Its eating me up inside

[Karl1981]

Hey all, im back drinking again... trying to limit myself 2 3 beers a night. but i have had 3 major slip ups.

I found out the other day i got into a arguement with my ex's mother. she was like my best friend. ive had a lot of problems with her daughter, she has bipolar and well has broken my heart.

I found out i was abusive to her mum the other night when i was totally drunk and i mean totally. not eaten all day and drank over 30 Gin Martinis and a few beers in the time of a few hours. im not sure what happened i had one of my 'black outs'. i dont remember a thing. NOTHING.

Its eating me up inside, im normally the kinest person you will meet. ill always go out of my way to help my ex and her family in anyway i can. and now this. what the hell is happeneing to me?

I messaged her mum and she forgives me, but i do not forgive myself. She said i was a totally differnt person, and thinks its probally best we dont talk anymore..

Im lost. Ive lost my job due to lack of work, i have nothing anymore. no girl no work no lience. i cant excape.
only thing i have is Online Poker, drinking and smoking..

Sorry i just had to try to get this off my chest.

[Karl1981]

Its eating me up inside

im not sure if i belong here. i ask for help all the time when i stuff up. but cant really help anyone else here. i just dont think anything i have to say is worth what its ritten on. how can i give someone on here my advice when i cant give it to myself? it sucks i know... i Want to help so much i just go blank. mainly when im sober. i just dont know what to say...

[startingover]

Its eating me up inside

Karl, I hope that this doesn't sound harsh but you must stop feeling sorry for yourself. The only person that can make the changes is you. We can all be here and give you all the support that you need along the way but we can't wave a magic wand and make everything all right for you.
Start by helping yourself. To see someone sorting themselves out is the best way you can help anyone here. You have done it before and you can do it again.
I don't mean to be mean, I just want to see that you are OK
So come on, get cracking and start looking after yourself!
take care buddy. Keep posting.
Startingover x

[Karl1981]

Its eating me up inside

yeah it doens't sound harsh, i know i have to stop feeling sorry for my self. its just hard. i have a srinks number, but cant be bothered to go. well a little scared about going. i dont normally tell people how im feeling except on here. so im not sure if i would just clam up in an appointment..

Maybe i should just go to bed. come back on here tomorrow. and Grow up. call the srink, and man up to this shit thats going on in my head.. But i know tomorrow i wont fell the same way. sucks hey. i want help but only when i want it. only when im fragile. stupid i know.

Thankyou starting over

[startingover]

Its eating me up inside

Why don't you write down everything you want to say to the doc? Might help and at least get things started?
We all feel vulnerable at times Karl, don't be ashamed of that. You are asking for help and now you have to follow through so to speak.
Stay close, you will get there, we all will if we help each other
x

[Karl1981]

Its eating me up inside

OK deal. ill go to bed and tomorrow try my best to make the appointment. but its a great idea to write down things to say. oh boy i hope its a female. much easyer to talk to..

thank you and i will update tomorrow how it goes..


bugger its nearly 4 am here....

[startingover]

Its eating me up inside

Good luck Karl. You will be OK you know.
PM me if you need a shoulder.

[rubywillow]

Its eating me up inside

Karl, I know exactly what you mean. When we disgust ourselves with our behavior and feel like we're having a heartattack or stroke because of the hangover, we swear off everything. Doesn't work. Try to put everyone else in your life on the back burner 'til you figure some things out. No one else can fix you, and neither can you if you want to stay broken. We're here. I'll look for you tomorrow. P.S. giving up the poker may help you change your triggers.:welcome:
CJ:h

[lil.michelle]

Its eating me up inside

Hey!
I'm sorry you're having it hard.
I know what it's like to have a fight and remember nothing, although never as bad as you. I'm sooo sorry that life is so rough for you right now. I hope to god it starts to get better.
I really hope you feel better soon and it stops eating you up.
Stopping drinking/ controlling your drinking will really help that part of your life. We're all here for you and we all support you. Get whatever you want off you chest!!! Keep posting!!
Big hug :l
Good luck! Talk to you soon!

[Boss.man]

Its eating me up inside

Karl, first of all, come back here. Please post again.

Second, on this forum, many of us fail. I'm afraid I failed. I did 7 days AF early in the month, and a few days in the middle. But my personal dialog with the insidious liquid is not to my favor.

I'm going to try, tomorrow and I welcome your hand in joining me. It's a new day and I have new goals. From what I see, it's the only way out of the problems I built for myself. It's a mountain valley and there's two choices; lay down, or move forward.

Please move forward with me. I'm hardly perfect, but I know the right direction.

[Glen]

Its eating me up inside

Hi Karl

I could really relate when you said, ?not eaten all day?, ?Kindest person you will meet?,?She said I was a totally different person? and ?I?ve lost my job?work?girl?. All these things have happened to me too.

I was happily married with three kids till I started drinking. About four years after that I stoped drinking for about five months and went from having nothing (living in a night shelter(little box with a bed) owing $ 100,000 dollars) to earning $ 100 an hour, living in a flash apartment by the sea in Devonport with a 6 foot leggy blond model as a girl friend. Started drinking, and lost it all again. That was six years ago and have been drinking ever since.

The lesson I learnt from this is that my first priority is to stop drinking. Until I do this I fear I will stuff up what ever I touch hearting other people in the process. Consequently I have been single for about six years now.

P.S. Shame about the sex foot blond. Maybe in six months or a year of AF I will feel confident enough to start dating with out drinking. (Deliberate spelling mistake, Hee hee)

Stop drinking and things will get better over time. Keep trying. Don?t give up.

[Determinator]

Its eating me up inside

Karl, when I first found MWO I didn't have a thing to contribute either...I was scared and felt very alone and lost. Things will come around if you put your mind to it. Small goals at first and be patient with yourself even though I know it's very hard. Let us know how you are doing when you can.

[Carmac]

Its eating me up inside

Hi Karl -

We're all in this together.

Hoping to see your post soon.

Erin

[Zeppie2]

Its eating me up inside

Hi Karl, I think we all use this site as we are all in the same boat. I only came across the site yesterday, after a hideous saturday which I am so dissapointed in myself about, and have spent the day reading through many of the posts. I tried to give up the booze by myself 8 months ago and just slowly slipped back to my old ways. Man if I only knew about you guys earlier. Anyway I am motivated to give it another go and am getting excited about actually cooking and eating something instead of my normal liquid, breakfast, lunch and teas. So join me if you like, there are a heap of us going to do the '30 days hath September' sign up.

Don't give up

[startingover]

Its eating me up inside

Hey Karl, how're you doin' today buddy?