, up to 11-12 hours, and also spent the first 3 hours of the morning being "green" and not performing well. I had constant sinusitis (sinus pressure like allergies) that I now know are alcohol related. I got emotionally fragile, and would lash out angry, or be internally sad, even when I was "sober" meaning hung over - Being one who nipped at 2am, I never went more than 12 hours without at least one double drink. I had constant headaches, and my stomach got pretty irritated so I was constantly popping aspirin and tums.

Over time, I became aware that perfectly normal people had this thing called "fun" in their evenings, instead of nestled to their liquid friend. Normal people actually woke up in the morning, instead of groaning with red eyes and staring at the sink wondering if they would be sick. I figured out that I spent 6 hours a day, just drinking or recovering, that normal people don't do. No wonder they have time to dance, or listen to concerts or visit friends.

And the only way I had strength to change was that my physical symptoms when I'm not drinking finally exceeded the good times while I'm drinking. I got to about at 2-1 ratio so for every hour of "buzz" I paid with 2 hours of headaches, sinus drip and sour stomach.

Don't know if this will help. I'd just suggest something along bringing awareness along those lines. Certainly he's aware of it, and probably emotionally fragile about it. But the solution will need to come from inside.

One suggestion is to simply use those extra six hours. Pop out on a weekend morning for a cup of coffee and bring him back a donut. Go for a walk with a friend to the park in the evening while he's at the Pub, and bring him a flower or token of your trip. Go have fun, and leave him a gentle reminder of what he's missing out on. Alternatively - make him buy his own aspirin and tums... Haha. That's always a good reminder too.