Hello

[TheSon]

:new:

I'm a bit at a loss for words, because I've never drank alcohol. The reason I'm here is because of my mom's destructive drinking.

She's been in the routine, pretty much for her entire life, but she didn't start losing her family, home, job and other important priorities until about 9 years ago. Generally, she's a huge introvert which doesn't help when it comes to drinking by herself comfortably. I've gone to AA meetings, given tuition money to make her bills meet and more. I've lived with the worst of the worst when it comes to sabotaging everything for everyone around them.

In short, I'm really just worried about my mom's health. It seems that growing up, every time there was a problem, I had an answer to fix it. I've been wrestling with this for soooo long now at such a young age, and I'm coming to the end of my ropes. My patience has been stretched so unbelievably thin that I've had thoughts of turning my back on my own mother. My older sister ignores her existence and takes advantage of the drinking for her own gain, and my father just keeps himself isolated from her (can't blame him).

I'm all she really has to be quite honest. I've stopped visiting her recently because of the anger I've found myself having to control. I've started telling myself that I shouldn't care anymore because she doesn't want to stop. Swimming upstream gets really old when you've been doing it for almost half of your lifetime.

I could really just use some words of encouragement to keep trying to at least make my mom somewhat optimistic about her drinking situation. I haven't been sleeping regularly because of it.

With that said, I think that I have a lot to offer here. If I could get my mom involved in some type of constructive online community, I think her odds would help possibly tilt the scale in my favor.

With that said: :bedtime:

It's 9am and I have class in 5 hours.

[Seacailin]

Hello

Hi Son
I am glad that you are here. I know that I have done a great deal of destruction to my family because of my use and abuse of alcohol. I was fortunate enough to have 10 years without alcohol when my kids were growing up. There is a thread on this forum called, "Family members affected by drinking". You may want to try posting there. As I am sure you know, you cannot help someone who does not want help. It sometimes takes a great deal of pain for one to take a look at one's drinking, and Denial can be strong. I am not sure of your age, but I know that Ala-non and Ala-teen can be helpful.

[Carmac]

Hello

Son,

First, let me say, your post is amazingly well thought out and written. Its clear you have thought about this for years and are a thoughtful caring person.

This may sound harsh, but your first priority needs to be you. I can say this because I am a Mom of 3 who are now age 26 to 21. Thankfully, my alcohol abuse began when my youngest was 15 so most of their childhood was without this mess.

In my well thought out opinion and I am sure msany will bsack me up, you need to not pay her bills with your tuition money nor do other similar acts. Taking care of you needs to be your number one priority as her taking care of her needs to be her number one priority. Please do not enable her anymore. Coming to grips with her reality is part of the path of hopefully getting better.

As for you, please continue to post. There are many here who will assist you as best we can.

Stay strong.

Erin

[vera-b]

Hello

What a thoughtful post, and a painful reminder of the damage we do to our loved ones when we're addicted. Dr. Garcia who consults on this site (there's a section with her info) got interested in treating alcohol addiction because her mother, too, was an alcoholic. Her story may be of some interest to you.

I think most of us can tell you that we did not come to terms with our alcohol abuse because a parent/spouse/child whomever said it's time to just stop. Some of us were like RJ in that we were so-called "functioning" alcholics, others of us have lost jobs, spouses, homes, etc. due to this demon AL. We each came to a point in our lives when we could no longer look in the mirror. We had reached the "it" point where we said that's it - I'm going to battle this thing. For many of us it's a journey with many ups and a few downs. Success stories are mixed with disappointments. India was right on. You need to take care of you. Your mother will have to tackle the beast on her own, and will likely only do so when she reaches her "it" point. Please don't stop loving her. But she will drag you down if you let her dysfunction get in the way of you taking care of you business. Check out the section on family members as mentioned. What may be best for you at this point is an online buddy who's dealing with similar issues. Good luck to you. Now, back to class.

Vera-b.

[TheSon]

Hello

It's nice to know that taking care of myself isn't the wrong thing to do. I know that's what I should have been focusing on, but for some reason it still felt really...selfish?

I just started my senior year at the University of Texas at Dallas. I've kept myself set up for success, but it would be sweeter if my mom felt more like family instead of just a relative.

When I started attending the family AA sessions, the speaker continually told me that I was the problem.... What a GREAT experience from someone who wasn't constructive at all. :H

I'll lurk around and find the section you all are mentioning. From what I've read so far, I can completely understand and picture what everyone is describing because I saw the same thing in my family. Even though I'm not an addict, I figure it would still be uplifting to maybe chat with a few who are motivated to be a better person whether I know them or not.

-Alex

[tapestry]

Hello

My heart goes out to you, and all members of your family, as well as your mother. You remind me of my own sons. I dont ever want to lose them in any way, whether it be their love, or respect. Well, I have already lost much of their respect. I dont blame them. I dont respect myself most of the time either, but I am learning to again.
I completely agree, you have your life to take care of. I think you also need your time of healing as well, even tho you dont drink. The damage to innocent people can be worse I think, especially if the addict doesnt try, but still expects you to take care of the problems they cause. I am very proud of you, and you are not, and did not cause this proble. Good luck!!!

[SassyGirl]

Hello

(((Alex)))

What a lot to deal with at such a young age, when you are making so many important decisions and working so hard on your own future. I tend to agree with those that said your Mom has got to find her own way through her problem. Unfortunately with addiction you don't get better until you want to, and not a minute before. I hope she reaches that point soon.

In the meantime, don't feel guilty for a second for taking care of you...use your money for your future, and post here all you want to get the support that you need.

Welcome...

Sassy

[lil.michelle]

Hello

Hey you! :welcome:
I'm soooo sorry you are having to deal with a situation like this for sooo long. *HUGE HUG* :l:l:l My father is a drinker (2 bottles of wine a night) which is bad but he takes painkillers (18 at a time) and sleeping pills to get high every night. It's a horrible thing to see and deal with, although he still has his wife and family around him.

I have to agree with everyone else, you do need to put yourself first and your eduaction first. Don't turn your back on your mum but go out and look after yourself, have fun and do all the things we should do at our age. Maybe, if you do that, you'll be able to deal with your mum better. I know it'll not stop what's going on with your mum but it may help you and get your life back (if you see what i'm saying)

Visit your mum, try love her and understand she has an illness. We all know what we're doing when we open that bottle of wine/vodka or whatever she drinks and everyone on this site has chosen to change there life and relationship with drink. Try get her on this site but in the end, it's up to her and you need to look after YOURSELF and YOUR FUTURE!!!

NEVER FEEL GUILTY!!! Keep posting on here. We're ALL here for you!!!!!!!!!

[KBCE]

Hello

Hey Alex - just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. Recognizing these things is key - and that is what you have done. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Michelle is right - you need to focus on yourself, but you have done nothing to make this situation what it is. You can only do so much - and the rest is up to your Mom. Good luck my friend. Just say NO to guilt. Being riddled with guilt is just as unhealthy as slamming a few bottles of wine a night.

[southernbelle47]

Hello

Alex

I know it is very hard to do but you must set healthy boundries with your mom.
She will not get better until she has to...
Take care of yourself and your health and thank God everyday if her addictive genes passed you by. I believe that "there but by the grace of God go I and you and every last one of us".........
I hope and pray that you can get her on here and we can offer some help and support.

You are a good son....don't let the guilt for something you can't help rule your life.

:lNancy

[gabby1go]

Hello

Alex,

There is some very good advice offered here. I agree that you should no longer pay her bills or help her in any way financially. If she can afford to drink, she can afford to pay her own bills. Not to be harsh, but you are enabling her. I know you have probably heard that word too many times. That is not to say that you are the problem. SHE is the problem. SHE has a problem.

The mother of my stepchildren (now all adults in their late 20's - 30's) was/is a drug abuser and alcoholic. Her two sons finally had to cut her off financially (frankly, they had no money to give after supporting themselves) and emotionally (it was too much to bear). Her daughter (that lived very near her) continued to help her financially and emotionally until she became verbally abusive and was drunk and out of control in front of my stepdaughter's young children. Long story short, a restraining order was issued, she was arrested while drunk, went to detox, and finally dropped off the face of the earth. No one has heard from her in almost a year. It is very difficult for her children but they all admit it is the best thing for them for her to be gone. They could not longer watch her destroy herself.

Try to stay focused on you and your future. There is nothing you can do to help your mother until she is willing to help herself. Go to al-anon, or find other support groups through your campus or community. Anything to keep you strong and protect yourself. As I told my stepchildren when things were really bad, "the mother you once knew is gone". It is a hard thing to hear but I believe it is true.

Stay on the site, you have a lot to offer and hopefully we can help you get through the bad times. Best of luck. Gabby.

[gabby]

Hello

Alex, i agree with everything here.

your a good loving son and human being. Now redirect that back on to yourself.

[Carmac]

Hello

Alex -

As you can see, all are united that you must take care of Alex first. Yes, it seems harsh to let your Mom have to handle her issues alone but the key is they are HER issues. Until she has to deal with them, she will lean on you for that is the "easiest" response. Please do not enable her.

My children are 26, 23 and 21....all college graduates except my youngest who will finish next year. They, unfortunately, have seen the worst in my useage in the past but maintained their college throughout as I always prompted them to do. They are now enjoying my sobriety and helping by being there, talking, checking in etc but going on with their lives.

PLease continue to check in as you wish.

Best, Erin