Success vs Failure....wondering why?

[akgirl]

Why? Why do some of us do so well and others not? What is the key? I have only been here a few weeks but after reading the posts I am still left wondering. I know there is no magical cure, and I knew it would not be easy.

Some stop cold turkey, some without supps or cds, they just do it. While other like myself struggle to at least stay mod. And yet others I'm sure who have come and gone, continue down the same destructive path. We all have the same desire. We all found this place. We have that in common. That in itself is a blessing.

I just thought I was stronger than I am proving to be. When it came to career...I fought. When it came to my sons diagnosis....I fought. I would fight for a stranger in need....what the heck is holding me back? I'm staying mod but really want to be AF.....I'm going to fight:boxer:

[bloggy]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Hi AK

I have tried for years to mod with the final goal to be AF.

I can't do it, period. I would last a few days- 18 months ago I actually reached 24 days, but within a short time would be back to my old ways.

This last 6 months my drinking has worsened- I now go on 3 or 4 day benders with blackouts- the whole works. I just cannot do it anymore- I know it will kill me.

I am now on antabuse and wish I had done it years ago- although I had the chance- I guess I wasn't 'ready'- I didn't think my drinking was bad enough. Now I know it is.

I am on day 6 now, and feel so so much better. Sleep's a bit erratic and I am having mood swings but I am sure that will pass.

Cravings are few and far between, and last only a minute- as soon as I remember I can't they disappear.

I plan on staying on it for AT LEAST 3 months.

Maybe it would be an answer for you too.

[A Work in Progress]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

I don't know much about the plan you have set up AK... maybe that is the first place to look. That, and your goal. If your goal is, for example, 30 days AF, then (even if you ultimately hope to drink moderately) you have to build your life around freedom from alcohol, meaning that you eliminate or work around everything that is a "trigger" for you, and you change all the behaviors, in a positive direction, that are known to be helpful in this battle: exercise, meditation, hypno recordings, diet, supplements, medication, and whatever else I am missing. You stop hanging around with drinking buddies or going to places where there is alcohol. It really is a major project. Maybe you have already been doing those things, or at least some of them. But I would suggest you look good and hard at your plan, and at how strongly committed you are to your goal.

I do think it is much harder for people who hope ultimately to drink moderately, when they are trying to put together 30 days AF, because for them, the lure of just sort of "starting early" with the attempts at moderation is probably very strong. I am glad that the idea of "moderation" is not even on my radar screen.

wip

[shelbysmiles]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

I think you can try every program that exists but until you have resolved that you can no longer drink alcohol like a normal person you will struggle. I agree that the individual has to be ready. Sadly, for some that day may never come.
I'm not directing this post at you AK. I'm speaking in a general sense. This is just how I personally approach sobriety.

[Doggygirl]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Hi AK girl. I can't speak for anyone but myself. Here is my own perspective as it pertains to me only. And I have certainly failed on several occassions to stop the madness.

In your post it sounds to me like moderation should be easier than giving up alcohol entirely. (sorry if I misunderstood what you are saying). For me, that is absolutely not the case. Moderation means that sometimes you choose to drink and other times you choose not to drink, and that you (ideally) never choose to drink too much.

When it comes to AL, I am simply not able to effectively manage all those choices.

The choice to drink has to be totally off the table for me. One drink leads to DAYS and WEEKS and even MONTHS of daily drinking, so I can't go there, period.

Once I finally accepted that, and stopped fantasizing about "just one" and stuff that I simply cannot do, this whole thing got a tad easier. As the Chief would say, I STOPPED fighting. As long as I don't engage with all, life is good. Took me a few tries to get that figured out.

I have also accepted complete responsibility for my actions - sober or not. I had a million and one excuses to drink - and they were just that - cheap excuses. My husband made me mad, my friends are having drinks, it's my birthday, I had a stressful day at work, I've got family problems, it's the holidays, blah blah blah. There will ALWAYS be excuses if I allow myself to think that way.

My life was a boring mess while drinking. I was nothing but a prisoner to drinking - spending WAY too much time planning my drinking, making sure I had a good supply, getting mad at any person or situation that interfered with my plans for drinking that day, etc.

My life is 1000 times better already without AL in it. I can't wait to see what's possible in a year!!

Yep. The voices in my head want to drink sometimes. Some days it's really "loud" in there. But it's my responsibility to say no. If I don't, I know exactly where it leads and even if I had 100 friends to comfort me, my life would still suck because that's just how my life is when AL is in it.

One thing is for sure, this journey has made me dig deep and really examine myself and my motives.

Best wishes to you. You CAN get free if you want to!

DG
Day 98 AF

[vera-b]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Hi Alaska,

Once again Doggie has given some wonderful perspective. (I'm not trying to be a suck-up Dogster, just love your posts - refreshing and brutally honest). I think the question to go AF or mod is a journey of sorts. Many, including myself, were buoyed by RJ's book which ended with her conversion from an alkie like us to a real social drinker. She was no longer bound by her excessive drinking habits and yet was free to enjoy the occasional drink. Whether this works out in my reality remains a question. Some days I feel very strong and in control, other days not so much.

I think your basic question of why the on and off success, or why some folks triumph while others struggle lies in our very humanity. We're complicated. I watched with interest and horror the youtube clips posted in the general discussion thread "Rain in my Heart." These poor souls are (were) heavy alcoholics suffering from severe physical illnesses. Two of them had very difficult pasts while the other 2 it was unclear. Some had reasonable support structures, i.e. family, while others were a mess. Two die and two survive. Why? I wish I knew the "key." RJ used the "pasta" approach - try everything and see what sticks - because there wasn't one key for her. Why I struggle is totally different from RJ or any of the poor souls on the Rain video.

What I do think is most helpful is when everyone shares their story. Sometimes in the triumphs and pain of others we see a tiny reflection of ourselves. Perhaps this is how the creator of the universe meant for us to resolve our issues - not with a single answer to discover, but with a process that brings his created ones together.

Vera-b.

[akgirl]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Thank you all for your responses. As always, it gives me hope and information to consider. Especially you Doggygirl. I did think modding would be easier. I will rethink my plan.
:thanks:

[Sunbeam]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

I think the whole thing is a learning experience. I quit drinking 6 days before I found this site. Went AF 2.5 months, then started to mod for a couple of months. Started increasing, quit for a couple of weeks. Drank every day for a week. Quit for a week. Now I'm trying just a couple of glasses on weekends. I am reading and posting all this time. So just because you have up front success, it doesn't mean the path is shorter.

[LVT25]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Thanks for starting this thread ak. I often wonder why so many struggle so. I for one after I finally gave in and did the 30 days, then 60, feel like this program has helped me immensely.
Either that, or I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. I don't know. I wonder if it is timing. I mean it's about time I got my shit together and put my kids first. I used to spend so much time drinking and smoking, I just ignored them, or bitched at them, or sent them away from me. I didn't let them go places, cause then I would have to go get them. Like DG said, I spent way too much time planning stuff around my drinking.
I don't think I realized how good I could feel physically and emotionally, because I was at least slightly hungover most of the time. Now I feel so good, I hat the thought of feeling that way again. It's all in MY control too, isn't that cool?
I also had to watch for the triggers and stay away from them. I'm just now starting to socialize again with some of my drinking friends. This week my bro and sis in law were here and they smoke and drink. Not me. That was a huge test for me. I didn't even want to. I made sure we kept busy doing other things that didn't leave room for it (sis and I anyway. The guys did their own thing, and that was ok.
Oka, now I feel like I've hijacked your thread. But I really want to give all of you that struggle hope. It can and does work. I'm sorry it's harder for some. I still use the sleep learning cd, and some of the supplements. I keep reading here alot, when my Internet allows it. (damn thing!)
It doesn't happen overnight, and at times I really struggle with my still drinking hubby. But I feel so much better! It's so worth it. So please, don't ever quit trying to quit!! :h

(I started MWO in Febr 2008, went af for 69 days starting June 1, then drank a couple of beers and a glass of wine during a wedding weekend, nothing since.) Nicotine free since June 1, 2008!

[boozehag]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Good thread AKgirl
Like LVT I too wonder why some struggle so much and others can get on a roll and keep it going. I think people are initially afraid or scared of the pain of deprivation of something they are so used to but the reality is that it causes most of the pain. I know I was scared of doing without that crutch at first and couldnt imagine life without AL in it but that was just AL talking. Seems so dumb now that thinking. I do think that a lot of it (success or failure) is circumstantial and from the postings I can see that some people's circumstances are not helpful to put it mildly. I personally found that once I got through the initial 30 days (with the help of champix) then 60 days then 90 etc it wasnt really that hard just a matter of changing my habits and my mental attitude to AL and of course the BIGGY - avoiding triggers. I also gave up smoking too which I have come to realise was THE major trigger for me so it helps immensely that I dont smoke now. Now I too sometimes wonder if I was really as bad as I thought I was when I started on 1 April. I have been modding the last 2 months and I have not found it too hard at all really - the odd bump in the road but nothing to write home about. It is so great to have control of my life again and to look forward to the future which I never did when I was drinking as I couldnt see past the end of each day. I couldnt have done it without MWO though that is for sure.
BH (no more)

[nancy]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

This is a really tough one to answer.

Contrary to what groups like AA would have you believe, I think alcoholics can be very different. I think Alan Carr (EasyWay to Control/Stop Drinking) really is right when he says that the feeling of deprivation is one of the biggest reasons people can't quit. So if you percieve quitting as being deprived your chances for succeeding will be lower than those of others who see it as blessing/freedom.

Another factor is environment, including your age, culture, external factors that make it easier or difficult to quit, though as WIP points out, we have some control over the company we keep.

Some people have medical conditions that make it more difficult. I guess a lot of people with bipolar disorder self-medicate with alcohol. Depression is another one that is self-medicated but the alchohol actually increases depression.

Pressure from family members can play a role for better or worse.

Physical addiction is different from mental addiction. I imagine some have a physical/biochemical addiction that makes it really hard to quit. There is a thread on the holistic section about nutrition and role hypoglycemia plays in maintaining addiction.

Personally, alcohol was a crutch for me, used for anxiety, depression and lack of connection with myself. So for me, things like meditation really help. Also, AF for me psychologically is very hard to do aside from missing the crutch. I would much rather learn moderation. For me getting over this means de-linking psychological relief with alchohol, turning to something else when I am feeling emotional.

To figure all this out takes time.

[Cinders]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Nancy is right on!!

I think Alan Carr (EasyWay to Control/Stop Drinking) really is right when he says that the feeling of deprivation is one of the biggest reasons people can't quit. So if you percieve quitting as being deprived your chances for succeeding will be lower than those of others who see it as blessing/freedom.

Those who consider going AF as a deprivation will have a much harder time staying AF.

Love,
Cindi

[Boss.man]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

I disagree in calling it failure. Because every day of AF is a day for a healthy liver, and in just a few days for some true sleep. So every "episode" of AF is a step towards a clear and better future.

The only failure would be to never try again.

I too think Mod is more difficult than AF. Few people can move from physical dependence, and the huge dependence of so many body chemicals, to a time when they can frequently inbibe without also engaging the same set of body chemicals. Sucrose, insuline, serotonin, dopamine, and histamines are all impacted by alcohol. How can anyone say "Oh, yeah, I'd like to impact 25% of my body's most important chemicals tonight".

Slipping is natural.

The only failure would be to never try again.

[Doggygirl]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

Boss man, I agree with your assessment of the body chemical action. That is something that cannot be ignored.

Since the term "slipping" came up, I thought it might be helpful to provide my own view of what we commonly call "slipping" around here.

The word "slip" implies an accident. Something that can't be helped. Like falling on the ice in the winter time. Like someone sneaking some booze into your NA beverage when you aren't looking.

It took me awhile to figure out that I was mistakenly using a term implying an "accidental event" to an event - consciously drinking - that involved CHOICE on my part. I have to accept responsibility for my choices. And a choice to drink alcohol is a serious choice with plenty of negative repurcussions for me.

So FOR MYSELF the word "slip" is no longer in my vocabulary as it pertains to alcohol. If I ever drink again, it will be because I chose to drink. Not because I had a slip.

I realize this is just two different ways of thinking about / describing the same event. But how we think about things IMO, is a HUGE part of this journey. After all, it's the "voice in our head" that constantly tries to convince us to drink, right? So the battlefield is in the mind to a large degree, so the way we choose to think about things has an impact in my opinion.

Just more food for thought.

DG
Day 99 AFHF

[A Work in Progress]

Success vs Failure....wondering why?

bump. came across this thread recently and thought others might want to see it again, or maybe for the first time.

wip